Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is he 'sensitive' or controlling?

306 replies

Finulasfriend · 05/05/2025 23:20

We've been seeing each other five months, but taking it slowly because I've been working really hard and studying too, and he's involved in a research project that takes him away a lot. Nice guy, was beginning to think that this time I'd struck lucky and had found someone uncomplicated. I'm friendly with one of his former colleagues who talked about him and put us in touch professionally and things developed from there. Our first RL date was the best I've ever been on. Immediate chemistry, lots to talk about, made me laugh.

Before our second date he told me that he's sensitive to perfumes and would I mind not wearing scent when we were due to meet? No problem for me: I don't normally wear it anyway. After the fourth date we slept together in a hotel and spent the following day with each other. He asked me to shower with unperfumed body wash before we had sex and was quite concerned about how scented my Fussy deodorant was. As a result I had to go out and find an unscented natural deodorant the next morning. It didn't seem very effective and our nice time together was slightly marred by me feeling self-conscious about whiffy pits. I get that some people have intolerances to perfume, so I figured it was just a matter of changing products. He's also asked me to change my moisturiser and foundation: apparently the foundation is scented, though I never noticed it.

I assumed that if he was so sensitive and wanting to get up close and personal with me he'd take a daily anti-histamine or something to deal with his intolerance, but he doesn't. When I asked how he copes travelling on the tube and buses, or conferences, he says he just puts up with it. But he can't put up with my deodorant...

The first time I drove him in my car he got in and immediately fiddled with the heating and aircon without asking me whether I was comfortable, or whether I minded the aircon on. It seemed rude, and when I said 'Thanks for asking about my preferences' sarcastically he was quite defensive and talked about getting travel sick and needing plenty of fresh air. Again, his needs seem to have overridden mine.

We've stayed with each other several times now. I feel quite at home with him, no horrible surprises, and it's easy — except that he has total silence in his home and gets quite agitated if the neighbours make any noise. If I want to listen to anything I have to do it using earbuds. His home, his rules: I can do that. On Sunday he arrived at my place while I was preparing some food in the kitchen and listening to a podcast, which I was playing on a speaker. It wasn't very loud. He walked in, pulled a face and immediately turned it off. I said 'Oi, I was listening to that' and he said 'Well, you can't listen to it when I'm here, can you?'

I found myself saying that he was welcome to come and spend time with me in my home, but if I wanted to listen to something at reasonable volume, without earbuds, then he was going to have to tolerate it. He thought that was unreasonable and I ended up saying that I didn't think we were going to be able to enjoy spending time together if everything had to revolve around his sensitivities. He left, upset. We had a long conversation in the evening. He says he's confused: he's falling for me, he'd really like to make this relationship work — but he's sensitive to noise and smells and he really needs someone who'll understand that and be happy to change her life to accommodate him.

I'm all over the place at the moment. Am I being selfish? Don't relationships involve give and take? Do I just get over my sense of being controlled by his sensitivity and just get used to silence and unscented deodorant and being a bit too cool in the car? AIBU?

OP posts:
LemonLeaves · 06/05/2025 13:07

Codlingmoths · 06/05/2025 12:19

He responded to say surely it was something we could work on, and I said no, I couldn't build my life around his sensitivities,
‘you’, not ‘we’. He meant you could work on it. You made the right decision op.

Completely agree. The "we" jumped right out there. It's pretty clear where he thinks the effort should come from (spoiler alert: not him).

BonfireToffee · 06/05/2025 13:06

Starling7 · 06/05/2025 12:18

A lot of people on the spectrum have sensitivities like this.

Being on the spectrum doesn't make you a rude, controlling arsehole.

SilviaSnuffleBum · 06/05/2025 12:57

I have a lot of sensory issues, so I understand how hard it can be to manage them, but there's fuck all chance I'd be going into someone's space and adjusting their radio/air con/whatever. I'd ASK, as that's what generally considerate people do.

I'm Autistic, so I also get differences in social and communication spheres, but sounds like he controls (rather than manages) his anxieties by trying to control the environment around him.

Fuck that. I'd stop seeing him for the deodorant thing alone (no-one comes between Mitchum and me!).

justasking111 · 06/05/2025 12:47

Thing is @Finulasfriend it's not something he andw another girl friend have to work on. But something he has to work on. My brother destroyed his first marriage being like this.

When I said he needed to talk to someone because of his Asperger's issues he blocked me for a time. But being intelligent did the research, got some help after the penny dropped. Worked on himself and found his second wife.

Starling7 · 06/05/2025 12:44

GoldBeautifulHeart · 06/05/2025 12:25

We absolutely do but that doesn't mean our needs mean we get to control the people around us. We can only control ourselves.

Show quote history

Perhaps he sees it as requesting rather than demanding? Even if it doesn't come across like that? I'm not saying his behaviour is right, just trying to answer the original post

Deckings · 06/05/2025 12:28

Well done OP.

Look up "The boiled frog analogy", because this is a perfect example of where you would find that the difference between all his issues/demands in month one, would be a tenth of what they are by month 12.

You would have a long list of things that he couldn't "cope" with.

Screw that, life would be absolutely miserable.
It would be all anout him and having a child with him would be a complete no no.

Everything in his life is about HIM and his comfort.

Who cares what acronym it is, its bloody awful to live with.

GoldBeautifulHeart · 06/05/2025 12:25

Starling7 · 06/05/2025 12:18

A lot of people on the spectrum have sensitivities like this.

We absolutely do but that doesn't mean our needs mean we get to control the people around us. We can only control ourselves.

Codlingmoths · 06/05/2025 12:19

He responded to say surely it was something we could work on, and I said no, I couldn't build my life around his sensitivities,
‘you’, not ‘we’. He meant you could work on it. You made the right decision op.

Starling7 · 06/05/2025 12:18

A lot of people on the spectrum have sensitivities like this.

JHound · 06/05/2025 12:15

Finulasfriend · 06/05/2025 11:31

Haven't managed to read all 200+ of the posts that have come in since I last responded, but this is a reaction to some things that keep coming up.

I agree that ND is the only likely explanation for this and I'd now agree with the rest of you that he's got to be ND. But I work with quite a few people with autism and ND and I genuinely wouldn't have said from talking and communicating and our early dates, and from his behaviour in public, that he was ND.

I wasn't thrown by the scent sensitivity because I've worked with someone who was actually allergic to some of the chemicals used in a lot of modern scents and used to go into respiratory distress. I think hers could be controlled to a great extent by the use of medication, which is why I assumed, in lieu of him telling me he was ND, that he had the same issue.

Coming into the house and turning off the radio. In most circumstances I would have turned off the podcast before going to open the front door to a guest, but he arrived 20 minutes before I was expecting him. I thought it was a delivery we were expecting. Instead it was him. I live in a Victorian house with a front room, a dining room and a separate kitchen. I greeted exBF, slightly miffed that he was early, told him I was cooking and needed to finish what I was doing and suggested he chill out in the front room while I finished in the kitchen. I went back into the kitchen and shut the door (cooking smells) and after a couple of minutes he came through and turned off the radio. I'm not one of those people who expects visitors to converse with me over the noise from the radio or TV. I thought I'd given him clear cues about what was expected of him — which was to sit down and keep out of my way for 10 minutes while I did what I needed to do.

For those who've laughed at my woefully low standards in men — no, not every man I've been out with has turned out to be a farting fiend, a dope-head or a beer mat collector. I wouldn't have said my standards were terribly low. They have to be intelligent, interested in the world, engaged and engaging and to like me. I don't go out with just anyone.

I finished it with him last night. I told him he was a decent bloke and suggested that for his next dating foray he looks for a woman who shares his noise and scent intolerances, because they were the stumbling block I couldn't live with and we simply weren't compatible on that basic level. I wished him well. He responded to say surely it was something we could work on, and I said no, I couldn't build my life around his sensitivities, which is why he needed to find someone with the same sensitivities. He didn't respond. Relieved that it's over, but feeling weary at the prospect of dating again.

I love this for you OP.

JHound · 06/05/2025 12:13

Also to your question OP: Is he sensitive or controlling.

I don’t think it matters. It’s an awful way to live and he sounds like an excessive amount of work.

I would knock it on the head and move on.

ABigBarofChocolate · 06/05/2025 12:05

Finulasfriend · 06/05/2025 11:31

Haven't managed to read all 200+ of the posts that have come in since I last responded, but this is a reaction to some things that keep coming up.

I agree that ND is the only likely explanation for this and I'd now agree with the rest of you that he's got to be ND. But I work with quite a few people with autism and ND and I genuinely wouldn't have said from talking and communicating and our early dates, and from his behaviour in public, that he was ND.

I wasn't thrown by the scent sensitivity because I've worked with someone who was actually allergic to some of the chemicals used in a lot of modern scents and used to go into respiratory distress. I think hers could be controlled to a great extent by the use of medication, which is why I assumed, in lieu of him telling me he was ND, that he had the same issue.

Coming into the house and turning off the radio. In most circumstances I would have turned off the podcast before going to open the front door to a guest, but he arrived 20 minutes before I was expecting him. I thought it was a delivery we were expecting. Instead it was him. I live in a Victorian house with a front room, a dining room and a separate kitchen. I greeted exBF, slightly miffed that he was early, told him I was cooking and needed to finish what I was doing and suggested he chill out in the front room while I finished in the kitchen. I went back into the kitchen and shut the door (cooking smells) and after a couple of minutes he came through and turned off the radio. I'm not one of those people who expects visitors to converse with me over the noise from the radio or TV. I thought I'd given him clear cues about what was expected of him — which was to sit down and keep out of my way for 10 minutes while I did what I needed to do.

For those who've laughed at my woefully low standards in men — no, not every man I've been out with has turned out to be a farting fiend, a dope-head or a beer mat collector. I wouldn't have said my standards were terribly low. They have to be intelligent, interested in the world, engaged and engaging and to like me. I don't go out with just anyone.

I finished it with him last night. I told him he was a decent bloke and suggested that for his next dating foray he looks for a woman who shares his noise and scent intolerances, because they were the stumbling block I couldn't live with and we simply weren't compatible on that basic level. I wished him well. He responded to say surely it was something we could work on, and I said no, I couldn't build my life around his sensitivities, which is why he needed to find someone with the same sensitivities. He didn't respond. Relieved that it's over, but feeling weary at the prospect of dating again.

I agree that you did the right thing. It's tarts with irritating things like that then his distain would grow for everything you do. One day you wake up and have no idea who you are.
I wish you luck with future dates. The fact that you've recognised this situation as a red flag is very positive xx

rosemarble · 06/05/2025 11:46

JLou08 · 06/05/2025 11:30

Sounds like sensory processing disorder. I don't think there's any element of coercive control there, he just can't manage the sensory input. It's up to you if you can live with it or not. I personally wouldn't want to give up fragranced products because nice smells really lift my mood. I could manage headphones for podcasts. It's for you to decide if you're compatible, and if the relationship is worth giving up or adapting some things.

But he's a grown man (not like the young girl a PP told us about).
He should be aware that in the society we live in, if you have SPD then you need to manage it in a way that doesn't bulldoze over other people, especially those who you care about ie. a woman he is dating.

It's not OK for him to come into OP's home and turn her radio off w/o even mentioning it, never mind asking or explaining.

DoRayMeMeMe · 06/05/2025 11:44

Finulasfriend · 06/05/2025 11:31

Haven't managed to read all 200+ of the posts that have come in since I last responded, but this is a reaction to some things that keep coming up.

I agree that ND is the only likely explanation for this and I'd now agree with the rest of you that he's got to be ND. But I work with quite a few people with autism and ND and I genuinely wouldn't have said from talking and communicating and our early dates, and from his behaviour in public, that he was ND.

I wasn't thrown by the scent sensitivity because I've worked with someone who was actually allergic to some of the chemicals used in a lot of modern scents and used to go into respiratory distress. I think hers could be controlled to a great extent by the use of medication, which is why I assumed, in lieu of him telling me he was ND, that he had the same issue.

Coming into the house and turning off the radio. In most circumstances I would have turned off the podcast before going to open the front door to a guest, but he arrived 20 minutes before I was expecting him. I thought it was a delivery we were expecting. Instead it was him. I live in a Victorian house with a front room, a dining room and a separate kitchen. I greeted exBF, slightly miffed that he was early, told him I was cooking and needed to finish what I was doing and suggested he chill out in the front room while I finished in the kitchen. I went back into the kitchen and shut the door (cooking smells) and after a couple of minutes he came through and turned off the radio. I'm not one of those people who expects visitors to converse with me over the noise from the radio or TV. I thought I'd given him clear cues about what was expected of him — which was to sit down and keep out of my way for 10 minutes while I did what I needed to do.

For those who've laughed at my woefully low standards in men — no, not every man I've been out with has turned out to be a farting fiend, a dope-head or a beer mat collector. I wouldn't have said my standards were terribly low. They have to be intelligent, interested in the world, engaged and engaging and to like me. I don't go out with just anyone.

I finished it with him last night. I told him he was a decent bloke and suggested that for his next dating foray he looks for a woman who shares his noise and scent intolerances, because they were the stumbling block I couldn't live with and we simply weren't compatible on that basic level. I wished him well. He responded to say surely it was something we could work on, and I said no, I couldn't build my life around his sensitivities, which is why he needed to find someone with the same sensitivities. He didn't respond. Relieved that it's over, but feeling weary at the prospect of dating again.

You did the right thing.

If you have a think about what “work on” would actually entail it will be that you get used to his demands- just over a slightly longer period of time: the rate at which the frog is boiled will be slowed down- but ultimately you’ll still be boiled.

Well done OP.

GoldBeautifulHeart · 06/05/2025 11:44

askmenow · 06/05/2025 11:21

Weirdo and not worth wasting time on. That's why he's alone.
The effrontery of entering your home and turning off your music/podcast because it offends "his" sensibilities.Doh!

Are you calling him a weirdo due to his controlling ways or his sensitivies?

Fair to call him weird for being controlling but not fair to call him weird on his sensitivies, if his sensitivies are genuine. Some people cannot help that although that's not op's problem.

Calliopespa · 06/05/2025 11:32

The problem was he wasn’t concerned about how his sensitivities affected you, only how they affected him.

Takenoprisoner · 06/05/2025 11:32

YehRight · 06/05/2025 01:41

Bonkers conclusion. 🤣

Show quote history

Not bonkers at all. This is the MO of many cheaters, which is why many of these cheats buy all 'their women' the exact same perfume so as not to be outed by a perfume. The number of women whose suspicions are raised by their partners and husbands smelling 'different' who then go onto discover cheating is staggering.

Original poster
Finulasfriend · 06/05/2025 11:31

Haven't managed to read all 200+ of the posts that have come in since I last responded, but this is a reaction to some things that keep coming up.

I agree that ND is the only likely explanation for this and I'd now agree with the rest of you that he's got to be ND. But I work with quite a few people with autism and ND and I genuinely wouldn't have said from talking and communicating and our early dates, and from his behaviour in public, that he was ND.

I wasn't thrown by the scent sensitivity because I've worked with someone who was actually allergic to some of the chemicals used in a lot of modern scents and used to go into respiratory distress. I think hers could be controlled to a great extent by the use of medication, which is why I assumed, in lieu of him telling me he was ND, that he had the same issue.

Coming into the house and turning off the radio. In most circumstances I would have turned off the podcast before going to open the front door to a guest, but he arrived 20 minutes before I was expecting him. I thought it was a delivery we were expecting. Instead it was him. I live in a Victorian house with a front room, a dining room and a separate kitchen. I greeted exBF, slightly miffed that he was early, told him I was cooking and needed to finish what I was doing and suggested he chill out in the front room while I finished in the kitchen. I went back into the kitchen and shut the door (cooking smells) and after a couple of minutes he came through and turned off the radio. I'm not one of those people who expects visitors to converse with me over the noise from the radio or TV. I thought I'd given him clear cues about what was expected of him — which was to sit down and keep out of my way for 10 minutes while I did what I needed to do.

For those who've laughed at my woefully low standards in men — no, not every man I've been out with has turned out to be a farting fiend, a dope-head or a beer mat collector. I wouldn't have said my standards were terribly low. They have to be intelligent, interested in the world, engaged and engaging and to like me. I don't go out with just anyone.

I finished it with him last night. I told him he was a decent bloke and suggested that for his next dating foray he looks for a woman who shares his noise and scent intolerances, because they were the stumbling block I couldn't live with and we simply weren't compatible on that basic level. I wished him well. He responded to say surely it was something we could work on, and I said no, I couldn't build my life around his sensitivities, which is why he needed to find someone with the same sensitivities. He didn't respond. Relieved that it's over, but feeling weary at the prospect of dating again.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 06/05/2025 11:30

Sounds like sensory processing disorder. I don't think there's any element of coercive control there, he just can't manage the sensory input. It's up to you if you can live with it or not. I personally wouldn't want to give up fragranced products because nice smells really lift my mood. I could manage headphones for podcasts. It's for you to decide if you're compatible, and if the relationship is worth giving up or adapting some things.

askmenow · 06/05/2025 11:21

Weirdo and not worth wasting time on. That's why he's alone.
The effrontery of entering your home and turning off your music/podcast because it offends "his" sensibilities.Doh!

Ilikeadrink14 · 06/05/2025 11:19

outerspacepotato · 05/05/2025 23:31

He already has you completely changing what you use for personal care and now you get stinky, he wants you to change your skin care and makeup, he wants complete silence in his home and your home, and he blasts the AC while not giving a crap that you're cold. He started this before your second date. You can't listen to music or a podcast in your own home.

Get outta here with that uber controlling nonsense. He's not sensitive, he's weird and controlling as fuck. Or, you're the side chick.

Edited

Absolutely this! He won’t get better over time and will almost definitely get worse. He will probably stop you seeing friends, and maybe even family.
LEAVE! Quickly - before he takes away all your self esteem. He sounds awful.
If others have said this, I apologise, but I didn’t have time to read all the posts.

notthisoldlineagain · 06/05/2025 11:09

mildlydispeptic · 06/05/2025 08:00

Whatever the reason for his noise and odour intolerances, he sounds like a very bad candidate to start a family with, if that’s on the cards!

There's no way he could cope with children, with all the noise and smells. Imagine his reaction to a dirty nappy?! Children are extremely loud and you cannot switch them off like a podcast.

He sounds like hard work and there's the risk that this is the easiest point in your relationship and it's already tricky.

sparkleghost · 06/05/2025 11:06

Sounds like he might have sensory issues (which antihistamines won’t help with) rather than allergies. As an allergic asthmatic I felt sympathy for the first few sentences but he lost me at fiddling with your car air con and turning off your podcast. I don’t think he’s necessarily being deliberately controlling - he might not be able to help it (sounds like SPD to me). That doesn’t make you unreasonable for feeling frustrated by his sensitivities though, and I think it’s right that you’re questioning whether this is something you can tolerate or adjust to in the long term. Sounds like you two are incompatible sadly.

Bonbon21 · 06/05/2025 10:57

I can't stand perfumes.. they make me want to heave.

But there ain't nobody takin' my music away!!!😠
You have made the right decision!

Hankunamatata · 06/05/2025 10:52

Nope. Couldn't cope with that

He sounds a bit like Sheldon from big bang theory. It's all a bit me me me