DH going away, 9 month old baby

The OP and her DH live in a country with really poor maternity leave. She says that most women only get 3 months mat leave and that she was lucky as she got 6 months unpaid leave. Countries like this don't normally have generous annual leave entitlement so just telling OP to book annual leave probably isn't the solution, plus she has a senior job which makes booking annual leave with little notice very difficult.

Living where she does also means no family to step in. She has a baby with a severe dairy allergy so breast feeding is the best thing for her baby. No wonder she is so stressed. Her DH should voluntee to cancel his trip.

Yanbu, I don't think he should go under the circumstances.
He'll be exhausted on his return, two already stretched tired parents, tired for very different reasons.

Your DH is being totally selfish and inconsiderate. He sounds very self absorbed.

You either tell him to grow a pair and be a responsible father or make it known him how much you feel you will struggle if he goes away. So, in knowing that, you would like him to make the decision whether to go or not, rather than putting the pressure on you to tell him what to do.

I've been a single mum since my daughter was 6 weeks old. But I still think he's a massive piss taker. Epesiclaly for making you be the one to decide if it's till ok for him to go. Surely he can see that it isn't? I've literally never heard of a mum "abandoning" her motherly duties for a week to swan off for a hobby.

I also would not be considering taking annual leave or giving up breastfeeding to facilitate his hobby. You've had a baby, its unfortunate that this trip has come at a particularly difficult parenting time, but imo tough shit, suck it up, plans change. Cancel the trip.

I committed to all sorts of things before I had a baby which I then massively regretted when the time came. Even if it was a totally random thing or an incredible opportunity, my son would be teething or sick and I’d kick myself for planning anything in advance! So it’s perfectly reasonable to feel fuming about your husband leaving you for a week for his hobby .

In terms of the chat, you just need to be honest. Say your ideal situation is that he cancels the trip because you appreciate him being there to help when it’s so tough. I don’t think there’s any point in bottling up stuff when it’s your other half. He must already appreciate that you’re going to have a tough week! That doesn’t mean he will do it and doesn’t mean he has to do it because he’s his own person but open communication is so important.

With a week to go, he’ll probs go. Obviously, you’ll survive the week, you’ll feel rubbish etc. and you’ll resent him having fun whilst you’re exhausted but at least telling him how you feel means he will appreciate that this isn’t something he can do again whilst you’re in the trenches. I’d put this trip down to a naive blip and make sure nothing is booked without a proper chat about how it might actually be (because lots gets easier but some things get harder!).

I would take that week off work and plan some nice things with the baby. Make sure baby is fed more during the day and hopefully they will sleep better those nights. Stock up on calpol and nice food for myself and just make the most of it.

Oh jog on - the OPs husband has had a year to realise his expectations pre baby are unrealistic. Why is it she who should arrange or manage or organise anything to allow a husband - who regularly leaves her with their baby for days at a time for work purposes- to have a fucking jolly?? At her emotional and physical expense? Why does he not want to be with his wife and baby??

Nobody is saying it’s not hard. But it is manageable. The OP has had a year to address this.

I'm not surprised you are exhausted. You are currently in the trenches with baby and work. It's the worst of both worlds trying to juggle it all at this stage. It does get easier, so hang in there.

If you don't want him to go on this trip. Then tell him that and get him to cancel it. Job done. You won't be in this stage forever, babies grow up and there will be other trips. The key is both of you trying to survive the here and now.

However I say this gently, you sound so, so angry....Random strangers on the internet have responded to you. Yes some of it isn't useful, no one knows the exact details. You can just ignore or say thanks but no thanks. It's no biggie.

Whatever happens you do need to try and deal with these emotions. If he does go on this trip, I for see you will be a seething bag of resentment by the time he's home and that is going to blow up big time possibly into something you never come back from. Feeling abandoned by your partner (even when reluctantly agreed to) is something difficult to overcome. That is the real reason I think he should cancel the trip.

Also in OP - it was booked a year ago. So we both missed details in the OP - so what?! They’ve clearly had plenty of time to sort it out.

I do remember the 9 months stage as hard work. Sorry I have no great ideas. Assume family can't come to stay and wouldn't be the solution anyway. You have two options. Insist he cancels or motor through it. Hope you can find a suitable way through as not ideal for your relationship if it becomes a grudge you will always hold.

If this was a reverse, OP would be called a selfish mother for abandoning her baby for a week so she can do her hobby.

In case you missed it

1. Baby has a severe dairy allergy and completely rejects hypoallergenic formula, we have tried, under the guidance of a paedetrician. Some parents add Nesquik to it to make it taste nicer. I am not willing to add Nesquik to my 9 month old's milk when I have plenty of milk for him.

It probably wouldn't seem so bad if he didn't already regularly go away for work I him being away was a rare thing.

I think if it's a hobby trip and not essential, he should stay and help you out. It's his baby too! Especially if you're exhausted and working full time. Your baby is still really young and you need your DH around. This happened to me quite a lot when mine were little and looking back, I wish I'd stuck up for myself a bit more. Six days is a long time. YANBU.

Ignore the “you’ll cope, it’s not hard, don’t upset the husband” posters. He’s an absolute arse to have put you in this position - the knows he should cancel, but wants you to tell him to so that he can blame you for his feelings rather than owning his own discomfort for being more selfish than his self-image probably believes.

he knows he’s being a shit. The only way he can not feel this, is by finding a way to make you out to be the shit.
absolutely typical of male thinking and you should tell him that.

DH used to go away quite a lot for work when my DC were babies but I wouldn't have appreciated it if it was for a jolly. I think it depends on whether he will lose money out of not going or whether he can get it all refunded. As soon as you stop breastfeeding I would book yourself a holiday for a few days and catch up on sleep. What is good for the goose is good for the gander.

This is what I would do.

Exactly this @FartfulCodger I was beginning to think I was in some sort of parallel universe with some of the replies on here @ChunkyFTMMum .Your husband shouldn’t be asking you if he should cancel his bloody pathetic trip. He should have the empathy and human decency to realise you are struggling at the moment and do the decent thing and not go.

@Insertcreativenamehere Yes, the hours I spent attached to that blooming machine! Mine are teenagers so the amazing hands-free ones didn’t exist back then, I had a static electric one. But it did give me some freedom as they’d take bottles of expressed milk from DH.

When is this trip planned for? Sorry if you’ve already answered and I’ve missed it. Your baby is 9 months now, I would say if he’s going away in the next week or two and going to lose out on a lot of money I’d just get by

I also breasted and worked fulltime so I get it. I used to sit and pump milk in my breaks/lunchtime!

My H worked away a lot when our kids were younger, in fact he still does. Yes it’s hard, yes it’s sucky but you will get through it and feel stronger and more resilient in the long run. I have no intention of ever having to ‘do it all’ on my own but at least I know I can which gives me a certain confidence and peace of mind.

9-10 months was the hardest time for me with DC2.

I would say to DH, I'm worried about coping with work and baby by myself when you're due to go to X. It's a really hard time for me. Can we talk through the options?

And hopefully he'll offer to cancel!

OP, why doesn’t co-sleeping work for you? This was the only way I got any sleep… and it didn’t create a rod for my back or any other bull that people tell you.