How to handle sports day this year?

This is what my mum said to me when I struggled with sports day as a kid. I'm not sure it helped too much when I was little but as I got older I understood more and it made me feel better - and I think a bit more understanding of the kids that did struggle with (for example) reading.

I'm a bit torn about sports day because I did hate it but also I remember one or two instances where people were cheering me on when I was struggling or I did actually do well at something and they're some really good memories amongst the not so good ones. If I'm being honest I think if I'd been given the option of missing it I absolutely would have and although that wouldn't have automatically made me "lack any resilience" or any other grand statements people like to trot out, taking part and mostly not doing very well hasn't exactly traumatised me either 🤷

My son is 5 and has his first school sports day this year, he's autistic so not sure how well he'll do (he likes pe at school but not sure how he'll do with a crowd and everything) so I guess I'll see if my opinion swings more to one or the other as he gets older!

Calm down! I stand by not making my child take part in an activity that is supposed to be FUN that she hates as some sort of bizarre sadistic character building exercise.

Anyway the proof is in the pudding - despite 3 missed sports days at primary school my elder Dd has turned out to be an excellent extremely hard working and resilient sporty (not athletics) success story. So my parenting approach has clearly worked well.

I took my kid out last year and we had a lovely day. You can see from my user name why 😂

The comments about resilience are actually laughable. You don’t think these dyspraxic kids have to build resilience beyond sports day? Being good at sport is something that permeates everything at primary school. The sporty kids are the popular kids. My kid deals daily with not being included in football on the playground, being in the D team for all school sports and being genuinely the worst at every single sport they do. He knows how bad he is at it and asks me why can’t he get better because then he will have more friends. It’s heartbreaking and those of you saying “it’s good for them” clearly have never had a child in this position. Believe me, he has built resilience in spades, he doesn’t need sports day to build anymore of it. I have resolved to take him out every year unless they allow him to take on a different role.

It isn’t a daft question at all. It is to demonstrate that you have placed way too high a value on visibly being better than other people, and that sadly it is a value you are instilling in your children. And also that you have no way of finding a positive, either in jollying along, or if they were really upset.

Regardless of all that, it is also visible that you aren’t there, and even at six kids also know that’s because you can’t cope (and I mean you separate from your kids). In effect you think that the rules you don’t like can be put aside for you and your children.

It’s only sports day, and it says almost nothing about your sports ability, but it can say a lot about your character.

Yabu. Kids need to learn we can't win at everything. Most schools do a few silly things like egg & spoon etc so its not all about who's the best sprinter.

My kids are both slow runners, including the very tall one. They just don't have that burst of speed some kids have.

I point out to them that they are good at other things and its just about having fun on the day.

It's fine to come last though, isn't it? It's not a humiliation. Someone comes last in the olympic 100m final. Everyone gets cheered and clapped at sports day. I'm always doing sports and physical things I'm rubbish at- how will you ever try anything new if you won't risk being bad at it?

DD1 is frankly a bit rubbish at sports day (asd and dyspraxia) but she knows she goes and gives it a go- and she's shit hot at reading and there are kids in her class who will struggle every day of their school life with that. It's a nice, hopefully sunny time on the school field and is over in max 2 hours.

DD2 is really great at sports day but not so academic- she gets to shine and be first at lots of stuff for one day of the year. And yes, she full knows she's in one of the bottom groups for reading, she doesn't get to opt out of that.

It's much better to help them deal with worries- if the sports day is run in not an inclusive way then in slower time a chat with the sports lead at school about that could be in order (the small groups that rotate around activities approach is a nice one for lower pressure). But fundamentally I wouldn't want to send my kids the message that you only do sports if you're going to win. Participation does matter.

Cowardly? Jesus there are some harsh parents on this board! Their poor kids.

When else in life do you visibly fail publicly like that though? Genuinely can’t think of any other examples. Got to 50 and never have.

Exams and tests and not getting jobs are pretty private. No one forces you to perform in public if you can’t sing / dance. Previous posters negative sports day experiences have stayed with them into adulthood.

There is nothing humiliating about coming last. But it is cowardly to not participate because you know you'll come last. Depends what kind of person you want to raise. I want kids who can look failure in the eye and bounce back.

I think it's important that they fail at things publicly and learn that nevertheless, the world does not crumble down. You will be there, you cheer them and hug them for their participation. You tell them you're so proud they got on the field and did it despite hating it. And they have learned to get through things they don't like. Don't wrap them in cotton wool. Life is not like that.

What a daft question. No one likes to be visibly crap at something. Especially not if you are 6.

Why is coming last a humiliation? Why is it something to be ashamed of?

Why do you believe that a person’s self worth is external to themselves and dependent on the performance of others? Is that really the message you want to give your children - “coming last is such a humiliation that we will run away from the possibility” almost certainly whilst making disparaging remarks about those who can take it in their stride.

Can you not see this is about your reaction - you think that people who come last in a race have made a humiliating show of themselves. Most other people just think they competed.

But back to the question- where’s the humiliation?

My son always struggled with sports day (ASD, and to be honest I think he found it all too much with the crowds of people etc) and rather than missing school the teachers would let him be a “helper” or just sit out and watch. Surprisingly in his Y6 sports day he actually chose to participate! Perhaps speak to teachers and see what they say.

Humiliation never builds resilence. It builds fear.

But do they have to stand up in front of the whole school and all parents/grandparents to demonstrate how shit they are at maths so very publicly?
Sports day isn’t hated because it’s sports, it’s the totally unnecessary public show of it.

All the races should be optional and there should be spelling bee or other events for the less sports inclined children.

My kids love it (they are pretty sporty) but if they hated it I’d be keeping them off school no question.

Some schools do Sports Day really well, others make it an awful experience. It's not the subject but the handling. Furthermore schools don't really accept that negative school sport experiences can result in a child being closed to physical activity as an adult. To me that's significant harm.

If your school's sports day causes stress to your child, just remove them. You prioritise your child's needs over the school's demands.

I prioritised mine on sports day...at the zoo, with ice cream.

Queues at Thorpe Park or Alton Towers will be shorter than in the summer.

We always came down with a bug on sports day on account of my kids being so utterly shit at traditional sports. Quite funny really because once they found their sport they ended up being really very good... (like, represent your country good), they were both just shit at running, catching balls or titting around with bean bags...

This Is the sort of attitude and spirit you should be trying to develop.

It’s a shot putter running hurdles - against hurdlers.

Why would you assume that my friends would belittle me? And why would I let the opinion of strangers or even neighbors have any impact on me at all? Why should I be embarrassed?

Honestly, even if a neighbour came up to mock me I’d just ask him how he ended up thinking I gave a shiny shit what he thinks?

But more importantly… do you know how I learned that resilience, by being rubbish at stuff at the start, and then getting better with practice, and knowing that everyone is crap when they start, and actually you aren’t competing against the people who’ve been doing it for years, you are competing against yourself. Preferably with good grace.

You think you’re making some gotcha comment, but actually you’re just demonstrating something rather unkind in your own character, and projecting it onto everybody else. And that’s before you go anywhere near depriving the kids the chance to improve: to come second from last, or to come last with a smile. Or even to just fail and bounce back from it.

If its the running races he is last at, couldn’t you ask the teacher to keep him out of that race and to concentrate on the novelty ones.

You could communicate with the school for him to do one activity he feels more confident in then just observe?

There are also mitigations so he could help out a bit, a responsibility, so he doesn't have to participate.

I completely understand, if only we had known our DC would be so stressed out by it they would run away. Well, I knew, DH didn't and it was only at this point he accepted my diagnosis of SEN.

As a teacher and parent, please get in touch with the school, rather than taking him away from it. He can gain pride in so many things not related to the actual sports events. Xx

I wish I could take all the “build resilience” posters out to a field and make them do a physical activity that they are shit at in front of all their friends and neighbours. Just to “build their resilience” of course. Not keen? Didn’t think so.

I agree that competitive races should be optional.

Sporty kids can be challenged and compete with other sporty kids. I still don't understand why sporty kids need non sporty kids so that they can ''shine''.

there is no academic or musical or creative comparison

Don’t be daft, many schools put up all the scores for tests, and they have sets/ streaming every single day. My own kids have the Art Show, I had the “Fashion Show” which was weather clothes you have been making in class. Was it a great day- nope. Was it good for you? Absolutely!