Husband's evening hobby making things hard

God, some men are just such self indulgent twats. Can you imagine a therapist telling a woman , who is a mother this bullshit.
Tell him to grow up or it’s over.

The point is not whether he gets ADHD medication soon or not. The point is that he hasn't even asked for it. By insisting he has ADHD yet doing nothing about it his potential ADHD is just another excuse to carry on behaving badly.

And it's not the evening hobby making things hard. It's the evening hobby on top of everything else that he does to make things hard. The evening hobby is just the last straw.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

You have to leave them together. Tell him he can get his adrenaline rush that way. But honestly, it’s the only way he will learn to get comfortable with looking after her.

I don't think two evenings a week for a hobby is the issue, DH works late one evening and goes to a gym class another, no problem with me, I go to a gym class one night too and sometimes have to work further from home so don't get back until late a couple of times a month. All of this is fine because we both parent ds, we both do household chores (DH does more of the day to day cleaning than I do but I do most of the cooking and food shopping) we both also condense hours so we can split pick ups and drop offs and facilitating after school activities.
The problem here is you have a man who doesn't want to be an active parent and father.

Also I can believe a therapist either said this to him or colluded with him, it's a highly unregulated industry. I work in criminal justice and have seen reports from therapists on domestic abuse perpetrators and sex offenders that are frankly dangerous.

Bollocks indeed. Are you certain, of your own knowledge, that he is actually attending therapy? Or just he just say, 'Off to therapy', leave the house and in due course return? With the eerily convenient remarks the therapist is supposed to have made?

This! ⬆️

What makes him think he is so special?Hand him some loo roll and send him off for a wank...
Proper adrenaline rush there innit??
He has serious ideas above his station imo.

I absolutely wouldn't be cooking for him if he's that fussy, then. He can do his thing, you do yours. It's just another headfuck for you to deal with on top of all the rest. Batch cook for you and your daughter and he can feed himself :)

No it's not regional it's been like it since summer last year!

That must be regional. Both my DD and Son in law went right to choose through NHS less than 1-2 years ago and got meds immediately. Both have now been accepted by local GP as shared care. We paid privately for ASD diagnosis for my granddaughters as the NHS list was long but neither are medicated. We are in the South West.

If you have a day off a week, even though you’re with your child, he probably sees it as you having more time to yourself (not saying you are!)
I think you need to agree to some shortcuts that will help e.g. on the nights you have your child you batch cook a meal, he batch cooks another and you have an easy meal (jacket potato) or something the other night.

I don’t think other posters are meaning to be rude about you not managing with one but the more you have the more you get on with it. If she had a baby sibling she’d have to wait, scream for her own way etc. it’s good for her to realise she has to wait.

When my husband went out at night I used to make it easier on myself by
getting tea ready in the morning so ready when I got home
get a few quick jobs done as they played
got everything ready for next day
did bath and bed then enjoyed the peace!

Id suggest make her sleep a priority because it makes a big difference getting a good sleep!

Actually unless he's on meds already then he won't get any for at least 5 years, and that's if you can afford to go private! NHS is a much longer wait, and in some areas they're prioritising children so the wait is much longer for adults.
I know this because I'm waiting for ADHD meds for both myself and my son!

YANBU
He is taking the piss. Make sure you have at least one night where you are out doing hobb/meeting friends so he does dinner bath and bed all alone and he get back once daughter is asleep. He may then have some perspective and you get a night off
If he can't do that leave him. you are doing it all anyway

I think he’s using any excuse he can to get out of his share of parenting. You’ve got no way of knowing what his therapist actually said. If you agreed to all the stuff he wants to do now, in a couple of months he’d be wanting something else.

OP, I just cannot get my head around the problem here. He wants 2 night out to do a hobby. Fine. You deal with dinner and bedtime on those nights - plan leftovers/easy tea and skip the bath at least one of those nights - eczema is made worse by bathing, even in emollient. You take 2 other nights off to do whatever you enjoy (and I’d suggest going out of the house at least initially so that the next step actually happens). He sorts your DD on those nights. You then have 3 nights together to share the load.
For this to work, you have to accept that his standards will differ, the house may be messier and your DD might just get a sandwich. If he complains, you smile sympathetically and remind him that it’s his night. Plan a review at the end of 1 month abd if either one of you wants to decrease the solo parenting nights, then it’s the same for both.
I go to a gym class 2-3 nights per week. It’s the minimum I need to maintain a decent level of fitness and the classes cut across part of bedtime. We have 3 kids. My husband ends up doing solo bedtime once and most of bedtime the other 2 nights. I jump in at the end and finish 1 child off. It’s not a big deal. He chooses not to go out the other nights but I ensure I’m reciprocating with a couple of solo bedtimes on other eves so he can chill/do something else. We agree on house stuff that needs doing and some stuff doesn’t get done. That’s family life. It sounds like he needs to step up and you need to chill.

How old is your daughter?

Sounds like there are quite a few issues to unpick.
Obviously good your DH is going to counselling, although it may or may not really be beneficial to the situation over all!
As your DH is ex military there could be some degree of trauma that is affecting him - it needs to be dealt with by specialists.
His temper issues need addressing and resolving.
His adrenaline issues - this sounds like it needs looking into medically and having proper support to manage it. Doing activities that give you an adrenaline high are not great but doing things to soothe it are obviously beneficial. Temper maybe linked to this.
Whilst his hobby works for him it's not working for you as a family....so they have to be revisited. As do time for your hobbies.
If he's picky about food, then he sorts his own food out. You sort yours and your DDs. Batch cook etc
If he's not doing chores regularly, leave things like his washing for him to sort.....if he leaves things lying around, just put in a box for him to sort etc.
Are there any changes you can make ie work hours, money to get help around the home ie cooking meals, some household bits etc.
Also is there any support you can get for you to help your DD - I've found the book there's no such thing as naughty by Kate Silverstone really helpful to understand children and what's happening with them. It also gives strategies to move you forwards.....
I think you need to work out what you want and work towards that - as the current situation isn't working for you. Am interested with what you say happened during your trial separation, particularly his non attendance of his hobby.....

small circle then @ElectricMagpie 😉

He'll find a woman playing Warhammer?
Most unlikely thing I've read all day 🤣

“My therapist said I’m not getting a big enough rush of adrenaline.”

Ah yes. The therapist also said he should have a threesome and never has to do the dishes.

Why are these men always weaponising their mental health to get away with doing nothing? This is his child too. Any time away he demands you need to get in equal amounts. So if he gets 4 nights to himself to spend as he wishes, you also get 4 nights to yourself. Let him work out the maths.

It's good to have hobbies and you should get some time yourself too. He seems like a crap dad though, you worry about leaving him alone with your daughter?!! That's insane

I think 2 nights a week for a hobby is reasonable, provided you also get two nights off, for a hobby or to rest. He needs to learn how to look after his own kids, regardless of how difficult he finds it. It will get easier the more he does it. He doesn't just get to check out of parenting. You need to step back and let him do things his own way. As for the marines, no, not until kids are older.

I’ve just booked to go on an overnight course with work. First time ever despite there being many other opportunities. My children are 16 and 18. My point being you can’t do everything you want when you have children.
I do think it’s very important that he has time for a hobby but it needs to be balanced with your needs and the children’s as well. So for example the Marines (or whatever) is a no unless he gives up his hobby. He can’t do both.
If he does his hobby twice a week and counselling one night can he be in charge of 2 evenings at home? So make dinner and clear up or do bath time and bed or whatever needs doing. If you do counselling on a Thursday I imagine you are exhausted so that would be a good night for you to just go to your room and relax/ watch tv etc.
So I am very pro him having some time but you need it as well. There needs to be some give and take. Otherwise there is no point to you being together.

He sounds like a real drain on your own resources. People who can't see their way to their responsibilities are very tiring.

Sorry, I don't have any advice to offer, just, I feel for you.

Is the couples therapy working? You could probably limp on without it and have an evening to yourselves. He could paint his little models or whatever it is he does.

He just keeps getting better and better. Urgh.