Giving up on a troubled friend

It would be different if he’d developed cancer or his son had been killed in a car crash. Then you have a moral duty to help. But he’s clearly just lazy and selfish. There are plenty of people in this world who are lost and broken through no fault of their own, so it’s it’s hard to sympathise.

Why are you talking to mutual friends about it?

He doesn't live with you so just see less of him and don't buy him a drink.

It's causing problems because you're gossiping about him and they don't want him to be their problem.

I’d say cheerfully we aren’t stopping you from supporting him, but we are used up. UNLESS he still lives wirh you in which case big smile for your bloody rude friends, and ‘that’s awesome, I thought you’d think that- I already told him actually, so I’ll bring him and his stuff around tonight. Hes so grateful to have your support.’ Then I would transport all his things to your friends place and tell this person he can’t live with you, his stuff is at x’s and he can see if they will have him.

I gave up on a few old friends, their drama was to much and I was no longer getting anything out of the friendship, it’s difficult to let go of old friendships sometimes as you can feel obliged to maintain them

The older people like him get the more toxic and messed up they become, I have noticed that with a couple of x friends

“our mutual friends think we are being judgy and mean for ‘giving up on him’”

What, you mean making him as much their problem as yours? I would want to walk away from drink-driving, drugs and adultery. As this friend is now in his 40’s, he’s highly unlikely to change. Bin him off, or he’ll be a lifelong leech.

I could not be friends with someone I knew drove while drunk or drugged. No way. You are right to distance.

Meh bin him off. I got to my 40s and realised life is too short for toxic dysfunctional friends. I’ll concentrate my time on the good ones thanks. If your other friends are so concerned they can be his crutch.

Tricky. I guess you are all in a fairly emeshed social circle. Can you step away from your friendship with him without it needing to be approved by everyone else?

Ask the judgey friends to take the person under their wings and see how long they last with his behaviour. You and your husband need to think about your mental health and your happiness. There’s no helping some people unfortunately.

If he’s still living with you I’d be sorting that out pronto.

otherwise I’d be quietly pulling back on seeing him.

Just distance yourself from him. Don't make a big deal of it to other people. Avoid him at group functions. Make small talk if necessary and then move away.

You absolutely are judging him and there's nothing wrong with that.

Can you just pull back? Just not invite him to things you arrange but still go to group stuff that he may be at as well?

Tell your mutual friends they're welcome to take responsibility for him. Do any of them?

No time for it - let your saintly friends take him in, buy drink for him, bail him out when he gets caught drunk driving, support him when he cheats, do drugs in their house, probably let him steal from them etc… and tell them to give you a call in 6 months to see what they think!

Either they’re just naive or they’re as bad as him OP, so sounds like you’re better off.

It is fine to say "Your behaviour doesn't line up with the way we see the world and we don't want it in our lives".

Well first i would be thinking about what these mutual friends have been doing to support him all these years, and then balance that in my mind with what i had done and would absolve myself of the need to support further.

And then i would just drop the rope and let mutual friends think what they like. But at the first comment from them i would say "so what have YOU been doing to help? what are you going to do, going forward" then carry on rope-dropping.

some people can't be helped. Some people won't be helped. And some people coast by knowing that their friends will step in. You know which one your friend is.

I walked away in my 40s, while it was very hard, I don't regret it.

You're not obliged to be friends with anyone. If you dislike the way someone behaves, don't hang out with them. It really is that simple.

Is he still living with you?

You don't need to tell other people what your reasons are. You don't even need to discuss or draw any attention to the fact that you're distancing yourselves. You can just fade out and give vague answers if anyone questions it. They'll soon see another side to things if he starts leaning on them instead of you.

I support people like this at work- it is incredibly draining but I can rely on professional boundaries to leave it behind after work. Much harder when it is a friendship.
There most likely is a route cause for the behaviour, likely trauma of some sort- you could try and link him in with support services- addictions/ mental health.

Yep, bin him.

If other people want to enable him, that's up to them.

It sounds as though you’ve run out of juice for this guy - that is okay. From the way your post is written, it sounds as though he is no longer living with you but is about to need a massive favour (somewhere to stay, a large loan). After a while you start to notice the pattern.

The people who judge are almost never the ones who offer up their own spare room.

I'd just distance myself and would stop helping him out. If you see him socially within your group then make small talk but other than that leave him to it

I wouldn’t be around who drink drives. That’s outrageous and verging on attempted murder. Cut him off and spare yourselves further drama. The friends who think his behaviour is acceptable can take him in, buy him pints and otherwise enable him but you’re off the hook.