Page 6 | Are our friends being cheeky?

sparkling1986 · 2025-05-07T07:36:43+00:00

DH and I are friends with a couple who live locally. We’ve known them a few years, we don’t meet that often but we tend to take it in turns to have them over for dinner and we go to them. We’ve always enjoyed their company and likewise they’ve always commented they enjoy seeing us. The last couple of times we’ve hung out we went over to their house both occasions and their DD was there and joined us (for the whole evening not just the meal part) For context, their DD is in her forties and has her own place but often visits her parents on the weekends. The second time we went and the DD was there again I was secretly a bit disappointed, they hadn’t mentioned it beforehand and we were looking forward to spending some time with just them, also we don’t really know their DD and we were polite but the conversation felt a bit awkward and self conscious. Obviously we didn’t make a thing of it as it’s their home and their choice so we thought fair enough. Recently we invited them over for a meal as as we haven’t seen them in a while, partly because we’re overdue hosting them but also I’ve had a lot going on and thought it would be nice to catch up just the two of them. We also invited another mutual friend they haven’t seen in a while who they wanted to catch up with too so would have been five of us at the meal. Anyway the wife of couple has texted (meal is later this week) and said their DD will be with them and has asked if she can join us for the meal at ours. The text was polite but direct and not really phrased as an option to decline (eg didn’t say ‘no problem if not convenient for DD to come along’) We feel awkward and put on the spot as don’t dislike their DD but having an unplanned sixth person feels it would change the dynamic, equally worry if we say no we will offend them. They speak very highly of their DD and are obviously very close as a family. If we had a pre existing connection with the DD or if she was a child/teenager and no childcare options then that’s different, but she’s not and it was clear she wasn’t part of the invitation when we asked them over. We aren’t hugely sociable people and both DH and me aren’t keen on the request but I feel if we were more sociable we’d probably be ok with it - more the merrier type thing. Also we don’t have children so wondering AIBU to find this a bit cheeky and feel miffed?

chattychatchatty · 07/05/2025 12:22

CaptainFuture · 07/05/2025 10:47

The DD HASN'T been invited by the people's whose home it is! Only her parents who have rudely decided they get to do this!

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Yes I know; but to tell her that she can’t come is to uninvite her, even though it was her parents who (inappropriately) gave the invitation. That was my meaning.

CaptainFuture · 07/05/2025 12:20

KimberleyClark · 07/05/2025 12:04

No, they are a mutual friend the OP’s friends expressed a desire to catch up with.

And even if they weren’t the OP can invite who she likes to HER house.

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I know....🤨am saying the ops invited their own friend to their own home?..

Dandelion193 · 07/05/2025 12:17

Blueblell · 07/05/2025 12:12

I disagree with what most here. I often used to join in with parents if they had friends over and I was there. I think they enjoyed my company. It sounds like they come as a package and it would be rude to say no. You have another friend coming so it might work out be a good dynamic. Depends though if you enjoy the DDs company.

It is not rude to say no.
Sounds like you joined when in your own parents home. Did you also go to your parents friends homes? How do you know they enjoyed your company and weren't avoiding certain topics to prevent you feeling uncomfortable
They are not a package deal and if they choose to be treated as such, op is free to not accept the DD as part of the friendship group

I have friends with children, some adult children, some still minors and sometimes I don't mind them tagging along. Other times I am clear I want it to be just us as friends, especially when you want to discuss more personal matters

KimberleyClark · 07/05/2025 12:16

Blueblell · 07/05/2025 12:12

I disagree with what most here. I often used to join in with parents if they had friends over and I was there. I think they enjoyed my company. It sounds like they come as a package and it would be rude to say no. You have another friend coming so it might work out be a good dynamic. Depends though if you enjoy the DDs company.

But would you expect to go with your parents if they were invited to dinner with friends?

Blueblell · 07/05/2025 12:12

I disagree with what most here. I often used to join in with parents if they had friends over and I was there. I think they enjoyed my company. It sounds like they come as a package and it would be rude to say no. You have another friend coming so it might work out be a good dynamic. Depends though if you enjoy the DDs company.

MyDeftDuck · 07/05/2025 12:11

I do find it rather odd that the DD invests so much of her tie with her parents friends…..does she have no friends of her own?

As for the latest invitations you could say you’ve only catered for 5 but I would personally say you’d prefer to have just friend and her OH on this occasion and back that up with no offence intended.

SamPoodle123 · 07/05/2025 12:08

EggnogNoggin · 07/05/2025 09:01

If its becoming an issue I think you need to be brazen but indirect (so no weak catering excuse) Something like:

Hi X, no worries, totally understand you want to spend time with DD so let's reschedule a meal out for all of us on X date instead.

^that gives her the option of interpreting it as their invitation still standing or gives them an out.

I think this is a good option.

Dandelion193 · 07/05/2025 12:05

Hoohaz · 07/05/2025 11:59

It sounds like the daughter might be going through something and is leaning in her parents to get through it. I wouldn't make an issue. It is just as easy to cater for 6 as for 5. Maybe arrange a coffee with just your friend at a later time and check that everything is OK with her and her daughter.

It still costs more, sets the idea in the friends minds that op is happy for DD to join for all social events. OP doesn't want DD there she wants to be able to have conversation with her friends about issues she doesn't want to discuss with strangers, it's not about finding an extra dining room chair

MoodyMargaret11 · 07/05/2025 12:04

OP I think you should be honest and nip this in the bud reply something polite but make it clear the DD there changes the dynamic and you'd rather see them separately. You can also spin it humorously, like "I'm sure she's got better things to do than sit with our bunch of old farts 😂" or something to point her in the way of seeking own friends and hobbies. If they get offended or insistent at this point, you can make a choice on whether to keep the friendship or not.

KimberleyClark · 07/05/2025 12:04

CaptainFuture · 07/05/2025 11:46

And the other person is the ops friend, who THEY invited!!!

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No, they are a mutual friend the OP’s friends expressed a desire to catch up with.

And even if they weren’t the OP can invite who she likes to HER house.

TiggyTomCat · 07/05/2025 12:01

Why don't you just cancel and rearrange for another date midweek rather than at the w/e's when she seems always to be at her parents.

Hoohaz · 07/05/2025 11:59

It sounds like the daughter might be going through something and is leaning in her parents to get through it. I wouldn't make an issue. It is just as easy to cater for 6 as for 5. Maybe arrange a coffee with just your friend at a later time and check that everything is OK with her and her daughter.

nomas · 07/05/2025 11:58

It’s not your job to provide a social life for their dd.

Nip this in the bud now and say you just want it to be the 5 of you. Otherwise you will have to invite their dd to everything.

beachcitygirl · 07/05/2025 11:54

bigknitblanket · 07/05/2025 09:13

I’d go with a combination of the above suggestions…”Hope everything is ok with dd, sounds like she needs you around at the moment - no worries we can reschedule for another time when you two are free” or similar.

This.

CarmellaSopranosKitchen · 07/05/2025 11:54

You've had some good advice above. I'd say we've invited another couple too, so we were planning just to have couples, like a dinner party - lets reschedule a date with you - if your daughter is visiting.

TheReturnOfFeathersMcGraw · 07/05/2025 11:52

If there's an issue with the dd and theyd like her to come along for those reasons then they should quietly communicate that to you, without specifics if necessary. Just to assume she is now part of the group isn't on. I'd go with the combined approach above - ask if everying is ok with the dd and say she obviously needs their support so you'll wait for the 2 of them to be free when she's doing better.

MoodyMargaret11 · 07/05/2025 11:48

Feelingmuchbetter · 07/05/2025 09:36

No, the onus is on the friend to explain why they have suddenly decided to bolt on their child to every social event! It’s really rude to just assume she can come every time.

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Exactly, had this been me and my 40 y/o daughter wanting to join, I'd be at least apologetically explaining why she is so needy. But they haven't which makes it even more weird!
And as others have said, it's looking like she'll be permanently tagging along now, if "allowed".

Goatymum · 07/05/2025 11:48

I would say that you only have rrom for 7 and if they prefer to rearrange a date when their DD is not at home then you'd prefer that.
The scenario is odd that a 40 year old woman wants to have dinner at her parents' friends (assume you are mid 60s-70s) esp if you have no connection to her. Do your friends tell you much about their DD - what is going on with her, my friends pretty much know what is going on w/my DCs (early 20s) so if I bought one along they would know why.

Original poster

sparkling1986 · 07/05/2025 11:46

Dandelion193 · 07/05/2025 11:44

Agreed. People seem to be saying what if the DD is having a rough time, as if OP some how owes them a social life. It's fine not to take in every wafe and stray. Sometimes you just want to see your own friends.
What if OP was having a rough time and wanted to discuss her problems with her nearest and dearest and had random people tagging along, does she owe it to them to keep the conversation light for new company or are they owed the personal information OP wants to share with her friends.
The other person wasn't invited, OP doesn't want them in her house to feed and entertain. That doesn't make her a bad person. She is allowed to have boundaries

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Thanks everyone for the responses - there’s some really great insights on here and it’s definitely given me food for thought.

Dandelion 193 response nailed exactly how I feel - I have been going through a rough time, I had a family bereavement six months ago and it knocked me for six (the friends are aware of this) so feel I’ve lost confidence in a general sense, also it’s the first time I’ve seen our friends since the bereavement and am aware the topic of relative may come up in conversation and wanted to talk about it freely. I feel awkward in front of the DD as she’s a stranger and I am still at the stage where I get very emotional talking about it. on reflection if I get upset though so what. I think the request just put me on the back foot as wasn’t expecting it. There’s been a few comments about how we’ve dined with the DD previously but that wasn’t our choice - she was there when we arrived to our friends home.

DH and I have had some friendship betrayals in the past couple of years and been let down by people we thought were friends so we have lost confidence in social situations and have become a bit cynical and untrusting but I’m aware that’s an us problem and our issue and we need to work on that. I used to be way more outgoing and a more the merrier type but not so much these days.

I did consider maybe that the DD is going through a difficult time and there may be more going on under the surface and also some of the replies have made me reflect and realise perhaps we could be more open minded to socialising with their DD as she might be lonely. Their DD is unmarried and not in a relationship and as a single adult might often be excluded in social situations.

OP posts:

CaptainFuture · 07/05/2025 11:46

Rubyupbeat · 07/05/2025 11:34

I don't think they arr being cheeky. You have dined with her twice before, so they probably think you are happy with her company. I would definitely not say to them to not bring her, especially as there is another person coming too.

And the other person is the ops friend, who THEY invited!!!

Dandelion193 · 07/05/2025 11:44

latetothefisting · 07/05/2025 11:35

Your reply is really rude and arrogant

Someone disagreeing with you does not mean they are "plain stupid"

It is very normal to not want and have to spend money catering for, an uninvited near stranger in your house. The fact she's the dd is a red herring, there are lots of people who might need help. OP might have neighbours/colleagues/local postman who are struggling in some way, but she's not their therapist or local soup kitchen - feeding them and helping them is not her responsibility.

If the parents want their dd around when they are hosting that's on them but it's incredibly rude to bring her along to anyone else's event.

What if the 5th person also decided to bring their grandson along, and then op decided to invite her widowed mother if its open season on invites? Suddenly the group has gone from 5 people in their (assumed) mid sixties who know each other well and have a lot in common to talk about, to a group spanning from 20-90 half of whom have never met before.

There is of course nothing wrong with wider groups/strangers meeting but that is not what OP wants - she's organising a small dinner party between close friends.

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Agreed. People seem to be saying what if the DD is having a rough time, as if OP some how owes them a social life. It's fine not to take in every wafe and stray. Sometimes you just want to see your own friends.
What if OP was having a rough time and wanted to discuss her problems with her nearest and dearest and had random people tagging along, does she owe it to them to keep the conversation light for new company or are they owed the personal information OP wants to share with her friends.
The other person wasn't invited, OP doesn't want them in her house to feed and entertain. That doesn't make her a bad person. She is allowed to have boundaries

Stickortwigs · 07/05/2025 11:40

EggnogNoggin · 07/05/2025 09:01

If its becoming an issue I think you need to be brazen but indirect (so no weak catering excuse) Something like:

Hi X, no worries, totally understand you want to spend time with DD so let's reschedule a meal out for all of us on X date instead.

^that gives her the option of interpreting it as their invitation still standing or gives them an out.

I think this a tactful response.

And I think she’s being more thoughtless than cheeky.

KimberleyClark · 07/05/2025 11:36

Rubyupbeat · 07/05/2025 11:34

I don't think they arr being cheeky. You have dined with her twice before, so they probably think you are happy with her company. I would definitely not say to them to not bring her, especially as there is another person coming too.

Asking to bring someone who hasn’t been invited to a dinner party is always cheeky.

latetothefisting · 07/05/2025 11:35

Horserider5678 · 07/05/2025 09:26

Perhaps the daughter has had some sort of breakdown and they are trying to get her to socialise again. OP just needs to ask if all
is ok with the daughter, but to exclude her is plain stupid!

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Your reply is really rude and arrogant

Someone disagreeing with you does not mean they are "plain stupid"

It is very normal to not want and have to spend money catering for, an uninvited near stranger in your house. The fact she's the dd is a red herring, there are lots of people who might need help. OP might have neighbours/colleagues/local postman who are struggling in some way, but she's not their therapist or local soup kitchen - feeding them and helping them is not her responsibility.

If the parents want their dd around when they are hosting that's on them but it's incredibly rude to bring her along to anyone else's event.

What if the 5th person also decided to bring their grandson along, and then op decided to invite her widowed mother if its open season on invites? Suddenly the group has gone from 5 people in their (assumed) mid sixties who know each other well and have a lot in common to talk about, to a group spanning from 20-90 half of whom have never met before.

There is of course nothing wrong with wider groups/strangers meeting but that is not what OP wants - she's organising a small dinner party between close friends.

Rubyupbeat · 07/05/2025 11:34

I don't think they arr being cheeky. You have dined with her twice before, so they probably think you are happy with her company. I would definitely not say to them to not bring her, especially as there is another person coming too.