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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was neighbour BU?

207 replies

BarbarellaC · 06/05/2025 23:51

Will try and make it quick. I have a 10 (ish) month old cat. He has only started going out in the garden in the past few weeks since the weather has been warm.

We have a fairly secure garden and, up to now, he has generally stayed in the garden but has wondered out once or twice (sometimes he just climbs the trees in our garden so we can't always see him), but always come back when we call him or rattle his biscuits. We live near a main road so I'm not keen on him venturing too far beyond our garden.

He has a new tractive tracker but hates wearing it so DH took it off him last night and I didn't have time to chase him t9 put it back on before I went to work. So he didn't have it on today. I let him out at just after 8pm when it was still light and, when I came downstairs again, the cat was nowhere to be seen. Called him, rattled biscuits, nothing. By then I was worried because he had never taken so long to come back.

So I went out to look for him and did a couple of rounds at the back and front of our house. Then knocked on our nice neighbour's door and he kindly said he would look in his garden. Knocked on the other neighbour's door (youngish couple, no kids) and, despite their lights being on, they didn't answer the door. It was obviously me as they have a sensor light so I lit up like Blackpool tower while standing on their doorstep. No answer still.

By the time I walked back around the block, DH called to say the cat had emerged. He had jumped over the second neighbour's fence. So, he was in their garden and had they been kind enough to look, they would have spotted him.

Anyway, all fine in the end. Cat is OK and won't be going out without his tracker again. I can't stop him from jumping over the high fence and going into the neighbour's garden though.

But, my AIBU is whether I am wrong to think the neighbour was being unreasonable in not opening the door to someone who is obviously a neighbour and likely in need of help / a favour?

The men never talk to us but, if a neighbour knocked on my door at 8.30pm, I would answer it because it seems like the kind and neighbourly thing to do.

OP posts:
Itisjustmyopinion · 07/05/2025 18:29

BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 18:09

Not bad, just different. And I do understand there are practical barriers that would stop people from answering the door. Those weren't obvious barriers for my neighbours yesterday, but I can't be 100% sure of course.

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You have absolutely no idea what they were doing to mean they didn’t answer the door

If you came to my door (and as I think I said in an earlier post I am in London too and someone did come to my door last night about that time as my security light was triggered) then right now I wouldn’t be opening it as I am often still working until 10 or 11pm.

As others have said you are coming across quite passive aggressive with this talk of values. It’s nothing to do with values, it might just be the wrong minute to be dealing with a neighbour

CluelessStyle · 07/05/2025 18:27

It is not a value judgement OP.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/05/2025 18:26

BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 18:21

I said there might be very practical barriers. But often it is also about making a value judgement, e.g not wanting to disturb downtime, cooking dinner, eating, in PJs. All value judgements and completely reasonable to call it that.

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There's several posters who have suggested it's not reasonable to call it that, but you keep saying it is.

Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 18:21

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/05/2025 18:16

Deciding whether to answer the door isn't guided by a set of values. It's guided by whether you're busy, what it is you're doing.

One day at 830pm I might answer the door. Another I might not because DD might be being a piglet about going to bed. A different day I might be unwell and not able to make it to the door. Another day I might be expecting something and answer it faster than usual.

There's no values there. Just circumstances. I'm not deciding whether or not to ignore you. I'm just potentially in the middle of something.

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I said there might be very practical barriers. But often it is also about making a value judgement, e.g not wanting to disturb downtime, cooking dinner, eating, in PJs. All value judgements and completely reasonable to call it that.

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 07/05/2025 18:18

Chickensky · 07/05/2025 01:51

Oh.nooo. Surely this goes against having cats for the first instance, I do not have any bird tables as this is just an easy kill zone for them. But we have very few rats and mice here. They don't kill frogs but bring them in.

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Well that is great but neighbours may do. I have a bloody cat from goodness knows where stalking my bird feeders at present. And my two blue tits are AWOL so I am sad. I think every cat owner should have a catio.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/05/2025 18:16

BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 18:04

But it is, sometimes, a value judgement. If you decide not to do something, you're guided by a set of values.

I understand that's not the case if you're in the bath, middle of shaggging etc.

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Deciding whether to answer the door isn't guided by a set of values. It's guided by whether you're busy, what it is you're doing.

One day at 830pm I might answer the door. Another I might not because DD might be being a piglet about going to bed. A different day I might be unwell and not able to make it to the door. Another day I might be expecting something and answer it faster than usual.

There's no values there. Just circumstances. I'm not deciding whether or not to ignore you. I'm just potentially in the middle of something.

Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 18:16

JMSA · 07/05/2025 18:15

No harm was done. It’s not like they ignored you because they were in the garden shooting at him with a water pistol!
They’re not obliged to answer the door to you and it’s crazy that you should think otherwise (sorry).

Agree, I was crazy to think that.

OP posts:
JMSA · 07/05/2025 18:15

No harm was done. It’s not like they ignored you because they were in the garden shooting at him with a water pistol!
They’re not obliged to answer the door to you and it’s crazy that you should think otherwise (sorry).

Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 18:10

Coconutter24 · 07/05/2025 18:08

8:30 isn’t late but by 8:30 I have no interest in opening my door to anyone. If there is a genuine emergency then the caller will bang louder or shout I’m sure. So I’m voting YABU for thinking someone is being unreasonable for choosing not to answer their door

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Yep, fair enough that you wouldn't do that- and you seem to be in the majority!

I've acknowledged that I was wrong in my judgement.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 18:09

CluelessStyle · 07/05/2025 18:07

It is your language OP, it does not seem like you are accepting it sincerely. By calling it a "value judgement" you are being very judgey. You are implying they have bad values. When most likely they just couldn't come to the door!

Not bad, just different. And I do understand there are practical barriers that would stop people from answering the door. Those weren't obvious barriers for my neighbours yesterday, but I can't be 100% sure of course.

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 07/05/2025 18:08

BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 00:33

Genuine question, how is 8.30 late?

Also, what's a catio?! Sounds fun.

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8:30 isn’t late but by 8:30 I have no interest in opening my door to anyone. If there is a genuine emergency then the caller will bang louder or shout I’m sure. So I’m voting YABU for thinking someone is being unreasonable for choosing not to answer their door

Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 18:07

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/05/2025 18:06

At that time sometimes we are facetiming relatives, working (with parts of the company in different time zones), in the bath, in the middle of sorting out admin that is time limited (eg you need to finish filling in the form in 10 minutes or all the info is lost) etc. I'd always answer the door if I was available but not always available

Fair enough. I misjudged it in my case.

OP posts:
CluelessStyle · 07/05/2025 18:07

It is your language OP, it does not seem like you are accepting it sincerely. By calling it a "value judgement" you are being very judgey. You are implying they have bad values. When most likely they just couldn't come to the door!

Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 18:06

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/05/2025 18:05

If someone knocked on our door at 830pm we'd be in our one hour of relaxing time between having put DD to bed and going to bed ourselves because our day starts at 5am.

So for some people, it's late, yes.

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Fair enough.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/05/2025 18:06

At that time sometimes we are facetiming relatives, working (with parts of the company in different time zones), in the bath, in the middle of sorting out admin that is time limited (eg you need to finish filling in the form in 10 minutes or all the info is lost) etc. I'd always answer the door if I was available but not always available

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/05/2025 18:05

BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 00:10

Is 8.30 late? We live in London, so it doesn't feel that late, particularly in spring.

It wasn't an emergency (obviously I was worried, but I accept no one else is obliged to care about my cat), but they weren't to know that.

If someone knocked on our door at 830pm we'd be in our one hour of relaxing time between having put DD to bed and going to bed ourselves because our day starts at 5am.

So for some people, it's late, yes.

Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 18:04

CluelessStyle · 07/05/2025 18:01

It is your language OP, it does not seem like you are accepting it sincerely. By calling it a "value judgement" you are being very judgey. You are implying they have bad values. When most likely they just couldn't come to the door!

Edited

But it is, sometimes, a value judgement. If you decide not to do something, you're guided by a set of values.

I understand that's not the case if you're in the bath, middle of shaggging etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 18:02

MayWelland · 07/05/2025 17:56

What value is it that you are displaying and the neighbours are not, OP?

Value that I would answer the door to a neighbour (as long as I could hear it and wasn't naked). That wasn't the case for my neighbours but very plausible in other situations of course.

OP posts:
CluelessStyle · 07/05/2025 18:01

It is your language OP, it does not seem like you are accepting it sincerely. By calling it a "value judgement" you are being very judgey. You are implying they have bad values. When most likely they just couldn't come to the door!

Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 18:00

CluelessStyle · 07/05/2025 17:54

OP it is very clear from your language that you feel the neighbours should have answered the door and were wrong and unneighbourly not to do so. I agree with the pp and feel you are being very passive agressive in your language unfortunately.

Most likely they were busy or ill and couldn't come to the door. It is not a "value judgement".

Should I should avoid having a bath tonight incase my neighbour rings my doorbell looking for her cat?

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I'm not being PA. Or at least, I don't think I am. Lots of people said they wouldn't answer the door or gave reasons why the neighbours might not have and I have acknowledged that as being fair. I've said that many times throughout the post.

I misjudged how many people might react. But it remains the case that I would still open the door at 8.30 and assuming I heard the bell and wasn't naked. Nothing wrong with acknowledging that we can all be right in how we would respond.

I've literally changed my mind on this thread and agreed IWBU but still getting criticised.

And no, you should never avoid having a bath if you want one!

OP posts:
MayWelland · 07/05/2025 17:56

What value is it that you are displaying and the neighbours are not, OP?

CluelessStyle · 07/05/2025 17:54

BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 17:20

It is very much a value judgement in deciding whether or not to answer the door. Nothing wrong with not answering it, clearly. But it is about values.

You could just shoo a cat away, you don't need to get the hose out. You sound delightful though.

Show quote history

OP it is very clear from your language that you feel the neighbours should have answered the door and were wrong and unneighbourly not to do so. I agree with the pp and feel you are being very passive agressive in your language unfortunately.

Most likely they were busy or ill and couldn't come to the door. It is not a "value judgement".

Should I should avoid having a bath tonight incase my neighbour rings my doorbell looking for her cat?

Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 17:51

MayWelland · 07/05/2025 17:45

Ah OP, this is such an evocative thread. Here’s my tuppence:

  • no-one owes you an explanation about why they didn’t come to the door
  • I think most people WOULD answer, but they don’t think it’s reasonable for you to be judgey about whether or not someone answers
  • my doorbell is on the blink and sometimes I can’t hear it. I also took a daytime nap on the sofa the other day and deliberately ignored two knocks - I was ill and in my pyjamas at lunchtime. Doesn’t make me rude.
  • have you made any effort to make friends with these neighbours, maybe swap numbers?
  • your response about the regions made me LOL - do you seriously think people outside London go to bed at 8pm?

FWIW I would absolutely answer the door and would love to help you out, but I’d be really peeved if you made a snap judgment about me on the one time I didn’t answer the door

Thank you. I've agreed that IWBU to judge them for not opening the door. Have realised I'm in the minority.

I tried to say hi to one of the couple the other morning when we both left for work at the same time, but he looked away. They are fairly new to that house and don't tend to acknowledge us. TBF, we've also felt a bit shy about introducing ourselves too.

On the regions point, I don't think that empirically but things do tend to go on later in London. Often people are still leaving work at 7/8pm. Anyway, was probably just scrabbling around for reasons why 8.30 didn't seem late to me!

OP posts:
MayWelland · 07/05/2025 17:45

Ah OP, this is such an evocative thread. Here’s my tuppence:

  • no-one owes you an explanation about why they didn’t come to the door
  • I think most people WOULD answer, but they don’t think it’s reasonable for you to be judgey about whether or not someone answers
  • my doorbell is on the blink and sometimes I can’t hear it. I also took a daytime nap on the sofa the other day and deliberately ignored two knocks - I was ill and in my pyjamas at lunchtime. Doesn’t make me rude.
  • have you made any effort to make friends with these neighbours, maybe swap numbers?
  • your response about the regions made me LOL - do you seriously think people outside London go to bed at 8pm?

FWIW I would absolutely answer the door and would love to help you out, but I’d be really peeved if you made a snap judgment about me on the one time I didn’t answer the door

Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 17:32

Numberfish · 07/05/2025 17:29

Oh come on OP, you’re being passive aggressive here. God forbid perfectly pleasant people don’t live the same way you do. Just spitballing here, is it an empty nest sort of reaction maybe? No one but the cat to care for/control? Might help you react more calmly to it and not antagonise your neighbours if you identify any issues?

Ha, maybe! Hadn't thought that deeply about it. Yes, I am anxious about my cat. And yes, I genuinely didn't think knocking on a neighbour's door would be an issue. But I understand that it IS an issue for lots of people, so fair enough. I misjudged it.

OP posts:
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