Husband's evening hobby making things hard

I don’t think the issue is that he gets two nights a week, I think the issue is that he is not pulling his weight at all… and he wants to do even less! My ex use to always to matter on about how hard down by he was cos he wanted to do x, y with the ‘lads’ and I wouldn’t let him. It’s not that I wouldn’t let him, but I wanted him to want to spend time with us / his kids and it was a deal breaker for me.

I think you need to think really hard what you need, what your deal breakers are ans where you are willing to compromise.

im going to be really honest and tell you he sounds insufferable like a giant baby! I don’t think he’ll improve. If you were to go out 2 nights a week you’d come back to the absolute bare minimum being done and your cycle will continue!

There is no way his therapist instructed him to do this… no way at all.
Ger some bullet proof contraception. You can not risk having any further children with this selfish man child. What a useless, indulgent excuse for a man. Stand firm. It would be a solid no on both fronts from me, tell him he clearly needs the practice as he can’t manage even 5 mins on his own. Pathetic.

Muay Thai is not going to help his anger issues OP. My DP used to do it and his testosterone was always heightened. Since he stopped, honestly he doesn't get angry/annoyed half as quick. It's obviously not the only factor by a long mile, but it won't be helping. Can't he try something more strategic but still martial arts like BJJ?

I was told baths were actually bad for eczema even with Emollient bath or oat milk in - though I suppose it depends what her triggers are.

We left off baths - got scratch mits and tops and found finally found good moisturizing cream and put huge amounts on and then later found triggers but it was a long lonely journey - but it's certainly possible if the eczema is bad is why she playing up so much - it's painful.

Yet another useless father and partner. Why bother with him?

What do you have control over op? Your actions. If you’re not asking him to leave, I’d say you’re not pulling your weight and I have to let something give. And: leave his clothes in the laundry, make sure there’s no food for him two nights a week. When he meal preps and supports, then you’ll cook for him. While he is leaving that to you and fucking off anyway, you don’t produce food for him. I’d also leave for an hour at difficult time min 2 nights a week and tell him he needs to cope, if he loves his daughter he will try.

but he sounds weak and entirely selfish and he doesn’t love either of you anywhere near enough to overcome that and stop focussing on himself, so I’d leave.

How on earth is going to do the marines part time if he can’t run?!😂 Sorry op but he sounds like a useless plonker who is unable to man up in real life.

Because it sounds like the anger issues are a bullshit excuse for going off whizzing down mountains on a pushbike.

He needs to batch cook at the weekend every couple of weeks. I've started freezing portions into half cup size blocks so you can defrost it quicker as much as you need. And he's back by 8.30, plenty of time to do chores around the house. And daughter doesn't need a bath every night.

Yes give him the two nights hobby, as long as u get two nights as well. Even if u have to go wandering around Asda or sit in ur car take two nights too, this will show him what u do when he is gone.

I know from your posts you are so tired therefore this is especially infuriating to read! Just don't bloody cook for Mr fusspot then! Also my husband boasts about his time in the army and how it trained him to eat anything!

Your husband appears to be very selective.

I can’t believe posters keep suggesting that the OP just takes her 2 nights off as well. He’s stated he does like not being left alone so the child, the OP has said he has ‘anger issues’ that ‘only come out at home’. Does he really sound like the sort of man who should be left alone to look after a challenging toddler.

@IGB9723 he will never change. He doesn’t seem to care if your life is more stressful as long as his isn’t. You’d be better off separating. At least then you wouldn’t have to tidy up after him as well and you could make him take your DD for one full day every weekend (I wouldnt let him have her overnight given his issues). Yeah he would be a Disney dad but at least you and your DD wouldn’t be living with a selfish twat with anger issues and you would get one full day a week to yourself. And it may not solve your evening issues at the moment but as your DD gets older that will get easier, so long term you would be winning.

Are you sure he hasn’t got another woman

Why are you cooking for him full stop?!?!? If he wants to live his life the way he wants and go out multiple times a week / to hobbies then he doesn't get to have you cooking for him and doing his washing when you're busy with your child!!!

DH is at his hobby tonight and I usually leave him something to eat when he gets in but he isn't bothered if I don't and will just sort himself out when he gets home. Part and parcel of being out most of the night!

FFS this is insane.

The thing about therapy is that most therapists won't tell you what's wrong. They'll guide you to come to your own conclusions. So, the convo probably went something like this:

'I just feel so frustrated that I can't ride my motorbike three times a week anymore'

'What is it about it that you now feel is missing in your life?'

'The thrill, being on edge of danger, the speed'

'So, would you say you're probably not getting enough adrenaline?'

hmm.

He sounds like he wants to be a batchelor. I'm not sure your respective 'needs' make you suitable to be a couple at this point in time.

Idk if regular adrenaline rushes should even been something a new dad should be seeking out, above and beyond being a supportive partner, at least until home life is a bit easier to manage.

ok, fair enough.
i was just hoping it could make your life easier

don’t cook for him - let him make his own meals

ehy do you feel an obligation to cook for him? You have no such obligation

@IGB9723 losing your temper a lot is classed as domestic abuse when it's used as a way of putting your partner in their place.

leave the house on his nights. take the dogs for a walk. find a hobby yourself, take an exercise class.

Or just go in your bedroom and close the door.

i kind of see where he is coming from because i go to the gym or a class 3-4 times a week, sometimes twice a day.
But when its always scheduled around, my home responsibilities.

Can he do an early may thai at 6am?

TA is not realistic.

I think the reality of being a parent and the responbility have knocked him for 6, but you can't keep picking up after him. unless DD is in danger leave him to it. he doesn't need help to make a simple dinner and do bed time.

If he's not with your daughter alone much, he hasn't really done any fatherhood yet though? So how can he say its not enough for him? And he still has to do it, like it or not. Does he think you always love it? Children are hard work especially when tiny.

I'm guessing you've discussed all this with your therapist/marriage councillor too? Are they in agreement with this thread? Read your own posts back OP especially this one. It sounds like such a clear case of LTB. Are really there any downsides for YOU and DD (not him)?

I could write you opening post OP. Very similar situation myself. My DD is now 6 and it has caused nothing but resentment. Nothing has ever changed despite millions of conversations. I know the only way out for me is to leave, but life isn't that simple.

Whenever i mention it now, the response is always 'you would want me to give it up'. Tbf to my DP his 'hobby' is a not for profit sports club for young people. But it is his hobby in that he does it because he enjoys it. No money is made from it and my family sacrifice a lot to enable him continuing it.

Make life easier for you - stop the daily baths @IGB9723
Unless she is getting covered in mud, you can skip the nights he is in his hobby and when you are alone just give her face a wipe and take her to bed.