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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was neighbour BU?

207 replies

BarbarellaC · 06/05/2025 23:51

Will try and make it quick. I have a 10 (ish) month old cat. He has only started going out in the garden in the past few weeks since the weather has been warm.

We have a fairly secure garden and, up to now, he has generally stayed in the garden but has wondered out once or twice (sometimes he just climbs the trees in our garden so we can't always see him), but always come back when we call him or rattle his biscuits. We live near a main road so I'm not keen on him venturing too far beyond our garden.

He has a new tractive tracker but hates wearing it so DH took it off him last night and I didn't have time to chase him t9 put it back on before I went to work. So he didn't have it on today. I let him out at just after 8pm when it was still light and, when I came downstairs again, the cat was nowhere to be seen. Called him, rattled biscuits, nothing. By then I was worried because he had never taken so long to come back.

So I went out to look for him and did a couple of rounds at the back and front of our house. Then knocked on our nice neighbour's door and he kindly said he would look in his garden. Knocked on the other neighbour's door (youngish couple, no kids) and, despite their lights being on, they didn't answer the door. It was obviously me as they have a sensor light so I lit up like Blackpool tower while standing on their doorstep. No answer still.

By the time I walked back around the block, DH called to say the cat had emerged. He had jumped over the second neighbour's fence. So, he was in their garden and had they been kind enough to look, they would have spotted him.

Anyway, all fine in the end. Cat is OK and won't be going out without his tracker again. I can't stop him from jumping over the high fence and going into the neighbour's garden though.

But, my AIBU is whether I am wrong to think the neighbour was being unreasonable in not opening the door to someone who is obviously a neighbour and likely in need of help / a favour?

The men never talk to us but, if a neighbour knocked on my door at 8.30pm, I would answer it because it seems like the kind and neighbourly thing to do.

OP posts:
Lighteningstrikes · 07/05/2025 17:29

Of course you were not being unreasonable.
8:30pm isn’t late and it’s daylight.

Naught as strange as folk as they say.

Numberfish · 07/05/2025 17:29

Oh come on OP, you’re being passive aggressive here. God forbid perfectly pleasant people don’t live the same way you do. Just spitballing here, is it an empty nest sort of reaction maybe? No one but the cat to care for/control? Might help you react more calmly to it and not antagonise your neighbours if you identify any issues?

Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 17:28

Blackbird84 · 07/05/2025 17:26

You being overly anxious about a cat that you’ve let out without a tracker, is not their responsibility. If you’d knocked on my door and I’d known why, I wouldn’t have bothered to answer it either.

Fair enough! That's not what I would do, but looks like I'm in the minority, so I've agreed that IABU.

OP posts:
Blackbird84 · 07/05/2025 17:26

You being overly anxious about a cat that you’ve let out without a tracker, is not their responsibility. If you’d knocked on my door and I’d known why, I wouldn’t have bothered to answer it either.

Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 17:23

AlmostSummer25 · 07/05/2025 17:18

What? Why?

what sort of a person are you,that objects to looking in your garden to see if the neighbours missing cat is there????

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This was my reaction too, but it seems like the consensus is, no one is obliged to open their door, 8.30 is late, and asking someone to have a quick look in their garden for a missing cat will justifiably result in you being told to "fuck off".

This is all new to me!

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 17:20

tigger1001 · 07/05/2025 17:08

Jesus. They just didn't answer the door! For reasons known to them. Personal values 😂😂😂

and you did very much suggest they were rude, otherwise what's the point of your aibu?

you are lucky - truthfully when I see a cat in my garden it gets soaked with the hose.

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It is very much a value judgement in deciding whether or not to answer the door. Nothing wrong with not answering it, clearly. But it is about values.

You could just shoo a cat away, you don't need to get the hose out. You sound delightful though.

OP posts:
AlmostSummer25 · 07/05/2025 17:18

Offleyhoo · 07/05/2025 00:09

I think yabvu as you don't know what they were doing, plus, asking a neighbour to look for your cat is not reasonable in any case unless you believe it to be injured or sick, especially not at that time of the evening.

What? Why?

what sort of a person are you,that objects to looking in your garden to see if the neighbours missing cat is there????

AlmostSummer25 · 07/05/2025 17:16

B1anche · 07/05/2025 00:03

I wouldn't have answered the door that late. They were probably relaxing and didn't want to get up. Sounds like it wasn't exactly an emergency in any case.

that late

it was 8.30.

tigger1001 · 07/05/2025 17:08

BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 11:51

I didn't say they were being rude.

I accept entirely that there are differences in culture and personal values at play here. That's really clear from the responses. I accept IABU for not realising that in the first place.

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Jesus. They just didn't answer the door! For reasons known to them. Personal values 😂😂😂

and you did very much suggest they were rude, otherwise what's the point of your aibu?

you are lucky - truthfully when I see a cat in my garden it gets soaked with the hose.

FedupofArsenalgame · 07/05/2025 15:23

B1anche · 07/05/2025 09:16

I'd say it's late for unexpected visitors. I'd usually be making/eating dinner at that time.

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See I'm at work until 10 ish and eating dinner after that lol

Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 14:58

mondaytosunday · 07/05/2025 14:45

How do you know they were in? I leave a light on when I’m not in. Or they could have been in the back cooking/wstching TV/having sex/taking a shower or just didn’t want to answer the door! They also would have no idea what you wanted nor be able to identify you through a closed door.

Could see movements in their front window. I wasn't peering! Just walked past on way to the gate, so was obvious.

Doesn't matter either way though. I understand they are not obliged to open the door for anyone.

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 07/05/2025 14:45

How do you know they were in? I leave a light on when I’m not in. Or they could have been in the back cooking/wstching TV/having sex/taking a shower or just didn’t want to answer the door! They also would have no idea what you wanted nor be able to identify you through a closed door.

CluelessStyle · 07/05/2025 14:27

Plum02 · 07/05/2025 14:06

Why are you making it about personal values? There is nothing personal about it at all. They were busy, you knocked at a bad time. Why are you making it about you? Why are projecting assumptions onto them that they were deliberately ignoring you, didn’t want to help and were being unneighbourly because they weren’t free at that exact moment?

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Exactly!

Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 14:21

MargaretThursday · 07/05/2025 14:12

8.30pm last night I was in the bath, ds was working at a timed A-levels paper, dh was at a committee meeting (not at home)

So none of us would have answered.

Fair enough

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 14:20

Plum02 · 07/05/2025 14:06

Why are you making it about personal values? There is nothing personal about it at all. They were busy, you knocked at a bad time. Why are you making it about you? Why are projecting assumptions onto them that they were deliberately ignoring you, didn’t want to help and were being unneighbourly because they weren’t free at that exact moment?

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I meant more generally about not answering the door. That is a personal choice and about the values you apportion to other people.

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 07/05/2025 14:12

8.30pm last night I was in the bath, ds was working at a timed A-levels paper, dh was at a committee meeting (not at home)

So none of us would have answered.

Plum02 · 07/05/2025 14:06

BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 11:51

I didn't say they were being rude.

I accept entirely that there are differences in culture and personal values at play here. That's really clear from the responses. I accept IABU for not realising that in the first place.

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Why are you making it about personal values? There is nothing personal about it at all. They were busy, you knocked at a bad time. Why are you making it about you? Why are projecting assumptions onto them that they were deliberately ignoring you, didn’t want to help and were being unneighbourly because they weren’t free at that exact moment?

CluelessStyle · 07/05/2025 12:47

MaidofBriz · 07/05/2025 12:42

Not being unreasonable at all. I would always open a door to a neighbour because that is what being a good neighbour is. But this is Mumsnet where the answer is totally different, to enable someone to answer their door you must book an appointment 6 weeks in advance and confirm by email and phone. Even then they may not answer the door as they might be doing something really important like hiding behind the sofa....

Yeah, 95% of the 650 people who voted here are weird like that!

MaidofBriz · 07/05/2025 12:42

Not being unreasonable at all. I would always open a door to a neighbour because that is what being a good neighbour is. But this is Mumsnet where the answer is totally different, to enable someone to answer their door you must book an appointment 6 weeks in advance and confirm by email and phone. Even then they may not answer the door as they might be doing something really important like hiding behind the sofa....

CluelessStyle · 07/05/2025 12:34

There is no right or wrong here. People are just different. What is wrong is when we judge others for being different. And you are coming across as a little judgey OP, sorry.
There may be some background here we don't know about which has already clouded your opinion about these neighbours though.
It just seems quite a wrong response because they didn't answer the door on one occasion.

Still curious how they knew it was you you at the door? Did you see them looking out?

Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 11:51

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 07/05/2025 11:37

It's crazy to think that a neighbour may be rude for not answering the door.

It is rude to think that they should jump up to accommodate you.

I didn't say they were being rude.

I accept entirely that there are differences in culture and personal values at play here. That's really clear from the responses. I accept IABU for not realising that in the first place.

OP posts:
SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 07/05/2025 11:37

It's crazy to think that a neighbour may be rude for not answering the door.

It is rude to think that they should jump up to accommodate you.

Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 11:25

TemporaryCatSlave · 07/05/2025 11:02

It really isn't that common IRL, you've attracted the "My home is my castle, I triple lock my doors at 6pm, pull up the drawbridge, tell anyone after that to fuck off and require 6 weeks notice of any visit" crowd. I genuinely don't know anyone that is so weird about a simple door knock in the evening (or at any day/ time) other than on MN! Especially when the daylight hours are longer like now. I'm also in London, you'd think it would be more unfriendly being a big city but that's not my experience. And I'd be like you re worrying about a missing cat, it's not about how long they've been gone for, it's about if that is normal for that cat. I think you've been very patient with the rude ones & gracious in accepting some people have very different views on neighbourliness,.

Anyway, re the cat. I do recommend the cat proofing of your garden for peace of mind. Or a large catio - you can get ones that attach to the house or mobile ones that can be moved around the garden. Moine is currently an indoor cat and once I do have a garden again it will definitely get cat proofed as I cannot face a cat getting run over on the road ever again.

Are you on the Litter Tray threads? Come share your cat with nice cat people over there!

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Thank you! That was definitely my starting assumption. The questionn was more about neighbours not opening thr door which was why I posted in AIBU but am on the litter tray forum for more cat related questions (under my usual user name).

Appreciate the advice on cat proofing too, thank you.

OP posts:
CuttedPearPie · 07/05/2025 11:17

BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 10:48

Really? How is it dangerous? I bought it recently because I saw it recommended by lots of people on this site!

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Cats can get their collars hooked on stuff and then they die strangled.
Also who would want to walk around with a brick on their neck!

CluelessStyle · 07/05/2025 11:16

@TemporaryCatSlave that is a complete exaggeration of the answers here. And it is not "weird", just different to you.

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