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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was neighbour BU?

207 replies

BarbarellaC · 06/05/2025 23:51

Will try and make it quick. I have a 10 (ish) month old cat. He has only started going out in the garden in the past few weeks since the weather has been warm.

We have a fairly secure garden and, up to now, he has generally stayed in the garden but has wondered out once or twice (sometimes he just climbs the trees in our garden so we can't always see him), but always come back when we call him or rattle his biscuits. We live near a main road so I'm not keen on him venturing too far beyond our garden.

He has a new tractive tracker but hates wearing it so DH took it off him last night and I didn't have time to chase him t9 put it back on before I went to work. So he didn't have it on today. I let him out at just after 8pm when it was still light and, when I came downstairs again, the cat was nowhere to be seen. Called him, rattled biscuits, nothing. By then I was worried because he had never taken so long to come back.

So I went out to look for him and did a couple of rounds at the back and front of our house. Then knocked on our nice neighbour's door and he kindly said he would look in his garden. Knocked on the other neighbour's door (youngish couple, no kids) and, despite their lights being on, they didn't answer the door. It was obviously me as they have a sensor light so I lit up like Blackpool tower while standing on their doorstep. No answer still.

By the time I walked back around the block, DH called to say the cat had emerged. He had jumped over the second neighbour's fence. So, he was in their garden and had they been kind enough to look, they would have spotted him.

Anyway, all fine in the end. Cat is OK and won't be going out without his tracker again. I can't stop him from jumping over the high fence and going into the neighbour's garden though.

But, my AIBU is whether I am wrong to think the neighbour was being unreasonable in not opening the door to someone who is obviously a neighbour and likely in need of help / a favour?

The men never talk to us but, if a neighbour knocked on my door at 8.30pm, I would answer it because it seems like the kind and neighbourly thing to do.

OP posts:
TemporaryCatSlave · 07/05/2025 11:02

BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 09:44

Honestly, I didn't realise it was so common for people not to answer their door! I've learnt that I was wrong to think that.

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It really isn't that common IRL, you've attracted the "My home is my castle, I triple lock my doors at 6pm, pull up the drawbridge, tell anyone after that to fuck off and require 6 weeks notice of any visit" crowd. I genuinely don't know anyone that is so weird about a simple door knock in the evening (or at any day/ time) other than on MN! Especially when the daylight hours are longer like now. I'm also in London, you'd think it would be more unfriendly being a big city but that's not my experience. And I'd be like you re worrying about a missing cat, it's not about how long they've been gone for, it's about if that is normal for that cat. I think you've been very patient with the rude ones & gracious in accepting some people have very different views on neighbourliness,.

Anyway, re the cat. I do recommend the cat proofing of your garden for peace of mind. Or a large catio - you can get ones that attach to the house or mobile ones that can be moved around the garden. Moine is currently an indoor cat and once I do have a garden again it will definitely get cat proofed as I cannot face a cat getting run over on the road ever again.

Are you on the Litter Tray threads? Come share your cat with nice cat people over there!

Livpool · 07/05/2025 10:55

it not too late to knock but you don’t know what they were doing. Maybe they weren’t in the position to jump up and answer the door. You didn’t really need to go around knocking anyway - it was OTT as the cat came back of their own accord

Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 10:48

CuttedPearPie · 07/05/2025 10:37

Don't put a tracker on your Cat it's cruel and dangerous

Really? How is it dangerous? I bought it recently because I saw it recommended by lots of people on this site!

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 10:47

CwmYoy · 07/05/2025 10:33

You really cannot be rude enough to disturb your neighbours to ask them to look for a cat.

What made you think it was ok?

Naivety I guess. My DH says I expect others to respond the way I do, and that is certainly evident from this example.

OP posts:
CuttedPearPie · 07/05/2025 10:37

Don't put a tracker on your Cat it's cruel and dangerous

ConnieHeart · 07/05/2025 10:34

If you're going to let your cat out you'll need to loosen the reins a bit. Our young cat pops in literally once a day for a snooze & is then back out again, usually all night, particularly in this weather. (I do think someone else is feeding her as she doesn't even eat when she comes back.) She even disappears for a few days at a time sometimes but she tends to head for the same place so I'm not worried any more

CwmYoy · 07/05/2025 10:33

You really cannot be rude enough to disturb your neighbours to ask them to look for a cat.

What made you think it was ok?

IfYouPutASausageInItItsNotAViennetta · 07/05/2025 10:20

8:30pm is getting a bit late; but it isn't just the time of day that's a factor.

Even if it were the middle of the day, some areas get so many people coming to the door, unexpected and uninvited - wanting to sell you something (sometimes aggressively), wanting you to sign up for a direct debit for charity, change your energy/broadband company, political canvassers, scam you, talk about religion, busybodies wanting to bother and engage you about whatever topic they are passionate about...

I don't even bother answering my phone to an unknown number anymore, as the vast majority are scammers and time wasters; the odd one that isn't can easily leave a message. You can always just hang up a phone; but if you have a determined person on your doorstep, they can be much harder to get rid of.

Menobaby79 · 07/05/2025 10:12

Keep him in as a house cat? My mum had a very expensive cat which was allowed outside.
The cat had a tracker on him and he was tempted with a packet of cat food and stolen. Empty Whiskas packet found on ground nearby and tracker found in nearby public bin.
Cat has never been seen again despite being chipped. My Mum's other cats are now not allowed out.

Itisjustmyopinion · 07/05/2025 09:55

I am London too and think 8.30 is late to answer the door if not expecting someone

In fact last night around that time I went through to make dinner and noticed my security light was on (only triggered when someone is standing at my door). Didn’t hear a knock and my bell is always switched off as I WFH. Maybe someone did knock but I wouldn’t have answered anyway, fed up answering to Deliveroo drivers who have come to the wrong house

Saz12 · 07/05/2025 09:46

I'd answer my door at that time, especially if it was a neighbour - I'd assume they'd gone to the nearest house for help.

I'm not sure a cat being out for a couple hours counts as important enough to bother neighbours. Different if missing for a while. But I'd not be put out if I were them.

Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 09:44

Calmdownpeople · 07/05/2025 09:41

Come one. People aren’t beholden to you to answer their own door. What are you actually on about? You weren’t yelling and screaming that you needed help so don’t put it on then they didn’t answer a neighbour in need. You could have been anyone - door seller, Amazon, kids etc. They aren’t legally or morally obliged to open their own door. And only one of them may have been home and in the shower and not heard.

Your over reaction to your cat isn’t their problem. Cats go out and get up to all sorts. You need to understand that.

Honestly, I didn't realise it was so common for people not to answer their door! I've learnt that I was wrong to think that.

OP posts:
Calmdownpeople · 07/05/2025 09:41

Come one. People aren’t beholden to you to answer their own door. What are you actually on about? You weren’t yelling and screaming that you needed help so don’t put it on then they didn’t answer a neighbour in need. You could have been anyone - door seller, Amazon, kids etc. They aren’t legally or morally obliged to open their own door. And only one of them may have been home and in the shower and not heard.

Your over reaction to your cat isn’t their problem. Cats go out and get up to all sorts. You need to understand that.

Tessasanderson · 07/05/2025 09:36

I voted YABU. Of course i would open the door at 8.30pm, no problem. However as soon as you asked me to check my garden for a cat i would look at you like you were an alien

TheAmusedQuail · 07/05/2025 09:31

I both agree and disagree with you.

I have a house cat and if he escapes (which he does periodically) I'm beside myself. He's an idiot and wouldn't have an ounce of street smarts about him and despite having escaped a few times and having lived here his whole life, doubt he'd be able to find his own way home. So I understand the worry.

But no, I wouldn't answer the door at 8.30pm. I frequently don't answer the door during the day either. It isn't mandatory. Apologies if that makes me sound anti social (I am) but it's the truth.

CluelessStyle · 07/05/2025 09:31

BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 09:24

Fair enough, I misjudged it. But is extreme to start a post on whether I had unreasonable expectations of neighbours? People start posts on here about all kinds of trivial matters, I didn't think there was a threshold.

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I do think it is an extreme reaction to start a thread on mumsnet because a neighbour couldn't come to the door at 8.30 pm.
And judging by the votes 95% of people think you are being unreasonable.
But if this thread has helped you to see other people's perspectives, and it seems like it has, then there has been a benefit so maybe it was worthwhile for you.
And you do seem like a kind, caring cat owner.

Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 09:26

AutumnLeaves91 · 07/05/2025 09:20

YABU. I wouldn’t have answered. If I’m not expecting anyone or anything, I don’t usually open the door, it’s their right to ignore you IMO.

100% their right to ignore me. Agree.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 09:25

B1anche · 07/05/2025 09:16

I'd say it's late for unexpected visitors. I'd usually be making/eating dinner at that time.

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And I think this is what I misjudged. I wouldn't mind opening the door quickly for a neighbour, but I get that not everyone agrees.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 09:24

CluelessStyle · 07/05/2025 09:21

I do think yabu.
Because they had the light on does not mean they were home, maybe only one was home, maybe they were in the shower, exercising, sleeping, talking on the phone, in the garden, headphones in, poorly, or just relaxing in their sloppy clothes and not expecting anybody so didn't answer.
Why do you think they knew it was you? Did you see them looking out of the window?

8.30 is a little late for a lot of people. I would have answered the door but would have been secretly annoyed if you had disturbed me from watching a good tv show, talking on the phone, showering etc to ask me to look for your cat ( especially after it being out for such a short time).

I think the tone of your post calling the neighbour who answered the door "nice" and implying that the neighbous who didn't are "not nice" and "unneighbourly" is a bit unkind. Creating this thread in the first place is a bit of an extreme reaction to the situation.

People are different. I would think it a bit "unneighbourly" for someone to ring my doorbell ar 8.30 asking me to look for their cat.

Fair enough, I misjudged it. But is extreme to start a post on whether I had unreasonable expectations of neighbours? People start posts on here about all kinds of trivial matters, I didn't think there was a threshold.

OP posts:
CluelessStyle · 07/05/2025 09:21

I do think yabu.
Because they had the light on does not mean they were home, maybe only one was home, maybe they were in the shower, exercising, sleeping, talking on the phone, in the garden, headphones in, poorly, or just relaxing in their sloppy clothes and not expecting anybody so didn't answer.
Why do you think they knew it was you? Did you see them looking out of the window?

8.30 is a little late for a lot of people. I would have answered the door but would have been secretly annoyed if you had disturbed me from watching a good tv show, talking on the phone, showering etc to ask me to look for your cat ( especially after it being out for such a short time).

I think the tone of your post calling the neighbour who answered the door "nice" and implying that the neighbous who didn't are "not nice" and "unneighbourly" is a bit unkind. Creating this thread in the first place is a bit of an extreme reaction to the situation.

People are different. I would think it a bit "unneighbourly" for someone to ring my doorbell ar 8.30 asking me to look for their cat.

AutumnLeaves91 · 07/05/2025 09:20

YABU. I wouldn’t have answered. If I’m not expecting anyone or anything, I don’t usually open the door, it’s their right to ignore you IMO.

B1anche · 07/05/2025 09:16

FedupofArsenalgame · 07/05/2025 08:56

Is 8pm late?

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I'd say it's late for unexpected visitors. I'd usually be making/eating dinner at that time.

FedupofArsenalgame · 07/05/2025 09:01

Shitmonger · 07/05/2025 01:01

A catio is an enclosed patio for cats so they can go out and stay safe/not contribute to decimating bird populations.

You can also cat-proof your fencing to keep them just in your garden. There’s netting as well as rollers that prevent them from going over. The rollers seem like a really good option. I’d intended to have them installed when I moved abroad (too many predators here for cats to go out) but ended up taking on a cat with a fused joint that doesn’t climb fences and is easily contained. Grin

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They look interesting but can't the cat just get over the neighbours side seeing as it's considered a no no to put anything on their fence.

CluelessStyle · 07/05/2025 09:00

Plum02 · 07/05/2025 03:02

You sound very entitled OP. YNBU to knock on their door but YABVU to suggest they’re unkind for not being able to come to the door and that you’re somehow a better person because “you’d answer even if it was for a cup of a sugar”. If you hadn’t knocked at a bad time I’m sure they’d give you a cup of sugar too.

It’s fine for you to knock but you’re not entitled to their time and it’s absolutely fine for them to answer or not - it’s their home. You have no idea if they looked outside to see who was knocking or not and you have no idea why they didn’t answer - as others have said they could have been having sex, just come out of the shower, had headphones in and not heard, mid-way through cooking or eating dinner, on a video call, working, just received some bad news or going through a bereavement, had fallen asleep on the sofa, had food poisoning or otherwise unwell… just accept that the time you knocked wasn’t a good time for them and that has absolutely nothing to do with “kindness”.

The world doesn’t revolve around you and people are allowed to have other things going on and not be available to you 24/7 without that making them unkind or unneighbourly. What is unkind is assuming the worst of people and making negative judgements based on something as meaningless as being unable to come to the door one time when you knocked instead of doing the normal thing and thinking “must be a bad time, hope I didn’t disturb them” and moving on with your life.

This

Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 08:56

GingerPaste · 07/05/2025 08:54

I had this with a neighbour with a young cat that hadn’t come home and seemed to be constantly up my tree, miaowing. Neighbour knocked on my door several times resulting in a lot of time and all sorts of shenanigans trying to get the cat down. Totally bloody annoying and disruptive to my free time.

Yes, you were being unreasonable and you do sound overreactive and entitled.

Fair enough

OP posts:
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