Mum turning up unannounced to visit grandchild

except they can't cope with the toddler.

they don't bring meals now and its twice a week. They aren't now able to help and want the toddler to sit still RTFT

Awww I actually feel sorry for these grandparents because they’re clearly just wanting to help but haven’t worked out the boundaries properly.

I’m sure you’ll work it out with them because they do sound like they really want to help you rather than interfere. They also probably wouldn’t mind if you did housework around them or went for a nap if you were exhausted, I know my mum wouldn’t care if I did.

❤️

https://www.nationaltrust.org.uk/who-we-are/about-us/access-for-everyone

It’s quite understandable for your mum to feel depressed, isolated and/or in need of TLC as a result of her health and lack of mobility.

But that doesn’t excuse lack of consideration to you. Overstaying their welcome, bringing their own food for lunch without asking if you mind, turning up without checking if it’s OK, then contemplating letting themselves in when they find you’re out [?!] or waiting for you to return are all inconsiderate actions.

Lots of people have very serious mobility problems and severe pain, but they still manage to get out and about: in wheelchairs, mobility scooters, walking frames etc. I believe some places have wheelchairs you can use when there, if you ask in advance. It would surely be lovely for your mum to accompany you on a walk through a country park, on sit on a bench, watching her grandchildren enjoy the fresh air and nature.

Apart from breastfeeding you probably don't want your newborn in a car seat for an hour at a time yet?

I think you just have to be firm but honest with them. When they visit (definitely no more than weekly) they need to leave at naptime - suggest your whole family head to bed then.

I'd take a step back and think about how often you want them to visit. I personally think once a month is plenty. They can face time inbetween.

Tolerate their company then, whatever. It's good for kids to see their dgps.

Again, I agree rein it in and give specific availability.

Tell them no unannounced visits as lots of other things going on but I do think the op is being a bit scathing about ill grandad washing up instead of using the dishwasher, daring to have fun with the toddler etc etc etc.

One of my parents has mobility issues and there is not a chance they'd use a mobility scooter. You work round it, lunches out etc instead of walking miles on 'family days out'.

The op needs to develop some disability awareness.

Posts like that are disgusting because they are utilitarian, soulless and evil. I won't question people anymore when they say 'pointless to have children, absolutely pointless'.

The fact that you feel guilty at her passive aggressive hinting and your inability to maintain boundaries with her (you mentioned setting the boundary but she was allowed to breach it) it appears she has been manipulative for longer than her mobility issues.
I'm not saying this to be mean to you but for you to understand the dynamic and not feel guilty. If it wasn't for her physical mobility problems she would be manipulating you anyway.

You are allowed to enforce your boundaries.
In fact you need to enforce them, it's not enough to establish a boundary, you need to be prepared to take action to enforce it as well.

she might not enjoy their company, I don’t with mine. It’s not a given.

Completely agree with this. Boundaries, train them not to do it. And youll feel awful about it and want to cave in because you feel awful but that will pass. Their needs don’t outweigh yours , you are being really generous with your time, just because your mum feels that’s not enough doesn’t mean it’s not. It’s a feeling not a fact.

When DC were tiny the visitors who used to wind me up the most were family who just sat there waiting to be fed and watered whilst I was trying to wrangle bf and a toddler. MIL was the most helpful - she came for a week and did the chores, tidied and cooked, or minded the baby if I cooked or showered. DM was useless until they were older and she could play card games with them! I think she had PPD with me (no support from her own DM) and me having a baby triggered something in her.
Give them chores to do if they turn up and point out if she had a mobility scooter they could join you on days out with the DC. If she's elderly she might be worried she won't have much time with your DC.

'and either bring tons of food we don’t eat and take over our kitchen at lunch or expect us to make them lunch.'

'He has cancer and tries his best to help. But again, that looks like doing our dishes in the sink - despite us asking him to just use our dishwasher.'

These comments are awful as are the ones both her age and disability. They bring food/they expect lunch', which is it?

Yes fine have a conversation about visits and boundaries etc but you need to lighten up, stop being so controlling about washing up, naps etc and just try to enjoy their company.

Yabu. They are massively disrupting your life expecting to arrive without notice and be waited on. Once every two weeks for an afternoon is quite enough. Set a day anßd thats it.

They need something else to do other than relying on you for their social contact. There will be local groups they can attend which will cost them nothing / very little. For example your Mum could attend the Women's Institute meetings. There'll be Aged UK groups on singing, socials etc. There's U3A for talks.

Set up a routine visit day each fortnight where your parents are expected to arrive, such as first and third Tuesday. Have simple mundane useful tasks like folding laundry, sweeping paths and swinging kid on swing, reading stories ready for them so that you can chatter on and do other household or child related tasks. Take a walk all together to the local park so that gradually you can help your toddler and father trusting each other to do the same.
Plan the meals in advance - kid's snacks in lunch box and toasties ready to toast or eggs etc.
They don't want anything special - just to see grandchildren developing, to help out and to especially see you.
You visit them another expected day of the month along with husband. Maybe one Sunday..
You can control the activity by taking snacks, offering to mow the lawn, suggesting a walk around the block, suggesting cousin also visits at same time occasionally etc etc.
It is unfair to ban your parents from a fortnightly visit or from bringing you the odd meal due to your spouse having long parental leave. You should be able to negotiate positive regular interactions that suit you both.

You need to shut this down.

Your parents would have been manipulative and entitled even if they were 20 years younger than they are now. This is not an elderly thing.

My in-laws are elderly and they don’t pull this sort of behaviour. They rarely pop in for a visit and if they do they are genuinely in the area and they phone first and check it’s ok.

You need to set boundaries with your parents.

The first thing she mentions in her first two posts is them doing childcare. And that they sit around doing nothing - clearly not making themselves useful.

She also has a husband on paternity leave at the same time as her being on maternity.

This all sounds like it’s coming from the husband, to be honest. As he’s at home there’s no need for their appearance to cause the OP additional work or stress at all - he can help out.

In that case I do apologise

Read the thread properly. It’s twice a week.

Me too. I lost my mum when I had two kids under 4 and I still think it's important to have honest conversations so everyone feels respected.

A family only really works if you can be gently honest with each other, not manipulated by guilt.

Everyone is important and should be valued.

Oh, you're one of those 'I'd give anything to have one hour with my mum but she's dead' posters who crop up on every single thread where the OP is having problems with their mum. They even do this on threads where the OP's mum is abusive. It's tone deaf. Full disclosure, I lost my mum when my first child was 4 months old and I don't come out with this guilt tripping crap.

OP's mum is making more work for OP. She sees her daughter and grandchildren loads but is overstepping boundaries and making more work for her post-partum daughter.

I have given this advice loads of time both on here amd in my previous profession which is calm firm but loving honesty. Sit down with them and tell your Mum and Dad what you are able to cope with right now. Say in the future it might change as things change but right now they need to eg ask before arriving, fit in their visits to your schedule...whatever you need. Point out that sadly there are things that they can't manage (dealing with a lively toddler) and that "everyone" needs to accept that. If you can give them a regular schedule when they will be very welcome then that will sugar the pill. yes they will be hurt and may sulk and say hurtful things but hopefully (and in my experience usually) they get over it and its made up for because you will be delighted to see them when they do come and be able to actually spend some happy time with them. But no, not easy for you.

If your husband gets that much paternity leave that colours it for me a bit. 6 months is a long time, it also means that he is there to mind baby while you have a cup of tea with your parents.

I agree their behaviour is not ideal and your baby is very young. But your mum is 79 & your dad has cancer. Is there a good chance you mum will be here at 85? I’d say not from what you’ve said. However you manage it, just don’t have any regrets.