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Original poster

Not to have gone to DSDs tournament?

61 replies

LittleDidSheKnow0 · 05/05/2025 17:44

Settle something between me and DH please.

DSD had a tournament today for a hobby that she is very involved in. It's her first one and it was a long event, nearly all day. Needed to be there about 8am and got back about 4pm.

I knew DH would be going and didn't think much else about it aside from obviously checking in with DSD on the run up asking how she was feeling about it.

DH asked me last night randomly if I would come with them to support DSD. It's the first time he had brought up me attending. I said no, I wasn't planning on as it was too long of an event for our DD. She is 5 and would have been bored as hell stood around all day. Not much else was said and I wished DSD good luck this morning and then went on my way with DD out for the day by ourselves.

DH text me a couple of times throughout the day saying it's a shame I couldn't be there and that I should come up however DD and I were already out by this point so couldn't make it.

When he got home he said he was disappointed I didn't come and the fact that DSD's mums husband came was brought up.

I said it would have been too much for our DC and I knew, understandably, that I'd have been left to run around after DD all day while DH supported DSD and that it's very different for ex and her husband as they do have a child but he is a newborn baby so in a pram. DH says that's just what families have to deal with when there are siblings.

I feel like I'm being unfairly guilt tripped when he didn't even ask me to go until yesterday.

Was I unreasonable not to have gone to DSDs tournament and to have said it would have been too much for our DD and to think it's not a big deal that DH went and I took DD out elsewhere.

DSD is 13 and I of course made a fuss when she got home.

OP posts:
GoldenOrangee · 05/05/2025 21:32

I have just recently attended something similar for my younger brother (12) - a day long football tournament. I went with my younger child who is four and I am not going to lie it was seriously hard work. Four year old did not want to stand around watching football all day and was just running around and everyone was practicing who were not playing so they were just dodging flying footballs (a few people were hit by them). I couldn't relax because of this either.

It's really not fun taking young children to these events and I actually barely got to watch my brother anyway because of above.

Sounds like your DSD had lots of support there and you gave her lots of encouragement before and after.

GoodVibesHere · 05/05/2025 21:31

It would seem a bit OTT to have four adults watching her at the tornament, seems a bit unecessary really.

MellowPinkDeer · 05/05/2025 21:31

I wouldn’t have gone. We usually are all in different directions on a weekend with the kids doing their thing. Don’t buy in to the guilt trip !

TooBored1 · 05/05/2025 21:27

Meh, it might have been nice of you to go but equally, you were not unreasonable not to go. My older DD took part in all day events and it was very rare that we all (both parents plus younger siblings) went. And younger siblings would have been 9ish by then.

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DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/05/2025 21:13

We had something similar recently and only one parent went. Not fair on the sibling that would have had to sit through lots of other stuff just to watch their bigger sibling for a few minutes (which they would have liked to be fair)

AliBaliBee1234 · 05/05/2025 21:12

He asked you to go just to part of it though right? But you'd decided to go out.

I would have made the effort to go for an hour or two if it was important to my stepson to be totally honest.

Calmdownpeople · 05/05/2025 21:09

Supporting your step daughter for an hour would have meant the world to her and your five year old would have coped for an hour. I can guarantee that one hour of their whole life wouldnt have left a traumatic dent.

I voted YABU because you could have gone for a short while and changed your plans with your other child.

The timing and people going is beside the point. Why wouldnt you want to go to begin with?

abricotine · 05/05/2025 21:09

We’re a big family and one parent does the hobby and the other has the other kids. At 13 I would not expect to wait around and watch all day even as the solo parent tbh, although as it’s the first one maybe that’s different.
4 parents/step parents there for one competitor is just ridiculous frankly unless it’s some kind of national final!

Createausername1970 · 05/05/2025 21:07

Oldraver · 05/05/2025 18:04

When he asked you to go at the last minute, was this after he found out her Mum's husband was going ,,?

That was what I thought.

Tell DH that you will take DSD next time and he can have responsibility for DD. If he chooses to go along too, it's him that is entertaining her all day.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 05/05/2025 21:03

Yanbu. I always think it’s unfair when
siblings are expected to hang round those things for hours. Divide and conquer.

ThePoshUns · 05/05/2025 21:02

It wouldn’t have hurt to have gone and watched some of it.

Ablondiebutagoody · 05/05/2025 20:58

Once I knew the time, I would have popped down with DD to watch her compete

JoyousEagle · 05/05/2025 19:01

I think he’s wrong to say that this is what all families with siblings do. My siblings and I would never have been taken to an all day event for one of our siblings.

Original poster
LittleDidSheKnow0 · 05/05/2025 18:58

I could have gone up for some of the day yes but with practice ect.. we weren't sure of DSDs time until the day. When DH got there and found out the time she'd be competing, I was already on my way out with DD for the day.

We all get on really well, DH and I and ex and her husband so I'm not sure if there was anything in the fact that her husband went. More that it highlighted to DH that I wasn't there because 'John' came too, meaning I was the only one missing.

I thought the same as PPs that often one parent will be with the younger kids and the other will be at the event.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 05/05/2025 18:20

If he genuinely thought you being there was important he would have asked way before the previous night.
I think it's quite nice for DSD to come home and relay the bits she enjoyed to someone ( you and DD ) she had 3 adults there, parents that are together split time with their children also so it's not different imo.

Mindymomo · 05/05/2025 18:17

Depends on what the tournament was, if it was outside and there were stalls for food, drinks etc then I would have gone, if not for all day, but certainly for some of it, just to support her.

Ladamesansmerci · 05/05/2025 18:15

toomuchfaff · 05/05/2025 18:06

This smacks that you have no interest in DSD hobby, what she's involved in, what she finds interesting, what she is putting (great) effort too. That you thought nothing more of not going because it'd be a long day, that you DC would be put out by it, that you couldn't (insert another blanket excuse)

If a child is interested in something, surely as "step" mum , you should at least put in a little effort and encouragement, and i don't mean shouting "good luck" as she leaves.

Maybe she hasn't taken that from it? Maybe she has? Maybe you've just shown DSD where in your pecking order she comes?

I think this is a stretch. I have an 11mo baby. My wife does a sport, and attends competitions. I don't currently attend, because it would be an absolute hassle to take a baby to a lengthy competition that are also often quite long car rides away. I absolutely am interested and care what she puts effort into, but our baby's needs come first.

If you've been to one of those competitions, you'd know that a 5 year old would be absolutely bored out of their mind. It's not like they can be running around either.

As a compromise, I think you could have just dropped in for half an hour, OP. But this was last minute and OP may already have booked something to do with the other kid.

SuperSange · 05/05/2025 18:15

Oldraver · 05/05/2025 18:04

When he asked you to go at the last minute, was this after he found out her Mum's husband was going ,,?

Totally this.

Flatwhitefiend · 05/05/2025 18:14

Whether you could just go for a wee bit completely changes the perspective. If you could have gone for a bit then yes it would be nice to have gone and shown some support. It is what siblings do. My sister and I would have been dragged along to each other’s events to support each other.

TomatoSandwiches · 05/05/2025 18:13

Sounds like he didn't care u till he got wind of his exs husband coming.
Probably wanted you there for himself, nothing to do with DSD.
You had a lovely day out with your daughter, DSD had 3 adults supporting her, nothing wrong with that imo.

Visiblyabove25 · 05/05/2025 18:12

My youngest does spend a lot of time watching his big siblings’ activities & always has. I do think it’s a nice part of being a family & showing up for each other. If I was you, I think I would’ve gone along for at least some of the time. Having said that, your DH should’ve checked your plans sooner.

pizzaHeart · 05/05/2025 18:11

I thought of understand his feelings and I would consider to go for a little bit in your shoes.
However are you sure it’s not about him feeling bored and lonely while his ex was with her other half? Of course he would feel better with you there but how interesting and easy would it be for your DD?

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/05/2025 18:10

Did her stepdad have to watch a bored 5-year-old while he watched?

Mine went to watch a lot of their brother's sporting events, they tell me now how annoying it was.

TheNightingalesStarling · 05/05/2025 18:10

Its very normal when there is more than one child and more than one parent available to divide and do separate things. It doesn't mean you don't care, its about being practical

Dinosaurshoebox · 05/05/2025 18:09

toomuchfaff · 05/05/2025 18:06

This smacks that you have no interest in DSD hobby, what she's involved in, what she finds interesting, what she is putting (great) effort too. That you thought nothing more of not going because it'd be a long day, that you DC would be put out by it, that you couldn't (insert another blanket excuse)

If a child is interested in something, surely as "step" mum , you should at least put in a little effort and encouragement, and i don't mean shouting "good luck" as she leaves.

Maybe she hasn't taken that from it? Maybe she has? Maybe you've just shown DSD where in your pecking order she comes?

Maybe OP isn't into it? Maybe she doesn't care or isn't interested.

That's OK. She's the stepmother.
She has her own children to occupy her time with.