Mum turning up unannounced to visit grandchild

Your mum may be losing her marbles just a bit, possibly made worse by being inactive and in pain. The days may go by much slower for her than for you and twice a week visits seem like an age apart.
I would tell both your parents together that you want to see them and have them involved with the GC, but their visiting has to fit in with the children's routine, so you need to agree arrangements in advance and then stick to them. So please never turn up unannounced and if you have explained that you need to get on with things yourself from naptime onwards, please plan to leave at naptime and not later.
Their needs/wants may seem very powerful because they are your parents, but actually you have more of the power, not them.

My opinion is skewed because I’m 30 weeks pregnant and I lost my Mum suddenly 6 weeks ago (she was only 57).
We had plans for her to be spending lots of time with us so I’d give anything to get home and find her on my driveway.
Having said that, it would be stressful to play host with a newborn and a toddler.
Your parents seem to love you very much, it seems they probably are aware they’re not as helpful as they’d like to be and they’re desperate to not be left behind.

Could you do a scheduled visit once or twice a week and prepare yourselves that those two days will be hectic so you feel less surprised by it all? x

Exactly. It is such over sentimental manipulative nonsense.

The Grandparents might go on till their 90s or later. Let’s not imagine that all people in their late 70s are on death’s door.

But ...... your parents probably found you rather irritating during the lifetime of bringing you up! - they fed you, clothed you, cared for you, saw you through all the phases of your childhood, including the terrible teens

Tough. Well of course parents should do that for their kids. It is the bare minimum. Children are young and vulnerable and unable to live independently. They didn’t ask to be born. There is no comparison to the situation with these grandparents.

I would never use this kind of emotional blackmail with my adult children.

I do get really shocked by the whole tone of posters who don’t seem to realise they’ll be old , ill & scared themselves before they know it . Twenty five years will have gone in a flash and they’ll be in the ‘unwanted irritation’ role themselves .
PP’s labelling this poor older couple as ‘ manipulative’ when the evidence given has been they’re getting things wrong but love their daughter & don’t realise they’ve ’ outlived their usefulness’ . The Dad seems to have tried so hard to help , changing nappies & taking his grandchild out . The Mum making delicious food … Put boundaries in place with love and please realise in a very few years you won’t need them because they won’t be here .

OP from bitter experience I'd urge you to protect your marriage from this stress. Also protect your own sanity! You're right in the thick of it at the moment.

The joys of older parents when you are younger and have your own young kids to look after.

Same. It’s a chore borne out of duty for me.

OP if you were writing this about your in-laws you would be told you have a DH problem.

And nobody would be suggesting that you should do all the childcare while DH had a nice time spending time with his parents, as they are saying he should for you.

I can completely understand that this is too much for him, it's too much for you. If it's at the point where it's causing problems in your marriage already and the baby is only a month old you're going to have to do some hard thinking about your priorities.

Edit, cross post with your last one OP.

I ended up cutting my mum off for many reasons, but one thing she tried to make me do was schedule a weekly visit for her to come to my house and see my kids. I said it should be when I decide like once or twice a month if I wanted (we had a very strained relationship anyway). No advice here but you're not alone and the suffocating feeling is very very real.

No one wants to be living on the edge or get a sinking feeling whenever the doorbell rings or we come home from outings that it could be GPs.

YANBU, all this would drive me mad. You've had some very good advice - a kind conversation, a visiting schedule, and you going to them instead. Good luck :)

For goodness sake. The mawkish sentimentality on here sometimes. So when you are old you can just do what you want then and others can’t say a thing in case you drop dead in the next x years?

Really suspect you’re right . Particularly as OP post title of ‘Mum ‘ being the problem rather than ‘ Dad ‘ strongly suggests DH influence .

My mother is widowed. I had my second child during Covid when my mum “bubbled” with us (Ireland). She coped very badly with the loneliness she ranted extensively about people breaking restrictions, and about one of her friends who was driving her mad.

It was hard and I lost my temper once or twice, but she has no one else, she’s my mother at the end of the day & I love her.

She isn’t physically that able and she certainly never did housework but she did read to the toddler and take him for the odd walk.

I think YANBU about unannounced visits and wanting to be fed etc but you lose me saying you want this once in a lifetime event (6 months paternity) to be special for your family.
As you note, getting 6 months paternity is not standard, you’re getting much more than the average person so why wouldn’t you share some of that time with your elderly parents and see that as a positive.

Yes being a mother of small children is hard, but being old and sick is hard and both deserve support.

Also having a baby & toddler is a joyful time, it’s hard but it’s getting easier and all the work is watch children bloom. By contrast having high needs as an older person while no doubt being aware of your mortality isn’t so joyful.

Lovely post .

I do see how difficult this is for you. It is hard to strike the right balance.

But ...... your parents probably found you rather irritating during the lifetime of bringing you up! - they fed you, clothed you, cared for you, saw you through all the phases of your childhood, including the terrible teens - them not doing the washing up as you might wish is a breeze compared with all that!

And one day you will be them! - it creeps up unbidden whether we like it or not! - and I am sure you would wish your children to be understanding and tolerant of how life is for you at each phase as it comes around.

Grandparents are not just there to be useful - to provide child care for instance - and they will not always do things exactly your way. They are not doing unacceptable things with your children, or being abusive in any way - so that is good! The irritations are minor.

But that is a rather transactional approach and maybe they could also simply be valued for who they are - with all their imperfections - as I am sure you would wish your own children to value and love you when that time comes.

Things are clearly a bit out of synch at the moment and the visits do not time well for you and your small family. Could you just sit down and discuss this with them in a kindly way? - recognising how much they wish to see their GC, but talking about how this can be planned so that it fits in with everyone. And being clear about what does not suit, as well as what does. So not a grumble discussion telling them how irritating it all is, but a positive discussion talking about what would be best for you.

I hope you can find a satisfactory way forward for everyone.

Come off it. It's very obvious from OP's posts that her parents are getting on her nerves. Why wouldn't her husband have a problem with his in-laws visiting more than twice a week when he took paternity leave to look after his family, not to support his in-laws. If he didn't want them to come round at all, he would be unreasonable, but OP and her DH both want to limit her parents' visits during this post-partum period and that is their choice to make.

Her mum isn't on her own though. She has OP's dad. It isn't OP's responsibilty to provide company and entertainment for her mum when she is newly post-partum and getting used to looking after two children under the age of 2. They also didn't visit as often before the baby was born so it seems that this is more about seeing the baby than loneliness.

The only reason you can see...which means the conclusion you immediately jump to based on you making stuff up.

You're determined to blame the DH instead of looking at the parents blatantly ignoring the OP telling them not to come over.

I can see it’s hard but they need support too. My elderly father would for thd day. I made him cups of tea, he would read stories to the kids, or read the newspaper/book until it was time to go home. It is hard on you, but she’s obviously lonely

I’m not. The OP has said this is causing problems in her marriage. So we need to ask why? Why would her husband have a problem with his wife’s elderly and disabled parents visiting? He’s there, he can make the tea and look after the toddler while his wife sits on the sofa with the newborn and shoots the breeze with her parents.

The OP says it’s causing problems in her marriage. So clearly the OP’s husband has a problem with this.

It’s not the role of elderly and disabled GPs to provide support. That’s his job. And that might involve supporting her and her family while her parents visit.

The only reason I can see that this would cause a problem is that the husband doesn’t step up.

Most responses on this post are ignoring that the husband is off at the same time.

I think it’s time to sit down with your DH and discuss how to deal with your parents moving forward.
Because at the moment they can get to you, they can still visit via car and while they don’t do much when they turn up, you are not at the stage where you are being called upon to provide care.
However, there is a good chance they will need some at some point in the future and the worst time to discuss it is then. It is best to have a think of what you could provide or not. Because there are few boundaries here and sadly daughters are looked upon as resource centres. Where they have no needs of their own.
At some point, you morph into the parent and it’s a tough job because it’s like having two more toddlers in your hands.
Start by sitting down and gently discussing your concerns. It is better to get it out in the open. You love and care for both of them, you want them to have quality time with their GC, but the way they visit needs to change so that when they do come, it’s of more value to all of you.
There could be fireworks. But I remember seeing it as teenagers sulking. In the end, they will have to respect your wishes and your home.
How are they managing in their own home? How do they cope with housework and caring for themselves?