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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mum turning up unannounced to visit grandchild

193 replies

Justacupoftea123 · 06/05/2025 06:34

Hoping I don’t come across awful here, but that’s partly why I’m asking AIBU.

My mum had me when she was older which means now as a grandparent she is very old considering I have a newborn.

Unfortunately she has various health conditions in old age which have left her with a zimmer and unable to walk unaided or drive herself places. It means she’s reliant on my Dad to take her everywhere, otherwise she’s now sat in the house all day when she was very sociable before.

the issue we’re having is that since this change, it feels like she has become a bit manipulative. We had a baby a month ago and are trying to find a new routine with 2 under 2. As my parents are older, when they come to visit it makes life harder - they can’t help with childcare, will just sit around all day, and either bring tons of food we don’t eat and take over our kitchen at lunch or expect us to make them lunch. They stay for hours on end and will sit and wait in our living room while our toddler naps despite us setting a boundary that they can come for the morning and leave at nap time. Because of the mobility issues it means we can’t do outings on visit days even if it’s nice weather because then my mum can’t participate (she refuses to get a mobility scooter).

I want to give them time with their grandchildren but it’s straining our marriage. My mum messaged to say last time she saw our son he seemed so big now “because she doesn’t see him often” despite having seen him sometimes twice a week (and he’s only a month old). I mentioned that fact and she replied that she appreciates she sees him and wasn’t meaning anything bad by it but it guilt trips me.

She is constantly asking our plans and making me feel like I have to invite her over regularly or that I should be driving to hers (1 hour away). Yesterday it reached a head, I had specifically told her not to come and we had arranged for the day after, however she turned up unannounced when we were on a day trip. We arrived back to her and my dad sitting in the driveway waiting for us. They had been going to let themselves in the house apparently but remember we have security that would alarm. We had been out for a family day and were rushing back for lunch and naptime and running late. I said to her it wasn’t a great time because of that and she said they hadn’t had lunch yet either (aka hinting to come in).

Im feeling very suffocated by it all but AIBU?

OP posts:
Peacepleaselouise · 06/05/2025 07:28

It’s not fair for her to use you as her only form of entertainment. She needs friends/hobbies. Can your dad take her to a local church OAP/seniors club or similar.

Original poster
Justacupoftea123 · 06/05/2025 07:24

@RobinHeartella my dad, bless him, has tried to change a nappy while my mum gave directions. He put it on back to front. They then didn’t dispose of the nappy and we found it that evening hidden in our utility room (guessing my toddler put it there lol).

I wasn’t there when it all went on!

OP posts:
RobinHeartella · 06/05/2025 07:20

Justacupoftea123 · 06/05/2025 07:12

@Ponoka7 My mum had me at 45. And is now late 70s. Her rheumatoid arthritis means she can’t even really fold clothes because of the pain it causes in her hands.

Her idea of childcare now (as it’s all she can manage) is letting our toddler watch TV all day or trying to get him to sit and read stories in the house for hours on end. My toddler is very active and likes to be outside/needs that to tire him out.

My Dad is equally controlled by my mum. He has cancer and tries his best to help. But again, that looks like doing our dishes in the sink - despite us asking him to just use our dishwasher. Or he will try to take our toddler to the park but can’t control him well. I ended up out looking for them after he hadn’t taken a mobile - they weren’t at the park anymore when I arrived, had been out for 2 hours by this point, it was way past lunch time and nap time despite me asking him to be back by then. Turned out my toddler had basically ordered him around and he hadn’t said no. I eventually found them both walking…miles from our home and I was 2 weeks postpartum. My husband was at the shops buying food so it meant I had to drive around despite not being cleared to do so.

i feel both sorry for my dad but also frustrated because he struggles but my mum tells him to take our our toddler to help out, I think because she can’t.

Edited

Wow just read this update. I would have been utterly enraged at your dad. I hope you gave him a solid telling off.

He endangered you by making you drive so recently postpartum (I'm guessing a c section).

I have a rule, if you take my toddler (3yo or below), you have to be contactable and I have to know where you are. I don't think that's unreasonable.

I wouldn't let your parents look after your kids again until the kids are a bit older. Are they even able to change a nappy, with their mobility needs?

Original poster
Justacupoftea123 · 06/05/2025 07:19

@BendingSpoons @Sunnyglowdays @RobinHeartella

thanks! We ended up not inviting them in. I felt awful but had to move past that because I am trying to put my husband and children’s needs first and it wasn’t suitable.

The funny thing is that I do already video call her all the time. In fact when I started mat leave and up until our newborn was a few weeks old I would sometimes call her every day.

shes partly struggling with knowing that we are having other visitors - my husbands family and friends who want to come. They all come for 1-2 hours max though. And then all we want is a few days to ourselves as a family again but think my mum then views that as “her time”

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 06/05/2025 07:16

Did you send them away yesterday? Are they not able to use a phone to let you know they’re coming? I would be really cross at the amount of visits and lack of notice. You need to be firmer and tell your dad not to visit unless pre-arrange. It’s very disrespectful of them to be stamping on your boundaries. I certainly wouldn’t let your dad take out the toddler alone again.

RobinHeartella · 06/05/2025 07:16

Agree with the pp about going upstairs for a rest during naptime, as long as dh doesn't feel obliged to entertain.

Also, just be less pleasant. When I've had a newborn I'm terrible company, exhausted and short tempered. I'd have absolutely no qualms in snapping grumpily at unexpected guests.

About the unwanted food... I recently asked my visiting mum to help me declutter our utility where she found loads of the unwanted food she'd recently given me. Exotic sweets that the kids don't like, and unusual ingredients, I just don't have time to learn how to cook them right now, with fussy kids we basically eat fish cakes or bolognese! She came to me and said she'd stop giving me food and I was so relieved.

BendingSpoons · 06/05/2025 07:14

How frustrating. She turned up when you had plans the next day? She couldn't wait 24 hours? I think you may have to consider not letting them in if they have turned up when you specifically said no, although that may mean she just 'pops by' without asking first.

Original poster
Justacupoftea123 · 06/05/2025 07:12

@Ponoka7 My mum had me at 45. And is now late 70s. Her rheumatoid arthritis means she can’t even really fold clothes because of the pain it causes in her hands.

Her idea of childcare now (as it’s all she can manage) is letting our toddler watch TV all day or trying to get him to sit and read stories in the house for hours on end. My toddler is very active and likes to be outside/needs that to tire him out.

My Dad is equally controlled by my mum. He has cancer and tries his best to help. But again, that looks like doing our dishes in the sink - despite us asking him to just use our dishwasher. Or he will try to take our toddler to the park but can’t control him well. I ended up out looking for them after he hadn’t taken a mobile - they weren’t at the park anymore when I arrived, had been out for 2 hours by this point, it was way past lunch time and nap time despite me asking him to be back by then. Turned out my toddler had basically ordered him around and he hadn’t said no. I eventually found them both walking…miles from our home and I was 2 weeks postpartum. My husband was at the shops buying food so it meant I had to drive around despite not being cleared to do so.

i feel both sorry for my dad but also frustrated because he struggles but my mum tells him to take our our toddler to help out, I think because she can’t.

OP posts:
Sunnyglowdays · 06/05/2025 07:10

Did you let them in or send them away?

RobinHeartella · 06/05/2025 07:07

Yanbu op, that sounds really hard.

Can you specifically invite them on certain dates, and then really emphasise that you won't be seeing them till that date?

I'd be fairly honest with them and say that it's quite hard work looking after 2 under 2 and you can't be entertaining them frequently as well. Tell them it's really not OK to just turn up unexpectedly and the next time they do this you might have to not invite them in. You owe this to your dh and dc, they deserve a bit of peace and rest at home.

Also you could try compensating by doing more frequent video calls - still a slight chore when you're overwhelmed with small kids, but at least more manageable.

CherryBlossom321 · 06/05/2025 07:01

The only way to end it is with enforced boundaries. For example, “Well mum and dad, it’s been lovely to see you this morning and as I mentioned before you arrived, it’s time to leave now as it’s nap time. Bye!” It’s a shame they’ve put you in a position of having to do that, but if needs must. Keep enforcing the time limit. I’d also be busy if they turn up without invitation. Answer the door and express your surprise that they’re on the doorstep - “Oh, hi mum and dad - we weren’t expecting you today. Sorry I can’t invite you in, we have plans today. Check in next time won’t you, so you don’t have a wasted journey. See you soon!”

Hufflemuff · 06/05/2025 06:59

Oh god, this sounds like the episode of Motherland where Jeff and Elizabeth turn up to "help Juila with the childcare".

Next time they do it, give them jobs to do. Like folding laundry or washing up. If they say anything say "well it needs doing and I can't stop it all just because you arrive, so i assume you're happy to help". When it's nap time; say "time for my rest now, I'm going up for my lie down" and literally fuck off upstairs with your phone. They should get the hint!

Ponoka7 · 06/05/2025 06:55

Is it not both your Mum and Dad? She is being driven by him. Are they no help at all? So you could plan a morning visit and them take over the children, while you get something done, that's very difficult with babies? Would your Dad be able to do park outings when the eldest gets bigger? Could they do wrap around nursery, later on? My Mum liked to feel useful, she did my ironing and bits of shopping. It still made her feel part of family life. She had me at 40.
It's really unfair for parents to try to make their adult children their hobby. They (including me, at nearly 60) need to make their own social life.

babasaclover · 06/05/2025 06:51

That is really tough, she is obviously very lonely and wants to see you all BUT it’s too much.

can you visit her instead? That way you control the times and can leave to suit nap time etc?

youreallygotmethere · 06/05/2025 06:51

It sounds like they are becoming very dependent on you for company and for providing something to do for them. This is too much. I think you need to be really clear and say what you can’t cope with such frequent visits with two very small children (because you’ve got lots of other stuff that you have to do, chores etc) . It’s ok to say no. Make sure the no is on text so they can’t claim they forgot

Are they able to do anything else in their life? Hobbies, activities, holidays, park walks, days out? Encourage them to do so, so they’re not reliant on you all the time

Purpleturtle43 · 06/05/2025 06:46

That would really have annoyed me re hanging around at nap time especially. When I had 2 under 2, nap time was precious and I really needed that break in the day when I could rest, especially as they were very early risers and by lunch time I was shattered.

I don't think you are being unreasonable and think you should have a conversation about boundaries. If they come in the morning then they need to be away by lunch time. At least if you go and see them every so often you can choose when you leave.

JoyousEagle · 06/05/2025 06:43

She’s complaining that she only sees your newborn twice a week?? She’s being ridiculous, no one can claim with a straight face that that isn’t seeing him often.

DenholmElliot11 · 06/05/2025 06:38

I think once or twice a month is more than enough for a visit to or from an adult child.