Husband's evening hobby making things hard

Your daughter is difficult because of the parenting technique you are using and because she is constantly picking up on the high level of anxiety within the house from you and your partner. Why don't you contact your health visitor for some support?
I feel you are showing a completely lack of compassion to your partner who is clearly struggling to adapt to fatherhood. You forcing him to give up his hobbies and stay at home will make him even more resentful and impact his mental health further. Why not allow your child to become part of his hobbies? Take your child along to watch him at weekends, and show him some support. Then in turn he may also be able to give you support with your solicitor training.

He wants all the benefits of a family without the responsibility of taking care of your daughter or your needs. I cannot see a way for you to resolve your issues - you deserve more than half empty promises and half efforts.
Don't let him drag you further down, respect yourself and your career. Sending love and strength to you.

My X hated shopping. He made sure he never had to go shopping by always getting the wrong thing if alone, and making life very unpleasant in shops if together.

They will always find a way out.

Why myst we continually have these comments. I think it is pretty well established and even the stupidest of men is aware that having a baby results from unprotected sex. Women are not entrapping men into having children. He was a full participant.

You are not being unfair OP .
I have to agree with others that he always puts himself first ..
before your daughter was born he was already spending every evening on his hobby rather than you .
Now your daughter is there I get the feeling he resents the limitations.
You are mothering your daughter and him and it is breaking you
Therapy won't work if people won't or cannot change .

Your therapist needs to look at BOUNDARY settings with you .

Stop feeling like you are responsible for everything and start having expectations.

Most men I have come across with anger issues have grown up with role models with anger problems and have leaned that anger can get them what they desire. The common plea is that they 'cannot help it '

Angry young men head for the forces to get security and praise for their physical prowess.

He likely has not looked after kids when he grew up so has not got a clue what he should do and is too embarrassed to ask .

He likes watching her ? What . Doesn't he play with her , rin about , get her a football kit and kick a ball with him / go swimming. Sporty things .

Do you and her ever go and watch him at his mysterious hobby. Go for it . Say you want to be more a part of his life . Call his bluff if it's a other woman to caress his ego .

Does anyone outside nursery play with her . Stuff the housework.

Some kids are so fearing missing out that they do not want to go to bed . Mine NEVER wanted to go to bed and was scared of things in the dark .
I saw a programme that says kids at 6 months old are very capable judges of character. If he has shouted or demonstrated anger or frustration with her she will fear him deep down.
Kids are very clever for their own survival . Nursery tots know how to work their adults!!!

My boy leaned how to please daddy . He also learned daddy felt like a good daddy if he made son happy by buying things . Son led a willing daddy to the toy dept every shopping trip from nursery onwards . Son knew how to get daddy to browse Amazon and buy all sorry if things .Dear son was spoiled and I paid for it physically and emotionally. DS still expects expensive things and immediate gratification.

DH just got more and more critical of me . When his son wasn't around he started wanting my attention back .

I got sick of doing 100 %of the work looking after 2 children.

I on e left them together and went on holiday with my near estranged family he didn't like . Deliberately term time so DH only had to look after him in the evening.
When away DH hogged the calls and ds did not get to speak to me . When I arrived back , both were at the door begging me never to go away and leave them again.
I had filled the fridge for 1/2 a week he got takeout the rest . The laundry had not even been washed ( he knew how ) no housework apart from dishes ( dishwasher)

In my job I learned safeguarding and domestic abuse . I heard my life in those lectures ( look at women's aid )

Eventually my life was paralysed by trying to work and look after a primary school child and an overgrown one .

I collected evidence of abuse from womens aid

I took essential bank papers passport and certificates to a safe place out of the house.

Eventually I had nearly enough evidence.
Then he picked an argument and bruised me in from of our son ( who was by then adept at peacekeeping)

My husband was arrested and removed from the house

2 years ago

My son is scared of him. My son is learning not to use his anger as it doesn't get him what he wants.

He also cannot manipulate me anymore.

Dad's often do bedtime with the kids falling asleep on the sofa in front of the TV ( Watch the certificate of the film .. the macho dads think their child can cope with certificate 15 at preschool) then carrying them to bed .

Not every child will willingly go to bed by a certain time.

When she strops after nursery tell her it's not acceptable and given her something other than a screen to do it get her to help mummy.

Are you going to help mum or do you want to go and feed your teddy bear ,/ dolly they are very tired

So he’s not happy looking after his own child without you there? He’s abdicating his responsibility as a dad. Convenient when he wants to do more of what interests him . His life is like being single with home comforts and sex thrown in, lucky bloke!
Hes playing you. You’ll give up everything for yourself and it won’t be enough. He needs to step up, be a partner and a dad. If he can’t then separate.

I wouldn’t be having another child with this one, OP.

Some therapists are a bollocks themselves.

@Jochef but of course - got to get that adrenaline rush! And dodgy knees only at home, it’ll be all that sitting about…

He want to join the marines but can’t cope with your daughter?

Why dont you agree, and ask him to arange support in the way of a cleaner, or babysitter. Win for you both and your daughter assuming it's stressful for one or both of you.

No point in stopping someone soong something they clearly want to. They will start to resent yoi. Let him, on the condition he recognises the impact and arranged appropriate support.

Sorry, but did he actually want a baby? Was he pushed into it? Never assume a baby will "pin a man down", and never assume that because he shags you he wants a baby. Men very rarely think like that, but unfortunately many women are absolutely obsessed with babies babies babies.

This is giving vibes of "when I'm with my wife and daughter it's a massive sacrifice for me" when it should feel like a blessing (don't get me wrong, kids and are hard work but ultimately you choose them and shpuld want them in life). I feel like he needs a chat about why he's signed up for a wife and daughter if he gets his pleasure, energy and sense of self from very solo pastimes. I feel in these situations you're often better off apart because he doesn't actually want to be with you both, and you're ultimately a single mother with a live in lodger who deems anything and any time with/for you as a sacrifice he should be thanked for. It's not so much "how much time is reasonable?" But "why do you not want to be here?" - that's the bigger question.

This.

Tell him hes taking the piss

Very typical of a father who was/is (wants to return even part time) to one of the forces. His behaviour is very common. You would be surprised. They just can't deal with family life. Many women divorce these men. Not advice just a comment.

I always love the nosy question about what the hobby is- does it matter? Why would it give morre context?

Honestly OP - let him go . This will just get worse and worse. He will feel caged because he can’t have what he prioritizes and you will be exhausted and resent him.
Find a decent man who will wants to be an active part of a family.
I’ve been there, given the ultimatum , asked him to leave and he stepped up reduced the hobby and is present . But … his hobby didn’t have a fixed time and he wasn’t ex forces…

This is No Hope territory

When you're paying enough alot will say whatever you want to hear
I agree tho, it's bollocks

And that’s shit

Hmmm maybe not if he's has MH issues and feels he can't cope with a baby at the moment. Maybe he has PTSD .

Unfortunately some people can't manage life. Even when they thought they could. Be kind to all involved including yourself.

Measure your leisure.

For every hour he gets away from the childcare and house work... you should get the same and do the same.

If they aren't enough hours in the week... he will need to reduce his leisure time so that it is equal.

His leisure time isn't more valuable than yours.

Wake up! His life has changed now. No you need to put a stop to this now! It’s not ok. ASIF you could just drop everything and have “you” time. He needs to learn how to care for his child, god forbid you become unwell and he needs to handle the house, work, childcare. Grow up man! Considering he had an army background I’m surprised he is not more regimental. Us mums give up our body’s and lives, who does he think he is?

You seem to find it hard to stand up to him. If he needs two evenings out a week, so do you. Pick an evening course/ a reading club/ any activity you like, and say 'you 're out Wednesday and Friday, I will be out Monday and Thursday. We both have a child and a job, we both need time for ourselves.' Full stop.

OP, I suggest DH tries antidepressants. I think he is seeking an outlet becuase being a parent is hard. He is hiding away from the responsibilities and pushing them onto you. He may be telling himself that you do parenting better, you are quicker at bed/baths, children are happier etc etc and of course he feels better when he has time to focus his mind on something else and …everything is dealt with for him at home.
lots of different ways of doing this

1. say no, hobby max 1 night per week
2. Yes go ahead, but ask him to flex his work hours and collect and feed , bath the kids regularly
3. LTB when you have ducks in a row

This types drives me mad crazy with rage. Mainly because I have one too. He has realised parenting is hard and hates coming home to deal with the hard, tedious reality of everyday parenting and running a household but instead of working together, he has ceremoniously dumped all of that onto you. Hard to respect or feel romantic towards any man does that to his wife and children. Is he like a Disney dad occasionally on weekends and occasionally suggest you should have a night out (so that he feels no guilt and can vociferously state how supportive he is). Does he genuinely considers himself a great dad and husband? I have one of those. I have put up with it for financial security reasons but , it is not my longterm plan.