Husband's evening hobby making things hard

Your (elderly?) Mum cannot cope having your daughter overnight on Tuesdays anymore (on her own?) but you're making your Mum wait til September before you let your Mum off the hook? Is that right? FYI my DH worked in London and used to get home every evening about 7.30pm so both our DC were fed, bathed and in bed when they were little (I did this alone). He slso worked away Mon- Fri when my DD (1st child) was one for about 9 months. So he'd leave Monday 6am and get home Friday evening. I was SAHP and no family nearby who could help. No escaping to work for me, no adult company. 🤷‍♀️It was tough but I managed. Your DH sounds pathetic. When kids are tiny/babies normal hobbies take a back seat. That's just life. Or you take it in turns to have a night out etc. What makes your DH so special?

You don’t need to justify yourself to somebody who’s just trying to be cruel. You don’t remotely sound like a shit parent, you sound like a mum who loves her daughter, and who is stressed I’m trying to do everything.

IF this was for me @MounjaroMounjaro?

My point, is only, that he wants to be out 3x per week but @IGB9723 cannot cope.

@IGB9723 is full of resentment, her husband wants to do his hobby.

Is it any wonder that their child "is difficult"

Just how "difficult" can a 3 or 4 year old be?

They are both adults with all the psychology at their fingertips to outmanoeuvre a recalcitrant tiny, come on.

WHO on earth said having children is easy?

@IGB9723

Your child needs both you and your husband, you both need to raise your game, it is hard, I get it, but you BOTH need to (at least) pretend you are adults.

To be honest you both sound shit parents.

No. She doesn’t. Perhaps you’re just having a bad day and you don’t normally speak to people this way. I certainly hope that’s the case because if not, it’s really not saying anything good whatsoever about your personality and intentions.

Massive red flag in your posts OP: If he doesn't get his way he gets angry.
You will forever be held under this threat, and the stress of walking on eggshells, the tense household, the angry outbursts and your own sadness and exhaustion have probably contributed to your daughter being 'difficult'.
You need to take some drastic action and think long term about what you want from the next 10-20 years and beyond, for both you and your daughter. Sometimes short term upheaval makes way for hope.

My dh has multiple hobbies and is self employed before kids he always said he could never give up xyz activities but now 3 kids later he happily works around the family schedule. He would easily go to one of his hobbies 7 days a week without a care except we have a relationship were I feel like he acknowledges what I need and he prioritises me so if I say I need time help etc he drops his hobbies and there's nothing else said. You need to seriously look at your relationship and how you both engage with each other. It's not meant to be score keeping its about give and take but it sounds like there's al take and no give

Is he really this thick or is just saying this stuff to wind you up? He can't run? There's not even the remotest chance he'll get into the Royal Marines.

I think you should just get used to being the main parent. Some relationships are just like that. The mum does it all, the dad does what he wants and the mum complains every so often about it but ultimately, nothing changes. Unless you're willing to make big changes, it's always going to be the case. It probably will only get worse as time goes on and your child needs more things. Like lifts to school activities or birthday parties etc. Sorry to be Debbie downer but I have watched this happen with other couples.

No wonder the birthrate is collapsing.

Well this relationship needs to be over then. He isn't taking any responsibility for himself. you will completely burn yourself out supporting him and picking up his slack

There are plenty of people who have ADHD and still pull their weight with their families.

There is medication you can take although it takes time to sort it out. Both my son in law and DD1 were diagnosed with ADHD as adults only after recognising similar traits in my granddaughters who were diagnosed ASD as toddlers/preschoolers. He can get diagnosed through right to choose.

I get this is frustrating for you and I agree that he does not get to opt out of family responsibilities. You don’t say how old your DD is and she may well get easier with age but in the meantime you are both in the trenches and need to support each other and that means him helping out too. If you have dogs and children he doesn’t get to pick and choose what he does. Hobbies would need to take a back seat for now. One night a week and a bike ride at the weekend would be my suggestion and he puts your DD to bed at least one night a week. Meal prep sounds easier so you should get a night off from Bath and bedtime and you do that instead.

You are not being unreasonable in your ask at all. Unfortunately you/the family is not his priority. You're an option, at best. Not one that he's picking often.
Stop making him your priority.

I speak as someone married to a fussy eater. The fussy eating is not your problem, it's his. Him being annoyed that you hadn't finished cleaning up before starting your hobby, his problem.

Stop making his problems your problems. Eat what you want, and what's easy for you. He can sort himself out. Yes, that means he might not cook for you a day or two a week - eat leftovers you made, or a sandwich, or soup or whatever you fancy that he doesn't want to eat.

He's getting plenty of time for his hobbies while you do everything else at home, so you do your hobby and he can mop the floors or whatever else it is he's bothered about.

Focus on yourself and your daughter, you don't have to make your life more difficult to suit his wants - he's certainly not making the same adaptions for you.

As an aside - not having to do the return journey to your Mums on a Wednesday, or pack an overnight bag etc for your daughter (assuming it's probably you that does that too) may take some stress off you. Even if that is at the expense of your current night off.

Well I'm stressed out trying to understand who does what when !

I'm puzzled that his knees are bad enough to prevent him from running but good enough to do Thai boxing AND become a marine reservist!

Four nights out on a solo hobby? When did you actually spend time together before you had DC?

doing it alone all the time… when I have a husband that could help… that’s a difficult one to swallow.

Could but wont. And uses his mental health and the looming threat of his anger as reasons to not help. I agree it's hard to swallow but this isn't going to get better for you. You're already at the end of your resources and some marriages just can't be made to work.

I work in Army recruitment. If he has knee problems he’s got no chance of getting back in the Army Reserve.

He sounds like he is ADHD. Is that something you have considered? The fact he needs this adrenaline rush, the hyperfixation on hobbies and him being a picky eater and obviously struggling with his mental health. He doesn’t seem massively concerned about the effect his hobbies, therapy, adrenaline fixes have on you. You say he can’t run with the dogs because of his knees but he cycles and wants to join Marines? That doesn’t add up. If he is on the spectrum that might mean your DD is too which is why she is tricky. Bit of a leap but maybe worth considering.

To be honest by point you are needing 3 lots of therapy and no one happy - you, him or baby (baby will be picking up on both of your unhappiness and general atmosphere) it’s all over anyway.
It sounds like he doesn’t want to be an actual parent just a Disney dad there for a few moments. Just read back what you’ve written he doesn’t like being alone with his own dc that’s not a parent.
Have you looked into logistics of splitting. No need to rush but I’d start getting ducks in a row.
Your mum minding baby is kind offer but 1hr drive each way is a lot after work and maybe maybe more unsettled due to it.

They have one child and her husband doesn't like spending time with her. He wants to be out of the house and when he's there he's useless. Is the OP supposed to be grateful for this?

Your own life might be harder than hers, who knows? It doesn't mean everyone wants to live with someone who doesn't pull his weight.

He can't have everything so he needs to decide for himself what gives - therapy, TA or Hobby.

Or marriage. He sounds like such a deadweight that if you divorced him you'd probably stop needing the anxiety therapy.

Maybe let him join the Marines fulltime. Or Foreign Legion or whatever. He supports you and DD to live well without him. I don't know if he gets to play Warhammer every week in the Foreign Legion though.

His attitude massively impacts on my anxiety

See above.

But he now says for his mental health and anger issues he needs he’s hobby at least two nights a week plus further adrenaline rush

Anger issues?!?? Only at home?!?? No wonder you're anxious. Divorce. You'll feel better. What do you think this is doing to your child who adores her daddy who has anger issues if he doesn't have everything exactly to suit him?

"who is pushing to be more regularly absent"

3 nights a week?!!

They have ONE child!