Other people's children- commenting on the parenting of others

lawmum3 · 2025-05-06T07:57:42+00:00

We have just returned from a weekend away with friends and respective children. All of the families bar one have children of a similar age (7-12). The exception have slightly older boys at 13 and 15. The exception family genuinely seem to think their kids can do no wrong and can be left "unparented" because of their ages. They also allow their kids to swear - which is their choice but uncomfortable when they allow it in front of the other families' children. The parents of the teens genuinely believe they are amazing parents and give the rest of us parenting tips. Tips that- it is safe to say- we do not follow. On our return from the weekend away, I found out that my 12 year old son was slapped across his face by the 15 year old (who is tall and broad and a good 8 or so inches taller than my son) because my son annoyed him. I feel that the slapping is completely inappropriate given the age (and size) difference between the children. It is clear that my son was too intimidated to mention it at the time of the weekend away because the 15 year old was still present and is still a bit shook up by it. My son has younger siblings himself and they do occasionally physically fight (and told off for it). However, the experience of being hit by someone considerably bigger and older has clearly rattled him. There are also issues with the 13 year old child of this family. He does furtive mean things to the younger children (nothing too sinister- things like removing toys to deliberately upset them - nothing dangerous). However, I feel like he needs to be watched at all times. In our group situations, this seems to fall on the other parents to do, as his own parents think as he is older, he does not need close supervision. I feel awful that I did not know that the slap happened at the time. We were all in a holiday house and not all the people were in the same room at the same time all of the time (we were spread out across the garden, bedrooms, lounges). As we do not see this friendship group too often, I am tempted to not say anything. By the time we meet up again- possibly in a year's time- I will just need to ensure that my kids have an even wider berth from the older troublesome teens. However, I have a doubt about this "burying my head in the sand" approach; is it better to put a marker down and make the parents aware? As I feel at the moment, I am not inclined to see the teen family at all. I am not the sort of person who likes to exclude others, so it's a tricky situation: it is not as simple as "just don't invite that family in future"- we have been meeting up as the same group (with or without kids) for more than twenty years. It would be obvious if we simply stopped inviting one family. I think my question is: at what point is it appropriate to comment on other parents' discipline/parenting approaches?

Original poster

lawmum3 · 06/05/2025 17:05

averythinline · 06/05/2025 16:23

The slapping is not on and it's good your son brought it up... Even if after the fact as he could have bottled it up completely.. especially as this is such a long standing group..... You sound a bit smug on your view of their parenting...but wait til you have teens....
Re the trip next year I too would wait.. maybe take a year out.. camping is much more open but the teens in our group made their own mini camp beside ours from about 13 in their own tents ..
The age/maturity issues with teens and kids is tricky to manage we had a couple of years with different groupings as those with the younger age didn't want them around the language/conversation ot teens.... Now ours are all older its much easier but we had a particularly difficult year with 1 kid still at primary and some gcse age

Maybe they'll take a year out aa their teens may not want to go .

although I can't believe you think you're children are not hearing swearing daily at school ..well maybe not the 7yr old but by end of primary here .

I am in no means intending to be smug- my experience of parenting to date is that it only gets harder. Even more so when other people's parenting is brought in (and I dared to ask for opinions on MN....that is asking for trouble!)

I know my kids have heard swear words. I am not naive. But I am saying that, in a group setting with mixed ages, it would be good for parents to not let their teens swear (when they know the other families have younger children). If you are deemed mature enough to swear then you should also be mature enough to rein it in at the appropriate time. When I say they swore, I mean it was every other word- it wasn't used to express emotion, it was just that swear words were liberally sprinkled throughout every other sentence. I think it was performative swearing from both the teens and their parents; for the teens it was showing everyone that they were allowed to say whatever they wished and for the parents it was showing everyone how cool and relaxed they are. And if that makes me smug and judgemental, then so be it!

OP posts:

averythinline · 06/05/2025 16:23

The slapping is not on and it's good your son brought it up... Even if after the fact as he could have bottled it up completely.. especially as this is such a long standing group..... You sound a bit smug on your view of their parenting...but wait til you have teens....
Re the trip next year I too would wait.. maybe take a year out.. camping is much more open but the teens in our group made their own mini camp beside ours from about 13 in their own tents ..
The age/maturity issues with teens and kids is tricky to manage we had a couple of years with different groupings as those with the younger age didn't want them around the language/conversation ot teens.... Now ours are all older its much easier but we had a particularly difficult year with 1 kid still at primary and some gcse age

Maybe they'll take a year out aa their teens may not want to go .

although I can't believe you think you're children are not hearing swearing daily at school ..well maybe not the 7yr old but by end of primary here .

Anon501178 · 06/05/2025 13:00

In your situation I would be contacting the parents and informing in no uncertain terms how unacceptable their teenager's behaviour was, and how much it has upset your child.
Then I would not ever be subjecting him to be in their presence again.And wouldn't see them myself again either.
Would you be seeing the boys mum again if SHE had hit YOU around the face?!

Sounds like this teen and his brother have had bad lazy uninvolved and uncaring parenting and are taking this trauma out on vulnerable kids through bullying them.It's completely unacceptable for a 15yo to lash out like that towards a younger child, especially one who isn't a sibling!
I'm wondering if he has possibly learnt that sort of behaviour from his parent/s either witnessing DV or having had it done to him.But at his age he should be taking responsibility for his actions.

Your post seems very much like you are putting worrying too much about what others think and keeping up appearances above the welfare of your son OP....
You need to put him first and stand up to those who have done wrong to teach him that it's not okay to let others treat him that way!

Original poster

lawmum3 · 06/05/2025 12:35

MattCauthon · 06/05/2025 11:02

I think you were right to say something but you are at risk of a problem because she will not believe you and/or will think her son was justified. I speak from experience with my sister and nephew.

It is difficult to manage these sorts of things in larger groups but I would encourage your ds to a) keep away from the older child and b) to come straight to you if there's a problem in future.

I also suspect that if this family have always had a bit of an odd parenting style , with children who are somewhat unpleasant, there's also a "vibe" that may be subtle, but that nonetheless exists. this can be tricky. It's also entirely likely they give the rest of you so much "advice" because they're aware that you judge their parenting and children (rightly or wrongly).

I would say that a 13 and 16 year old definitely should need less supervision and in that they're right. But it's also normal and appropriate for younger children who then feel bullied etc, to be able to come to the adults and say what has happened.

Thank you. Yes, they sort of see themselves as the "capable grown ups" of the group: they married before us and had their kids first. In our twenties, they were the "mature" ones and they would dole out advice. Now we are all in our forties, married with kids and careers and we neither ask for nor want advice. However, they cannot break what is the habit of a lifetime. I appreciate that this post makes them sound rather monstrous but they are just ordinary people with perhaps an inflated view of their own capabilities and parenting abilities. Whereas perhaps I am more self-critical so can appear that I am less capable than I am.

I try not to judge their parenting. I am aware I am not perfect and we are all learning as we go along. It's only when their parenting impacts my parenting that there is the scope for clashing: because I try to avoid my children being in situations where they hear swearing (or worse, are sworn at). We don't condone hitting (whereas they seem to allow their teens to hit each other and, apparently, my kid).

I have seen the earlier comments about not forcing all the kids together and perhaps trying to organise more adult-only get togethers. I think this may become more feasible as the children get older.

I agree that, generally speaking, teens should not need close monitoring. However, I think in this case they do need monitoring around the other children and this is what I will try to put into place in the event there is a future meet up.

OP posts:

IveGotAnUnusuallyLargePelvisISwear · 06/05/2025 11:09

If you tell them what their child did to yours the not inviting them in the future might sort itself out- they sound like the type of parents who would insist their child would never do that so would probably rattle them. They sound like smug dicks anyway. I 2 teenagers and a baby and many of mine and my husband’s friends have kids in between those age groups. I/we would never dream of dishing out parenting advice to others unless it was specifically asked for. So arrogant.

Your poor boy btw, dealing with that by himself until he told you.

MattCauthon · 06/05/2025 11:02

I think you were right to say something but you are at risk of a problem because she will not believe you and/or will think her son was justified. I speak from experience with my sister and nephew.

It is difficult to manage these sorts of things in larger groups but I would encourage your ds to a) keep away from the older child and b) to come straight to you if there's a problem in future.

I also suspect that if this family have always had a bit of an odd parenting style , with children who are somewhat unpleasant, there's also a "vibe" that may be subtle, but that nonetheless exists. this can be tricky. It's also entirely likely they give the rest of you so much "advice" because they're aware that you judge their parenting and children (rightly or wrongly).

I would say that a 13 and 16 year old definitely should need less supervision and in that they're right. But it's also normal and appropriate for younger children who then feel bullied etc, to be able to come to the adults and say what has happened.

user1492757084 · 06/05/2025 10:51

Tell your firends of their child's behaviour in a telephone calldirect with mother.. Just to keep them informed. Suggest a written note of apology to your child might be nice. (Don't be upset ifthere is nothing done.)

Prepare befor next meeing those kids.
Be perfectly clear with your children that hitting is not on and that the older child was out of line.
Ask your children to tell you immediately if it happens again.
Be watchful and respond if it does occur. Hopefully the boy has learnt some better social interaction skills.

Original poster

lawmum3 · 06/05/2025 10:50

Gerwurtztraminer · 06/05/2025 10:41

I think the other families deserve to know about the slap. Maybe after you have received an answer from the teenagers parents so you can include that response (especially if it's not suitably apologetic and promises to ensure it doesn't happen again). The other parents in the group have the right to decide whether to go to future catch ups with all the information and you are wrong to withhold that. It could just as easily be their children who get hit or worse in future and if it then comes out this happened to your son they would be justifiably upset with you for not telling them.

Turn it around, what if you found out now that one of the other children hade been hit at the last group event and no one told you? How would you feel now your own child has been hit?

No long term adult friendships are worth forcing your kids to have to pout up with violence. My mother used to make us spent time with the kids of her friends and some of them were awful to us younger ones. I still resent that she wanted to socialise more than protect us.

edited to add: I don't think its fair to put the responsibility for deciding whether to go next time onto your son. He's too young for that decision; it's yours as the parents.

Edited

The decision whether or not to go would not be on my son. I would just ascertain how he is feeling at that time.

OP posts:

Gerwurtztraminer · 06/05/2025 10:41

I think the other families deserve to know about the slap. Maybe after you have received an answer from the teenagers parents so you can include that response (especially if it's not suitably apologetic and promises to ensure it doesn't happen again). The other parents in the group have the right to decide whether to go to future catch ups with all the information and you are wrong to withhold that. It could just as easily be their children who get hit or worse in future and if it then comes out this happened to your son they would be justifiably upset with you for not telling them.

Turn it around, what if you found out now that one of the other children hade been hit at the last group event and no one told you? How would you feel now your own child has been hit?

No long term adult friendships are worth forcing your kids to have to pout up with violence. My mother used to make us spent time with the kids of her friends and some of them were awful to us younger ones. I still resent that she wanted to socialise more than protect us.

edited to add: I don't think its fair to put the responsibility for deciding whether to go next time onto your son. He's too young for that decision; it's yours as the parents.

HuskyNew · 06/05/2025 10:36

I think next time you need to agree parenting boundaries upfront. Ie talk about the fact that there’s a big difference between 10 & 16 or whatever the gap is, and how that should be handled. it definitely sounds like the teens are immature & need handling better. For context, we went away at Easter with a group ranging from 5, lots age 9-13ish then a 17 & 19yo. the older teens were amazing with the younger ones - actively looking out for them and certainly not stealing toys or physical abuse!! It may have suited the families to go on these trips for many years, but you might find it doesn’t suit the next generation at all. They’re being forced together, not choosing their friends

Octavia64 · 06/05/2025 10:36

We had similar but it was with family (sil’s kids)

we couldn’t refuse to see them but we did have a “parent policy” which was basically we decided that one or other of us would be supervising our children at all times. We took shifts.

SIL was happy to tell off her kids if they did hit but hers were just a bit more feral than our s could cope with.

hers were younger in this case.

we never did persuade her to supervise them.

we did cut down the amount of times we visited family and stayed overnight much less as it was very tiring.

BlondiePortz · 06/05/2025 10:33

Do your children watn to be with them again? I would let them lead what happens

But this is more a general comment but why would parents assuw kids want to holiday together, unless they choose too of course

BlueMum16 · 06/05/2025 10:30

I'm glad you've raised it.

If you do go again for a meet up then can you suggest ahead of time that the older children and adults do not swear in front of the younger, impressionable children. That avoids that issue at least.

Original poster

lawmum3 · 06/05/2025 10:25

Thank you for all the responses. I have made the parents aware and firmly but politely said that I am not happy and it's upset my son. I will see how they respond.

It will be more than a year before a next in-person meet up is likely due to the geography of where everyone lives/school holidays etc. If something looks like it will be lined up, I will speak to my son at that time and see if he is happy to go or not- or if he would prefer not to go.

I have spoken to some of the parents within the wider group and I know others are not happy with the way that the teens are acting with the younger children (it is not just the physical side but also the swearing and inappropriate conversations). No other adults were aware of the slap. I will leave the discussions with the wider group there as otherwise we risk it turning into a situation where we are all talking about this one family behind their back rather than dealing with the issue.

I agree that future meet ups may need a different structure. Previously we have camped which gives each family their own space for sleeping but the rest of the time everyone is together within an open space. This trip was different as it was in a holiday house so there were different rooms for people to congregate in and it was whilst some of the kids were in a different room to others that the altercation occurred. I would vote to go back to camping but I know that the other families tend to prefer a house for comfort and amenities.

I see that it looks very black and white when it's written in a post like this. Slapping = unacceptable. However, as with all things in life, it is more nuanced; there are long-standing relationships here that risk being damaged if offence is caused. But I agree that my son's wellbeing is paramount which is why I have raised it.

OP posts:

Trampmum · 06/05/2025 10:05

I agree with PP who said mention the slap but not the parenting style. Keep it factual: this happened, and currently DS is not comfortable to go away with your DC again.

Feelings will inevitably be high on both sides (I would very much want to discuss the parenting style of any kid who assaulted my DC) but that is all the more reason to stick to the facts.

Greenqueen40 · 06/05/2025 09:55

I can't believe you would even contemplate not mentioning it! Stick up for your son and let his parents (and the rest of your friends) know what happened. My son would be going nowhere near them ever again!

senua · 06/05/2025 09:52

I'd raise it with the 15 y.o.'s parents.
I'd then inform the other parents (how you do this depends on the outcome of the first point). After all, how would you feel if you knew that one of the group knew about this behaviour but didn't give you the heads-up?
Then the way forward is a group decision, not just yours.

softlyfallsthesnow · 06/05/2025 09:51

Ask your son if he'd like to go away with them again, specifically the face slapper. I think you know what he'll say. He's not going to be looking forward to it, is he?

Tell the parents. They can - and will - laugh it off but you will have done your son a favour.

Ablondiebutagoody · 06/05/2025 09:34

You can mention the hitting without commenting on their parenting style. Then prior to the next trip you can ask them how they propose to stop it happening again.

Also get your son some boxing lessons, will do wonders for his confidence, and instruct him to punch the kid in the mouth should it happen again. 8 inches is nothing.

JoyousEagle · 06/05/2025 09:33

I would tell them. And I wouldn’t go away with them again, and if asked would say why.

Namerequired · 06/05/2025 09:29

You definitely need to bring it up with them. At those ages they shouldn’t need a high level of supervision so the parents aren’t wrong there. But maybe in these scenarios they do. However they can’t fix things if they don’t know.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 06/05/2025 09:28

You can tell the parents but they'll either deny it or downplay it. I wouldn't bother, but I would not go away with them again. Slapping my child is not on

ARichtGoodDram · 06/05/2025 09:27

I would bring it up with them.

You've found out about it, you're not happy and in future if their child has a problem with your child you expect it to be raised to you and violence isn't acceptable.

They need to know that their 15 year old is likely to get himself in serious trouble - either legal trouble or physical trouble from someone's parent or older brother - by going around belting younger kids. It's simply unacceptable.

wingingit1987 · 06/05/2025 09:24

I would be livid and in no world would I want to be around these people or their kids again. I’d address it directly with the family and make it clear how I felt.

NuffSaidSam · 06/05/2025 09:23

You need to inform them that it happened. You can do this without commenting on their parenting.

Deal with the next meet-up when it happens, maybe their son won't come as he'll be old enough to be left behind, maybe you can go without your kids, maybe you can stay separately etc. What you can't do is make your son spend time with this child again because you're too scared to rock the boat with this other family. That's a terrible example to set for your children.