Husband's evening hobby making things hard

I am another one who doesn’t understand the hobby thing. I have a small DC with ADHD and I also have ADHD. DH regularly works away and when he is home I actively encourage him to go out once or twice a week either in the evenings or on weekends to do things that keep him active. I also go out one evening myself to do mine.

My DC isn’t easy wants constant attention and entertainment and sleeps like crap but I manage all the cooking, cleaning, bath and bedtime because that’s life! You keep saying he can’t cope but YOU also can’t seem to cope with your child for one or two evenings a week?

You have other issues with him, the fact that he doesn’t seem to want to be around much and struggles with basic responsibilities and all this military stuff, but you don’t need to parent together all of the time? You can both have some space to do other things, bath and bedtime don’t negate that.

You need to compromise here. He needs some time for the things that help his mental health, you need time for yours and you need to meet in the middle on other topics - he needs to learn to cope alone better and no military. But you also need to cope one or two nights a week by yourself without complaining. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I think you’re both being unreasonable and not a decent parenting unit or very supportive of each other either.

i am overwhelmed with doing bedtimes on a Monday, Wednesday, Friday and often Sunday day.

Only on MN do I see 2 adults even being at home on time to do bedtimes together!. Most parents are either still at work or coming back from work, or making the most of having a partner and out at the gym or something.

It gets messy when you have 3 or 4 little ones, but unless medical problem, one adult is more than enough.

He's a shit parent, a shit partner, has 'anger issues' (violent?), and doesn't want to spend any time with you or his child.

Why are you bothering? Ditch the couples therapy and spend the time and money on a divorce solicitor.

Two nights a week is acceptable. Joining the marines on top of this taking the proverbial p.ss. (And what on earth is an adrenaline rush!).

His therapist sounds shite if they're not helping him with ways to cope with his own child and be a better parent and is instead telling him to seek out adrenaline rushes.

sorry op but he sounds like in uncompromisingly selfish and uncompromising child.

Bottom line is you can't make him change.

You are hoping the therapy will change him. Or enough arguing and explaining the unfairness will change him.
But if he doesn't want to change, he won't.

I repeat: you can't change him.

So make your peace with the situation, or end it for good.

But he now says for his mental health and anger issues he needs he’s hobby at least two nights a week plus further adrenaline rush

He sounds like an absolute dream.

Presumably you at least get Tuesday evening to do something for yourself?

Honestly I would just say you’re taking Saturday afternoons or something. Or Monday evenings. Whatever. But just tell him that’s what’s happening.

I think YANBU. When you have such a young child, hobbies have to take a back seat for a while. Of course he would like more free time. Wouldn't we all!

Sure, but she will be able to let go of at least some of her anxiety - the bits related to constantly being left down, having to tiptoe around his anger issues, and being guilt tripped into thinking she's damaging his mental health.

Agree.
He's just not interested in being a team.
Men like him shouldn't have dc unless they can afford a nanny.

Oh OP, this sounds hard, but in all honesty he NEEDS to step up and start working on how to handle his daughter on his own.
My DH struggled a lot with our DC when on his own with them and I felt the same, guilty for leaving them with him, or I'd step in if he was struggling to settle them.
It wasn't until I started just leaving him to it that he actually WORKED OUT his own way of doing it. He needs to spend the time with his DD alone otherwise how will he ever? By not leaving him alone with her regular, you are doing several things:

• stopping him from figuring out his own ways of dealing with DD successfully
• not allowing him to truly see how much there is that YOU have to do on a night when he's not there, to appreciate how exhausting it is

Honestly I think the starting point is you going out of the house regularly on an evening to allow him to bond better with his DD and also recognise what the reality of a tired DD solo looks like. I say make him do it on Fridays, and do his hobby the earlier nights of the week!

Genuinely. Once my DH spent more time with hours he bonded better and found it much easier and now I leave him with them guilt free all the time!

I hate to be harsh, but I think you are parenting two children! Also, I believe your husband's claim that his therapist suggested he spend more time on his hobby is manipulative. While he's probably not wrong and we'd all benefit from spending lots of time having fun, it is just not practical when you have a young family. He seriously needs to grow up and realize he is now a husband and a father; as such, his needs come after those of the family as a whole. He should find a new hobby that fits around family logistics, show you some consideration, and appreciate everything you do. If he doesn't, your marriage may limp on for a while longer but it will ultimately not end well for anybody.

i know its annoying but the only way fr him to get better and develop confidence with his child is to parent her regularly alone.

its normal to be anxious, no one magically knows what to do. they learn by doing. you have to let him.

he needs to organise his hobbies and time off around you, with equal evening childcare and house duties for both of you.

If you end up doing more child care he needs to do more/all house duties.

he is taking the P.

sit together and sort a schedule that has buy in from both of you. do not pick up his tasks/slack no matter what

He CAN preprepare dinner; but he doesn’t and expects me to do it!

stop doing it. You are not his mum. You can't force him to become an equal adult, but you sure can stop mothering him and doing everything for him for a start.

@IGB9723 your title is wrong it isn’t his hobby it is him.
just him

He doesn't get to judge whether the way you choose to spend your 'free' time is worthwhile or not - that's your call. You get the time, and then you get to decide how to spend it.

I don't try to be mean, but (unless I completely missed something) you only have ONE CHILD. I am sure she can be pretty difficult, all the more reasons for you to have evenings off too!

You are just making your life so difficult to expect 2 adults. How difficult can she be that you cannot make her tea and give her a bath on your own?

I am not saying it's fun and easy, but you can mop the floor before putting her to bed. You really are making your life more complicated than need be.

I know it's not ideal, but if bedtime is such a pain (which it can be) then have your own diner when she's having tea, so at least you are all done and the kitchen is tidy when you try to make her sleep, and when she is finally asleep you can breath.

Don't make your life more complicated than needs be, honestly.

Or a husband it seems

Totally unfair!!

Sit down divide the household chores equally, including meal prep, cooking, tidying it up, bath time, bedtime, washing, house tidying, shopping, then divide the spare nights equally.

Then see where you are

But OP can take 2 nights for herself too, if she wants to.

As an aside though, this is bad advice. He already doesn’t want to parent so there will be no access days. He will quite happily skip off and see his child a couple of hours a week here and there and if OP is at breaking point doing 2 nights a week solo then 7 nights a week 52 weeks a year solo is absolutely her worst case scenario.

No he is an entitled wanker who hasn't yet grown up himself. If he can't run how on earth does he expect to join the marines?! 🤣🤣 Complete fantasist and wouldn't last 5 minutes Fancies himself as a tough guy but can't change a nappy or do the tough bits of parenting. What a shitty little misogynist wuss. We'd all like to opt out of the tough bits of parenting, men and women alike, but the rest of us get the fuck on with it because we have backbone and we don't shirk our responsibilities. DO NOT FACILITATE HIM! The lazy manchild.

This isn't going to get better unless he has an epiphany, you've tried a trial separation and sounds as though the lessons was only temporarily effective. He realised he couldn't have his cake and eat it and threw the toys out the pram. He is prime cheater material from the sounds of it, expect midlife crisis's if you stay. The entitlement of men like this! Bet his father didn't lift a finger either!! Probably learned from the worst. Don't have another child with him if things are already this bad! It doesn't get any better with 2, only harder.

I would ask him to suggest an arrangement whereby you both get the same amount of time 'off' each week and contribute the same amount to the household chores and cooking.

If he can fit doing his hobby more into this arrangement, great.

READ FAIR PLAY BY EVE RODESKY quickly before your next joint session.

• it’s a really quick read/audible listen.

You should have equal self care time (whatever that looks like) and equal unicorn time (time to pursue your own interests and hobbies).

House keeping, child care, mental load, house maintenance etc are ALL work. They are just not paid. It should be fairly split.