Mum turning up unannounced to visit grandchild

YANBU. But I do feel sorry for your mum.

You need to schedule time and make sure your Dad (who is enabling your Mum) knows the schedule. If they arrive at any other time, don't answer the phone or the door and force them to comply that way.

Just stop making random things up.

OP I feel for you pulled between DC and parents.
I tend to take on responsibility for other's happiness. However, a counsellor said to me, adults are not responsible for anyone else, with the exception children.
You need to put your DCs needs first, then yours and then look at what's left in terms of time and energy.
If your parents are happy or not happy matters less than are your DC needs met and you need to be sane to focus on them.
Anyone posting on here wanting you to prioritise your parents is getting the priority order the wrong way around.

You are just making stuff up now. Where is your evidence that OP's DH is useless when looking after his children? Maybe he is getting annoyed with his in-laws as they are making more work for him and OP, rather than providing any help and support.

OP sees them twice a week and they deliberately turned up on a day when OP specifically told them not to come and waited on her drive for her to return. This feels oppressive and manipulative.

OP's baby is only a month old and she is just getting used to dealing with two children under the age of 2. She sees a lot of her parents but they are making the post-partum period more stressful than it needs to be.

The OP has a husband who’s on paternity leave. Who’s clearly getting annoyed with his in-laws. Perhaps because he’s not actually that much use at looking after his wife and children post-childbirth?

They see her twice a week!

Come on. Don't be so silly.

The OP has a family to look after. She can't run around trying to make sure everyone else is okay at the expense of herself. She needs to be on her best form for her kids. Oxygen mask applies here.

F.O.G is strong in this one!

This. Both grandparents don't have much time left and their daughter is annoyed they come to see her and DGC too often...
How very sad.

It’s a shame not many of us learn boundaries when we are younger
ive been just the same op
tou gotta put yourself first and start sticking up for yourself
say sorry it’s not a good time
or right you can come in but only for an hour and you have to go at nap time

it’s not easy to start tho, but it gets easier

Thinking tangentially, I wonder if you could nudge your parents into moving into one of those over 55’s communities nearby. My mum is in one and it’s fab, got her own front door and 2 bedroom flat but there are lifts, everything is accessible and there are communal lounges and kitchens etc, so you can be as sociable as you want to be. There is also someone on call 24/7, never have to stress about a plumber, electrician etc, always dealt with the same day.

It sounds like your mum is starving for social contact and this could really help and they would obviously be less dependent on you. And God forbid if anything should happen to one of your parents, the other wouldn’t be alone.

Just an idea

No, you most definitely are not being unreasonable. It’s difficult when you have parents who just won’t be told. I can fully understand your frustration as my mother-in-law was very much the same. Also, my mother always turned up unannounced on a Saturday morning and if we said we had plans for the day, she would sulk for days. If we upset mother-in-law, she would literally make herself sick! It was a nightmare and our life wasn’t our own. My husband had to have words with his mother about it, and she didn’t speak to us for 7 years after that! (At least we had some peace!) We told my mother that we had plans for some of the Saturdays, so that she only came about once a month. She wasn’t happy, but we were firm and she had no choice. After a while, she realised she couldn’t win, and the sulking stopped.
The good thing that came from this was that we were careful not to do the same thing to my daughters when they got married. We waited to be invited, even though we had, and have, a great relationship. This hasn’t changed since my husband died. I told them at that time that his death had changed my life but it was not going to change theirs and that they were not to worry about me. It works well and they often invite me to lunch or dinner, and I feel welcome and wanted. They can get on with their lives and not feel under any obligation to invite me if they don’t want to. My granddaughter, in particular, visits often and we enjoy our girly chats.
Maybe it helps that I enjoy my own company and don’t need ‘entertaining’, but whatever the reason, I know that I see them more by not intruding on them than I probably would if I kept pestering them.

I suppose I would find that annoying. I don't remember having specific naptimes for my DC - it's a long time ago. Twice a week is often to see GC - mind, I think my SGGC are at their grandparents more often than that and always welcome. But my DSS is very family oriented - for which I am eternally grateful, for without him I do not think I would have survived my first year of widowhood.

I wasn't sure if I thought YABU or not until this update and realise my recent loss might distort my opinion.

Now I most certainly think YABU - your Mum's late 70s and your Dad has cancer! How much longer do you think they'll be around for!? I understand how overwhelming it is to have an elderly parent needing a degree of care plus young children... But, whenever I felt myself thinking 'too much' I reminded myself Mum wouldn't be around forever and the alternative was worse. She died 4 weeks ago, it's her funeral tomorrow and I'd give ANYTHING for her to still be here needing me to run the vacuum round, change her bed or drive her to an appointment instead.

Like I said, I know this isn't the general consensus but having just lost my Mum I think YABU.

You are not being unreasonable, and it is definitely a good idea to set boundaries and stick to them, but try to be gentle too. Your mother is elderly and in poor health, one day you will look back and miss her. I hope your dad is able to recover 💐

I think unless you experience it first hand, it's hard to explain

But My DM does this sometimes and i totally get what the op is saying.
My dm would also be mortally hurt if I tried to say anything ever.
Its not an easy situation

My DM "washes up" unasked which translated to leaving a load of sudsy items on the side not rinsed or dried and put away so water can ingress on the counter and knives can be perilously balanced on bowls etc. Its NOT help... putting it in the dishwasher is help.
When I delicately approached this she got SO upset and then started putting things in the dishwasher. She did like she hadn't owned one for 10 years. I cpuldnt stack a dishwasher as badly as she would if I TRIED. If I didnt know better I geniunely would assume she was trying to wind me up / be unhelpful. I cant bring myself to raise it again so now I have to vigilant clear every meal immediately.

Re the food inhale experienced this

Essentially, They turn up (usually when you have an arranged visit and have food planned already) with loads of food which they insist on opening or half preparing and then leave mess all over the kitchen
OR
they turn up announced when you've literally just cooked two portions of meat and the online shop isn't coming until tomorrow so that's all you have and you are left scrambling and they "dont fancy an omelette or sandwoch" but are hungry and fancy a bag of crisps and thryxant believe you dont have any

@Justacupoftea123
i HATE the "being stuck sitting in the house" thing too!
Its like a shit PG rated horror movie where the main thing killing the characters off is sheer boredom.

As summer approaches I'd get googling and find plades equidistant
stately homes / activity spaces (soft play outdoor adventure places, splashparks, even decent park playgrounds) between your 2 houses so you reduce the drive and cap the time.

Your DM can sit on a bench / whatever and watch while you play with the kids you can feed them lunch in the cafe and all eat together - how nice! then 《yawn》 it's been great seeing you but kids are knackered and its nap time and you drive home.

Awww I actually feel sorry for these grandparents because they’re clearly just wanting to help but haven’t worked out the boundaries properly.

Replies like this are interestingly because they are rarely seen on posts where the OP is dealing with ILs rather than their own parents. Then it's NC all the way and don't look back.

if she is getting into a routine with toddler naps, how well do you think it would go down to say "Mum, Dad, I am going to settle toddler for a nap and have one myself. Please don't have the TV or radio on or make noise or pretty much do anything because we are establishing a routine."

the OP can't go off for a nap and leave the GP's to look after the kids if they can't cope with the toddler.

This is hard OP and I'm really very sorry.

What I'm going to say is going to sound really harsh but I mean it in the best way possible, hoping to empower you a little bit.

People can only cross your boundaries if you let them.

I mean that both physically and emotionally.

If you say tomorrow isn't a good day mum and she turns up anyway don't be rushing to answer the door or return from a day out. "I told you we were busy today so I will see you on tuesday"

Don't let her have keys to your property.

Don't be manipulated by her saying oh well ive not eaten yet. "There's a cafe up the road on your drive back home. We're out/napping/not hosting today as I told you yesterday"

Don't feel guilty if she says things like he's grown so much and I've missed out on it. She had her baby. Just ignore these comments. Don't respond to them. They're said specifically to get an emotional response from you and the best thing you can do is not feed the beast. Just reiterate "I'll see you on Tuesday like we agreed mum"

Don't negotiate, once you've got to that stage you've already lost. You're saying your boundaries are flexible and if she keeps pushing you will give in.

I feel for your dad in all of this too but he's got to be responsible for asserting his own boundaries. That's not your job. If he goes along with your mums plans to placate her then that's him using his free will and his actions aren't your responsibility.

I think this is a little naive.

They turned up when the OP asked them not to. When she specifically asked them not to. How is that helping?

I'm not saying they're horrible but they don't seem to respect the OP at all and that does need to change.

And that they sit around doing nothing - clearly not making themselves useful.

Are older people only to be valued if they are capable of making themselves useful?

I am lucky that my AC and their families value my presence as a loved person even during these difficult times when health means that I cannot provide the help I used to. I love them for that.

Wait I’ve worked it out, you think I meant have a nap whilst leaving them with toddler. I meant have a nap while the toddler does.

maybe he doesn't wash up very well?

I’m confused by your comment? What difference does it make whether they can cope with a toddler in relation to my comment. Did you quote the wrong person?