To not really like leaving the children with DH?

@blueberryshake only just noticed your reply.

No it’s not normal that he forgot to give them a drink. His explanation about the water bottles is a very lousy excuse to cover up his can’t-be-bothered attitude.

Sadly it’s not just your H,there’s a lot of them actively avoiding doing domestic stuff which they think it’s beneath them-after all it’s a wimmin’s job, isn’t it?

When this “I forgot” becomes acceptable? When your child requires medical attention because the lazy parent “forgot” the suncream so you have a badly sunburnt child?
Or when you have to take your child to the dentist for a filling because the lazy parent “forgot” to brush their teeth (again) and fed them sugary crap?

Oh and obviously it’s you who has to arrange an appointment, tend to your child and take time off work?

You’re in the worst and messy part of bringing the children. They are (and will be for a while)of age that they need constant supervision and assistance.

You need a partner not another person that creates more job for you with their lax attitude.
Have a serious chat with your H and lay down the expectations.
The house is not a museum but it shouldn’t be a pig sty eigher.
He needs to pull his finger out and take care of his kids properly. He also lives there so all domestic chores/tasks should be shared.

This. They will figure it out. You will just have to relinquish control more.

Stop buying the snacks and always leave it to him to tidy up whatever mess has been created while you were out. Phrase it as, "OK, I'll make dinner while you're clearing up" or something like that, and never budge.

Most of that sounds fine, you need to prioritise your you time instead of trying to make him the perfect parent. It’s only screens and snacks. If there was any danger that’d be different

No this is not normal, and you need to be thinking longer term.

Do you want your sons to grow into teenagers and model their behaviour on your DH and become lazy men?

Do you want them to watch and think that domrstic tasks etc are solely womens work?

Is your DH going to back you and offer proper parenting and rules if your teenagers are being difficult, when they've likely become taller and stronger than you?

Once they hit school will he be too lazy to sit down and help them learn to read?

If his answer is just to put them in front of a screen now, this could only get more problematic as they get older and more curious.

You really need to be having some conversations, maybe some counselling, if you're wanting to stay with this man.

Best of luck.

I don’t think your husband’s behaviour is normal, but I do think you just need to leave him to it for longer periods of time so that he learns how to step up.

Not feeding or giving small children a drink would soon end in horrible tears in our house, something even a useless caregiver would realise. Similarly, letting them watch endless episodes of rubbish tv would soon end in terrible behaviour for mine!

I think you probably need to leave him to it for longer periods of time so he sees the outcome of his parenting, rather than you coming in to pick up the pieces.

You wanted to know if this is normal. I don't think it's normal for your parenting styles to be so far apart, no. I do think it's normal for your parenting styles not to line up completely, and for compromises to have to be made. In our case it was me who was a little more permissive than my husband. I don't think I was lazy like your husband, but I would on occasion let the kids watch another episode of their favorite tv show, for example (which was for my benefit really to give me a few extra minutes to myself). Whereas my husband would be stricter on screen time, even if it meant more work for him. The important thing is that we were able to talk through our approaches (out of earshot of the kids) and what we thought was most important, and each make compromises where necessary.

9am Saturday. Dh, I am going out for an hour. I’ve realised I choose not to go anywhere on my own anymore, because every time I leave you with the kids the house is totally trashed, and I spend hours tidying it. That doesn’t happen to you. There is no additional cost to you of going out. I’m fed up. So on Saturday, I’m going out. When I return, if the house is trashed, I’m leaving again for a couple of hours. This will keep happening, I will keep turning around and walking back out again, if I have to book a hotel for the week. We need to make our relationship more even so I get support in it too, this will make more work for you, but it’s work I’ve always done for you. Time to step up, off I go.

you need to insist he step up.

This is ridiculous. Clearly you have spent time around many useless men or been partnered with one.

Don't have kids with someone who thinks parenting and raising a child is the job of the person who grew them. ESPECIALLY don't go on to repeat the first mistake twice, by having a second (sadly I've even seen thirds!) when the first is already saddled with a rubbish, disengaged parent.

YABU to remain with this man.

Genuine question: what was he like with your eldest? Involved? Engaged? Adequate? Didn't leave them dehydrated or starving? Or try palm them off on a screen?

I'm just always fascinated with cases like this, as to whether the person was an amazing parent to the first and then went under with the second, which can happen, or whether they were subpar with the first but the couple decided to plough on adding another kid to the mix anyway.

I can't get past the not giving them water thing, sorry.

Some men, undoubtedly. Don’t have children with those ones.

Some men - not all. DH and I discussed before we got married 30 years ago joint responsibilities for the home and children. We have both continued with our careers and I had no worries when I needed to work away from home. We didn’t have any family living in the UK to support so had to be well organised and worked as a team

Woops - yes many people have shitty partners who don’t step up. This simmering resentment left unaddressed leads to an unhappy relationship which will eventually reach boiling point, traumatizing the children in the process as well as setting a horrific example of inequality. But at least you are not the only one living this, so you can validate your reluctance to address this and justify your false belief that your options are only to suck it up or LTB, rather than address your relationship problem.

Is that better?

Men are just conditioned into thinking that childcare is our job. They don’t prioritise it like we do and don’t think of their kids needs like we do.

On the whole they are lazy and expect us to tell them what to do. They may prioritise their job which is where all their brain power is focused on - not the house or children - in their mind, it’s clearly the woman’s job. End of.

@blueberryshakebecause parenting is a mix, right? Mostly healthy food but snacks and short cuts when time/energy isn't on your side. Mostly games and crafts and outings, but screen time and chilling out in between.

If he ONLY does the lazier options, that's a him issue and he needs to step up.

If he does both and you focus on the "bad" things, that's a you issue.

My DH might spend a morning with the 1yo and 4yo watching Sesame St and eating cereal but I know he's shattered from working a double shift and will take them to the park after, so it's a non issue.

I've forgotten loads of things. I'm usually the one in the playground trying to take the kids back a day early.

I don't think it's me with a narrow view of what a good man is. I agree with you. I don't think having different standards OR being genuinely bad at one aspect of parenting means you're useless as a parent or a human.

Exactly. These types of post are both looking for absolution for poor choices and an r cause not to do anything about it. I don’t know men like this. DH is probably a more hands-on parent than I am in terms of taking DS to activities and cooking good food for him. I have been going away for work or fun for a week at a time since DS was two, without a second thought.

Nope. You need to think that so you can absolve yourself of responsibility for the choices you made.
But it's not true.

To answer your question about "if it's just you", I can definitely relate to some of your criticisms, but they're counterbalanced by a

For example, my husband definitely doesn't tidy as he goes and the floor ends up littered with stuff. Very annoying, but his job to fix at the end (grumbling at doing it in free time as if he couldn't have sorted it through the day...).

He also doesn't pay much attention to the "flow" of snacks - i.e. he ends up stuffed with snacks and not sitting down for dinner, or he gets hangry because he didn't offer food a reasonable interval.

He also resorts to screen time too often, and misses the cue that our son is bored and wants to play now.

These sort of things are annoying but not terminally annoying. It means he gets an aggy toddler where he could have had a pleasant one, but that's for him to deal with the consequences of.

However the good flipsides are:

• he's stricter than me with behaviour and stopping bad habits
• food is always healthy
• he's better at some interactive play/songs/games
• he's good at encouraging personal tidiness/care etc

So, are there good flipsides, strengths, positives?

Or can he change the odd nappy and that's it?

I wonder how many mums would admit to sometimes behaving exactly as the DH did here… don’t tell me there aren’t any 😉

And I think you have a very narrow view indeed of what a good man is.

People have other qualities, and I have my own limitations. My husband will clean up all the horrible messes that need to be, won't let me do the grim stuff like cleaning up dog accidents, does all our life admin like researching cheapest options and bills, does the DIY, works incredibly hard, volunteers time with charity, cooks when he has time and very well, looks after the elderly in our community and spoils us rotten to name just a few.

He does not appear to have the executive function required for quality childcare. He just doesn't and gets overwhelmed easily with it.
This is not what your husband is like but many are without being toxic people. And it doesn't disqualify them from being good dads.

I think this is weaponised incompetence. I know you say it’s not but I think it is, personally.

Open your mind that, on some level, conscious or unconscious, your OH thinks parenting is your job and all he has to do is make sure they’ve eaten something and not killed each other.

You’re being ridiculous! It’s just a bit of extra screen time and (horror of horrors!) a bit of mess to tidy up.
This post says more about you than it does hubby.

I don't think you understand what a bad father is.

You know I'm from a culture where we bathe every day, cream our skin, change our kids nappies after every wee we know about, our kids don't speak back to us, our kids are told what to wear and when (they won't be in shorts in winter), they eat what we cook, they respect elders. People who do not do these things and whose kids are rude and disobedient, we count as bad, dirty parents. It's taken some time for me to realise that the dominant culture here isn't just full of shitty, lazy parents - it's just your cultural norms. And some people always better at some things than others.

You guys debate their your kids need to eat proper food, feed your kids twizzlers while you have "adult" gourmet meals, don't bathe yourselves or your kids very often, let your kids wear what they want in the middle of a snow storm. For me, the majority of your parenting views on here are somewhere between disgusting and bizarre, but folk are different. Long as your kids are loved and safe, that's the main thing. I'm not going to go on about how nasty you are and the things my grandma would say about you.