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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was neighbour BU?

207 replies

BarbarellaC · 06/05/2025 23:51

Will try and make it quick. I have a 10 (ish) month old cat. He has only started going out in the garden in the past few weeks since the weather has been warm.

We have a fairly secure garden and, up to now, he has generally stayed in the garden but has wondered out once or twice (sometimes he just climbs the trees in our garden so we can't always see him), but always come back when we call him or rattle his biscuits. We live near a main road so I'm not keen on him venturing too far beyond our garden.

He has a new tractive tracker but hates wearing it so DH took it off him last night and I didn't have time to chase him t9 put it back on before I went to work. So he didn't have it on today. I let him out at just after 8pm when it was still light and, when I came downstairs again, the cat was nowhere to be seen. Called him, rattled biscuits, nothing. By then I was worried because he had never taken so long to come back.

So I went out to look for him and did a couple of rounds at the back and front of our house. Then knocked on our nice neighbour's door and he kindly said he would look in his garden. Knocked on the other neighbour's door (youngish couple, no kids) and, despite their lights being on, they didn't answer the door. It was obviously me as they have a sensor light so I lit up like Blackpool tower while standing on their doorstep. No answer still.

By the time I walked back around the block, DH called to say the cat had emerged. He had jumped over the second neighbour's fence. So, he was in their garden and had they been kind enough to look, they would have spotted him.

Anyway, all fine in the end. Cat is OK and won't be going out without his tracker again. I can't stop him from jumping over the high fence and going into the neighbour's garden though.

But, my AIBU is whether I am wrong to think the neighbour was being unreasonable in not opening the door to someone who is obviously a neighbour and likely in need of help / a favour?

The men never talk to us but, if a neighbour knocked on my door at 8.30pm, I would answer it because it seems like the kind and neighbourly thing to do.

OP posts:
ForgettingMeNot · 07/05/2025 20:59

Fit Katzecure fencing so he can’t get out your garden. If you are near a busy road, please do this. Cats have no Road sense and vets bills if he survived would likely be more than fitting the fencing

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/05/2025 20:59

Growlybear83 · 07/05/2025 20:58

I can’t imagine not answering the door at 8.30, but maybe your neighbours and mumsnetters and were shaking behind the sofa when you rang their bell.

You can't imagine it? Can't imagine being in the middle of something that prevented you getting there?

Growlybear83 · 07/05/2025 20:58

I can’t imagine not answering the door at 8.30, but maybe your neighbours and mumsnetters and were shaking behind the sofa when you rang their bell.

Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 20:55

JosephGeorge · 07/05/2025 20:53

Your neighbours were not unreasonable. You have no idea why they chose not to answer. Cat proof your garden with the special fencing. Much safer for them.

I agreed that I have no idea why they didn't answer. I also agreed to look into cat proofing the garden.

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 20:54

Musicalmistress · 07/05/2025 20:51

You’re not unreasonable to ask them to check their garden, had they answered the door, but you are u reasonable to get so shirty they didn’t answer the door - you have no idea what they were doing!

I didn't get shirty, just asked if I was unreasonable ti have expected them to answer. And I have been told I am and I accept that.

OP posts:
JosephGeorge · 07/05/2025 20:53

Your neighbours were not unreasonable. You have no idea why they chose not to answer. Cat proof your garden with the special fencing. Much safer for them.

CluelessStyle · 07/05/2025 20:51

OP this is not a value judgement. This has already been explained to you by many people here.

Musicalmistress · 07/05/2025 20:51

You’re not unreasonable to ask them to check their garden, had they answered the door, but you are u reasonable to get so shirty they didn’t answer the door - you have no idea what they were doing!

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/05/2025 20:46

BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 20:32

A value judgement is just about how you make a decision based on what you THINK is right or wrong in that instance.

In saying one is applying a value judgement, you're not saying they have good or bad values, just that the judgement (or decision) is reached through opinion or ideology.

Or, simply, the fact you're currently not able to do something?

There's no ideology being applied to a decision of whether to open the door if I'm in the middle of making pizza dough and my hands are in it and covered in sticky dough. I quite simply can't get there.

Theres no opinion being applied if I'm in the shower and my hair is covered in shampoo. I quite simply can't get there.

There's no ideology at work if someone knocks at my door and DH and I are mid passionate moment and completely naked. I quite simply can't get there.

There's no decision. It's just a fact that sometimes, you can't make it to the door.

Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 20:32

A value judgement is just about how you make a decision based on what you THINK is right or wrong in that instance.

In saying one is applying a value judgement, you're not saying they have good or bad values, just that the judgement (or decision) is reached through opinion or ideology.

OP posts:
AlmostSummer25 · 07/05/2025 19:38

BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 17:23

This was my reaction too, but it seems like the consensus is, no one is obliged to open their door, 8.30 is late, and asking someone to have a quick look in their garden for a missing cat will justifiably result in you being told to "fuck off".

This is all new to me!

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Thankfully I don't encounter these type of people!!

lots of cuddles for big kitten!!

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 07/05/2025 19:33

Glad he’s ok

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/05/2025 19:27

lovegoodlovegood · 07/05/2025 19:17

I’ve knocked on my neighbours door at 10pm before and they answered. Very glad as I was shocked, needed help and nobody else was about

But if they'd not answered would you have started a thread questioning their values?

lovegoodlovegood · 07/05/2025 19:17

I’ve knocked on my neighbours door at 10pm before and they answered. Very glad as I was shocked, needed help and nobody else was about

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/05/2025 19:04

BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 18:42

Yes, ' I will sacrifice my time or disrupt what I am doing to check why some one is knocking on my door'

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Why? Why do you hold that as a value? Why is the need of someone on the other side of the door so much more important than your time or what you need to do?

Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 18:47

TortolaParadise · 07/05/2025 18:45

No they were not being UB in my opinion. Lets stick with the popular narrative on this forum maybe they are introverts; meditating; relaxing... They are in their own home and they don't know you.

Fair enough

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 18:47

crimsonlake · 07/05/2025 18:43

Tbh if your a nervous owner I would not be letting my kitten out at 8ish in the evening.
Mine is a similar age and only recently have I been allowing him out in the garden supervised.
Today around 4pm after work I decided to let him out whilst I had a cuppa in the garden.
Despite wrapping the tree trunk in aluminium foil to deter him he managed to bounce off the bottom trunk and raced to the top.
He then spent the next 1.5 hrs up a tall willow tree trying to catch a furious magpie.
No amount of persuading would bring him down, I even got the hosepipe out to deter the mad magpie from attacking my kitten.
I don't know how I am going to cope with tihs going forward, but my other cat looked mildly amused by the whole performance.

Yes have learnt my lesson! Glad your kitty came down from the tree!

OP posts:
Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 18:46

CluelessStyle · 07/05/2025 18:43

That is not a value

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Ok

OP posts:
TortolaParadise · 07/05/2025 18:45

No they were not being UB in my opinion. Lets stick with the popular narrative on this forum maybe they are introverts; meditating; relaxing... They are in their own home and they don't know you.

crimsonlake · 07/05/2025 18:43

Tbh if your a nervous owner I would not be letting my kitten out at 8ish in the evening.
Mine is a similar age and only recently have I been allowing him out in the garden supervised.
Today around 4pm after work I decided to let him out whilst I had a cuppa in the garden.
Despite wrapping the tree trunk in aluminium foil to deter him he managed to bounce off the bottom trunk and raced to the top.
He then spent the next 1.5 hrs up a tall willow tree trying to catch a furious magpie.
No amount of persuading would bring him down, I even got the hosepipe out to deter the mad magpie from attacking my kitten.
I don't know how I am going to cope with tihs going forward, but my other cat looked mildly amused by the whole performance.

CluelessStyle · 07/05/2025 18:43

BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 18:42

Yes, ' I will sacrifice my time or disrupt what I am doing to check why some one is knocking on my door'

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That is not a value

CluelessStyle · 07/05/2025 18:42

You were not wrong to knock on their door because of your cat OP.
You were wrong to judge your neighbours for not answering and I think that is what most people have voted on.
And you are being a bit silly to call it a "value judgement".

Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 18:42

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/05/2025 18:37

Can you explain why you think it's based on values?

Do you feel like you need to ensure that whoever is on the other side of your door is ok, regardless of what that means for you? Is that why you talk about it being a values thing?

Because for most of us, a value is what we use to live our lives. It's what we use to make big decisions, such as who to share our life with, how to live well, how to raise children. Values don't impact whether I need to step out of the shower to answer the door. It's not possible for me to do it at that moment in time, I'm not going against my values if I don't do it.

Show quote history

Yes, ' I will sacrifice my time or disrupt what I am doing to check why some one is knocking on my door'

OP posts:
IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/05/2025 18:37

BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 18:34

I said I can't be sure what they were doing, only that they were in their front room and lights were on.

Fair enough on values. I do think it can be a value judgement. Others don't think it is ever a value judgement. We disagree on that, but I have agreed I misjudged things and was wrong to knock on their door because of my cat.

Show quote history

Can you explain why you think it's based on values?

Do you feel like you need to ensure that whoever is on the other side of your door is ok, regardless of what that means for you? Is that why you talk about it being a values thing?

Because for most of us, a value is what we use to live our lives. It's what we use to make big decisions, such as who to share our life with, how to live well, how to raise children. Values don't impact whether I need to step out of the shower to answer the door. It's not possible for me to do it at that moment in time, I'm not going against my values if I don't do it.

Original poster
BarbarellaC · 07/05/2025 18:34

Itisjustmyopinion · 07/05/2025 18:29

You have absolutely no idea what they were doing to mean they didn’t answer the door

If you came to my door (and as I think I said in an earlier post I am in London too and someone did come to my door last night about that time as my security light was triggered) then right now I wouldn’t be opening it as I am often still working until 10 or 11pm.

As others have said you are coming across quite passive aggressive with this talk of values. It’s nothing to do with values, it might just be the wrong minute to be dealing with a neighbour

Show quote history

I said I can't be sure what they were doing, only that they were in their front room and lights were on.

Fair enough on values. I do think it can be a value judgement. Others don't think it is ever a value judgement. We disagree on that, but I have agreed I misjudged things and was wrong to knock on their door because of my cat.

OP posts:
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