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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask if you’ve regretted leaving

157 replies

CalmReader · 05/05/2025 19:31

Hi everyone,

I’m really hoping for some perspective and maybe to hear from others who’ve been in a similar situation.

My husband and I are in our mid-30s. On paper, everything looks great — he’s a genuinely lovely man, a brilliant dad to our daughter, we get on well, rarely argue, and we’ve built a nice, stable life together. There’s mutual respect, we co-parent well, and we’re kind to each other. From the outside, it probably looks ideal.

But the truth is, I haven’t felt any romantic or physical attraction to him for years. If I’m honest with myself, it’s probably been gone longer than I’ve been willing to admit. There’s no passion, no intimacy, and I have no desire to be sexually close to him. He feels more like a good friend or a relative than a partner.

We’re currently separated but still living in the same house, in separate bedrooms, trying to figure out what comes next. I keep wondering: can attraction ever come back after being gone so long? Is it something you can rebuild — or once it’s gone, is that it?

He’s a good man, and I don’t want to make a decision I’ll regret, especially when we have a peaceful home and a child involved. But I also can’t ignore the fact that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a sexless, loveless marriage at this age. I want more than just companionship — I want to feel connected, desired, and alive again.

I suppose I’m asking: has anyone else been through this? Did the feelings ever come back, or was it better to walk away?

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
shalamakooky · 05/05/2025 20:22

Therapy

Also look for couples therapy worksheets online (TherapistAid). Helps you dig deeper

(I’m a therapist)

arethereanyleftatall · 05/05/2025 20:22

Just reading through the comments, it’s so often that people think the comparison is this, or a different man. No. The comparison is this, or single.

shalamakooky · 05/05/2025 20:20

I work would on intimacy / sex / date nights / dressing up / date night / surprises / stepping out of the comfort zone / games etc

after a child it gets a bit dry , even no kids and been together years, you both get complacent sexually

arethereanyleftatall · 05/05/2025 20:20

Nope, I’ve never once regretted leaving. Am blown away by how nice being single is. The peace, the freedom, the complete lack of negativity in my life. Having sampled singledom as a proper grown up, is is extremely unlikely I would ever choose to live with a man again. I was actually thinking today, the only reason I’d date again, is sex. Because without sex, I find the company of females much better.

ExtraOnions · 05/05/2025 20:16

Sexless does not automatically mean Loveless.

Me & DH Love each other, we have a lovely life, we laugh everyday, we spend the time so well. We don’t have sex anymore though, we are still affectionate, and I don’t feel like our relationship is worse for not having sex.

He’s a good man, not easily found.

BeansCounter · 05/05/2025 20:13

Do you think that you could work together to bring it back? Is the lack of intimacy driven by you?

I'm not sure I would give up what you have for sex and desire. It's really personal, isn't it. Like the previous poster said, you've got to be prepared to be happy on your own too.

From what I understand from single friends, it's a shit show out there when dating. I don't know if I could face that in all honesty either. I'd much rather try and reconnect first, if that then doesn't work then plan B.

HeatedBlanketAllYear · 05/05/2025 20:03

You could just stay and be friendly co-parents as you have been. Many people would. But you’ll continue to feel there’s something missing, living a half life where you’re unfulfilled and that eats away at you. You’ve got years left to find someone whose clothes you want to rip off every time you see them. And don’t you think your husband deserves that too?

The main risk here is finding someone you fancy who doesn’t treat you as well as your husband does if he’s a good man. So choose wisely. You also have to be ok with being single as that’s a high possibility too.
FWIW the best sex of my life was after my divorce, not before. I don’t regret my divorce for a second.