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Original poster

Not to have gone to DSDs tournament?

61 replies

LittleDidSheKnow0 · 05/05/2025 17:44

Settle something between me and DH please.

DSD had a tournament today for a hobby that she is very involved in. It's her first one and it was a long event, nearly all day. Needed to be there about 8am and got back about 4pm.

I knew DH would be going and didn't think much else about it aside from obviously checking in with DSD on the run up asking how she was feeling about it.

DH asked me last night randomly if I would come with them to support DSD. It's the first time he had brought up me attending. I said no, I wasn't planning on as it was too long of an event for our DD. She is 5 and would have been bored as hell stood around all day. Not much else was said and I wished DSD good luck this morning and then went on my way with DD out for the day by ourselves.

DH text me a couple of times throughout the day saying it's a shame I couldn't be there and that I should come up however DD and I were already out by this point so couldn't make it.

When he got home he said he was disappointed I didn't come and the fact that DSD's mums husband came was brought up.

I said it would have been too much for our DC and I knew, understandably, that I'd have been left to run around after DD all day while DH supported DSD and that it's very different for ex and her husband as they do have a child but he is a newborn baby so in a pram. DH says that's just what families have to deal with when there are siblings.

I feel like I'm being unfairly guilt tripped when he didn't even ask me to go until yesterday.

Was I unreasonable not to have gone to DSDs tournament and to have said it would have been too much for our DD and to think it's not a big deal that DH went and I took DD out elsewhere.

DSD is 13 and I of course made a fuss when she got home.

OP posts:
Love51 · 05/05/2025 18:08

Depending on how frequent these things are they can get very dull. As far as I'm concerned we have done our bit if we get the child there with one parent. A friend of mine feels very differently and goes to all her children's practises even on her ex's weekend.

I suspect DH wanted you there to chat to for the long periods of time when the child isn't with the parent but isn't competing at that moment. These are dull but possibly also awkward for him with his ex (and partner) being there.

NicolaCasanova · 05/05/2025 18:08

The cynic in me says he was bored or didn’t want to make small talk to the other parents so wanted you there for company.

Or feels uncomfortable as a lone dad around a load of teenage girls / doesn’t want to take photos of DD in case it looks pervy (not re: DD but if there are teenage girls milling around.)

Is there a bar at the event and he wanted you to be the designated driver?

Is he scared / unwilling / feigning helplessness to parent by himself e.g. help DD get ready (hair styling?), cope with DD’s émotions if she comes last or is injured etc., make conversation with DD on long car journey there and back? Or other helplessness such as driving somewhere new, parking, deciding where to sit / how involved to be as a first-time parent / how to talk to the coach or other parents / when, what and how to feed and water himself and DD?

JustRollIt · 05/05/2025 18:08

If you could have attended for some of it I would have suggested that but not the whole thing with a 5 year old. I think for next time suggest this compromise. I am sure DSD will end up watching something their half sibling is in, school play or whatever. It is nice for family to support each other if they can.

toomuchfaff · 05/05/2025 18:06

This smacks that you have no interest in DSD hobby, what she's involved in, what she finds interesting, what she is putting (great) effort too. That you thought nothing more of not going because it'd be a long day, that you DC would be put out by it, that you couldn't (insert another blanket excuse)

If a child is interested in something, surely as "step" mum , you should at least put in a little effort and encouragement, and i don't mean shouting "good luck" as she leaves.

Maybe she hasn't taken that from it? Maybe she has? Maybe you've just shown DSD where in your pecking order she comes?

KnittyNell · 05/05/2025 18:06

I would have gone even if only for an hour or so.

Oldraver · 05/05/2025 18:04

When he asked you to go at the last minute, was this after he found out her Mum's husband was going ,,?

Tiswa · 05/05/2025 18:00

DD used to do chess and I never went to a tournament because I was looking at DS and she was fine with it. She had lots of people there she didn’t need more

Ponoka7 · 05/05/2025 17:59

My eldest used to have dance shows etc. My DH would take her and I'd have the youngest, then the younger two. I often have my youngest GC, while my DD is doing something with her eldest, choir etc. So this is a matter of catering for both, rather than a step situation. How is he feeling about her having another baby? Is it that, possibly?

Pleaseshutthefuckup · 05/05/2025 17:56

Flamingo68 · 05/05/2025 17:53

Would it have been an option to go for just some of it?

This is the first thought in my mind. Popping down to show support could have meant alot to her.

He left it very last minute and I wonder why that was.

AnneElliott · 05/05/2025 17:54

YANBU. It’s bonkers taking a 5 year old to something like that. I didn’t and wouldn’t have done with DS. If it was that important I attended I’d have to find someone to babysit.

Flamingo68 · 05/05/2025 17:53

Would it have been an option to go for just some of it?