Does my ex have the right to veto my new house?

Very very good advice actually - do this and talk to them

Would he allow you to "inspect" his house to see if it's acceptable?...I think not. Nope, don't let him in. He's unreasonable and controlling. Good that he's the ex

Right. Take a breath.

hes got inside your head where he has absolutely no right to be.

all you need to say to him from this point on is NO.

Cut all coms to email only, block on mobile etc and don’t give him any more detail than absolutely necessary.

you left him. He isn’t involved in who you choose for a childminder, make sure he doesn’t have the address or details for her either.

“Childminder comes highly recommended, has oodles of experience and dc has met and likes them.”

”my home is my home, it doesn’t need anyone’s approval, least of all yours.”

”we won’t be discussing these matters again.”

then if he tries to raise anything again, “we’re not discussing this, move on”

Be firm. Very clear and very firm. It gets easier with practice.

They didn't need to "infer" it had been controlling; it says so in the first post:

"he's behaving very controlling, which is why I left him."

It is not acceptable for him to ‘veto’ anything. At all.

OP you simply need to remember;

1. Just because he asks/demands information, doesn't mean you have to give it. Keep all contact in writing either via email/parenting app or phone texts, NOT verbally/ telephone calls etc.
2. Just because he says he wants to 'approve' your home/childminder/nursery, doesn't mean he has a 'right' to, you don't have to even tell him your address or who your childminder even is ! (but it works both ways)
3. Keep all information to yourself. He simply doesn't need to know, nor does he have any right to demand information from you (but it works both ways)

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE call the NCDV. Please.

He’s desperately trying to control you because it worked for him in the past and you have moved away. Like other people have said get a ring doorbell and a chain, I would also put a chain on the back door too. He has no rights to enter your house, be prepared for more made up rights of his. I would ignore his messages unless it’s about arrangements for access with your child, if he starts asking questions about childminder you can assure him they are qualified etc and then ignore.

Just remember No is a complete sentence you don’t to justify or explain.
You are a smart woman as you left the controlling arse, but he is now going to try every trick he can to get control back over you. It is going to be hard, he will try to make you feel crazy and that you are unreasonable. If your child is safe, cared for and happy with you he has no right to interfere.
You are not alone, many of us on here have left similar men and had to deal with their attempts to regain control.
What I can tell you is that it is worth it in the long run building a new life for you and your child.

Every time I read a post like this I just want to send power and strength to the person.

This is really good advice. As much as possible in writing. That gives you an evidence base if you need it, but also makes it harder for him to gaslight you - what has been said and agreed is plainly there in writing.

Well done for leaving him. You are building a better life for you and your child. Stay strong. Good luck x

Buy or borrow a Ring doorbell.

Tell him he is not invited, you won't be letting him in, you will record his "visit" and you will be informing the police/your solicitor etc.

No, none of what he is asking is acceptable

He does not get to veto the house or the childminder

You say ‘no, that’s not happening’
On repeat, and ignore any conversation around it

Are you having actual conversations on the phone/face to face, messages or contact via a parenting app?
I would strongly suggest moving to the latter asap

It’s not your fault you are asking these questions. He’s conditioned you so thoroughly. But you can see from the answers he is wrong. Use those to have the strength to break free.

you are not stupid. This feeling is from his controlling behaviour making you second guess everything you do or say.
tell him communication will only happen via a parenting app (my family wizard for example)
if he wants to “veto” anything, tell him to take his concerns to a solicitor and let the courts deal with it.

with regard to him turning up to yours house, send him a very clear text or email saying that he does not have permission to come onto your property and if he does turn up, you will call the police.
call the police and advise them of the situation and what will potentially happen. They will be able to advise you of what to do.
if he continues harassing you, apply for a non molestation order to keep him away from you.
does he spend time with your child?

This.

Ignore him. Either don’t tell him the address (unless legally required to) or let him show up. He can drive a few hours to stare at the exterior of your home, and be told that he’s not coming in. Ever. If he pushes back, tell him he’s trespassing and you will call the police.

Absolutely spot on! 🤗

@Catsandcannedbeans Yup, or he could just enter OP's new post code into RightMove and see the house photo's online. Honestly, I wonder if these controlling CFs have some sort of brain damage - and I'm not being flippant either - they're definitely "wired" differently"! 😡

I tjink you should contact Women's aid and the police 102 and ask for advice.

This is Coercive control and it is a crime.
Report him.
He has none of these rights but it is what abusive men claim they have a right to.

Do not allow him into your home.
Contact the police immediately if he becomes aggressive.
He sounds dangerous.

Get a video bell asap and do not answer.
It will record him and any conversation at the door.

Ewww no way. Tell him to do one. I’ll be honest, I would want to look around where my kids were gonna live, but I’d go about snooping in a better way. Probably go with “let me help you with the move”. This doesn’t come from a place of concern tho, or even noseyness it is definitely just control. Be glad you’re rid of him OP and don’t let him in your new house.

@HelloHelloHelpNeeded OF COURSE your controlling CF of an ex' has NO right to veto your house - or your choice of child-minder (assuming they're properly registered with Ofsted or a registered childminder agency). Whilst I'd be sorely tempted to tell him to FOTTFSOF, I'd just ensure you're not in when he arrives unannounced i.e. don't answer the door and pretend you're not in!

This

If you’ve been in a controlling and coercive relationship it can be difficult to know what’s true and what’s not. You’re used to the abuse from your partner and will have lived with whatever threats, physical violence, gaslighting and other tactics and mechanisms for control they used. Once the relationship has ended the ex partner often tries to find different ways to try to exercise control and to that end can try to weaponise matters around any children involved. That’s what’s happening here, and OP has been so conditioned to the methods her ex used for control that she doesn’t recognise it. She’s clearly unprepared for his ongoing efforts to control her because she thought that had ended with the relationship. It’s not unusual and entirely understandable. It doesn’t say anything about the OP other than speaking to the trauma caused by his behaviour, and sitting in judgement isn’t appropriate.

OP he sounds just like my controlling ex, you’ve moved away and he won’t like that he isn’t controlling the situation hence his ridiculous threats. I know it’s hard and if your like me then you probably give in to a lot of these demands in hope they will be reasonable. It never works though, I would msg back and say he has no rights to step foot in your home or get involved with your childcare and that if he has any safeguarding concerns he can use the correct channels.

Ive also found that ignoring his msgs, that aren’t directly related to the kids or just giving him a thumbs up has really helped.

You get so used to the controlling behaviour that it’s hard to see through it but it does get better especially now you will have some distance from him.

Good luck with the relocation and try be as firm as you can with him 😊

Hi HelloHelloHelpNeeded
You do not have to give your Ex your new address. If you have already I would tell him he is wasting his time coming as you won’t be at home. You may have a child with this man but that doesn’t give him the right to have any information about you - where you work, live or play.
If you have a Court order for contact with your child you can arrange for handovers at a neutral venue - cafe or coffee shop for example. Choose somewhere convenient for you and where there are people around.
Regarding Ex vetoing the Childminder - he cannot do this - just make sure that the Childminder you choose is a registered person. Also if your Ex is harassing you like this you could go to Court to take out a
Non Molestation order against him. You can do this yourself without a need for a Solicitor. Women’s Aid could give you advice.
Please remember - your Ex is your Ex; and for good reasons by the sound of things.
The only consideration is the child that you have together. If you do not have a Court Order arrangement for your Ex to have contact with your child I would strongly advise that you apply to Court for an order. In view of this man’s behaviour I would want only Supervised Contact ie in a Contact Centre. My concern would be that your Ex may choose not to return your child after a period of unsupervised contact. He is demonstrating behaviour that suggests that he doesn’t believe that you can provide safe, suitable care and living accommodation.
Take care and get advice asap

No.

I can see why you LTB. You are well out of it.