Husband's evening hobby making things hard

He's a single guy with the benefits of a cook, cleaner, nanny and skivvy. He didn't like being apart because he had to adult then, I'd tell him to enjoy hobbies seven days a week, leave because if you stay he'd be constantly crying to come back, what an absolute man baby and waste of space.

I’ve read the full thread now @IGB9723and i have to say how sad it makes me. Your husband is stealing from you. He is stealing your time, your energy and headspace, and if he continues to do this he will steal your future career and financial stability.

I was adamant I wouldn’t end up a single parent. I was married for ten years before I got pregnant but once a child is here the woman can find herself in an absolute bind because that child needs taking care of and if the man absolves himself of responsibility it really is down to the mother.

My DD has ADHD and was a bit of a handful. We both worked full time. I guess ex- husband did 30% share. Doesn’t sound too bad does it? Meant that I was doing 70% after a full time job though. I guess you’re doing 90% from what you say.

I called and called him out on it I was so resentful and angry and eventually when DD was five, as per PP above, he bolted.

Fortunately my career was in place by that time so we’ve never struggled for money although I’ve had some dark times over the years, but never as bad as the anger I felt when I was being exploited.

I guess I am still being exploited because I’ve brought up his daughter alone while he moved away and predictably is a Disney Dad occasionally.

DD is a teenager now and our life is utter bliss. Peaceful, fun and we are so close.

Life goes by so quickly please get your qualifications and leave him. You will soar without this millstone around your neck.

What about YOUR mental and physical health? His therapist is encouraging selfish behaviour, rather than letting him reflect on the situation as a whole. He is a dad, and you are working. This is unreasonable.

Sooner or later you may have to cope without him.

Suck it up and start to put things in place for you. Find yourself again.

He will either be off doing marines, or leaving on the longer term because he "wants more"
and you want him home.

Yeah he is being incredibly selfish but he is not hiding his needs from you. You are more focussed on your child and not him and like it or not attention iscwhat we all want. Grow without him, learn to drive, make some new friends, get out and about. Do things for you. He sounds a bit bored and my bet is he will feel he wants to stay if interesting things are happening, weather you want him to when you come out of the cocoon is another matter.

Agree that things need to be worked at.
15 years with DP and trust me I've put a lot of work into our relationship and we're not even married. Engaged never to be married I say lol

But if he's not prepared to team up, then what is OP getting from her marriage?

I can be pretty black and white in how I see things and I know things aren't just simply done but where there's a will there's always a way.
I know I wouldn't have it. I didn't. He had to change or he went and thankfully he stepped up.

Not sure it is as simple as that. I would say there are very few perfect marriages and marriages have to be worked on continually, because the grass really isn't better in the next field, so to speak.

It is so true that the closer you get to a promising view, all the bare patches show.

Oh 100% however I think I'd be asking him if this marriage and set up is what he wants otherwise please feel free to leave and we can sort arrangements through the courts

@MusicMakesItAllBetter maybe she should be asking herself if SHE wants to be with him at all….

He needs to up on everything.
You're a team. A partnership.
He needs to do more at home.
He won't bond with his daughter if he doesn't try.

Have you asked if he wants to be with you all?

Is there an update on this?
How is OP doing?
Sending hugs 🫂

YANBU. You also need time for yourself! It’s not fair for just one person to get a days to let loose and focus on their hobbies. Both partners and parents deserve that, so no wonder you feel like you have a lot on your plate! I struggle with this with my partner too he has always left me to put our 1 year old to sleep while he goes off to exercise. I just ended up never having a moment for me! I decided to book an art class for myself on the weekends to claim some me time and it’s been great. Just to say, you deserve balance in your week and dad doing his part too. Also sure you also book something for yourself or get dedicated you-time❤️

Can we have update please OP?

Jesus. Get rid of him. Life would be so much easier. So he misses his daughter, so what. He can have her on a solo basis EOW. He can also take the dogs and either look after them or rehome them.

You would be mad to stay in this relationship. Do you have joint equity in the house? Would your mother support you to live with her for a few years while you get on your feet professionally. At least you'd have another pair of eyes.

Soooo many reasons why he needs all the family free time and you are just a support human who isn't allowed her own needs

Sounds like neither of u r enjoying parenting, ask GP for a referral for parenting lessons.

Your husband sounds like a selfish prick.

Agree that he can do his hobby 2 nights a week as long as he agrees to you having 2 nights a week off from sorting out your childs bedtime routine. & please stop feeling guilty for leaving them together without you. She's his child & should be doing his share to form a bond with his Daughter but also to give you a break.

You absolutely are not being unfair.
If he wants to give you 2 nights off a week then thats fair but otherwise he's acting very selfishly.
As your daughter gets older and goes to school things only get busier and the resentment will only grow. I'd nip his expectations and entitlement in the bud now. He needs to step up and you need to let him. He can't learn to be good with your daughter without practice. It stinks of weaponised incompetence.

OMG get rid of big kid AND the two dogs
Child comes first at this stage

OMG get rid of him AND the two dogs

Child comes first at this stage

He needs to be stepping up to make things work for everyone if he wants to do his hobby!

Can you both sit down to have a bit of a meeting about it? and during that, come up together with maybe 5-10 recipes which he can pull from for his dinner bank, plus another few that you can pull from when you need an easy night! Could be slow-cooker ones which could be put on in the morning, or batch cook type stuff that he could prepare multiple of on a Sunday, so that all he has to do is pull from the freezer on a morning before he goes to work (if you're happy to microwave when needed). Realistically he'd ideally do this on his own with no prompting, given that you've already discussed this and set out your boundaries, but if it's the first time you've made such arrangements then it might be wise to put a bit of time into setting it up so it works for you both. He also needs to be making sure this happens, and if not, he needs to be doing stuff like putting money aside and ordering takeaways if he doesn't get chance to cook, no excuses and no 'you might have to do it sometimes'.

I also think maybe you should cut yourself some slack here, and make sure you're also getting some hobby time/alone time/ study time. If you can re-arrange your life as a couple, by doing something like always having a pizza and salad for dinner on Thursdays, and then claiming your hobby/study time whilst he does the after school routine, or actually having a proper meeting with him, and getting a weekly plan for your family life together that you're both happy with, so he gets two evenings a week to do his hobby, and you get some study time and hobby time/ alone time/ whatever you need, and your child gets time with both of you.

It’s not about where. It’s about time to just ‘be’ or do what keeps you well. The amount of time you both have for that should be equal.

In my similar situation, nothing has really changed in regards to DP and his hobby.

What we do to make life easier is ready meals / takeaways on the bad nights. Not ideal but neither is feeling like you're the only one doing anything. Same for food at work. Buy pre-made or nip out for a sandwich at dinner.

I would try a change to the bedtime routine with DD see if something different works. My DD doesn't have eczema but it is often said too many baths agitate it. I know you have been given advice around the oil, but maybe do a week of every other night see how it works with dds skin?

Bedtime routines will naturally get easier. I know the nights are long and draining if your stuck in the bedtime routine till say 10pm. That happens at our house occasionally but has gotten better. I wouldn't give bedtimes up now though. I love that tkme with DD and DP has never asked for it.

Bulk of the house work gets done on my day off. I also work 4 days.

How wet is the bathroom floor getting for it needing to be mopped and why?

You're assuming that he'll want his wife and child there.

That's an idea however: I'll be interest to hear what his reaction is if his wife suggests that she and the child could join him.

My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

wtf