Husband's evening hobby making things hard

He sounds like a selfish arsehole. - I couldn’t be doing with him

You've had some very good advice here, OP, and of course it's up to you which parts of that you want to take on board. But the reality is that your marriage isn't working for either of you as it is. And resentment is enough to kill any marriage stone dead. He sounds like he's slowly edging out of your family life and frankly I'd accelerate the process for him.

Yup exactly how my kids dad was.

This is a tough one. On the face of it there is no balance in your family. It's always skewed in his favour and I personally wouldn't put up with that. To me a partner is just that, they don't make your life harder but raise you up. In your situation he is a dead weight. If nothing changes, the resentment will increase and you'll either blow up at him or have a breakdown and end up ill.

Yes there are things you can both do like batch cook, buy ready meals to stock your freezer even if you just do it for yourself and your dd and he sorts himself out. That would make your life easier whilst he is out at his hobby. If he is the fussy one then he sorts his own dinner. If you are struggling with your dd maybe consider a parenting course because you both do sound massively overwhelmed with just the one child. I also wouldn't consider anymore children with him as he's unlikely to change. It doesn't sound like he actively wanted a child and when a pp suggested similar you've glossed over that. Not saying that's an excuse for his behaviour but it would go some way to explain it.

Honestly I'd be looking to ltb and no he doesn't have a right to do several hobbies when the impact on you is immense. You deserve better than this.

Or just making it up. What would he say if you said you wanted to talk to his therapist?

It doesn't sound like he enjoys being a husband or father and prefers the bachelor lifestyle , the fact he can't manage to look after his own child alone says alot ..... you married a dud throw him back you're already doing everything what difference would it make anyway

Just read about your husband's bad knees which means he can't run. One of the requirements of the Marines is the ability to do a 30 mile speed march carrying 40 lbs of kit in 8 hours. (This is across Dartmoor.) So he can kick any hope of getting into the TA Marines

what do you get to do for yourself 4/5 times a week? My first time saying LTB on mumsnet.

I was about to ask this, did he actively want a child.

It doesn't sound like it.

Its not normal for a loving father not to want to be left to care for their child alone for an evening.

Imagine if a child's mother said that? There would be concerns they had not bonded appropriately with their child.

Its also completely ridiculous that he only thinks exercise is a good enough reason for you to be out in the eve OP - why is he so fixated on physical activities, why does he place such high value on them? Whatever you choose to do to relax with your spare time is up to you.

Tbh it just doesnt sound like he ever wanted a child.

I think two nights a week is absolutely fine for a hobby, as long as you are entitled to the same. I go out at least two nights a week for a hobby, on those nights we usually just cook for ourselves something quick and easy.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her.

Boo hoo. Is he seeing his therapist about this? Because if he isn’t, he needs to.

What if (God forbid) something awful happened to you, and you died. How would he cope? What would he do?

Sounds like he’s regretting becoming a parent. He wants the lifestyle of a childless single adult. Unfortunately for him he needs a huge reality check and needs to grow the fuck up. Fast.

I can’t believe you’re even asking if you’re being unfair.

Once a week for a father OR mother is enough to have some time alone or time for a hobby.

Show him this thread!!!

My therapist said I’m not getting a big enough rush of adrenaline.”

Ah yes. The therapist also said he should have a threesome and never has to do the dishes.

Love this @MissDoubleU

it's never going to get better, cut your losses while you still have it in you

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

All the hobby stuff is just a red herring. The real problem is this ^. You will never have a fair and equitable division of labour/free time/hobby time etc. while only one of you can parent. He either chooses to be a parent or he doesn't. If he doesn't then I can't see why you would bother to stay. If you split up you'd get your free time while your daughter is with her father, which is more than you would get now.

Sorry OP but your husband is a selfish arsehole. I was in a marriage with one of those, for years. I wish I had ended it much much sooner. Good luck and don’t waste your life.

He's bullshitting you. You know that, don't you?

I'm guessing that he's still doing Muay Thai. I don't see him managing that with knees that are too dodgy to run.

My late husband got his black belt in Shotokan Karate in his 60s and had to make some allowances (in end) for health problems before he quit completely. If his knees had been completely shot, he couldn't have managed. The same with any martial art, unless you're doing some kind of paralympic type adapted type.

I wonder what would happen if you were to organise a babysitter and join the same dojo/gym...

I don't care if your DH has ADHD and needs a stress outlet. So do I. When I was in the position of working full time and caring for two adults I had to give up my hobbies. Your DH has parental responsibilities He's lucky - he's not doing it on his own. The least that he can do is to be a bit more accommodating.

Exactly what I came here to say.

If he can't run, he can't join the Marines. I was guessing that his hobby involved martial arts, but he can't very well be doing something as active as that if his knees have gone.

"Sorry Sarge - can't get over that wall: my knees won't take it!"

Source: bad knees and a late husband who had to give up his hobbies after his health deteriorated.

If I were the OP, I'd be turning up at his hobby one night...

Stop all food and laundry for him immediately.
Rethink the pets which are huge additional work, if you can.
I appreciate that will be controversial!
You need to cut out any extra work load that you can.

Chucking him out might get his adrenaline going.

What a self indulgent tosser.

If he's got bad knees and can't run, how can he possibly join the marines? How's he going to pass the fitness test?

If you want to stay together, you need to lay out what's acceptable, and you need to just drop stuff that make it too much for you. Ready meal or takeaway 2 days a week (and he'll just have to cope). Put a big towel down under the bath so you don't have to mop (just chuck it in the machine after)

Lower your cleaning standards, do the toddler outfit choice tactic thing with him - are you doing bedtime, or walking the dogs?

And take the 2 bloody evenings off like he does. I know you feel guilty. It doesn't have to be forever though, it's just to give you the break, and make sure he realises that he has responsibilities too. Either you do this, or the relationship's over anyway.

If he can do TA/Marines/Mountain biking his knees are fine. If they are not fine he should not be doing any of these. He’s taking you for a ride (forgive the pun). I would cut your losses and move on - he doesn’t want to be part of your family unit, is desperately immature and selfish - I think you are wasting your time & life sticking around. Sorry 😔.

Just divorce him OP! @IGB9723 and that will also mean you will get weekends for yourself when he has his daughter.

Ok @IGB9723 im a mum of four with only 5 years between the youngest and eldest.
Looks like your DP doesn’t want to pull his weight and wants to prioritise himself!
So, he has as two nights away…… so do you( but you don’t prepare food, shop for him etc…. Your child will be fine!) make your life easy for your nights not for his! Let him see what it truly involves.
from what you’ve said my feeling is i
that he wants to be a Disney parent.
If that’s the case there’s nothing’s you can do.
Lwt him go, ii will be less stressful alone

Male therapist, probably

😂