Is he 'sensitive' or controlling?

Think long-term here...how is he going to cope with the smells a baby makes? How about cleaning products, is that a no go too? What about the noise children make? If he can't cope with a podcast or a deodorant smell, then it doesn't bode well for the future. I understand he is sensitive to smells and noise but you can't change your entire life, to suit him. He needs to find ways of coping, rather than expecting others to pander to his needs.

I haven’t read through all the replies , just a few. Sounds like my 12 year old daughter, she can’t eat with us, she hates the noise, she hates my smell, she is very sensitive to certain noise and smells. She can seem controlling. I took her to be assessed with adhd but psychologist say maybe asd, too. I would say he’s going to be hard work for you. My daughter puts up with eating thing out with friend and at school but meltdown at home. She also fiddles with my air con and radio, I can’t have radio on, she turns it right down so I can’t hear.

i don’t think he controlling in the abusive sense, because my daughter can be like that, and she once asked me to change my smell? I don’t smell but she picked up on something. And she got angry. It’s too much hard work. My daughter will always come first but I couldn’t put up with a. Man like that. What if you live together?

Yes, the sensitivities in themselves don't need to be an issue but the lack of awareness of the effect your sensitivities are having on others is an issue.

Nah....it sounds like OP was pretty accommodating to start with. Coming into someone else's home and turning off their radio is rude from whatever angle you look at it.
Getting in someone's car and making it comfortable for yourself w/o any consideration for the other person is rude.
It seems like OP would need to make all the compromises while this chap marches around making the environment suit his needs 'because of sensitivities'.
I wonder how he gets on at work.

It's not that he's sensitive to artificial smells and background noise - I am too - it's that he expects a romantic partner to change everyday things about the way they are to suit him. That's where he's going wrong. The person you share a home with needs to be broadly compatible to start with. He should have explained and offered friendship instead of romantic relationship as soon as he realised his nose/ears were uncomfortable. Immediately embarking on a project to mold you to his requirements is very weird and yes, controlling.

Well done for nipping this in the bud so early - we need a MN award for such moments!

Dump.
Tedious, selfish, self absorbed.

Definitely not father material.
Not someone to inflict on a child.

The type that would always have something wrong with them.

Would grow worse as he ages.

NOT someone to ever live with.
Sorry OP.

Is he autistic?

Glad to see you ask now holy heck!

You just did it? Without asking?

😱

I hope you did ask because being ND doesn't give you a pass to be rude? Wear loops or ear defenders if you can't stand noise?

Just to add I've got better as I've got older at being polite. E.g. do you mind if I turn off the radio, I can't concentrate with background noise. Or I'm really sorry but your air freshener is making me feel uncomfortable and overwhelmed, do you mind if I put it in a different room? But this didn't come naturally to be and is something I had to learn. (Even though now I can see it's completely obvious 😂).

I have ADHD too and I don't think she should compromise further!

She's already doing all the compromising unfortunately. It's on a hiding to nothing.

We can take some responsibility for ourselves and this man is doing none of that.

Exactly- he’s allowed to feel the way he does, but you’re allowed to not be with him as a result!

Yeah, throw him back!

He does sound like too much work, and as though everything has to revolve around him.

Some of the things he’s stated as preferences are things I share - I don’t like talking radio on in the background, I am travel sick and so need a relatively cool car, I don’t like certain smells like strong fabric softener. But I don’t think I’m the only one who deserves a preference and would certainly ask and explain first before changing the temperature in the car! I think driver’s preference always has priority, as they need to be comfortable enough not to be distracted by discomfort!

Edit - I think it’s also the way he’s saying it - as though he thinks his preference automatically has priority.

Imagine for a minute that he is very sensitive to sounds and smells. That loud noises distress him and smells make him feel very unwell.
Imagine he cant help this, its something in his genetics, either physical or mental.
Imagine how inconvenient this is for him.

Now imagine if you can cope with months, years or a life time having to cope with this.

Sounds like he has Sensory Processing Disorder. I have it too (and also ADHD), I can’t abide strong smells or a lot of noise (and I love feeling things 😂). He most likely has some sort of neurodivergence too. He can’t help this.

What he can help is inflicting his choices on you without asking your permission. He should be saying “Do you mind if I adjust the air on in the car?” “Do you mind if I switch off the podcast, it’s distracting when I’m talking to you”. Right now he’s riding roughshod over what you might want.

I think before you bin him off you should talk to him. Try to find a compromise. My DH puts up with all my foibles! He tries to keep the smells and noise in the house to a minimum. I coped with nappies by breathing through my nose! DH just teases me and tries to see the funny side.

Interesting that he tolerates things when it is something he wants to do.

I'm autistic and sensitive to smells, lighting, sounds. I know I've been rude before to friends and relatives when I've dimmed the lights or taken the batteries out of their clock, or unplugged their air fresheners when I go into their house, so I completely understand where he's coming from. Could he be autistic? DH is used to my nonsense and loves me anyway but if this is something you can't handle then maybe you aren't compatible. Does the good outway the bad? He maybe a controling wanker but he might be an undiagnosed asd guy just trying to live in the world without any understanding of why he is like that.

No. He sounds really really hard work and selfish.

"He walked in, pulled a face and immediately turned it off. I said 'Oi, I was listening to that' and he said 'Well, you can't listen to it when I'm here, can you?' "

Just don't bother with him. You will always be working so hard to keep him and his demands happy.

I also thought ND but exacerbated by single-dom and living alone (assuming he does), pleasing yourself all the time. I can say that because I'm in the exact same position If he's become totally used to changing his environment without a thought to suit him, and without needing to consider anyone else, speaking personally I find I can't think or have a conversation if the tv/podcast/music is on in the background at someone else's house. I have to actually remember my manners because my head is screaming 'turn that fucker off!'

But that's the point isn't it. ND explains the reaction, but it doesn't excuse his behaviour as a result of the ND reaction to stimuli. The lack of self-awareness and expectation that his needs come first is a choice - and if he really can't cope unless the world is tailored to his needs 24/7 then he'll struggle in a relationship.

ND people can be nice like NT people can be nice. It's about personality, not whether you are ND. Sorry it just bothered me the way you said that!

Yes I get sensitivies but I just remove myself. If something is bothering me noise wise, I put my loops in. If a smell bothers me, like my partner's spray, I aren't asking him to stop spraying it. But I also have sinusitis and the strong smells too early on a morning can make me cough so much I am sick and hurt my nose, so I ask if him he can just spray in his cupboard and open the windows until the claggy smell has gone. Men's sprays are so thick.

Luckily he loves me and isn't an ass and doesn't mind doing this for me. I don't demand he doesn't wear it! I aren't controlling with my sensory issues.

Same with foods, I would never demand he doesn't have them, I just don't want them. Like mushrooms or chicken skin, ugh they make my skin walk.

I do agree like you say compromise is needed. And this guy ain't compromising at all. Op is best leaving him to his own shit.

Seriously?

His possible ND status is unrelated to his behaviour towards the OP, which is controlling.

I really struggle with strong smells and also get car sick. The only request I make of my husband is if he can avoid wearing lots of aftershave if we are going out a long drive somewhere as I genuinely would end up really nauseous and getting a migraine. I can’t expect him to never wear aftershave or deodorant though. Does your partner never wear deodorant himself?

he sounds like really hard work and I don’t think I could be bothered with someone like that.

I don't think he's controlling, it sounds like he may be neurodiverse. The perfume issue is understandable and I have a friend who suffers terribly from fragrance allergy, it affects his whole life. I feel he should be seeking help for the other issues though

i was exhausted reading about him. he'll suck the joy out of being alive.

Also curious to know his relationship history !