Mum turning up unannounced to visit grandchild

I’d be setting a boundary about going out even if it’s the local park, and if your mum refuses to use an aid like a mobility scooter then I’d explain that’s her choice but doesn’t mean you all and I’d include your dad in this, have to miss out because of her stubbornness. I say that as a disabled person that uses aids to give me more freedom. My guess is after missing one or 2 trips she’ll change her mind. In. Between that you need to have set days when they visit, and no more than that or you will have to turn down other visits.

Your situation sounds completely different from that described by OP. You are obviously a great help to your daughter and do regular childcare for her. You sound very considerate unlike OP's mum. OP's mum can't help with childcare and sits around all day, either taking over the kitchen at lunchtime or expecting OP to make them lunch, while staying for hours on end.

Imisschampagne we could all stand as judges And we couldn’t possibly know how the parents would react. It’s harder to make relationships work than to destroy them tear them down! Where’s the mercy? Strong people show mercy as only they can. It’s takes a confident and wise person to see the other person’s perspective on things and only the mum in question truly knows the answer she’s just looking for reassurance and confirmation to a painful situation. Otherwise she would have told her parents to clear off and not bother to seek the advise of complete strangers

Ooo this hit a nerve for me. So my daughter has 2 children age 7 & 9. I've helped look after them a lot from being born. Both parents work full time so I do the childcare. I look after them after school 3 x a week. But leave not long after parents come home. I have them school holidays and some weekend care when parents shifts dictate.

No I feel bad for constantly seeing them. I wonder if I'm too much now. ... hmmm however I don't stay for food. I don't stay for hours. The children come to my house. And if I were there when they had naps I would suggest parents went for nap or out for some rest themselves and I stayed to look after children if or when they woke up so parents can sleep. Am I too much I'm wondering.

OP, I think you’re giving your parents and specifically more grace than appropriate.

youre beding over backwards to accommodate her feelings and accept her CPU fray transgressions while you’re buening out and your marriage plus family life is under more stress.

why do you do this? Why do you prioritise her feelings over your own and your families needs? You need to stop with the enmeshment you have towards your parents and read up on emotionally immature parents. By letting your mum dictate your daily life be abuse of her feelings you’re setting a bad precedent for your kids and you make yourself unnecessarily unhappy.

You just need to set boundaries ASAP, maybe even set up twice a month visits but that's it.

Yes that is very true.

Visiting my grandparents in Wales in the 50s, that’s exactly what happened. People just turned up, never turned their noses up at tea and cake and it was the norm. I remember my Nana making sure she always had homebaked cakes and biscuits in the house. To have nothing to offer them when people popped in (in spite of the fact they hadn’t been invited!) was an absolute disgrace and if that happened, it spread around the village like wildfire! Those were the days!

I feel suffocated just reading this!
I totally empathise with you and as many others here have said you will need to set some very clear boundaries and rules.
No doubt your Mum and Dad will try very hard to guilt-trip you-you will need to be firm. You know this, for your sake and for the sake of your DC & DH.
You are doing a great job, raising two very young children is hard. And you are not there to be 'house entertainment' for your parents, no matter how much you love them. Nor are your children.
If you are not clear about this now, their dependency and encroachment will only get worse.
I hope you can have an honest, calm and productive conversation with them. Good luck!

That's great, let OP have your address as you're happy to have people in whenever. A word of warning, her sister has already stopped seeing them due to their control issues and they will come around multiple times in the week with no warning and expect to be hosted.

I think maybe let your mum know how you feel. She then has two options, one to try and agree a happy medium that works for all or not bother to visit at all. It’s so sad that your relationship ship with each other is where it is. You can’t go on like this you’re so unhappy. In a loving and diplomatic way inform her it’s not working in its present form and it needs to change for the greater good of all the family and you welcome her understanding
I wish you well

Your house, your children, your rules. If they don’t follow them they don’t get to visit. Very simple.

I remember this in the 60's. My parents hated it.

I will love my parents to visit me whenever as long as I'm at home. They are clearly lonely. This wouldn't bother me at all. They can be there everyday.

Bless you it's really hard I wouldnt turn up uninvited to see my grankids and daughter although I only live around the corner from them.they visit me everyday but there are days I just want to be left alone and do my own thing it must be so draining for you

Remember older generations just turned up and knocked on, was like that when I was a child I'd call on my grandparents and they'd call on us unannounced, if fact they'd just tap on the door then it would open thought nothing of it. People are much much reclusive and anti social now. But they are old school.

No matter how badly I age, I really hope i don’t start turning up uninvited, stressing out relatives, putting marriages under strain and trampling over reasonable boundaries

I hope you all remember this if you have the misfortune to age with restrictive health conditions and are desperate to see your grandchildren. Have some empathy and come to some sort of routine to include them on specific days during the month.

I voted not unreasonable, however, i do think that maybe due to your parents having you at an older age, its making them want to spend as much time as possible with their grandchildren while they can. I do think they need to be respecting your boundries better though.

You may generalise.....years of working with adult people of all ages has taught me not to. And as for guessing my age from my username.....wrong! I am more internet security aware than that.

The issue for many is that people have DC later in life and live longer.
In this case the grandparents are already older and are trying to get the attention of their daughter (having already pressured one DD to the extent that she's cut contact), but the adult children have to prioritise their own children (and sanity).
The grandparents will need to use paid support when the time comes.

We all change. Not all becoming anxious, no, but also most elderly people are not perhaps always aware that they've changed. In fact most of us are not always that self aware and notice the changes in our own behaviours either.

With most things, and about most ages and things that kids go through we generalise, no? But of course there will always be variation and outliers.

If you were born in 1956 you're only 67. Sounds as if you're fit and healthy and hope it continues that way. My Mum did need no help from me until she was around 78/80. Even then she'd be able to cope on her own but I wanted to help but did note that she needed slightly longer transition times and time to get ready. Things slowed down for her. Not rocket science!

OP said her mother has rheumatoid arthritis that is a condition that often shortens life it isn't just a condition that affects mobility. On average it shortens life by between 3 and 10 years.

and that's my point! the vast majority of us are not known to people like you (and me when I was working) and DO NOT become needy or anxious.