Mum turning up unannounced to visit grandchild

I'm sorry to hear that. In that case maybe she is still the same and you clearly have had a strained relationship.

If so, just put firm boundaries in. Perhaps tell them next time that they need to call a few days before you come as you have GP/health visitor etc appointments and you are out and about too.

Then make things up if they call and want to visit in the next few days.

This.

And doing so would avoid the possibility of them dropping by when you're out or otherwise unavailable to entertain.

It is difficult with a baby and a toddler and nap time is important …… I was lucky as my parents always checked that we were home before coming over and I now do the same for my adult children. Everyone has such busy lives but by working together and having plans in place visits can be workable. Just be kind when you explain this to your parents….they aren’t here forever.

How old are you parents/in-laws? Because weirdly, there are shifts and changes when people get older, I feel it starts slightly after 75, and then after 80 they do need a lot more help and get more anxious.

Most people don't turn up unannounced, unless that happened before, but yes people do get more needy at certain stages in life.

I always try to look at it that we count weeks and then months when looking at our babies/children's development but that development doesn't stop and so you have certain things that tend to happen in e.g. the 20s, 40s and even in the 70s and 80s. My mum who was the most independent etc and helpful would now come over - although more instigated by me - and not actually help much as she's in pain and just tired.

When she was 70 she was still helping with my kids, taking them to and from school on certain days. She is now much more needy in a sense, and a bit more critical (which was NEVER her style) and it's like her life has shrunk and so things now seem to be more about her and her issues (again, never what she was like before, she was very selfless and interested in others).

But that's life and people do change throughout the ages. She's my mum who was wonderful when I grew up, with my young kids and now she needs me.

@Justacupoftea123 May I ask how old your parents are, OP?

My parents lived fairly close & popped over once a week for a couple of hours. They called most nights which could become tiresome but I appreciated them so much I accepted it. They were also a phone call away for help at any given moment. A totally different situation from the OP but it's also the reason I'm pleased I am a young Grandparent compared to many & can help when required. I see my young grandchildren once a week or less depending on both sides plans.

Is all ok with memory and dementia etc?

Sounds as though she's forgetting that's shes seen him and politeness/boundaries?

I am fairly sure the Mum can't because of her arthritis, also not sure if they could be trusted.

I think some of this is just do it. Plan your days out and go. If they arrive before you have left tell them sorry but you are going out Pre-empt their turning up by telling them, when they visit, when they can come again and sticking to it. Phrase it as "Remember we'll see you xxx"

Old, ill and scared doesn't mean that every old person is going to be manipulative and demanding.

And is the mother there because she loves her daughter so much? Or because she's decided that the OP and her family are there to entertain her and give her somewhere to go?

Are you close to your parents in general? It sounds like you are from your posts. I think perhaps you are feeling this way because you are so tired and tapped from being responsible for two children that you just don’t have the bandwidth to keep an eye on your parents in tandem with your childcare responsibilities. Add in the newborn exhaustion and I definitely see why this is draining you.

I think the only thing you can do is try to manage expectations. Could your mum or dad hold the newborn whilst you have a nap and DH takes care of your older child? Really your DH and parents should be thinking about how they can rally round you during this time rather than expecting you to manage the whole situation.

Of course you cannot just do what you want when you are old, any more than you can at any other time of life. But it is always best to try and put oneself in another's shoes when making judgements, especially about a situation in which you will inevitably find yourself one day.

The balance is clearly not right for the OP and her family at the moment, but moving forward with an understanding of where the other "side" is coming from is a better way to proceed.

OP if you were writing this about your in-laws you would be told you have a DH problem.

So very true.

No emotional blackmail - I was just trying to inject a bit of balance. This is clearly not something that any parent should actually say to their AC, but I was suggesting that it might be worth having that in one's mind when trying to resolve this situaiton.

YANBU, but I feel for your parents too. Hopefully in the next few weeks or so, you can find a way to sensitively put down some boundaries and reduce contact closer to what you’re comfortable with. But I am appalled by the suggestion that you shouldn’t (or even actually didn’t) let them in the house. These are your actual parents. Yes, they are going about things the wrong way, but come on, turning them away from your door is so rude. They will have been very upset by that.

Well of course it is causing problems in their marriage.

Her parents keep turning up. She needs to rest and recover. He doesn't want to entertain his in laws, he wants to make sure his children and their mother are being looked after not waiting hand and foot on 2 grown ups who can't respect boundaries.

This is his time too to get used to life as a family of 4.

Absolutely no where has the OP said he is useless.

This. And this again.

My dad does this to me all the time and makes me really grudge him coming up now. He thinks cos he doesn’t work everyone should have the same time. He will come. Look at the garden, be like ur grass needs cut. When u painting ur shed, no got washing out? He digs at my husband who does two jobs cos grass isn’t cut, I’m like what will he cut it in the pitch black?? I put a sign on door to say to postmen don’t knock im on nightshift, he comes up bangs the door, then txts me to say cars were there but no answer at door, I say there a note in on nights,
he’s like I didn’t see a note (a4 can’t miss it).
it’s absolutely infuriating. It’s really making me think of him as so selfish, cos he has time on his hands. Then when he Comes up he stays forever. If I said anything to him he would roper take the huff. He has turned into such a greedy money pinching man,
he goes to food banks for pensioners, and I’m just not liking him. I hate being like this with him but he is really just driving me crazy. It’s too much. I now have my doors locked and I will admit I have hidden from him when I see his car pull up. Hate doing it but he just doesn’t get it.

Not Necessarily. In any case, living your life as if you’re about to drop dead is not particularly healthy. Especially when it comes with a dose of emotional manipulation.

Oh yikes this would drive me bonkers.

Well done on not inviting them in when they turned up and were sat on your doorstep!

Chat with your DH, what is the absolute most you'd like them round?
Tell your parents the plan and timings and stick to it. If it's time for them to leave tell them politely it's time for naps so you'll see them out, and walk them to the door.

My nanna was this kind of family member. I loved her to bits but yes I did sometimes have to hold firm boundaries eg not inviting her in, or saying something didn't work for me. And yes she has now passed and no I don't regret having healthy boundaries that didn't leave myself and my children worse off. We still had a lovely relationship and saw her, spent time with her, but didn't let her rule our lives.

The father had cancer and the mother has rheumatoid arthritis an auto immune illness that is not only painful it also shortens life.Tjey are unlikely to live into their 90s.

OP has clarified . I have this completely wrong . My apologies.

OP, I was in a similar situation (minus the health issues) and it is not sustainable. In my case, it escalated and escalated until it permanently damaged my relationship with my parents. It also cost me countless special moments with DC, added to my decision not to have another DC, and caused huge problems in an already strained marriage. The stress of managing this built up until I reached a breaking point and MY health suffered. Trust me, they didn't care. All they cared was about life being on their terms and having their endless needs and demands met.

Having a relationship with your parents should not require you to betray your own needs and wishes, or those of your DH. You have your own family and home now and while that can include them, they can't do as they please when you were a teen living under their roof. It seems that you have already tried to establish some boundaries which are either completely ignored by them showing up anyway and even considering letting themselves into your home without permission, or being guilt-tripped, which is emotional manipulation.

Your mother is clearly lonely, and your father is enabling her and probably lonely too, but that doesn't mean that they can show up whenever they want and stay for however they want, because that is not how you have a good relationship with your adult daughter. It sounds like she does have friends and some social life and that is encouraging. Hopefully she can build on that more.

Your mother is also choosing not to help herself by refusing to get a mobility scooter, yet she expects you and your toddler to sit inside for hours with her.

Your children are going to grow and evolve and be even more busy. Trust me, if boundaries aren't established (and respected) this will lead to even more issues. My mother used to show up on every single one of DD's school days off, and then get very offended if I said she had a play date, which then led to stress for me, and just a huge big negative mess. It shouldn't be this way.

You mentioned that your parents get upset (paraphrasing) if you have other people over, yet they are over more than anyone else. Been there. I finally realized that I could see my parents, on their terms, 6 days a week, and all I would hear that I didn't see them on the 7th. All this to say that it is sad that your parents are not more grateful for the time that you are giving them, which comes at a cost to you and your family, and is more than you are able to give to others, including DH's parents.

For those saying these are your parents, etc, as you stated above, you would want to seem them more if they didn't behave like this. It is sad that they are creating a situation where instead of enjoying their visits, they are causing you stress instead.

That makes sense xx