Husband's evening hobby making things hard

This is one of the most ridiculous situations I've read on MN. He sounds awful, OP

Some really awful comments here from the handmaidens that like to infiltrate this site.

OP, when you and your daughter lived with your mum, did you find your anxiety was reduced? How often did he see your daughter then and did he do any meaningful care? Was your mum OK with you both living there?

I'm not suggesting you go back to live with her but it sounds to me as though you would find it much easier if he wasn't living with you. I think your daughter is suffering from anxiety, too, and that's why she's struggling at the moment.

Neither of you sound like you’re really enjoying parenthood

I wonder why you said that. She’s stressed and under pressure with a young child and a job plus a husband who is pushing to be more regularly absent. I’m sure she loves her child and being a parent as well. It was quite cruel and unnecessary and I wonder if you say things like that often?

I don't think you're unreasonable, although perhaps you should have seen it coming - these "hobby types" are commonly selfish and uncompromising. My father was one such and when I was little I swore I would never get married as he was always at his sports club when not working, while my mum worked, looked after children and did all the cooking and cleaning. Oh and she walked the dogs until us kids were old enough to do it. Sounds a bit like you. (I did get married but his only real hobby is gardening!)

Posters saying how hard can it be to put one child to bed are missing the point. It's the fact that it's all on you, all the time, the endless routine.

Meanwhile laughing boy enjoys his hobbies and time for himself and tells you he needs more for his mental health and because fatherhood isn't fulfilling enough. Yes OK some time to oneself and exercise is good for you but he wants to take and take and expects you to give and give. What about YOUR mental health and fulfilment? (Let me guess, he assumed the baby was going to be your hobby? My husband tried that one ...)

The issue isn't really (or isn't just) the hobbies, it's the growing resentment about the imbalance and being life partners with someone who always puts themselves first and never you.

What to do? I don't know ... it's unlikely he will change. You left him once and went back to his old ways. You can do that again but permanently. Or you can put up with it and keep trying to carve out time for yourself (even if you'd really prefer a united front of more joint parenting time); it will become easier to do that as she gets older. Or third option accept your lot and go full on trad wife and pander to him.

Good luck anyway.

If there's not enough time in the week for you to have that amount of time off, there's not enough time for him to have that amount of time off is there?
In a nutshell, he wants to monopolise any free time available and leave you with the donkey work.
Speaking from experience, i honestly think you'd find life easier as a single parent OP. It is relentlessly hard knowing you have another adult in the household who could pitch in and make family life run smoother, but choses not to. In many respects life is less stressful not dealing with someone else's angst, and the sadness of feeling let down and put upon.

A very good point - Royal Marines demand an astonishing level of physical fitness (my brother is ex RM).

3 lots of therapy going on and you've recently moved out for 3 months.

What did you agree upon re hobbies and childcare when you moved back in?

Your husband needs to be a parent to his child and he won't achieve that if he is never alone with her. All children are hard work at this age...

Think of a long list of stuff that could improve your life and hand it to him, signed by your therapist. Bloody hell!

Stop making his dinners and eat simple things midweek you and your DC like and he can sort himself out. Stuff accommodating his ridiculous fussy eating. Frozen pizza or pasta is fine when your tired etc.

do you need to mop every night? Have you got a dishwasher? One less thing to do at night.

do you mean you bath your DC downstairs? Sorry was confused…my friend has twins and only a shower so bought one of those big plastic round storage tubs and filled up from the shower and bathed them in there.

I doubt his therapist told him he needs an adrenaline fix. With both of you in therapy something isn’t working. How old is your daughter? I would tell him that with his therapy, warhammer, work and hobby he gets plenty of non family time and you are sick of you and your DD coming last already so he has to knock the Marines idea on the head unless he wants to sacrifice his hobby. Sounds like he is unprepared for parenthood. You also need to leave your DD with him or they will never forge a bond and he will be unable to cope with her should you split.

You are not unreasonable but unless he has a basic change in his priorities it is not going to get better. It will change as your child gets older but the underlying incompatibility will still be there.
Is the relationship worth fighting for? If so can you use one of your therapy sessions to work out a more equitable split?
I do not agree that because it is good to exercise several times a week then he gets to have three, or even two, evenings where he is out. He could go out for an hour to the gym, he could have gym equipment at home. It is the length of time involved that is the issue here. And his feeling that he will come home when he is done. His work and yours are the obvious priorities, then your daughter, then keeping yourselves well enough to parent. He is very liberally translating looking after his mental health into having one or two particular activities and time around them at the time that suits him. He has created a huge trump card and will play it whenever necessary.
If you think it is worth persevering you need to identify ways to reduce the load on you, cleaner, fairer share of all house and child related tasks as well as a fairer split of nights you each have to yourself.
I would also challenge him in his attitude that the only justifiable activity for you would be some form of exercise. Releasing adrenaline is one way of looking after mental health but it is temporary. Finding a like minded group of people, a creative hobby, joining a choir, volunteering are all proven to be good for mental health.
If he insists on dangerous hobbies make sure he has a good insurance policy.

My first sentence literally says "either of you" meaning they both overcook to provide an extra meal for an evening when there is less time for both of them. Not quite sure how you reached your conclusion.

OP, are you willing to say why he left the army?

Have nothing but sympathy for you, would have gone stark raving bonkers if my husband had been out at bedtime multiple days a week even with one child. I would find it easier to cope actually being a single parent than with someone who made me feel as if I might as well be one. Could you decamp back to your mum's for a while, at least you would have some adult company in the evening?

This all just sounds so miserable op. You're in therapy, he's in therapy, you're in therapy together. No-one appears to enjoy spending time with your poor child who is described as hard work.
What do you want from life op? Do you want to keep on accomodating your manchild husband or do you want to enjoy life and spending time with your child?
I don't know what either you or your daughter are getting from your DH.

What about what you need OP? I get it, he 'needs' a hobby. Do you 'need' sleep, a partner who puts his child's needs before his own, some reciprocity? A night or two off yourself each week? Ask him why his needs come before yours and DDs. Honestly, it sounds as if you'd be better off alone.

"my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them."

that's a bit convenient for him isnt it?
He should absolutley be discussing this with his therapist.

Pick a night of the week that is yours, go out and leave them to it. He needs to learn how to be with his daughter and put her to bed. He might do things a bit differently to you and you need to step back and let him.

You both seem unhappy with life. That’s a lot of therapy/counselling. He obviously doesn’t like family life. He wants a bachelor existence. I’d get out of the relationship & leave him to it. Your whole life will be an uphill struggle with this man.

Has he ever, just once, considered your needs? Has he ever conceded that he selfish and self serving??

I also think it’s important to acknowledge what you said about his anger coming out only at home!!

Because if the answer is no to the top 2 questions, I think you need to consider how this will be for you, in 5 or 10 years when he is still being a self centred idiot.

I also think he needs to change his therapist - however he could be lying in the sessions or he could be exaggerating to you what has been said. These discussions about your needs need to be front and centre in your marriage counselling - so you can work out how you can move forward.

Because who leaves water on the floor after bathing a child? Especially when their OH is putting the child to bed, and said child can take over an hour to fall asleep.
Surely common sense says you don't leave water on the bathroom floor

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

He needs to learn to look after his DD and you need to let him learn however difficult you find it. You’ve made a rod for your own back there.

Agree.

Why is it?