Husband's evening hobby making things hard

Needs his rush of adrenaline… WTF

Why wouldn't you tidy the bathroom before starting to paint doors? Surely that's just common sense?

Agree @Feelingmuchbetter

It's your 3 or 4 year old that deserves sympathy.

You and your husband are adults and must resolve your struggles with each other.

Your poor child, neither of her parents can cope with raising her, you both decided to have her, fgs.

Ok, you're both struggling but clearly, according to your husband, his needs trump yours. Why is that?
Also, you say your daughter is wonderful but can be a handful. I don't know how old she is. Has it occurred to you that some of her less than desirable behaviour could be due to feeling sidelined by her father? Kids are smart and know when they're basically not wanted.

Do you want to stay married to this man, OP?

Youre not bring unreasonable at all. You’re making all the compromises while he has everything his own way. I don’t believe for a second what he claims his therapist says, either. He’s making excuses to opt out of family life. He doesn’t seem to care about your mental health while using his own as a get out clause.

You’re already doing it all yourself and are beginning to resent him. I’d say it’s time to seriously consider your marriage.

A shit tonne of housework and gardening is great exercise manchild. Get those steps in and time the “workout” or you’ll be doing a walk out…

OP have you suggested he chooses a career path that gives him adrenaline so he doesn't need to be doing his hobby all the time? Muay Thai instructor?

OK, I'm a huge supporter of my OH having a hobby, and people often comment I "allow" it too much. But we have a great relationship, and it works for us. I don't work, my kids have all started school/ nursery now, so I have all day to prep dinner, clean the house, and have some me time. Evenings can be stressful when he's out, but it's a trade off that works. There is no way on earth I support what your husband is doing here! You say you work, I'm assuming full time? If so where is your time?? You both need time to do things for yourself, and if it carries on its obvious this relationship won't last long. I think you need a serious conversation about making sure both your needs are met in a way that isn't detrimental to your child. It may be that he pays for care so you can have some time too. He's therapist sounds very dangerous, and not helpful for either of you.

Pets are great but they are also a lot of work. I wonder if you have taken on too much by having two dogs on top of a very difficult child? Dogs and children do pick up on the emotions of the owners/adults of the house and would become unsettled if they sense tension. Can you try to place the dogs with a foster and see if things improve?

Having read a bit more, I think you have an entitled man-baby on your hands here. All this 'loses his temper', 'needs an adrenaline rush' as per the advice of a therapist, presumably as a regular outlet so he loses his temper less...
I'm not buying it, honestly. He just sounds utterly selfish, entitled and blind to your needs. Your daughter is suffering because of his attitude too. When people point to your husband's selfishness you tend to say...'but...' You're being way too accepting of this situation.
I'm wondering why he didn't remain single / childless if parenthood / domesticity is not for him.
He needs to grow up quickly or ship out, I'd say. You're practically a single parent right now anyway. Don't waste years on a selfish man who doesn't appreciate what he has!

Just for context I haven't rtft yet, but I just want to say in regard to what you said:

1. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
2. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.
3. There’s too much to do. We have two dogs that need taking care of too.

Let him get his 'adrenaline rush' on a Friday and he can dart around after your little DD.
He can also walk the dogs of a morning if need be for exercise.

He has therapy once a week, then hobby twice a week?

You do the same, have therapy once per week, and bugger off out twice a week (whether with friends, hobby or walking dogs) and leave him holding the fort with your DD.

He is old enough to realise that having children is a SACRIFICE, and you should not feel guilt when you leave your DD with her father. He helped make her, he can help raise her.

My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

How convenient. I call BS

What a shame he/she didnt say "you need to be a better husband and father" or "you need to grow the hell up"

im not sure this is going to be fixable in the long run, and seems like the therapy (couples and alone) isn’t really going to fix the crux of the problem.
It’s not unreasonable for him to do a hobby 2 eves a week just as equally it’s not unreasonable that you feel burdened and overwhelmed because you do most of everything with your daughter.
If you try and get him to stay at home more it sounds like things escalate and do you really want someone to stay home with you when they’d really rather be doing something else.
You sound incompatible regardless of the fact he ‘fell apart’ when you did a trial separation. He is making your anxiety worse, and he sounds stressed, hyper and unhappy.
Personally I would live apart and co parent 50/50 because your situation is only going to lead to piles of resentment building on both sides.
Its hard when you have a child that is full on, not great at sleeping and working, but as they get older things do improve but in order to get through it you need someone to be on the same page as you, and you don’t sadly.

Do you think the Marines thing is something he actually wants to do, or is he just using it as a threat, or a way to make you see how "well off" you are at the moment? I just wonder, because if he can't run because of his knees, then the Marines are going to have a problem with that, surely? Although I admit to not knowing that they had part-timers either.

Whatever the answer is, he is clearly (in his head) a man who "has" a family, rather than a man who is "part of" a family.

What is it you think she needs to do? She can’t cope on her own with her child for 2 nights so she certainly doesn’t want to be on her own with her child 7 nights a week, 52 weeks a year. He’s absolutely not going to be a 50/50 dad and she can’t force him to be… so, I really don’t understand this.

If she leaves she’s on her own completely which is her problem with the 2 nights a week!

OP, i hope your contraception is absolutely bullet proof.

You do not want an accidental pregnancy with this loser.

I think you should look and see can you move back in with your mother and get away from this deeply selfish waster.

I don't believe his therapist has told him to opt out.
So he's a selfish liar too.

You need to look after you mental health.
Talk to your mum don't get pregnant again.

a few practical ideas

• Cook only for your self and DD the days he is doing his hobbies- something easy, can be thrown in the oven. No need to stress about what he is going to eat .
• really reduce the “chores” you have to do on these evenings.
• If finances allow it- hire a cleaner.

OP he needs to allow you the same time away. Even if you just go for a walk with the dogs three nights a week. My husband didn't enjoy trying to get a shrieking baby to bed either but he put his noise cancelling headphones on and did it. He complained a bit but he knew it was only right that we both got to do our hobbies.
Sounds like he is struggling with parenthood but I wouldn't be making too many allowances.

I would be frustrated by this situation.
We have a much easier bedtime set up than you and I struggle on my own because my daughter is really over tired in the evenings after nursery and its impossible to know what will set her off. And we have no baths to contend with and honestly do the easiest 'no cook' dinners possible to get some food into her asap before bed.
(My husband has a hobby 2 evenings a week but sometimes we/he manage to get her into bed before he leaves and then I just have to contend with the potential wake ups)
I do think reading your OP that I would've expected this scenario to rear its head - someone who did a hobby 5 evenings a week instead of spending any time with their partner was never going to happily reduce that for any reason, even their child.
I think your husband is prioritising his needs over the families which is always going to cause resentment when you're doing the opposite.
It sounds like you don't have many evenings together for dinner anyway so why don't you let him sort his own dinners during the week and do something super easy for you & your daughter on the nights you're doing bedtime. You can do family dinners on the weekend when things are less busy?
You need to leave him alone to do dinner/bath/bedtime when its his nights to look after your daughter. He might not like it but its the only way you'll get the same 'relief' during the week that he does.
It's obviously only going to get worse come September and I don't think he has any incentive to compromise so it's unlikely he'll give up the 2 weeknights activity without some sort of ultimatum if you feel the relationship has gotten to that point. (In his mind he has already compromised from 5 to 2 evenings)
Tbh I like doing things as a family so this 2 nights for just me, 2 nights for just him set up would feel really lonely to me, but I get it works for some people.

Astonishing level of entitlement on the part of DH here.

Starting a family means big changes.

He doesn’t seem to appreciate that.

Assuming you’re both working, he should be doing 50% of everything- childcare, chores, everything.

Haven't RTFT so apologies if this has been covered already...

Where is YOUR downtime?

You're right that parenting a young child is not always easy. You're in the trenches right now. Lots of us are. There are moments when I am pulling my hair out, snapping at DH, dying for a weekend off. But the idea is that when we are on the other side of it, we will look back and laugh at how tired we were, how messy the house was, how many whispered arguments we had about laundry and lunches and whose turn it was to empty the bins. When you get past this stage and look back, will you feel better about your marriage or will you feel nothing but resentment?

As a couple, you have one child who isn’t even at home with you all week. Assuming no additional needs, the two of you should be able to cope with this.

The reason you can’t is because your emotional reserves are depleted because he is either intrinsically broken (anger issues, endlessly searching for stimulation) or because he is a responsibility-dodging twat. Neither of these can be fixed, the huge amounts of therapy you’re all having shows this.

I think you should end it, OP.

Do you think your DD has additional needs? Or is she ‘just’ being hard work, as little kids are?

I think the issue is that you aren't willing to accept that he is selfish
the only solution is to play him at his own game - exact tit for tat on free time
makes for a shitty marriage but that's what you have right now too
and you can both drop therapy - pointless waste of time and money since you're having therapy because of his behaviour and he's having therapy to justify his lack of interest in his wife and child

You aren't meant to be in 2 different types of therapy at the same time.