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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are our friends being cheeky?

241 replies

sparkling1986 · 07/05/2025 08:36

DH and I are friends with a couple who live locally. We’ve known them a few years, we don’t meet that often but we tend to take it in turns to have them over for dinner and we go to them. We’ve always enjoyed their company and likewise they’ve always commented they enjoy seeing us.

The last couple of times we’ve hung out we went over to their house both occasions and their DD was there and joined us (for the whole evening not just the meal part)

For context, their DD is in her forties and has her own place but often visits her parents on the weekends. The second time we went and the DD was there again I was secretly a bit disappointed, they hadn’t mentioned it beforehand and we were looking forward to spending some time with just them, also we don’t really know their DD and we were polite but the conversation felt a bit awkward and self conscious. Obviously we didn’t make a thing of it as it’s their home and their choice so we thought fair enough.

Recently we invited them over for a meal as as we haven’t seen them in a while, partly because we’re overdue hosting them but also I’ve had a lot going on and thought it would be nice to catch up just the two of them. We also invited another mutual friend they haven’t seen in a while who they wanted to catch up with too so would have been five of us at the meal.

Anyway the wife of couple has texted (meal is later this week) and said their DD will be with them and has asked if she can join us for the meal at ours. The text was polite but direct and not really phrased as an option to decline (eg didn’t say ‘no problem if not convenient for DD to come along’)

We feel awkward and put on the spot as don’t dislike their DD but having an unplanned sixth person feels it would change the dynamic, equally worry if we say no we will offend them. They speak very highly of their DD and are obviously very close as a family.

If we had a pre existing connection with the DD or if she was a child/teenager and no childcare options then that’s different, but she’s not and it was clear she wasn’t part of the invitation when we asked them over. We aren’t hugely sociable people and both DH and me aren’t keen on the request but I feel if we were more sociable we’d probably be ok with it - more the merrier type thing. Also we don’t have children so wondering AIBU to find this a bit cheeky and feel miffed?

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 07/05/2025 13:15

Sorry for your loss, OP. I totally get why you'd want to feel comfortable with your guests so you can relax and talk openly, not be hosting the more superficial '6 is a better number than 5' chit-chat dinner party where any mix is welcome. This kind of post:

what's so hard about having another person join you for dinner? You've met her a few times already, the more often you see her the better you will get to know her.

... completely misses the point of the kind of get-together you're wanting. It's not for 'another person' who you've 'met a few times'. That could be anyone from your neighbour's great aunt to the Avon lady! OP wants a night with her friends not their daughter, and whatever troubles the DD may or may not be having don't eclipse OP's own.

chaosmaker · 07/05/2025 13:14

@sparkling1986 I'd just say to rearrange for a day when they aren't being visited by their daughter.

They'd then have to explain if there are any reasons why she needs to come with them in their opinion.

GRex · 07/05/2025 13:02

It sounds to me like they are extremely worried about their DD. If it were our house, an extra adult would be welcome but I would be asking if everything is ok. You don't need to see her though, so just cancel the evening and say you'll rearrange when they are free by themselves. Do be aware this may end the friendship if they expected you to be welcoming to DD.

Dandelion193 · 07/05/2025 13:00

FiveBarGate · 07/05/2025 12:55

She's not random though is she. She's their friend's daughter and they've socialised with her before.

I probably wouldn't discuss an intimate health problem in front of my friend's husband either.

If they are friends then I don't really see the issue. Or are they more acquaintances you eat out with occasionally?

If my close friend had a reason for wanting to include their adult child id probably just go with it when it's already a mixed group and not a one to one catch up.

Show quote history

OP has said she's going through a rough time and wants to talk to friends, the people who are invited are her friends, the DD is not her friend. She has seen them when she has been round to their house for a meal a couple of times. My friends DS has been to the pub with us a few times, I like him, I know him, but he is not my friend. I wouldn't want to invite him to a meal at my house when I was in need of support of friends, same for the OP. It changes the dynamics, OP doesn't want them there, it is that simple

FiveBarGate · 07/05/2025 13:00

MaggiesShadow · 07/05/2025 12:55

It sort of does matter, yes, because it's not what OP wants in her own home, which is perfectly fine.

Show quote history

I do agree it's odd but if I like people enough to have them in my home id probably also make concessions. They seem to think the OP also has a friendly relationship with the daughter and to point out they don't isn't likely to end well.

lazycats · 07/05/2025 12:56

Blueblell · 07/05/2025 12:12

I disagree with what most here. I often used to join in with parents if they had friends over and I was there. I think they enjoyed my company. It sounds like they come as a package and it would be rude to say no. You have another friend coming so it might work out be a good dynamic. Depends though if you enjoy the DDs company.

Evidently they don’t, particularly, or I doubt they’d have made this thread…

MaggiesShadow · 07/05/2025 12:55

FiveBarGate · 07/05/2025 12:44

Does it really matter? She's an adult, it's not like having a toddler in terms of change in dynamics or meaning you can't discuss certain things.

Six seems a better number than five.

Yes it's a bit odd but if you like them as people, can you really not accommodate it?

It sort of does matter, yes, because it's not what OP wants in her own home, which is perfectly fine.

FiveBarGate · 07/05/2025 12:55

Dandelion193 · 07/05/2025 12:50

Would you like to discuss sensitive topics about a family members health, death, your own health problems, relationship problems or whatever with a random adult child of a friend?
Even if she only wanted to see the wife because she knew her better and didn't like the husband or feel comfortable around him, would you be advising that you have to assume the husband would come if you invited her over for a coffee?
OP is not friends with this adult DD it does change the dynamic

I don't mind my friends adult DS joining us at the pub for a beer every now and then, every time would grate on me and I wouldn't want to discuss certain issues in front of him, not because of his age, but because he is not my friend

Show quote history

She's not random though is she. She's their friend's daughter and they've socialised with her before.

I probably wouldn't discuss an intimate health problem in front of my friend's husband either.

If they are friends then I don't really see the issue. Or are they more acquaintances you eat out with occasionally?

If my close friend had a reason for wanting to include their adult child id probably just go with it when it's already a mixed group and not a one to one catch up.

HarpieDuJour · 07/05/2025 12:52

Do you want to say no, but maybe another time, or is it a case of no, never?

For the first, then maybe just say that you are still feeling a bit fragile after your loss, and would prefer to limit the number. If the second, then you might need to be blunter.

I disagree strongly that it is your job (or your place, really) to inquire about the daughter and any problems she may have. You aren't her parents, and you have your own issues to deal with. If this is a tentative step towards a return to your old social life after a difficult and upsetting time in your lives, then wanting to take small steps with very familiar people is very reasonable.

Agapornis · 07/05/2025 12:52

As a single 38 year old woman with no children/partner - I would NEVER impose on my parents' friends like this (but also my mum wouldn't ask). I suspect she doesn't even know her mother asked this!

Cherrysoup · 07/05/2025 12:52

EggnogNoggin · 07/05/2025 09:01

If its becoming an issue I think you need to be brazen but indirect (so no weak catering excuse) Something like:

Hi X, no worries, totally understand you want to spend time with DD so let's reschedule a meal out for all of us on X date instead.

^that gives her the option of interpreting it as their invitation still standing or gives them an out.

Exactly what I would say, but without the 'all of us' which I interpreted as meaning their dd too!

Someone2025 · 07/05/2025 12:51

Ponoka7 · 07/05/2025 08:43

If she's a real friend, why not ask if everything is ok with her DD? Then take it from there.

Why on earth would you ask that, it just comes across as passive aggressive, you are trying to imply something is wrong with her

Dandelion193 · 07/05/2025 12:50

FiveBarGate · 07/05/2025 12:44

Does it really matter? She's an adult, it's not like having a toddler in terms of change in dynamics or meaning you can't discuss certain things.

Six seems a better number than five.

Yes it's a bit odd but if you like them as people, can you really not accommodate it?

Would you like to discuss sensitive topics about a family members health, death, your own health problems, relationship problems or whatever with a random adult child of a friend?
Even if she only wanted to see the wife because she knew her better and didn't like the husband or feel comfortable around him, would you be advising that you have to assume the husband would come if you invited her over for a coffee?
OP is not friends with this adult DD it does change the dynamic

I don't mind my friends adult DS joining us at the pub for a beer every now and then, every time would grate on me and I wouldn't want to discuss certain issues in front of him, not because of his age, but because he is not my friend

FiveBarGate · 07/05/2025 12:44

Does it really matter? She's an adult, it's not like having a toddler in terms of change in dynamics or meaning you can't discuss certain things.

Six seems a better number than five.

Yes it's a bit odd but if you like them as people, can you really not accommodate it?

HarryVanderspeigle · 07/05/2025 12:43

I think it's fine for them to ask and fine for you to decline. Just say it's a meet up for friends only.

WhiteRosesAndCandles · 07/05/2025 12:43

I would use other responses provided here. I would re-arranged just the four of you.

I would also have a conversation with your friend. I think it's ok to not want to socialise with your friend's adult daughter.

My lovely sister is a more the merrier, I'm less is more. I'm over the random people being invited to events. We arrived for a family game night to a full blown party at Christmas.

The older I get, the more precious I am about my free time. It's not just about what we are doing, who with is key. If anything changes, I decide if I want to go or not.

I haven't got time for my friends, I cannot be arsed with other people's. I fine and polite, I'm not making those arrangements.

Hdjdb42 · 07/05/2025 12:37

I'd say, "sorry numbers are filled, as I've invitation other guests. We could reschedule if you like?" They'd probably reply no that's fine. If they accept a rescheduled dinner, then I'd leave it a few months before inviting them for a relaxed bbq/buffet.

CaptainFuture · 07/05/2025 12:36

I honestly don't understand the multitude posters who have the viewpoint of 'you have to do as they demand/decide what's to happen or your friendship will be damaged'..
For me, that's not an equal friendship, that's a serious power inbalance.

chattychatchatty · 07/05/2025 12:33

It might well be simply that the friends really like the dynamic of DD being there at all the get togethers; it seems like that’s their preference or they wouldn’t have asked if she could come (in an assuming way). To say no, it’s not OK if she comes, is good for the OP in terms of setting boundaries and expectations going forward but surely risks damaging the friendship? Without knowing more about why DD might be being included it’s hard to call.

Embarrassinglyuseless · 07/05/2025 12:31

Are your friends my in laws…?!

My SIL - in her forties - eats with her parents every night even though she has her own property close by. All three of them have genuinely lost sight of what’s normal becuase they’re so enmeshed…

I’d send a message saying ‘I do hope she’s ok - let’s rearranged for another time, I’d like to have a proper catch up with you guys and friend this time - why don’t you send me some good dates?’

WomenInSTEM · 07/05/2025 12:26

bigknitblanket · 07/05/2025 09:13

I’d go with a combination of the above suggestions…”Hope everything is ok with dd, sounds like she needs you around at the moment - no worries we can reschedule for another time when you two are free” or similar.

I like this reply.

timetotwist · 07/05/2025 12:24

we’ve dined with the DD previously but that wasn’t our choice - she was there when we arrived to our friends home.
Exactly! Your home, your dinner party = your choice as to who comes. In their home you had no control over that but whenever someone new is put into the mix the others should be given the heads up.

Their DD is unmarried and not in a relationship and as a single adult might often be excluded in social situations.
Or maybe she's not. Why don't you ask your friends about it?
It doesn't sound like you're in a good place right now and would prefer the company of friends you're comfortable with not a near stranger. Now is not the time to be accommodating their DD. You might get to know her better in another context like a meal out, not your own home or at least not now. Hopefully your friends will understand.

CaptainFuture · 07/05/2025 12:24

chattychatchatty · 07/05/2025 12:22

Yes I know; but to tell her that she can’t come is to uninvite her, even though it was her parents who (inappropriately) gave the invitation. That was my meaning.

Show quote history

But if op hasn't agreed to her coming.. there's no invite?

Wexone · 07/05/2025 12:24

EggnogNoggin · 07/05/2025 09:01

If its becoming an issue I think you need to be brazen but indirect (so no weak catering excuse) Something like:

Hi X, no worries, totally understand you want to spend time with DD so let's reschedule a meal out for all of us on X date instead.

^that gives her the option of interpreting it as their invitation still standing or gives them an out.

Oh i like this - must use it
I agree Op i have friends and also my in laws constantly doing it - they have to bring at least one child with them - not a baby or toddler, late teenagers or early 20's age group, changes the dynamic completely

CaptainFuture · 07/05/2025 12:22

Blueblell · 07/05/2025 12:12

I disagree with what most here. I often used to join in with parents if they had friends over and I was there. I think they enjoyed my company. It sounds like they come as a package and it would be rude to say no. You have another friend coming so it might work out be a good dynamic. Depends though if you enjoy the DDs company.

Finally a view point of the child who's often mentioned in 'Aibu To be annoyed my friend takes her child to EVERYTHING and expects them to dominate the conversation and everything to revolve around them?' 😆

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