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Original poster

To think 'not conventionally attractive' means ugly?

142 replies

Teapotters · 07/05/2025 08:17

I've been described as 'not conventionally attractive' at least twice in my life (probably many more times!).

Once by a partner and once by my MIL (before she was my MIL).

Neither relationship were /are negative and I don't believe either we're trying to be mean, just factual.

FWIW I do consider myself ugly, however I have some features that in isolation can be seen as attractive. The combination on my face however does not work pleasingly and I do not look at photographs of myself.

Has anybody ever said this, or thought it, about somebody in any way other than a 'polite' way to just mean ugly?

OP posts:
CalamityGanon · 07/05/2025 17:06

DustyMaiden · 07/05/2025 08:19

I take it to mean there is something very attractive about someone but they are not stereotypical what we think of as attractive,

Exactly. I think Andi Oliver is incredibly attractive but certainly not conventionally so. In fact a lot of people who would be considered stereotypically attractive I find a bit bland and frankly ‘meh’.

Someone2025 · 07/05/2025 16:51

Teapotters · 07/05/2025 16:38

Ex-partner said it in response to a throwaway comment I had made about myself being ugly or looking bad, I can't quite remember. I'll admit I did express hurt at the time, but this caused the partner to double-down defensively and it was never explained.

MIL didn't say it to my face, I was sharing the above story with my current partner who responded 'oh weird, my mum said the same thing' or similar.

I still feel it could mean while someone is not conventionally attractive, they may be conventionally unattractive! However as nobody else has said this it may just be me.

I have experienced being directly called ugly plenty in my formative years so it wouldn't be unusual!

Show quote history

I honestly think as long as someone has kind eyes they never look ugly

I have seen what people consider to be ‘conventionally attractive’ looking people look very ugly because of a certain mean / bitchy look in their eyes and faces

Wacqui · 07/05/2025 16:45

Teapotters · 07/05/2025 16:38

Ex-partner said it in response to a throwaway comment I had made about myself being ugly or looking bad, I can't quite remember. I'll admit I did express hurt at the time, but this caused the partner to double-down defensively and it was never explained.

MIL didn't say it to my face, I was sharing the above story with my current partner who responded 'oh weird, my mum said the same thing' or similar.

I still feel it could mean while someone is not conventionally attractive, they may be conventionally unattractive! However as nobody else has said this it may just be me.

I have experienced being directly called ugly plenty in my formative years so it wouldn't be unusual!

Show quote history

I also got a lot of that growing up. I understand how stressful it is. You can't exactly change your face, can you?

But straight away from your posts you made me think of a couple of friends of mine. There's just something electric about them, even though I suppose taken individually you wouldn't have those features on a Barbie or something.

I think it's a really good thing to be such a magnet for people with such looks. It's like a beautiful and interesting painting that catches you. Definitely not a bad thing.

Like PPs said Adam Driver. I could look at him for ages. He's very attractive.

Prettydress · 07/05/2025 16:43

Weirdly, may be because they find you attractive, they feel comfortable enough to say what they said.

I grew up feeling very insecure about certain body parts of mine, but weirdly those that my children have inherited, I absolutely love and it's made me look at myself in a different way.

Original poster
Teapotters · 07/05/2025 16:38

trappedCatAsleepOnMe · 07/05/2025 11:57

I suppose it is down to you to realise their meaning by the way it was delivered. (Bloody rude to say to a person either way)

I can't image a conversation where this would be said directly to someone's face TBH - in same room as an aside to someone else or behind someone back possibly when talking about them and it getting back to OP is easier to see how that would happen.

If it did come out to someone face I image person saying it would be putting it in context rapidly - that it wasn't an insult.

Ex-partner said it in response to a throwaway comment I had made about myself being ugly or looking bad, I can't quite remember. I'll admit I did express hurt at the time, but this caused the partner to double-down defensively and it was never explained.

MIL didn't say it to my face, I was sharing the above story with my current partner who responded 'oh weird, my mum said the same thing' or similar.

I still feel it could mean while someone is not conventionally attractive, they may be conventionally unattractive! However as nobody else has said this it may just be me.

I have experienced being directly called ugly plenty in my formative years so it wouldn't be unusual!

OP posts:
Someone2025 · 07/05/2025 16:36

kiwiane · 07/05/2025 14:42

No it doesn’t mean ugly at all to me - it implies that they are attractive but with an interesting face.

Agree with this

Doone22 · 07/05/2025 16:31

It definitely doesn't mean ugly. It's a proper compliment but an honest one.

Greeksauce · 07/05/2025 16:26

My DP is not conventionally attractive in that he's short and bald and just ordinary looking, but when he smiles at you...

Original poster
Teapotters · 07/05/2025 16:26

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 07/05/2025 11:23

I would be extremely offended if someone said I was not conventionally attractive. Who the fuck says that to their partner or daughter in law? Why does anyone need to say this? Nasty and rude. They ARE saying you're not attractive. Maybe not 'ugly' but not attractive. I'd love to see what THEY look like! Hmm

Was the mother in law who said it, the mother of the partner who said it @Teapotters ?

Current mother in law who is very 'blunt' to say the least!

However she has also described newborn as the most beautiful baby, I appreciate that this is her honest opinion!

These replies are very interesting. I understand the examples of those who are beautiful/attractive in a less conventional way, however this certainly doesn't apply to me!! But I think maybe whilst they weren't saying ik attractive they weren't calling me ugly either, just unusually-featured and not sure how to say it. I think they were missing the phrase.

Funnily my (also fairly blunt) mother referred to my 'plain' period of the ages 12-18ish, but only at the point where she decided I'd 'grown into' my looks. I'd rather receive no comments than these tbh!

I put no value in my own looks, as much as I'd like to be good-looking I genuinely do not care that I am not. I have a wonderful family and life and value my fortune in that area over anything else.

It was just the comments I'm getting about my (beautiful) baby that gave me a slight fear for him.

OP posts:
Emmz1510 · 07/05/2025 16:24

THEMUTINEER · 07/05/2025 10:40

I think Adam Driver has a certain something😃

He definitely does! Previous poster is talking garbage

Gettingbysomehow · 07/05/2025 16:18

No it doesn't there are loads of striking models that are not "conventionally attractive" and they get loads of work.

Emmz1510 · 07/05/2025 16:16

No I don’t think it necessarily means ugly. The term ‘attractive’ encompasses a lot more than what might be considered conventional good looks. Some people are probably considered conventionally nice looking but I don’t consider them attractive.
It’s all very personal of course what each person finds attractive but take someone like Adam Driver. His face might be considered a bit weird, he has a huge nose and slightly odd proportions but I find him really attractive! He has a nice smile, presence, a sexy voice and he’s very charismatic and intelligent looking. I’m sure you can think of people you find attractive but have imperfections, or people who seem perfect but leave you cold.
So no, it definitely doesn’t mean ugly.

kiwiane · 07/05/2025 14:42

No it doesn’t mean ugly at all to me - it implies that they are attractive but with an interesting face.

Wacqui · 07/05/2025 14:40

We were discussing something similar at a party this weekend.

The conversation was how beauty doesn't always equate to attractiveness and sexiness. So you have some people who are clearly beautiful. But they're not at all hot. Then others who have something interesting and cool about them, not with your traditional neat little doll face, but who everyone in the room turns to look at because they're just sexy as all hell.

Howspieduh · 07/05/2025 14:36

No, I'd say it means average, not ugly.

Waterweight · 07/05/2025 14:33

I take it to means "somebody who attracts people, who's looks are not off-putting if unattractive"

Quadrangle · 07/05/2025 13:19

Wanderdust · 07/05/2025 12:33

I don't think it automatically equates to ugly but I would 100% find this offensive and I would never say this to someone! Simply because it can be taken the wrong way. I'm always offended when someone tells me I look tired, that does equate to "you look like shit" in my books 🤣

Edited

I agree. I wouldn't say it to someone.

Someone2025 · 07/05/2025 13:04

HangingOver · 07/05/2025 08:20

I always thought this phrase had an implied ellipsis...

Like "not conventionally attractive (but none the less attractive)".

Multiple people use this phrase about my neighbour who is extremely hot

A lot of people aren’t conventionally attractive but at the same time attractive

Barbara Streisand
Sarah Jessica Parker
Jay Leno
Tilda Swinton

Gahdammit · 07/05/2025 12:55

I don't think that at all.

I think it means that there is "something" that makes that person attractive even though they may not look like Angelina Jolie.

For instance, I wouldn't say that Pedro Pascal is ugly but I wouldn't say he was stunning either but plenty of people fancy him. Same with Peaky Blinders guy.

There are plenty of people who look "conventionally attractive" but just aren't fanciable for whatever reason. For instance Timothe Chalanet is pretty but I wouldn't say he was fanciable.

So no, I don't think "not conventionally attractive" automatically means ugly.

Offwegotomarket · 07/05/2025 12:46

DilemmaDelilah · 07/05/2025 11:09

Benedict Cumberbatch. In no way conventionally attractive - his eyes are too close together for one thing.... But I think he's GORGEOUS! It's not a bad thing at all.

I think you’re confusing deep set for close set, lots of people do it about Lana del rey too.

RedWhite · 07/05/2025 12:46

IcyPlumOtter · 07/05/2025 12:17

There's an old quote: There is no beauty that does not have some strangeness to it.

Strangeness is what separates beauty from prettiness, and makes it memorable. 'Pretty' doesn't require strangeness, so it's a bit bland. How many pretty TV actors are there with nice even features who are entirely forgettable compared to 'unconventionally attractive' features of the gorgeous Anna Taylor Joy or the stunning Cate Blanchett?

People described as 'Unconventionally attractive' are rarely called pretty or handsome, but often called stunning, striking or beautiful. And attractive is in the term!

Remember, you are the most beautiful person in the world to your baby 😄

edit for clarity.

Edited

I totally agree with the first part of your post in that pretty women often look the same. If you open a magazine there are numerous women that a pleasant to look at but no way memorable. Someone who is unconventionally attractive will be more memorable.

I don’t agree however that people who are unconventionally attractive are often called stunning or beautiful, because those two words generally describe the ‘epitome of perfection’ (in the eyes of the beholder) and reserved for what we find the most attractive

flyinghen · 07/05/2025 12:40

I’d think it meant they don’t think you are movie star symmetrical typically attractive but attractive in a different unique way

SquashedMallow · 07/05/2025 12:38

I think it means attractive but not 'beauty industry standards attractive ' to be fair, a lot of models I think are ugly (not a nice word I know ) almost alien looking or just very very odd looking. But they tick all the right 'beauty standards' boxes (square or angular jaw line. Wide apart eyes , small noses, identical symmetry of eyes/nose/ears/mouth. Good evening teeth. Thin, tall, 'boyish' figure.

There's some men who I find hot hot hot ! Who wouldn't be considered "conventionally attractive" (Martin freeman, David Mitchell) you fall in love with "them" then the physical features are adorable because it's "them". I don't ever look at a beautiful man and fancy them. I don't work like that.

So anyway, I'd take it as a compliment (albeit backhanded delivery!)

RedWhite · 07/05/2025 12:37

BlueCase · 07/05/2025 08:24

It can be a compliment. It was used about the model Erin O’Connor in her younger days. She was not ‘pretty’ as such, but stunning in an ‘angular’ sort of way, with a great rebellious streak to boot. Def not an insult.

I was thinking of her too. Also Uma Thurman springs to mind.

CuttedPearPie · 07/05/2025 12:37

It's people who are rock star attractive, not movie star attractive