Am I a terrible daughter

"She has made you responsible for her needs, her happiness, well being and every aspect of her life. Therefore tying you indefinitely into the fabric of her life, serving her and looking after her.
I also thought my mother was an absolute angel, I adored my mother. My dh was the only person who questioned the dynamic, and said so. She was my whole world. She made sure of it." @Feelingmuchbetter.

Thank you for this. You've written what I couldn't articulate and my DM has been exactly like this. And similarly to you, it wasn't until my DH questioned it, did I realise what was happening. I've been married 25 years now and still feel dragged into the F.O.G where my DM is concerned, especially now that she is 80 and disabled. It's exhausting.

My DH is my voice of reason so when I know something doesn't feel right, I ask him and he gives me his opinion which usually aligns with the niggly worry I have that I always used to suppress in my desire to make sure DM was ok and happy with what I was doing. As a result, DM and I have had our spats and those have only ever occurred when I've said 'no' to her demands. Funny that...

OP you sound lovely; you have done your best with making your DM happy but the more you give, the more she'll want and it won't EVER be enough - no matter what you do. Trust me. I'm 55 and still feeling the pressure despite pushing back. YANBU to want to set up boundaries and say 'no' to her on occasion.

If your mum is so helpless when you are around, how on earth does she get out of bed and get dressed in the morning?

This sounds a very difficult situation for you.

I would suggest going back to her siblings and telling them what she is like with you and asking them if she behaves like this with them. Maybe they don't see what you see for a good reason.

I am not sure op is ready to look at the truth, her emeshment is rock solid and she can’t seem to bring herself to really question the motivation of her mother’s actions nor the harm it is likely to cause in the long term. The loss of herself, her marriage, her right to decide even how she spends her own time. So much that is sacrificed and unseen.

As for boundary setting, I am not an expert in your mum's kind of carry-on at all but I might start with a light-hearted laugh "oh mum don't be silly, of course you can do that yourself" - then if she whinges/pushes back, in a kindly voice "oh mum don't be daft, you know I won't have time to do that when baby arrives" "you know what having a baby is like" etc- as though you have already discussed it and she has already agreed. So if she argues she'll be contradicting her own expertise.

It suits your Mum for you to believe she is "vulnerable" It may even suit her to believe it herself.

But you really don't have to pander to it, and in fact allowing her to continue to neglect herself so RoseDaliah does everything for "poor Mum" is likely to literally send her to an early grave.

As someone maybe 5 years younger than your mum, and about to shower after this evening's 5k run, let me tell you I am truly embarrassed on her behalf.

A woman in her early 70s with no health issues/disability can't cut up her own food or press the button on the remote, and has become 'doddery'? Do me a favour. My DF at 78 is still working, driving, cooking meals and doing washing.

OP your mum has chosen to become less able to try to keep you concentrating on her, now that she's going to have to compete with a baby for your undivided attention. You've clearly been enmeshed and parentified your whole life so can't see the woods for the trees.

Your mum isn't going to change her demands, and isn't going to like it when you try to put in boundaries. So you will have to be really strong and firm. Access counselling if you can or at least look into enmeshment, parentification and FOG.

Just don’t feel disappointed if she won’t do it op. You can try, but keep your expectations low.

You're a lovely daughter. Please don't think for a moment that an inability to help your mum as much because of changes in your own life makes you remiss. There are people (who will post on here) who wouldn't do anywhere near what you do and would show no empathy or care for her struggles. I think you need to have a think about what you can realistically offer going forward. Then sit down and explain to her what that will be. How much of you you can give and what would she prioritise during that time, and how can she fill the gaps. So it might be things like teaching her to do some of the tasks you do for her for example. If she is as generous and caring as you, then hopefully she will work with you to gain some independence, for your sake if not her own.

Your mother is a covert narcissist and you are the parent in the relationship, and that’s probably the way it’s been since you were old enough to listen. She has made your responsible for her needs, her happiness, well being and every aspect of her life. Therefore tying you indefinitely into the fabric of her life, serving her and looking after her.

I also thought my mother was an absolute angel, I adored my mother. My dh was the only person who questioned the dynamic, and said so. She was my whole world. She made sure of it.

When I had my first baby she decorated her spare room and thought we would raise the baby together. It would be something we would do together and initially it broke my heart to say I had different ideas. Wanted to make friends with other mothers etc and enjoy my own baby. I felt so awful and guilty and mean. She tainted so much of those years with her quietly but persistent demands. I felt I had two dc and was completely overwhelmed. Her insistence on being a priority helped me to see she was doing this for HERSELF not for me. I noticed when my baby was rushed to hospital that she was most interested in how this impacted her not my baby - nor me.

She was incredibly helpful at times. By the time I had my second child she had become really quite difficult, creating drama for attention and making everything about her. There was a lot of tension. I began to see that she was constantly manipulating me to get her own way. I tried to reason with her. Explain how hard it was, but nothing worked, she resorted to creating medical emergencies and such like.

I moved house in the end, and she hit the roof, and vowed never to forgive me, that I had abandoned her and she threw everything at me. She pulled all kinds of awful stunts. I realised that I was never getting my own emotional needs met, everything was always about her.

Nowdays, we are low contact. I can see very clearly how she plays victim for non stop attention. That she doesn’t have the capacity to love me, she only loves what I do for her. I am not a whole person with needs - I am just an extension of her in her own eyes.

In your place I would:

Pull back and start building an independent network

Start saying no and asking yourself what you want to do, how you feel.

Encourage other family members to take over.

Organise for her to see a real therapist

Put boundaries around your time and marriage

Recommend she goes into a home unless she can eat adequately and function normally like switching on a TV

Look up covert narcissism and recovery for the adult child. Parentifiction. Co dependent relationships and emeshment.

You have to start putting yourself first, your baby first today. Your mother needs to learn to adapt, faster the better.

With all kindness, you're completely enmeshed with your mother, which is understandable considering some of the past experiences you described. I also expect things will become more difficult once baby arrives with more statements of vulnerability and urgent need coming up from mum.

I'd suggest you speak to the wider family. Only because your mum refuses help, it does not mean you need to refuse it too.

Your mother has parentified you as she's aged and become totally dependent. It's very unhealthy both physically and mentally for both of you. It's draining you physically, mentally, and financially.

I mean, she won't cut her damn food or click a remote button. That is a horrific degree of learned helplessness and you've enabled it.

You're going to have to concentrate on your truly vulnerable infant. Your baby needs you for survival. That is your full time job. Boundaries.

Your mom's going to have to adult. She has family but they probably won't enable her degree of helplessness.

If she could be a responsible carer for a family member, she can care for herself.

I say this with kindness....your Mother doesn't love you. She loves what you bring to her life and what you provide for her.

My guess is that she's a covert narcissist

Certainly she has parentified you and you are horribly enmeshed ....neither of which indicate love

Its so difficult for you because you are so young but you need to find ways to draw some strong and bullet proof boundaries now, before baby

I've been where you are. It took me til I was 38 to START the boundaries

Dreadful waste of a LOT of my life

It sounds as though she has made herself more elderly than she really is. She doesn't eat properly or look after herself but this is all her choice. You have been parentified by her so that you have always looked after her, rather than the other way round. You will need all your attention to be on your new baby and your mum will have to stop relying on your so much.

The fact that you felt you had to give her a reason she couldn't be at the birth really shows how enmeshed and parentified you are. Second the suggestion on reading up on it and emotional incest. You are her surrogate husband, not sexually, emotionally. I sympathise, as a vey small child my mum said she'd kill herself if it wasn't for me. Also listen to the Patrauma party podcast, couple of episodes on enmeshment.

And risk become a carer to an elderly parent as well?! There’s very little help that can’t be bought. Start encouraging this now. The needs of someone at the end of life don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs.
Any child that has moved a parent in that I know has ended up on an antidepressants.
OP do NOT do this.

I know what I say will not be very popular here, but if my mother were this poorly, I'd probably moved her in or moved in with her. It's obvious that she needs your help. It's difficult, because you're now yourself about to become a mom. Would that be even possible - could she help you out with a baby in such a scenario? It's a terrible situation, I know... is there anyone else that could help her and keep her company - her siblings maybe?

Is there not any clubs she can join, flower arranging, historical societies, bridge, bingo , coffee mornings, volunteering, etc etc , that might get her to focus on something other than her family
She’s really not that old at 70

Sounds v much like my DM. If you don't change the dynamics now, I promise you, it'll just get worse.
Unfortunately, you'll have to be a bit brutal if she's not realised how her behaviour is impacting you. You need to explain how you can't be doing all the previous stuff you did, with having a baby...'sorry mum but you're going to have to take a back seat from now on as I can't do everything with you plus a baby'.

She won't be happy but she'll have to learn to accept it. The more you say no to her, the easier it'll be in the long run.

You aren’t a terrible daughter the same way she isn’t a terrible mum.

But the basis of your relationship needs to change because you are about to become a daughter and a mum.

you need to out in boundaries and make it clear that your DC needs you and you can be there at X Y or Z time.

Family dynamics are complex but you have a right to set your own boundaries.

She will honestly understand when you have a baby you need to establish boy diaries early on. Say you are super tired. I will bring baby round on Saturday... And stick to it.
Let her help you. This may be a chance for her to feel needed. Ask her would she out a wash on for you , little easy things, cook an easy meal. Etc. But .. when you ask

Turning a TV on?! You aren’t a terrible daughter, her expectations and requests are way off l am afraid. It’s not your fault she relies on you so much. It sounds like she has a wider family who could potentially support. It’s not your fault she isn’t very open with them. I think you need to start gently managing her expectations more e.g. like you did about the birth. For example the day after getting out of hospital then l doubt turning her TV on will be a priority

Sending sympathy. My relationship with my own mother has been tricky since l had children. I think she thought having children would mean l have more time to support and indulge her but l really don’t (not sure why she thought l would!). I regularly get told how selfish and dreadful l am 🙄. Reality is l am run ragged as l have twins, work full time and my own health has gone down hill in this time. It often feels subconsciously like it’s a competition between her and my children in her mind

It’s ok to say, “I’m sorry that doesn’t work for me”. Start getting comfortable saying ‘no’. YANBU.