DH going away, 9 month old baby

I’m really sorry you’re getting advice to stop feeding and to sleep train because your partner wants to go away for a hobby trip. Personally, I would put it back to him - he needs to make the decision and I’d be pretty annoyed if he decided to go. Having kids and parenting often means putting their needs first - I say this as a breastfeeding, co-sleeping parent who didn’t get away for a few years - my husband didn’t either btw, he recognised that I needed support despite him not being able to feed! Nine months is tough - often recognised as the hardest sleep wise. If focused on attachment, Lyndsey hookway has some good info on how to gently support but it should start to get better from now. A lot of parents who BF find 8-10 very hard sleep wise so you are in the midst of it. If he goes, see if you can get other support - a friend or grandparent to pop around so you can go to bed early. Batch cook or order in. Book cleaner. Appreciate all this is privilege but sounds like money isn’t an issue. The Fair play book/website could be helpful in deciding how you manage to divide tasks going forward.

It's sad that you had to go back to work full-time if he can afford trips overseas for his hobby.

It's exhausting with a baby, and working full-time so early is not ideal.

That aside, you want to punish your Dh for having a good time, or you want for you both to be miserable and exhausted. That's not terribly helpful.

Don't turn it into a competition of who's the most tired.

You can't leave the baby, but you could all go spend a weekend somewhere AI soon where you can rest and DH takes care of the baby unless he needs feeding.

I don't think it's fair or reasonable to expect your DH to cancel his trip just because you are tired.

I would let him go, it's obviously something that's really important to him. I don't understand why a stag do would be ok, but a hobby he is clearly very passionate about isn't.

BUT it's clear from your posts @ChunkyFTMMum that you absolutely don't want him to go. My opinion and the opinion of everyone else here is completely irrelevant. Tell him not to go because that's what you want. Clearly expressing your wants and needs is crucial to a successful relationship. You don't want him to go, tell him.

I think he’s being a bit of an arse. Work trips are one thing; they pay the bills. But him fucking off to have fun for a week, at a time when you’re being run ragged, is really bloody selfish. You shouldn’t have to ask him not to go. He should just see that it is not the time.

This isn’t a case of you being the parent and he’s just the assistant so it doesn’t really matter if he buggers off and has a nice little break. Parenting is supposed to be 50/50. And I’d be willing to bet that if you went off for a week’s holiday the day after you’ve stopped breastfeeding, and left it all to him, he would lose his shit and would be on the phone within 24 hours demanding that you return because the baby won’t settle for him.

I think you can either seethe about it, which won’t achieve anything, or you can talk to him and ask him if he really thinks that he’s being fair, fucking off on a jolly when your DC is at their most demanding. If he agrees to cancel, then great. If he refuses then tell him that he’s a grown adult and that you obviously can’t stop him from going, but you’re pretty surprised that he thought it was an acceptable time to book such a trip, and you’ll struggle to take him seriously if he ever claims to be an equal partner or a responsible parent again.

Why have you quoted me? I have already posted that she needs to discuss the situation with him and tell him what she needs. So why are you arguing with me?

That post that you quoted is about the fact that this doesn’t relate to being a single mother. OP asked about how to tackle an issue in her relationship and people are saying things like ‘Well what do you think single mothers do?’ And ‘why don’t you sleep train?’ When what she wants to know is - ‘Is my partner being fair?’ Respond to her about that instead.

You couldn’t predict any of this when he booked the trip last year. Things have changed - that’s life!

I would ask him not to go. He’s not going to make the decision for you - by you not speaking up, you’ve essentially given him ‘permission’ to go, he won’t be feeling guilty when he’s away.

Ditch the guilt and tell him you need him to stay at home.

Full-time worker? Breast-feeing and this swine goes away not for work but because of a hobby? Nip it in the bud, this is not on. The said thing is that you HAVE to ask and that he has not an ounce of shame and decency not to suggest this stupid thing.

You’ll be fine OP

I think there are arguments for and against asking him to cancel. BUT if you don’t ask him to cancel, he can do major prep for you. Leave a spotless house, a fridge full of fully prepped meals and supplies etc so all you need to do is get up, eat your fully prepped breakfast, go to work, come home and tend to your baby, and microwave your fully prepped evening meal. Set up the baby next to your bed.

Why does her DH need a break more than OP? It will make a difference to OP if he goes, because OP has said that:

'he helps with bedtime and bathtime. He does all the settling before 2am if baby wakes then. He changes his nappy and outfit in the morning. He shares the cooking and cleaning.'

She is obviously panicking about doing everything on her own with a teething breast fed baby who isn't sleeping while working full time.

Oh for God’s sake.

The OP needs to SPEAK AND COMMUNICATE WITH HIM.

Communication is fundamental in a relationship/marriage. If they can’t communicate then there’s no point being together.

Her arguing back and forth with posters won’t help her. It’s just wasting time. People are trying to offer her pragmatic and practiced solutions to ease her stress IF her husband does go through with the trip.

A person shouldn’t need advice on how to communicate with their spouse and to express their feelings.

I genuinely don’t understand what more the OP wants people to say?

I really do see your point, the problem is he booked it when you were pregnant. Likely when you both thought that 9 months would be ‘out of the woods’.

there is no clear solution here. Can you afford to hire in help for the evenings and weekends? Even just a teenager on the street as an extra pair of hands, someone to unload dishwasher, tidy away dinner.

I think the issue here is that you agreed that he could go, and now there's no real way of asking him to cancel without it causing an issue.

Either you suck it up with good grace, or you cancel and accept that he'll probably be a bit pissed off for a while. Personally I would suck it up.

I have a bad back and I’ve always had a medium-soft mattress and co slept for years with both babies. Unless it’s incredibly soft a nine month old should be fine in your bed with you.
Could your DH make it a slightly shorter trip or is it the full thing or nothing ? I’m wondering if there is a compromise possible. I do think it’s a selfish thing to do, you sound exhausted and angry, maybe he isn’t taking on board how much you are doing and how shattering it is at this stage.
If he does go, ask him to cook enough meals for you to stick in the freezer, so you don’t have to cook as well as being sleep deprived and working full time. He could also do a big shop before he goes. Basically get everything lined up to make it as easy as possible for you. This is what my DH did when he had to be away while we had a toddler and a nine month old. It meant I didn’t need to shop or cook for any of us.

I think most posters are of the view that you are unreasonable.

In real life I know plenty of women who would not have allowed this but they would have made that clear from the beginning that this would not be a runner.

At this stage you just need to say to your husband that you can’t cope so he can’t go. It’s the truth

You do need to listen to advice around stopping breastfeeding though. Your back at work ft, baby is 9 months, it’s an unnecessary stress. Try not to allow yourself to become a martyr, no one likes them.

Couldn’t agree more.

Why don't you have a long bath every night once the child is in bed?

Well guilt tripping him IS telling him he can’t go

I think you are being unreasonable to ask him to cancel. The trip is already booked. In hindsight, it was not the best time to book a trip, however going forward, you can have conversation about the appropriate timing of booking trips and your lifestyle needs to reflect you have a family.

Is BF working for you still? 9 months is a great stint, would introducing combi feeding be an option from here.

if nothing else, drop that 4am feed. Baby does not need it.

baby of 9 months if on bottled would have 3 bottles a day and 3 meals a day

OP has already said that she has coped before when DH went away for work but that this feels different because it isn't for work.

She doesn't want to 'just cope' which is valid. I agree that she needs to talk to DH but I can also understand her frustration that DH can't see for himself that it is a bad time to swan off to his hobby for a week.

You are in a difficult position. You really want him to cancel but you want him to come to that conclusion himself. The alternative is you ask him to cancel and then you look bad and he may feel resentful. I don't see there's anything wrong in telling him how you feel. I would go so far as to say to him look, I feel I need you here but I also don't want you to resent loosing your trip.

@ChunkyFTMMum then I'd tell him not to go and get rid of the guilt. In the end, it's your family and your choice. Id also be extremely pissed if my husband did this when things were tricky with the baby. I understand not wanting to be the bad guy, but sometimes you have to be. It's that or key resentment keep building and your stress levels become unmanageable. The day my husband became a father, is the day he learned to put himself last. After the kids and many times after me. I do the same for him

You would not be unreasonable to ask him to cancel his hobby conference. You sound at the end of your tether and he should recognise this.

Going back to full time work at 6 months post partum must have been really difficult. As you moved abroad so neither of your families can help with child care, your DH should recognise that going away for a week for his hobby and leaving you alone with a teething baby who is hardly sleeping at the moment is being selfish.

it IS irrelevant. OP is asking about whether her situation is unacceptable and how to tackle it. What other people have done or do in the world isn’t relevant.

If someone posted about their mortgage would you respond with ‘well homeless people don’t have a house’? No because it’s not relevant.

Other people being single parents doesn’t relate to OP feeling like her partner isn’t valuing what she does and asking how to tackle this issue in her RELATIONSHIP