Mum turning up unannounced to visit grandchild

Because many of the over 75s/80s we know - and as I said I worked with elderly in the community before - have some sort of help from their nearest and dearest (if they had and still have a close relationship). Nothing bad about that.

But I guess my main point was that they way we are and come across generally changes through the ages. I.e. we're not static, but we often fail to recognise that we ALL continue evolve and develop. It doesn't suddenly stop when people turn 18. And elderly may have early signs of dementia when their personality changes.

Great that you are independent and need no help whatsoever.

but you weren't JUST talking about health. You were talking about people becoming needy and anxious as they get older. If you have worked with older people (I have too, in the NHS, it was my speciality) the people who you met are more likely to to need assisitance for a variety of reasons. The rest of us (who are in the majority) just chug on with our lives. That is why I asked (and I ask you again) not to generalise.

I'm very pleased for you and your siblings - that's great. Curious to know all of your ages?

Of course the average healthy life expectancy in the the UK is around 61 years of age so, sadly, not everyone is so fortunate.

My mum lives independently and does all her online shopping and cooking etc and is clear at 85. She does need my help mostly due to her mobility being impacted. But she has definitely changed, and she would say so herself.

But then so have I over the years - I'm in my late 50s. As I said, development is really a long and ever-ongoing continuum!

And I am old and have got older and younger siblings. We all lead our own independent lives snd don’t lean on anybody.

People saying the OP's mum won't be around for long - if she's late 70s then despite her mobility problems she could be around for another 15 years i.e. until the toddler has grown up!

She could certainly be around for all of OP's kids' preschool years.

What do you mean 'generalise' - I have worked with elderly in the past and I have friends with parents who are getting older and most of us are commenting that there is a slight change in demeanour, not surprising. Why would we not change as we get older. We change continually from when we are first born, through our teens, young adulthood and then meno/peri (for women) and beyond.

As I say, my Mum was (and is) the most wonderful mum. Loving, supportive always, never put any pressure on me, let me enjoy independence when I wanted it and always happy when I was happy. But, when she got to around 80, her health deteriorated and she was frustrated she couldn't do everything herself anymore. I've been very happy to support her where I can, she did so much for me when my kids were younger.

Saying that, now she's 85, she is still a wonderful grandmother but not involved in the same way as she is in pain and my teen kids have different lives. So her live invariably is a bit more limited and when I say 'needy' it's not meant negatively but she is needing me more. And when she is in pain (arthritis) and not sleeping as well - very common in the elderly - she gets more irritable, but still never hurtful of course. I was just trying to say that we do change slightly as we age, and it's up and downs along the way.

Saying that, if you had parents who were never loving or supportive, of course you need to set your boundaries. But also bear in mind that many women in their mid 50s are going through their menopause whilst looking after their parents. So I do hope the younger generation bears that in mind and doesn't just 'cancel' if their once calm, loving parent seems more irritable suddenly!

With my parents, I think they will just have to reap what they sow.

They were borderline emotionally neglectful when I was growing up. They have never ever supported me emotionally or cared about anything to do with me. They are now self-obsessed joyless needy older people.

I was scared of my mum‘s moods growing up. I’m no longer scared of them.

Culturally, I have to do my duty. It would be the end of the world if I didn’t. I visit them and do what needs doing. But it comes out of a sense of duty and not love or affection. I don’t enjoy their company and I’m sure it shows. I do the minimum required. And will continue to do so till they die.

My relationship with my young adult children could not be more opposite. We are close and have lots of fun together and I am their first source of support when needed. Of course things will change as they grow up and settle down. However, I have always told them to lead their own lives. They are horrified at the idea That they will not help me when I’m older. We shall see.

I am going to do my best not to be a burden if I can. Who knows what the future holds in terms of health. But I would rather pay for help than make them do it. I do not want to be visited out of duty. No way. And they are not there to entertain me when I am bored.

Yes, we only get one set of mum and dad. But people need to remember that some are much better than others.

You need to have a chat.say no unsolicited visits, you want some family time. Say they stay too long so it's difficult to get a routine you need to be tough.

Could the frequent inconvenient visits be replaced by a visit once a month and topped up with conveniently timed video calls?

OP's latest posts confirm that her mum has always been controlling. She says:

'also for context, although we’ve had some great years as an adult, we had a very strained relationship when I was a teen - she would open my mail, read my diary and texts, critique my appearance… basically gave me little/ no privacy.'

Her sister has cut her mum off so her mum's general overbearing behaviour hasn't just affected OP.

Based on your update, you might need to be significantly firmer than a polite conversation. Then the guilt will kick in, which you'll need to resist.

The pp who mentioned bandwidth was spot on. We can't put others first - especially when they're not our responsibility - endlessly without hitting a wall eventually.

It sounds like a difficult situation. I feel sorry for your mum, but equally I can see how this would be too much for you and why you would feel overwhelmed.

This changes my thoughts on it significantly. It feels less about them struggling to follow the boundaries and more about them refusing to accept them and wilfully ignoring

@Justacupoftea123

we would like to be able to plan out our days without fear of my parents turning up

You just plan a day out, surely? if they turn up unannounced and you're not there, not your problem.

And if they turn up and you're in and it's not convenient, say so and don't let them in .

Well we don’t know do we, because you’re just speculating on a random scenario that you’ve created…odd

@Justacupoftea123 I think you need to come up with dates/ days at the start of every month that they can visit, so for example every Wednesday afternoon 2pm to 4pm in June. Be clear that they can only visit on these pre planned visits at the times scheduled. Write it on a calendar & put it up in their kitchen or somewhere so there’s no excuse to try & visit between scheduled visits. Inform them firmly that now you have 2 young children you will be keeping to a strict routine & that unscheduled visits will not be permitted going forward. Also once they get to 5 minutes or so before the end of the visit, then remind them that the visit is ending soon. You can be firm & kind-I love you very much, but this is the plan going forward. Then stick to it. If they turn up unannounced go out tell them politely that this isn’t the agreed day & visiting will not be going ahead, but I look forward to seeing you Wednesday afternoon at 2pm etc…..
It is often difficult with our parents as they get older, & for them to accept that we are now adults. It’s more of reminding them that you are no longer that vulnerable & easy to manipulate teenager, but you are now an adult & the only way going forward is your way. I believe in brutal honesty with kindness!! I no longer beat around the bush with anything or anyone actually, totally unrecognisable from the timid teenager that I used to be. But I do believe you can be kind at the same time, even if your mother wasn’t/ isn’t kind to you. Just stick to your ground so to speak! Be black & white, no grey! I’d say in a light hearted way things like Mum I’m not that young teen who just let you read my diary & open my mail anymore, not putting up with that sort of behaviour any more, so unless you want to me to cut you off like older sister then I’m afraid you’re going to have to follow my rules from now on!! Then I smile & say would you like another cup of tea?!! But like I said I’ve learnt over the years that brutal honesty is the only way forward!😂 Keep breaking the rules Mum & they’ll be no visits going forward- is that what you want? No need to get upset Mum, I’m just being truthful, etc…etc…

Yeah this is ridiculous. She's your mum. You should be able to have an adult open conversation with her about expectations, and ask that she doesn't attend uninvited. That's like basic manners.

My mum is dead now and if she'd been around when we had our child, I'd have felt exactly the same as you.

well THAT explains a lot!!

@Justacupoftea123 Have just seen your updates. Your mum is lining you up for a caring role for her/them. I had held back from saying this before but based on what you've just said I think this is the dynamic here.

way to generalise!! please don't!!

I would guess their perspective on this is very much like @Mischance put it and I am totally sympathetic to this.

However, I would have lost it (inside anyway) to have come home and find someone waiting on the driveway for me, when this hadn't been agreed.

Twice a week for several hours, when they are in no position to help, is really wearing.

I'm sure your mum does want to help, may think she can help, and maybe even was able to help with your older child, but in reality you are looking after them now it sounds like and mostly simply facilitating their access. You can't really be mad at your dad for the incident in the park - he's unwell and really can't take your kids out, that is what this incident showed.

The caring expectations on you are really stretched.

I think when they come over, after a time that for you feels reasonable for them to be socialising and your DCs have gone to bed, I'd just start doing other things. Laundry, admin etc.

"Feel free to help yourselves to tea, etc, I've got to get on."

And then DO IT.

I am not surprised to hear this.

It sounds like your mother has a lot of narcissistic tendencies and a proven refusal or inability to respect your boundaries, accept your right to privacy, and is easily prone to jealousy/possessive of your time.

She didn't learn from one of her daughters ending contact with her over this type of behaviour. Very firm boundaries are needed if this is her general and long-term mentality. You aren't living under her roof any more, and as in any adult relationship, mutual respect is needed, which it sounds like she is coming up short on.

Reading this made me feel really sad, especially thinking about your parents. I can’t personally imagine speaking or feeling that way about mine, but I also recognise that everyone’s experience is different. I hope you find peace with whatever you’re going through, and that someday you won’t carry regret or pain from this.

She has control issues. With this updat, as well as not feeling guilty, I'd pull right back. Get the boundaries in place before she tries to control your DCs.

I agree and neither would I (one teen & one adult DC).
I chose to have DCs and their lives are not for my entertainment, I know I have to deal with many irritations as a parent.
I don't do it so I can later be a pain for them.
If we all get on well when they're adults no longer at home, I'm sure I'll see them in the same I now see my mum - planned or through a phone call and when we're free.
OP please do not feel suffocated, pressured, blackmailed or guilty at existing and not being constantly at your parents bidding.