How to handle sports day this year?

'It was so bloody stressful that when we got home I put the tv on for them and went upstairs and cried for about 15 minutes. Pathetic I know.'

Absolutely not pathetic .

Parents should all keep their kids off on sports days imo. Once the penny drops teachers may realise it's a waste of everyone's time and go back to teaching our kids the actual curriculum.

Well done @Dinnerplease that's some good parenting because it's amazing actually the achievements children can make even in the areas they are not naturally adapted to do. Swimming is a life skill as well as being great for your health and you have also taught that sports should be about winning against yourself and your own personal best, not gold medals.

Cancelling it is unnecessary but we don't need to force children to take part either just like I wouldn't expect a nervous child to be forced to say lines in a Christmas concert. They are supposed to be fun events.

You sound quite mad. Or pissed.

You are using the word ‘nuance’ but what you mean is ‘special rules for me and my child’.
Now, if you are actually prepared to get off your arse and help organize these Nuanced Games, then I am totally with you.
But if, as I suspect, your total contribution is whining on the internet, then No-is-a-complete-sentence/DFOATFOTTFSOF/etc.

You’re so over dramatic and unable to comprehend any nuance. It’s like dealing with a child.

Yes, let’s cancel sports day, and the Christmas concert, and the artwork display. Let’s cancel exams too whilst we’re there.

Let’s just cancel everything where a bit of talent might be visible, because god forbid a parent might have to cope with seeing that some kids just are better than theirs at some things.

It’s isn’t self-concious really, is it? You make it sound much more like self-absorption to the point of self-obsession.

100% at my DC’s school we have children participating with all sorts of disabilities including Down Syndrome and skeletal dysplasia however the school makes reasonable adjustments speak to the school about reasonable adjustments if your DC is diagnosed with a disability.

I honestly believe as parents we are doing nothing to parent our children if we avoid difficult situations, and is probably why there is an issue with resilience in our young people. We need to equip them with the tools to deal with difficult situations however that difficulty represents.

My now 7 year old cried throughout most of his last year. But in KS1 it's very mild, just little obstacle courses and egg and spoon etc. The teachers are all very kind and patient. It has never crossed my mind to take him out of it to be honest, it's 2 hours a year. He seems to have survived! Saying that if he was at a sportier school I might be less gung ho about it!

I'm not afraid of being last at something I opted to do.

Being hopelessly, publically last at something I was forced to do despite not being able to do it competently is very different.

Young children don't have the autonomy or social skill to style it out with dignity.

Being the only 7 year old left on a field with a skipping rope in front of 400 strangers, what are the options?
Dumping the rope and stomping off apparently wasn't the acceptable answer.
I didn't have the social skill to turn it into a comedy that I could control. I wasn't the kind of child who would have considered refusing and that would have had short shrift. Trying wasn't good enough.
What is the dignified way through that situation?

It was a no-win situation to be put in.
And socially it hindered my ability as The New Girl to be able to make friends. Friends didn't begin to happen until the next school year when I had a new teacher that understood how to nuture children and give them confidence.

For a long time PE and sports day were all about negatives and what I couldn't do. I was that talentless that PE teachers refused to believe I could genuinely be that inept. So what was the point at trying at something beyond redemption?
It was only in y10 that my PE teachers realised that I still doggedly brought my kit each week and didn't attempt to skive off that I was finally rewarded with something more than Es and Ds for effort. How do you try harder at being delegated to be default subsititute anyway?

It was not PE or sports days that got me into the fitness activities that I do in adulthood. It was the (bad) dancing I did outside school then the DoE award then developments like the C25k plan and parkrun.

School sport should be much more orientated towards personal goals than competition.

But there's also on these threads a sort of 'children who are ND automatically find all of this really traumatic' vibe. I mean we're honestly full house- ASD, dyspraxia/dcd, hypermobility and random fainting episodes- and DD still does it, sometimes comes last or back of the pack, and doesn't find it traumatic (and we're not in a 'naice' area, either, although I am not sure what difference that is supposed to make). It's not that we've done anything in particular but it's the same energy that says all mainstream schooling is automatically traumatic for children with ASD.

It sounds like a lot of this is a problem with the school, rather than sports day per se, and I would engage on that basis- say look, they're finding it difficult, is there another way this can be run? If the school has a culture where kids are humiliating others they have a bullying problem which needs to be dealt with.

Schools should be running things in an inclusive way. Just like with the school play, not everyone gets to be the soloist, not everyone will excel, but it can be managed well. And actually at a previous school my kids were at, everyone did the spelling bee too. DD2 was shit at it but, you know- she'll get over it.

It's always the way with threads about withdrawing a DC from sports day OP. A mixture of people who have no idea about the particular difficulties faced by the child in question but don't let that stop them and people who are trying to justify their own terrible parenting advice. The last thing any of them are going to do is educate themselves.

Ignore the nonsense on the thread, take the good, and remember, if you choose not to send them in, nothing of value will be lost. Good luck.

I think you have to ask yourself why a child is so upset about running a race as to wet themselves?

Do you ask the same of parent whose child refuses school because they are anxious or breaks down when they are sitting an exam. Why assume all childen should enjoy sport and not find it a stressful overwhelming experience. Why do we always insist something must be wrong with the child as opposed to the system we are forcing them into.

Sports day is not about fitness, you can be fit and not want to run 100m races fgs

Shame sports day isn't a more inclusive experience particuarly for a child that has a disability. Competing in sport if it is your choice is fair enough but hard if it isn't. My kids sports day is in teams across all the ages so a mixed team from 5 up to 12 competing as a team in different events they win or lose as a team. They choose what events suit them best. Works well and fosters great team work and sportsmanship. Those that are more competitive and skilled compete in the inter schools competitions.

I think you have to ask yourself why a child is so upset about running a race as to wet themselves?

This is a low stakes childrens running race. If they are finding it physically difficult to run 100 metres, you may need to get a bit more exercise as a family to improve fitness. If they simply can't cope with "losing" you need to work with them on resilience and perspective. There are children living in war zones, experiencing food shortages, children persecuted for their race or religion. Losing a race at school sports day is not a big thing. Encourage them to celebrate their friends and remind them they have other areas to shine in.

My DS will come last in every race. We used to have a fuss but have persevered and he now takes it with good grace and has fun, he understands its not about winning.

I am going to chip in on some of the debate over humiliation, because I think its difficult to quantify, and I think that some people are concerned that pulling their kids out just teaches them to not deal with failure, and actually I did pull my kids out of sports days and still do expect them to deal with failure in a robust way (adults now). It gets all a bit heated on here, so I wondered if I could share, and I remain hopeful of not being vilified. It's just a share to explain where I came from as a "Sports Day Refuser".

My experience was as follows, shared honestly with no rights or wrongs, just how I ended up being the parent who yanked their kids out.

I was shit at all athletics (basically anything that sports day celebrated), I am dyspraxic, extraordinarily clumsy, and was well known for not only coming last but for the teachers starting the next race before I had limped over the line with my bean bag. However, it was a nice school, and I had nice friends, who were much more sporty than I was, but who recognised that I did have some talents, they just were not on the field. I was not traumatised, and although people did laugh at me, my recollection was that it was more "with" than "at".

I didn't really feel humiliated. As a family, we would chuckle at the ludicrousness of it all and move to the next abject failure on the pitch. I was a trier, always failed, but gave an enthusiastic go. Anyways, I can't hate truly sports day because that is actually where I first laid eyes on my now husband...(magnificent sporty legs - this was aged 15, I hasten to add, not 7.....) Anyway, I digress...

When I had my own kids, I was actually quite excited about sports days, I rocked up with the picnic basket, joked with my (sporty) husband that I would be taking my rightful position in last place for the mums race, and looked forward to a fun day of cheering, and silliness with bean bags and potato sacks.

It turned out that my kids were very like me and were totally rubbish. My eldest didn't really get the point of the races and kept stopping to wave at us enthusiastically as we cheered with gusto (secretly wishing we had smuggled Pimm's into the picnic). I assumed that their experience would be like mine, but later my son turned up crying and despondent.

Everyone received a medal.

Gold, Silver, Bronze, and Participation (it said something like "I did my best on it"). This is slightly patronising, and let's not get into a debate about participation medals. It wasn't the Olympic final. It seemed nice, if a little wet, in the message.

My son was actually pretty chuffed with his medal... at first.

Until a kid turned around to him and pointed out that this was a loser's medal because he was a massive loser. This kid lived next door to us and was supposed to be a "bestie." Unfortunately, this loser chant gathered momentum, and suddenly, there were chants of "loser" at anyone who had the participation medal, and it all turned a little sour. This turned into such an extraordinary and horrible thing (it went on for months), it was like lord of the sodding flies on a suburban scorched school field. Kids can be bloody nasty, and genuinely, I suspect that the "winners'" parents fanned some of the flames.

The school, in its infinite wisdom, decided to tackle the problem head-on. Yes, you have guessed it. Instead of addressing the behaviours, they were going to remove the problematic participation medals as they were causing issues. So now losers sat with no medal while winners strutted around lording it, and no one seemed to think that winning with grace is as important a lesson as losing with grace. I was astounded that no thought was given to behaviour.

The damage was done, our son (and his brother, who was actually even worse - a totally amazing space cadet), were both humiliated, not by the act of being a bit rubbish at something but by the actions of their peers, and the failure of the school to address it appropriately. We tried at home, we assumed the family culture of not being phased or giving a rats fart about someone else's ridiculous poor winner behaviour would chide them over, but we were met with abject refusal, and it took a long time to rework the loser framing out.

When the next sports day came around, I packed up the picnic, gave the enthusiastic pep talk and was met with "Why would you make me do this, Mum?" And I thought "Fuck this, Why AM I buying into it when we could do something else that either creates memories or helps build him up?"

So we decided that this was not a stage we wanted to put our kids on to be taunted at. Simple as that.

Now we did want our kids to be fit, healthy and enjoy sports, and we tried a few things, many of which they were also rather shit at, and didn't enjoy. I was also really looking for somewhere they could feel safe and supported - a community.

They did find their sport eventually, and it was one that really instilled discipline and respect, and they LOVED it. They enjoyed the structure and discipline, and it was just a really nice crowd. They were however both shit at it when they started, they showed absolutely no aptitude, but they happily stepped out and failed again and again because no one was trying to humiliate them. We had found their tribe, and it was supportive, the coaches focused on personal journeys as well as collective team ambition, and above all, respectful conduct - I loved it, and so did they, even though they appeared to have no special talent for it, and for us it was never about the winning, it was about how they grew from it.

The first friendly tournament my eldest son went to outside of his club, he hurt himself, started crying and looked ready to quit, he literally crumpled in front of us and I had a moment where I thought, what the fuck have I done, I've done it again, after everything that went down with Sports Day, is this some kind of personal ambition I am living out and putting my kid through (I was analysing myself and my motives to the nth)........but he turned around and saw every single one of his club mates, other parents and his coaches cheering fiercely and telling him he could do it.

He actually didn't win, but he got through the tournament with his head up, he listened to his coaches and his supportive peers, and he DIDN'T get a participation medal, but he got back-slapped all the way out of the gymnasium for showing up and giving his all. We played Eye of the Tiger on top volume in the car all the way home and sang loudly and badly while celebrating a successful day of learning and fun with friends, and the sheer guts of going out there and having a go after everything that had happened before. Back at class the following week, everyone that took part was celebrated, both boys were asked what they learned from the day and what they were most proud of, and then the whole club cheered..... I was EMOTIONAL at the support my little losers received.

It ended up being that the spirit of participation (ironically what he was ridiculed and humiliated over at the beginning), was what kept him and his brother going in sport.

That was it. Hooked. Training five nights per week, and actually started winning all the regionals and nationals, got selected for the England squad, travelled all over the world, faced losses and "humiliations," rose up, and had incredible wins. Both of my lads' teenage years ended up being an incredible journey of international trips, competitions, training camps, and making friends in their sport literally all over the world.

CRITICALLY, as adults, 20 years later, they are still doing their sport. Both train regularly, both now coach, and interestingly, neither of them keeps their medals. They hand them to us and we hang them up on this wall on a back staircase in the house, kind of out of sight, (it is almost a womblike quiet space of pride just for mum and dad where we have a memento of the journey), because it was never, and is never, about the medal.... it was always about the participation.

I have a feeling, though, that when their own kids arrive, they will not be fussed about being staunch sports day refusers.

I am quite proud to be a bit of a loser, and if it were just me, I would rock up to any sports day and come last, and laugh about it all the way home, but my kids... nah. Sports day as a concept just didn't work.

Those who aren't sporty have to endure weekly PE which isn't the same as sports day.

It would be like forcing all children to take part in a spelling bee with all parents watching on.

I would speak to the teacher and see what they suggest.

I don’t think it’s good for children to opt out of everything they find hard / don’t want to do. I think it sets an unhealthy precedence and doesn’t teach necessary life skills.

My DD has a learning disability. Spellings in particular are her nemesis she had to endure weekly spelling tests at primary…

Why have you made a series of nonsensical assumptions about what I think and how I have brought my children up?

I'm not going to respond to each of your accusations about what I think because they're so laughably wrong.

I felt humiliated at sports day. If you'd care to search this thread, I explained it. If you want to know where the humiliation is, you can find it there.

Being dyspraxic doesn't give you a let for everything physical. It's definitely up to the school to adapt activities so everyone can take part, and I'd be having that chat with them if the sports culture there is poor and kids are being excluded as a result (that sounds like wider problems than sports at the school). But as mentioned above DD is dyspraxic with ASD and still does it. I don't hold it's traumatic for her to be shit at high jump. She can either live with being bad at high jump or she can work at it. Yes, she's got loads of resilience already, but she will need more than kids who aren't disabled, so we keep building it.

She's actually a pretty decent swimmer and swims with a para club, but that's because she's really worked at it for years at 3 hours a week and if she swam with the mainstream club would still be very much last. But if we'd have just given up when she was poor compared to other kids and found it embarassing she'd not be able to swim at all.

I wish that were true. My son is made to feel so bad because he's not good at English and Maths. He is constantly being critisised. His peers make fun of him. On the sports field he excels, but as he is so good he's always given penalties such as having to give others a head start to give them a chance. He's now doing his exams and is made.to feel like his life is over if he doesn't get the. Sport is his good mental health place. It's a shame schools can't have some balance. Obviously encourage English and Maths, but on sports day why not select those that are good and/or live it, and the others watch and cheer and support. That way they get there moment of glory without embarrassing others.