To ask if you’ve regretted leaving

I think it's not a bad shout to have some time on your own.

But if you can't, how would you feel about a cosy evening in by yourself, or being out at the theatre with your friends, compared to a lovely meal out somewhere with him? Which would you prefer, in your heart? Say it was to be the last evening of your life and those were the choices. Which one grabs you the most?

OP your marriage sounds must better than mine was, but 25 years after leaving I regret doing so every day. Sometimes love is only sleeping.

Could you take DC with you. It would give you time to see how it is just you and her? I am older than you but have felt the same for a long long time. Do I wish I had left? I really don’t know. I may have been happier but may have regretted it.

Honestly not sure. We went through a really shit period but about a month age I threatened separation and he instantly cheered up his mood.

The house is much better but…for me it’s a little performative. And I just can’t get ‘those’ feelings back. Like I don’t even want him to kiss me, and he’s starting to get pissed off and hurt.

It’s going to come to a head at some point. I am constantly horny, constantly, but not for him.

My husband came home from work in the mood. I shied away. There’s only so long this is going to continue before everything majorly goes to shit.

Would he be interested in opening up your marriage? Very risky but better than just splitting up straight away?

Could you go away for a week or so to have some time to yourself to see if you miss him? It might rekindle some passion but might also give you an understanding of what it would be like without him?

No child has ever thanked their parents for staying in an unhappy marriage on their account. It's not what you would want for your own parents either, is it?

This depends very much what comes after the split. For me and dsis it was "out of the frying pan into the fire", but then dm sure knew how to pick em!

(She wasn't happy either and regretted it, in case that needed saying)

Very succinct

Try couples therapy.

Spend five minutes on the step parenting board before leaving because you think the grass is greener.

No regrets here.

I split up with my XH 15 years ago because I wasn't feeling it and I wasn't prepared to spend the rest of my life unhappy.

The idea that I might still be married to him today is plain ludicrous.

You only get one life. Don't waste it with a man you're not happy with. No child has ever thanked their parents for staying in an unhappy marriage on their account. It's not what you would want for your own parents either, is it?

@Flowerpie I relate strongly to your post.

Please excuse me psychoanalysing it, but where you say "going back to my ex would mean a rekindling of the family life that I have lost and miss greatly", I feel this with my xh too (father of my dc). I've felt that the whole 8 years we've been apart.

But I've now realised the reason is, he was the only "home" I ever had, as my childhood was abusive and disrupted, so there wasn't really a physical or emotional base there.

Could that be the case with you? I'd say that as your dc are already teenagers, try to look for that sense of home within yourself/with your friends. then when ready, have romantic relationships with people you're attracted to on an adult-to-adult level.

I'm a single parent. I don't regret leaving my ex, we had more issues than you.

But it's not easy. Financially it's terrible. You feel enormous guilt about the kids particularly if they're clinging onto your legs not wanting to go to dad's (or the equivalent).

I'm knackered and have no time for dating, or inclination to as I've got so much on my plate already dating feels like a hassle. I'm fully accepting I might be single for ever. And fine with that.

If that was the case for you, would you still want it?

OP do you want more children?

But I also can’t ignore the fact that I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a sexless, loveless marriage at this age.

You don't need to spend the rest of your life in a sexless, loveless marriage- just until your child reaches adulthood. She comes first now, and her having a stable family and living with both her parents comes before your sex life.

@CalmReader this is such a difficult situation. I can relate although my situation is slightly different.

I was married to my exDH for 20 years. We have three teen dc. Our relationship was always up and down but towards the end was pretty emotionally abusive and toxic. We tried counselling, and we were both heartbroken, but decided to separate about a year and a half ago.

It's been difficult, but now we're in a place where we're co parenting amicably, the dc all seem ok with everything and things seem to have settled down.

I've been having counselling, and realised that a lot of my and my ex's problems came from childhood trauma on both our sides. I've really worked on myself, my ex also seems to have worked on himself, and our relationship is a lot better.

Basically, I know my ex still loves me. And I still love him, but as you say about your DH, it's a more family type love. I don't desire him, or feel passion for him. But I love him as a family member and friend, with children together and a long shared history.

I met someone else a year ago who I feel very attracted towards. There is a lot of chemistry, and we get on very well in every other way too. But I feel so torn - I don't know whether to give it a go with the new guy, or try again with my ex. Basically, going back to my ex would mean a rekindling of the family life that I have lost and miss greatly. But it would also mean a life without passion and intimacy.

I keep thinking (as PPs have said) that every relationship becomes like friends after a while, so maybe it's mad to throw everything away for a soul mate type connection (which is what I feel with this new guy). I have no idea what the right thing to do is in this type of situation.

Sorry for the long post, but I just wanted to offer you solidarity, and say I understand your situation and how difficult it is!

We're onto something!