Husband's evening hobby making things hard

Okay, I now feel less sympathy for your DH and a lot more for you. He expects you to put his needs first always. Have you ever asked him what does he actively do to help you with your own struggles? What does he give back to you? He's taking you for granted, unfortunately this happens far too often in relationships when DC come along.

You’re doing fine. There’s no shame in struggling with a child. Sometimes they can test us to the extreme and it can be difficult if you’re not getting any support.

So you effectively are a single parent to 2 children. I think you know what you need to do.

Why is that relevant?

My child is disabled, that I have it hard doesn’t make it any easier for parents of non disabled children who are also struggling.

He's not struggling OP, he's opting out of family life and that's taking its toll on you and will take its toll on your child in due course.

No adult 'needs' an adrenaline rush. He wants it and is willing for his family to pay the price for him to have it. His therapist appears to have handed him all the excuses that he needs which suggests that either his therapist isn't very good or your husband is lying to you about what was really said.

Has he learnt any coping strategies ? Has he put them into effect ? Or is he just going to continue to use violence and anger to make himself feel good ? What happens if he gets angry and doesn't have access to martial arts or adrenaline fixes to cope ?

Any why don't you think that you and your child deserve better ?

We each have two nights in the week for hobbies and the other does bedtime alone and it works for us. So I don't think it is the evening hobby so much (weekend TA is a bit much I think) but that you are doing all the household chores plus work plus all the bedtimes. I would aim to get chores and admin fairly shared

I would assume you are doing all bedtimes and cooking. Trying to negotiate this with him sounds fruitless and frustrating.

In exchange you can give him a list of things he needs to take the load off you in other ways. Lean into the military. You're the officer here. He's the squaddy who needs to get into line. With the military tendencies he should be good at laundry, bed making, cleaning and boot polishing.

If he doesn't then send him off to the marines so you can work out a better arrangement.

He is choosing to prioritise his needs before everyone else op. Not acceptable.

This was my exact thought when reading the OP!

Youre not being unreasonable. I can feel how exhausted and exasperated you are from everything you’ve written. You need more downtime for yourself to recharge. You know this. He doesn’t get to choose what you do in your downtime and if you want you can just crawl under the duvet with Netflix on your night off. Once you’ve recharged a bit (a) you might have the energy to choose a proper hobby you enjoy and (b) you may see your way through to making life easier for you.

your husband is a picky eater and this rules out a lot of batch cooking meals. He can sort out his own dinner on his hobby nights.

When you have some space and perspective on it you may think of ways to make life easier for yourself. Cooking seems to be unnecessarily burdensome. You may need a few more tips and tricks there in terms of easy meals that are healthy and everyone enjoys. A slow cooker might help. Or order some meals from Cook for the freezer, Sainsbury’s do a nice fresh bolognese sauce (taste the difference), frozen mash and sausages (or anything else!). You want things that are not labour intensive and create little mess or if they do require some more time that you can do it much earlier (like chopping veg for the slow cooker).

it sounds like you massively improve his life, not sure if the opposite is true.

The child is probably becoming ‘tricky’ because she needs both parents attention and care, not just her worn out, exhausted close to burn out mother, children pick up on this stuff. They notice tension, discord and stress. He needs to bloody well grow up.

@IGB9723 why can’t he cook? Or preprepare or make his own food

he isn’t making your life easier at all is he?

Maybe your child is hard work.
Some people are in charge of 2 or more as single parents.

Your husband can want, have and enjoy a hobby but he doesn’t “need” one. What is he suggesting would happen if he didn’t go? Why is whatever would happen to him, worse than what happens to you when you are left alone?

I understand that activities and interests outside of family life are important but in my opinion they still have to be a part of family life rather than a complete absence from it.

My only suggestion would be to tell your DH that you appreciate he wants his hobbies and spare time but put the onus on him to find a solution that isn’t just you doing anything instead.

I am sorry that your child is so tricky. If your mum is also finding her tricky, would it be worth including the staff at nursery and your health visitor or GP in a search for some support here. There could be many reasons why she is a particularly tricky child. I’m not saying there is anything wrong, just that there may be support out there that could be part of the solution.

We all struggle with young children, this is nothing new. He needs to step up and be the adult. He is a parent now, and doesn’t have time for navel gazing quite frankly.

You need to be honest with him. "If you continue being this selfish in our marriage, we will end up divorced. Is that what you want?"

And if he goes on about his mental health, ask him, "What about MY mental health?"

I think you are being way too easy going on this. Right from the beginning he should be prioritising his CHILD not himself. It’s sickening how indifferent he is. The child is spending all week in childcare or at gps, her father should be fully committed to her well being and spending time with her when he can.

@IGB9723

My DH was an adrenaline junkie, too. Well, I guess he still is, but he's too old to do his 'hazardous sport' anymore. But the thing is, when our DC were small he managed to balance his sport and family life. Because an adrenaline junkie doesn't 'need' that rush anymore than an alcoholic 'needs' booze. They may want it, they may crave it, but they can do without it when needs must. So his therapist supposedly saying he 'needs more adrenaline' is absolute bullshit. He either has one of the worst therapists in the world OR he is lying to them about his 'needs' and his MH. IF it was even said at all, which I doubt.

Sometimes a partner's version of 'help' is worse than no help at all Because along with carrying the 'load' of home life virtually on your own, you also carry a load of resentment at watching him base his life on 'himself' rather than the family. And resentment weighs tonnes. And that's you right now, loaded down with the house, etc AND a huge load of resentment at him prioritizing himself and now demanding more of you. And whilst single parenting is hard, no doubt, the load can actually be lighter without that resentment weighing you down. The job is yours totally, yes, but at least you aren't watching someone swan out the door for 'me time' whilst you're doing just about all of it anyway.

My BFF said after she got ride of her useless exH, that although she was physically more tired at times, mentally she was light as a feather. AND she had less cleaning up, less laundry, less cooking, and in the end a bit more money! It may have been all her responsibility, but it was also all done by her rules, her routines, and her home to set up as she liked it with no interference from him and not having to take him into consideration one little bit.

At this point, I really think you need to turn the focus of your therapy from "Can my marriage be saved?" to "Would I be better off without him?". Ask your therapist to help you focus on and visualize that, both the good and the bad of being on your own with your child. I think if you focus on that you will also be focusing on your anxiety, a good deal of which I'm sure comes from your marriage.

It's going around in circles, OP. Everything suggested you have tried or wont work for one reason or another.

Men who WANT NEED BLAH get on my wick. Yes, dear, we all want our lives to go a certain way but sometimes, especially as parents, we can't HAVE IT ALL.

Put your foot down harder than he currently is. He needs to deal with the compromise or fuck off, frankly.

As a side note, if you do separate - would you be happy for your DC to be with this man overnight? He's made it quite clear he doesn't want the hard parts, his needs must come over all others and is verbally violent..

Perhaps a compromise could be that he keeps one day for his hobby, then he alternates when he does a second day, so one week he does, one he doesn't.

2 days would be fine if he was pulling his weight with the chores/dogs. You should also be getting time for hobbies or just to sit and chill whilst he does bedtime etc.

I agree that when you're working, it's good to have support in an evening and that alongside all the jobs, 2 evenings would feel like a lot.

My wife fences and I (we're both women) like board games. I go out twice a week after I've put our 11mo to bed. My wife fences twice a week. On those days she isn't home at all until gone 9, so do feel the strain of cooking/bedtime routine etc, after being alone with baby all day. But I'm happy as I also get to go out twice a week. Atm I have to be present for bedtime as my baby breastfeeds to sleep, but when I can, I'll leave her with my wife.

Your husband needs to get used to parenting and having your daughter alone.

At the end of the day, if either needs to be equal, or for now his hobby needs to go on the back burner. It's the nature of parenting. Don't have kids and expect your life to be the exact same.

Or as you say, he needs to be flexible, and go and find a hobby he can do after bed time once a week for his second day.

To be honest you both sound shit parents.
Both of you have difficulty looking after ONE child.
He is selfish and telling lies. No good therapist would
encourage him to opt out of family life.
You are stupid in making excuses for his shit parenting.
Wake up and smell the roses.

He is seeing his child in terms of what she can give him, ie, happiness and joy. he doesn't seem to be thinking of what he committed to providing for her when he decided to have a child, ie, the hard work of parenting. He sounds utterly self centred. Get rid and see your anxiety lift by itself.

It sounds as if his hobbies are intrinsic in maintaining his mental health? Not taking sides here, just noticing that could be a very difficult non negotiable position for you to be in?