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Original poster

Giving up on a troubled friend

32 replies

Oliveoiloli · 07/05/2025 10:23

Looking for advice. I am now in my 40s and my DH and I made a mutual friend at Uni. He didn’t pass his degree, has struggled to hold down work and a relationship. Let him live with us for a while on mates rates, and just got used to buying an extra pint or an extra meal. All good. Was genuinely a nice fun person to be around in our 20s. However the years have passed and it’s all got a bit dark and twisty - the student mistakes (not revising, no commitment to work) have been replaced with a new darker set, drink driving, drugs, adultery. We have had enough and want to walk away. The problem is that our mutual friends think we are being judgy and mean for ‘giving up on him’ and it certainly has a big impact on our social circle. We don’t want the responsibility of this and it’s not in line with our values. What would you do?

OP posts:
BeesTrees · 07/05/2025 10:58

He’s a friend, not your adult child. You aren’t responsible for him in anyway. Don’t let him drag you down with his poor decisions. Don’t worry about people judging you for disassociating with him, you will be judged worse if you are still associating with him and he kills someone with his drink driving and everyone realises you knew he did that.

If people judge you for dropping him that says a lot about them, rather than you.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 07/05/2025 10:45

People are gonna judge, let them

Its sad for him, that life has taken this turn, but you can't keep on supporting him, to your own detriment

I'd be honest with him though - don't ghost him or be unkind, not saying that you would

Those who have sense and life experience, will not judge you x

HappyNewTaxYear · 07/05/2025 10:34

If you bin him off you are giving a clear message to him that his behaviour is out of order. If you don’t, you are telling him that you think his behaviour is perfectly acceptable - in other words, you’re enabling him. Your friends can judge all they like, but the above will still be true.

NineteenSeventyNine · 07/05/2025 10:34

He’s a grown man who is knowingly engaging in harmful behaviour. You’re not his parents; it’s not your responsibly to look after him and you can’t solve his problems for him. Walk away and tell him why — it might just be the wake-up call he needs.

toomuchfaff · 07/05/2025 10:33

All the people judgey; can we pass on your number? He can come live with you for a while? You'll be his shoulder and crux? Or maybe he comes with you to the pub all the time and you pay for him for a while?

Tell the judgey people to stfu. You can try to help, and try to help and try to help but sometimes you have to let go of the rope.

MagpiePi · 07/05/2025 10:31

Is he still living with you?

If your other friends are so concerned then they wouldn't they be happy to take him on?

Lovelysummerdays · 07/05/2025 10:28

I think you can’t really live your life on what other people think. He’s a bit of a waster/ freeloader and these people inevitably fall away as people mature, kids, family, jobs become more important