Husband's evening hobby making things hard

Pick some evenings for yourself and just go. Get out the house, ignore his protests, just do it. Tell him you've joined a base jumping club. It doesn't matter, just get out!

And if he won't do his share of chores, go on strike - don't wash his clothes, cook his food, or tidy his shit up. He can make his own lunches. He can sort the dogs out.

my Mum had 4 kids, me and my big brother 18 months apart. I know that we were difficult and she dealt largely with us on her own as dad worked away/ Even she thinks my daughter is difficult hence she has asked to not have her overnight anymore.

This sounds like a problem all by itself and I have three close together kids two difficult ( ND) and a DH who worked away in week so did all bar weekends by myself.

He sounds shit - as to reiterate what a PP says - YOU CAN NOT MAKE HIM CHANGE.

If baths are diffcult with mopping etc - they don't need to be everynight - you could even get down to just weekends when you all have more time - I know this as frequent baths were an issue with eczema so we had to cut right down.

I would look at your bedtime routine - as it does seem fraught - and it's always a bad time of day IME as everyone is tried - what can you do to make it easier.

I don't see your relationship has much hope - really sounds like he wants to be a disney dad whether he stays or goes TBH and you sound like him gone would be easier for you to deal with.

So basically your solution is that the OP just keeps doing all the food cooking

You’re not in a partnership.
he is living his life and you’re doing everything else.
he is working, doing his hobbies and had a therapist telling him ‘he needs more time from you’

you are working, raising your child, doing housework and life admin.

he avoids his child, they will see this and remember it.
he is just a visitor in your lives.
he thinks you should be grateful.
you think you deserve more.

there’s no middle ground there, kick him out.
raise your actual child, not the one you married.

A constant need for excitement and change usually comes from a deep-seated unhappiness and inability to accept yourself.You’ll never be happy with life unless you’re happy with yourself. Your husband sounds like he’s always chasing the next thing because he’s not happy in himself. Unless he’s gong to address that he’s going to constantly chase his idea of happiness, which doesn’t really involve you or DD.

He sounds like he’s terminally selfish and all the therapy in the world won’t change that (especially with a therapist that tells him he needs more high octane time away form the family 🙄).

I think it’s ok to not be together. There’s more men out there than is acceptable who just aren’t suited to family life because they can’t put themselves second. They just don’t have the ability to put their family first. How many times have you told him things aren’t working? How many times doesn’t he stick to it? How many times to you accommodate him? Put yourself second? You had an agreement that he had to prepare meals before he indulges his hobbies and he either wants you to plan it or to cook extra the night before ie he wants you to facilitate his share of the familywork. He could quite easily do it, but he chooses not to.

Does he make you happy? Do you think things can change enough to make you happy?

It does not take any longer for either of you to cook double quantity when cooking. We do this all the time. If you cook up a batch of mince you can make a Cottage pie one evening u could make a second one to pop in freezer and another evening have some mince with a jacket potato or with Nachos and a salad etc. Same with a nice curry which can be eaten with jacket or with rice or pasta or with a nice naan bread etc. Every Saturday we have home made pizza ( using bread maker for dough) and make enough to have another slice for Sunday teatime.
Maybe keep meals really simple on nights he is not there if you do not have leftover.
Situation sounds tough but if you are going to make the marriage work and you both have mental health challenges you will need to find a way where you both have an outlet to improve your mental health.
Maybe you should try working out that on each of your ' Nights off' the other person does all the jobs so there are a couple of nights a week where you are not cooking or doing bedtime,a couple of nights you do all of it and 3 nights that you share?

Also just wanted to say, as the fellow parent of a very difficult baby, that they do exist and they are bloody hard work. Your partner needs to reciprocate the solo nights you do for him to do his hobby so that you can also have some time for your mental health.
That's what a relationship is about.
He needs a reality check... He's being quite selfish if he's not willing to do the same for you.

Just reading about him is giving me anger issues. What a selfish, self-centred waste of space he is. You need to take your child and leave him again and this time don't go back when he falls apart.

OP what was your DH's relationship with his father like? It sounds like his vision of fatherhood isn't very 'hands on' and I wonder if it's a reflection of his own childhood. It comes across like he wants to be a kind of 'Victorian father' who has his child brought up from the nursery by Nanny once a day so he can give them quick pat on the head and then get back to his life.

I don't think you should change anything based on things he claims were suggested during his individual therapy as you have no idea what story he has painted for the therapist. Sounds like the division of free time between you should be the key discussion point for your couples therapy (if it isn't already).

Sounds a bit adhd, seeking adrenaline to feel stable. Adhd and selfish

He has a problem with his knees yet he manages muay Thai and wants to join the marines.

He's a useless sack of shit.

Therapists, in general, don’t talk shite. Nor are they miracle workers.
There is nothing here about OP’s own hopes and dreams. It’s all what the husband wants, and her doing the wife work.
The fact that he stopped doing the hobby when she wasn’t there and fell apart says a lot. And then when ‘mummy’ comes home, he can go out to play again.
He is taking the piss. Yes, we all need outlets but not at the cost of the rest of the family.
And OP’s alone time should be spent doing exactly she wants. If she wants to sit in the park, it doesn’t matter.

How old is your child that she's in charge of the house with her screamings and messing around every night?

He wants to lead a single life with someone (you) at home to do all the domestic chores. He's doing his best to spend as much time out of the house as possible. So selfish!
Is this a relationship you really want for ever more? He's not going to change, so you need to either put up with it or finish the relationship.
I'd be running for the hills personally, and give myself a chance to start a new relationship in due course that was more equal and rewarding.

You can see that he's just looking for more and more reasons / excuses to get away from you / his family can't you....? He has essentially checked out of your relationship and family life and just wants to do his own thing. But yet you can't go out and do anything as he would "struggle" looking after his own child and 2 dogs for a few hours?!?!

OP - I know of teenagers who look after their young siblings and pets for a few hours each week with no issue. This is a fully grown man.

I'd also be massively concerned about a grown man who is ex-forces, capable of Muay Thai and wants to join the Marines, yet can't look after a toddler on his own.

Also worrying that you are both having therapy separately AND together and yet there are still so many issues. I would be saving time and money and binning therapy off completely as it clearly isn't working.

@IGB9723 You are getting my first ever LTB. Honestly, you will be so, so much better off on your own.

I understand op , my son is autistic with developmental delays and doing his bedtime routine is like herding cats , I'm very organised and an experienced parent but it's just so draining. One child can feel like 5 in some cases.

Knitting is my hobby but it was put on hold for 10 years while I was raising children. My mental health would definitely have improved if I had had time to continue with it.

If you husband is ex military, then he knows all about commitment, discipline and being part of a team that the armed forces require. That's exactly the same as being married. (ISTR being told the hardest job in the world is a serviceman's wife.) If he needs an adrenaline rush why can't he take up base jumping out of a tree? Sorry, I'm being sarkie.

Therapy aside, he needs to get a grip of himself, because therapy only really works if you want it to, and he obviously is quite happy to bimble along being a poor hard done to 'victim'. I'd suggest your anxiety issues are exacerbated by his attitude to family life.

I agree with pp who said to agree to him having as many evenings as he wants, so long as you have the same number of evenings for yourself.

He also doesn't get to dictate that your hobby should be exercise, just because his is because he needs the adrenaline! Maybe your hobby is book club, or going to the cinema.

Seen your latest update. If your going to stay at least get a separate laundry basket for him. Stop doing his laundry. Try and make simple dinners you can freeze and eat when convenient with child. If he won't make your life easier stop making his life easier.

You also mentioned making lunches? Please don't be making him a lunch for work if that is the case.

Exactly this. It’s very bizarre to me that OP seems to need her partner there for all the basic steps yet is complaining her partner can’t cope. She can’t seem to cope either.

Either the child is extremely difficult in which case probably needs some form of intervention or both parents need to reassess how they’re doing things.

I agree - life doesn't magically get better when you split.

But there are certain expectations in a marriage - sharing a life, sometimes a room, having sex, eating together, helping each other - and there sometimes comes a point when the relationship has deteriorated to the point where actually all of this becomes impossible or un-stomachable. Splitting might make life harder but there isn't really another option then.

Then just leave the chores?

if you are all out al day how much tidying can there be to do daily? And what prep is needed for the following day? Takes me roughly 5 minutes to get uniforms out and check school bags. I spend about the same sorting my own outfit and work bag.

But she has already said that she has to pick up chores on her 2 free days so they aren't free like his are they?

It's not bad advice to leave when it's one less huge mental load to get rid of. She's a single parent anyways in a dual household so what difference would it make? Its one less person to run around tidying up after, feeding and being on schedule to put things away. I would also put money on it easing some of the anxiety she has and quite possibly the DDs difficulties could become easier being out of an angry yet absent household. It's surely much better advice than shut up and carry on.