Mum turning up unannounced to visit grandchild

I don't think that's what's going on here at all. Op doesn't particularly want them to do housework for her. She just needs time to rest after having a baby, and that is not unreasonable

Oh do pipe down and read the thread properly.

Everyone has experienced loss, doesn't give them a right to dictate to others.

@Justacupoftea123 don't pay any mind to this post.

Wow I hope this post has been reported for deletion.

At a few weeks post partum visitors shouldn’t be adding stress.

OP could you go and see them a bit more, then you could control the duration and they might not randomly turn up.

so it’s wrong for the gps to use the OP as entertainment but fine for her to expect use them as childcare/home help? Because it seems that the OP, backed by others on this thread, think that GPs shouldn’t be in the house if they can’t make themselves useful.

All very transactional. All very MN.

Would it be easier for you to go over and see them perhaps? That way you can leave when you need to. Or perhaps have a standing arrangement with them so that they can come over on a Thursday or other weekday morning or afternoon for a few hours, and in that time you crack on with what you need to do. It sounds from what you are saying that your Mum and Dad just enjoy being there and seeing you all.

Your Mum and Dad are probably just excited by your new arrival and haven’t thought about how tricky it is. If you are an only child (?) they may not have ever been in that position themselves. 2 under 2 is a busy time.

Good luck, though it sounds like you are doing fab!

It’s a shame really, a hundred years ago they’d be loads of children and loads of grandchildren so bored grandparents could be shared around a bit or pick the grandkids who wanted to have story books read all day and just do that.

If they just come and sit let them sit. Just work around them, it doesn't seem like they interfere. If your Dad wants to wash up in the sink, just ignore, he's trying! Don't let them take the child/children out without you, 'It's too much for you dad'. Do you have a garden the 2 year old can run around in that your mum and dad could just sit and watch? And admire what they do.

Bless him. I wonder if he ever did yours!

Out of all our extended family, only my MIL is willing/able to change our ds's nappy. My mum could do my dd's when she was in nappies but my ds (age 1.5) is just enormous and it'd be too much for her back. My FIL and aunts-in-law have said they never want to change a nappy which is fair enough.

It does make childcare harder until age 3/4 but it's only a couple of years really.

With respect, this isn’t the thread for you. If you are furious, it’s your grief talking.

OP, absolutely you need to set firmer boundaries. Kindly but firmly. My mother is master manipulator so I wouldn’t stand for this but that’s my mum, if you have previously had a good relationship then kind and firm seems the best way.

What age is she if you don't mind me asking?

It's frustrating but if she's 'very old' like you say, maybe she just wants to make sure she gets some time with you all. Absolutely needs to respect your boundaries though.

Edit: Saw her age. Not very old but may still have these thoughts in her head.

Can I chip in another perspective? I am a grandmother and would not do what your parents are doing, but I think I can understand why they do it.

I am not as old as your mum. I was widowed 5 years ago. I have recently had a deluge of health problems, including heart attack, pacemaker etc. and am in quite a bit of pain with other problems. I am watching my normally very very active life slipping away from me and it is a lot to come to terms with. Whenever I see my GC, the thought us running through my mind that I do not have much more time to enjoy them and see them grow.
I do not let that make me impose on my AC in any way but it is there in my heart. I am not finding this stage of life easy ... it is lonely and painful with many losses to come to terms with every day.
I do understand the OP's frustration, but hope that some insight into where her parents are coming from might help to ease that a bit.

Twice a month isn’t nice? Dont be ridiculous. That would be the absolute max. And twice a week is bonkers if it’s not what you actually want. I feel for them of course, but I feel for you and your DH more. Absolutely yes to boundaries you gently but firmly stick to. Oh, and I see the I’d-give-anything-to-have-parents brigade has turned up. Soooo far so Mumsnet, lol.

You are setting boundaries????? I agree it may be a little harder for you but twice a month? You don’t sound like a very nice daughter to me

You're going to have to bite the bullet and tell her that you're run ragged and they cannot help out when they visit, so become another pressure.

Be firm that they can visit once a fortnight on agreed days, and will only stay for a couple of hours. Perhaps Sunday lunch once a fortnight?

If she has a hissy fit let her - more peace for you - and she'll come around eventually.

I do feel for them, but I feel for you more!

Have you tried to really talk this through with your mum at a calm moment on the phone? Rather than constant firefighting? Does she get it of you spell out the difficulties of having such young children and trying to juggle that and family life? She obviously desperately wants to be involved and be helpful, but needs to accept that she is not helpful in the way she'd like. That doesn't mean she or your dad can't be helpful at all ever, but right now you need to prioritise the children. Ask her advice on stuff that doesn't matter too much (you don't have to follow it!), to help her feel involved. Invite them to yours on a specific day next week with clearly defined timings. Get the next visit planned before they leave so you all know where you stand. And for goodness sake don't let your dad take the toddler out alone any more for the sake of your blood pressure!

My mil was only a bit more mobile than your mum and keen to 'help'. We visited them when DC1 was very tiny once and I returned from the kitchen where I'd been making tea with DH to realise that the pram with the sleeping baby in it was gone... Fil told us mil had taken baby for a walk for us. Well, I could have done without the pp run, but I caught up with her and accompanied her round the block and back while explaining as gently as I could muster (not particularly) that I need to know where the baby is and would chase down anyone who thought they could just piss of with them without a word. Between my panic and presumably dh's chat with fil they at least didn't try anything like that again.

I think in their excitement gps can sometimes forget the realities.

Do they do this through the week and at weekends?

You're going to need to be brave and have a conversation with them.

I know it's hard, I've had similar issues with my Dad and he always does this kind of kicked puppy look when you try to assert boundaries.

Part of me thinks that my dad's generation were expected to just pander to their parents, so now he's reached that point he thinks that it will just be the same.

Coming over and just sitting around expecting to be entertained when you have little ones is exhausting. I've often said parenting is not a spectator sport!

I'd start the conversation with something like:

It's lovely to see you and I appreciate the effort you make but it's exhausting trying to juggle everyone's needs at the moment. I need to make changes to organise our family time better so I don't feel exhausted all the time. I can't be there for everyone as its making me feel overwhelmed. It would be best if we organise your visits better so that it doesn't put pressure on anyone and we can all enjoy them.

Then talk about what you'd like to happen.

The guilt is horrible, especially when they're not in the best of health but you have to do it or resentment builds and it comes to a head.

How often did they visit pre baby? Was it this intense after your first?
If not I would point out the change and how it worked before.