We've been seeing each other five months, but taking it slowly because I've been working really hard and studying too, and he's involved in a research project that takes him away a lot. Nice guy, was beginning to think that this time I'd struck lucky and had found someone uncomplicated. I'm friendly with one of his former colleagues who talked about him and put us in touch professionally and things developed from there. Our first RL date was the best I've ever been on. Immediate chemistry, lots to talk about, made me laugh.
Before our second date he told me that he's sensitive to perfumes and would I mind not wearing scent when we were due to meet? No problem for me: I don't normally wear it anyway. After the fourth date we slept together in a hotel and spent the following day with each other. He asked me to shower with unperfumed body wash before we had sex and was quite concerned about how scented my Fussy deodorant was. As a result I had to go out and find an unscented natural deodorant the next morning. It didn't seem very effective and our nice time together was slightly marred by me feeling self-conscious about whiffy pits. I get that some people have intolerances to perfume, so I figured it was just a matter of changing products. He's also asked me to change my moisturiser and foundation: apparently the foundation is scented, though I never noticed it.
I assumed that if he was so sensitive and wanting to get up close and personal with me he'd take a daily anti-histamine or something to deal with his intolerance, but he doesn't. When I asked how he copes travelling on the tube and buses, or conferences, he says he just puts up with it. But he can't put up with my deodorant...
The first time I drove him in my car he got in and immediately fiddled with the heating and aircon without asking me whether I was comfortable, or whether I minded the aircon on. It seemed rude, and when I said 'Thanks for asking about my preferences' sarcastically he was quite defensive and talked about getting travel sick and needing plenty of fresh air. Again, his needs seem to have overridden mine.
We've stayed with each other several times now. I feel quite at home with him, no horrible surprises, and it's easy — except that he has total silence in his home and gets quite agitated if the neighbours make any noise. If I want to listen to anything I have to do it using earbuds. His home, his rules: I can do that. On Sunday he arrived at my place while I was preparing some food in the kitchen and listening to a podcast, which I was playing on a speaker. It wasn't very loud. He walked in, pulled a face and immediately turned it off. I said 'Oi, I was listening to that' and he said 'Well, you can't listen to it when I'm here, can you?'
I found myself saying that he was welcome to come and spend time with me in my home, but if I wanted to listen to something at reasonable volume, without earbuds, then he was going to have to tolerate it. He thought that was unreasonable and I ended up saying that I didn't think we were going to be able to enjoy spending time together if everything had to revolve around his sensitivities. He left, upset. We had a long conversation in the evening. He says he's confused: he's falling for me, he'd really like to make this relationship work — but he's sensitive to noise and smells and he really needs someone who'll understand that and be happy to change her life to accommodate him.
I'm all over the place at the moment. Am I being selfish? Don't relationships involve give and take? Do I just get over my sense of being controlled by his sensitivity and just get used to silence and unscented deodorant and being a bit too cool in the car? AIBU?