5 years together and talked about living together

Vibing · 2025-05-05T06:47:57+00:00

We had a tricky conversation last night and a bit thrown. Both have kids from previous marriages. Mine are grown and left home. His 3 are teenagers, eldest off to uni this year. Weve slowly come together. About 2 years ago we had some space but we would meet for a coffee ever 1 or 2 weeks which increased to regular dates and more time together we worked through the things we were bumping heads on. We spoke aboit living together last night. Now i always knew he didnt want to have someone on his mortgage again. (I own my own home). But his other thoughts He would buy all furniture so if we split up there wouldnt be splitting of furniture. I would give him some money each month towards the bills. He would want an agreement that if we split there would be something legally binding to say id pretty much leave the house and not drag out staying. Id initially suggested a joint bill paying account that we put money in for bills. He was defensive saying that after 2 years i would beable yo claim a share of the house so he wasnt having that. Then the rest of above came out. I suppose im asking. Is he being unreasonable. Is that extreme or normal these days.

Biffbaff · 05/05/2025 13:47

Vibing · 05/05/2025 10:26

Besides an exit plan i.e length of stay after a split.

What else she be in an agreement to protect us both? Looking at it from both sides of the coin

Presumably what you envisage is a long-term commitment, as you were open to marrying him. He's basically offering that you move into his house, he keeps it as his house, he owns everything in it, and he reserves the right to have you forcibly removed from the premises if things turn sour.

I'm not sure I would be willing to do that but if you really want to move in with him and they are the terms then you absolutely need to have a fall-back option. Because let's say he suddenly died of a heart attack and his house was left to his kids, you would be made homeless. Ditto if he decided to break up with you. Make sure you ring-fence your own money/house assets and keep them for yourself in your name. It sounds like you are probably going to need them.

AnonWho23 · 05/05/2025 11:56

That's the only way I'd do it. You're on a more equal footing then. You split everything in a fair way. If hes got kids staying the he needs to pay more because they will need accommodating. Make sure its actually fair and you don't get fucked. He's 4 people and your 1. Also, make sure you understand how the distribution of labour is going to work. I know his kids are older but you dont want to end up doing all the housework and being a nanny with a fanny. Youve raised your kids and done your minding. If it turns to shit and doesn't work out you both have till the end of the lease get out. You'll both be equally displaced.

Original poster

Vibing · 05/05/2025 11:46

@dointhebestwecan

I guess i am reframing. I thibk its because i wouldnt have thought hed talk like that.

And the 'agency' is probably the right word of what i 100 per cent to keep.

@Livinghappy his split was a bit of both high conflict but really easy with other parts i believe. All amicable until he started seeing me. It settled but she found it (insert the right word)seeing me in his kids lives. She turned up at the house a couple of times. I had her screaming out of her car window one tine because i was walking the kids dog (she goes back and forth with kids), i was walking mie at the same time. I wasnt going to leave her behind. All that settled in time.

Id like to think im super respectful of his and kids space. I hope ive been anyway.

His exwife left him and house and moved out quite quickly once they decided on the split and how theyd split things. I can only go off of what DP has told me though

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OrangeAndPistachio · 05/05/2025 11:46

@Livinghappy very true. My (now) husband moved into my house but not once did I speak about getting rid of him or calling the police when we were ironing out the details. These conversations can be civilised.

Livinghappy · 05/05/2025 11:34

Listen to what he said about calling the police and don’t try to reframe it

This phrase suggests he is high conflict. It's so aggressive and isn't a "normal" response...unless you and him have history where you have refused to leave after an argument?

How did his last relationship end? Was their much conflict? That is a strong indicator or how he will treat you.

You would be a lodger in his house but would you be happy renting a separate place where you are a lone voice in a household of 5?

dointhebestwecan · 05/05/2025 11:20

Don’t do it!!!! Listen to what he said about calling the police and don’t try to reframe it. If you need to leave him he will turn nasty. This is what always happens and you (and I!) have experienced it. He could claim for damage to furniture, think of things you owe him etc. keep your assets and ensure the dynamics of the relationship remain equal and independent. That’s the only way you won’t sacrifice your agency.

Original poster

Vibing · 05/05/2025 11:14

Maybe rent for a couple of years.

We each rent our own houses out.

Then maybe buy together but we still have our houses as assets.

Im not sure he will buy together. But i guess that weve tried and tested living together fully. We still have protection for our own kids.

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OrangeAndPistachio · 05/05/2025 11:11

@Vibing I'm noticing that there isn't any respect or consideration for the fact that you will go back to living with kids again. Teenaged kids. I'm very much reading between the lines op , but is this a good situation for you to get into?

He seems only to be concerned about his end , you're just expected to fit in where you can.

Only you know your relationship , but you've not painted a great picture of your boyfriend here.

MinnieGirl · 05/05/2025 11:10

Lovelysummerdays · 05/05/2025 08:59

Personally I wouldn’t be keen to live like a lodger when I’m used to owning my own home. I’m used to making decisions about my own furniture and surroundings and would find it difficult to cede control.

I do get the once bitten twice shy thing but you are not her and shouldn’t have to live your life making up for her/ his previous decision making.

I personally wouldn’t be keen not move in and maintain your own spaces.

I totally agree with this.
Just think what this would mean…it would continue to be his house and his furniture. And you would pay towards bills, just like a lodger. He would have final say about all furnishings. It’s not exactly a shared partnership is it…
I bet that he’s wary, but I couldn’t live like that. I would not be wanting to live with him based on what he’s told you.

Original poster

Vibing · 05/05/2025 11:07

@AnonWho23 funnily enough he did suggest that as one thing

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AnonWho23 · 05/05/2025 11:03

Vibing · 05/05/2025 10:13

Really appreciate your inputs.

Its such a tricky subject.

Ive a good solid career and raised my sons and very much used to making decisions about bills and furniture.

Is it possible to like financially be set up like a tenant and have a say over the goings on in a house. Im not sure what im asking there.

I definately want a place i live to be a home. I dont want to sleep with one eye open and as an independant adult wouldnt want the 'this is how it is, because i say it is' approach laid on me.

And im sure that isnt whats happening here. I think its a sensitive subject. I did what i thought was a 50/50 split with my exhusband but it turned out it wasnt. Hed worked things so i paid twice for car for example. I just hadnt seen it coming. Then him and his family turned the back on our sons which i never in a million years he was capable let alone his mum. Hed met someone within 3 months and she was pregnant. She wasnt happy with the contact i had with the family and i would get messages from her direct or she would have his phone snd message. It was crazy. The finsncial side of things i agreed to lots because the strain of it. I didnt think fighting was worth however much. I wanted peace.

Im quite scared of being in a position again where i feel so exposed and vulnerable.
I think the talk last night and a bit when we woke has brought some of thst back.

My DP used language like, 'if i need to get rid of you out the house, if u didnt go id call the police'. I know where hes coming from but it just feels a bit brutal. Ive never overstayed my welcome in fact ive been overtly cautious. Im mindful of where i even park the car.

Yea i think its just brought some things up for me.

I almost want to get an agreement in place, let the dust settle and see if in a years time maybe. I dont think hes ready yet. I dont think he'd be as brutal in language use.

But i feel like i want to look and know the whites of the guys eyes. Its not a side/thought process ive seen of him.

Have you considered BOTH renting your house our. Then renting a house together as a couple. That way you both have equal rights to the home you live in but also have very separate properties/assets with neither of you having a claim on the other person's. I wouldn't like the power imbalance of the situation he's suggesting.

OrangeAndPistachio · 05/05/2025 10:56

Based on your posts op I don't think you should move in with him. He's already talking about how he'd get rid of you and you've not even moved in yet. Doesn't want to marry you , which is fine in isolation, but as part of the bigger picture he's not willing to be a partner is he?

Together but separate is not something that can be successfully done in my opinion , especially when he's using that language to describe your potential situation.

I can see why you're hesitant. It wouldn't feel like your home , because he's made it clear that it won't be.

Bananalanacake · 05/05/2025 10:55

Why move in at all, enjoy things as they are and keep your own space.

Aizen · 05/05/2025 10:50

Think a bit first about your "step mum" status here if you move in together.

Everything is fine now as you live separately. I'm not saying it won't work out, but think the whole scenario through. How do you get on with his children? Do they live with him or with their mum and do they spend a lot of time with him?

I wouldn't move in with anyone at this stage of my life - and I didn't! We are together 20 years, no kids involved either and it is the best of both worlds honestly. I have no worries about my finances or the security of my own home.

I suppose though, if you decide to go for it, you will always have your own home to go back to if things don't work out. At the end of the day you are to all intents and purposes a lodger in his home. I don't blame him being wary of the potential claims that could arise from you living there.

What if he moved into your house? What would you do to protect your interests? Think about it from that perspective maybe.

DisappearingGirl · 05/05/2025 10:48

My DP used language like, 'if i need to get rid of you out the house, if u didnt go id call the police'.

Well, what a charmer! I mean it's sensible to think about what would happen if you split up, but this is a pretty horrible way to phrase it.

If you agree to move in with someone then you have to be up for making some compromises and sacrifices. One of them is that you can't just decide overnight that you want to "get rid of them" as your house is now also their house! If he envisages you moving in like a lodger with no rights and no notice period, then I'd agree he's not ready to live with someone.

Original poster

Vibing · 05/05/2025 10:43

@DisappearingGirl good point. This was a source of stress when we took the space.

Is it just the way now of life that people dont live together much?

My divorce was 2008 so im 17 odd years moved on from it. I used to say i never remarry. But meeting my DP changed how i thought about things. Found i started thinking about marriage which was strange at first.
We spoke about it and hes not open to that and i respect that. Its not essential for me.

He is about 7 years post divorce

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DisappearingGirl · 05/05/2025 10:38

Also I do see what you mean about making the house your home. I think there is a difference between:

Having a claim on ownership of the house - you are happy not to as you have your own house for financial security, and he probably wants to protect this for himself / his kids - fair enough.
Having equal say on the environment you live in - I would say if you move in then you need to be equals in this, rather than you feeling like a lodger. So things like furniture, cooking and chores, how the household is run - I wouldn't want to move in unless I had equal say in those things. But I think that is tricky when you're moving in with his kids as well as him (as above).

Original poster

Vibing · 05/05/2025 10:35

@HeatedBlanketAllYear thats how my head feels. I just want to be sure im hearing him right. Its spun my head hearing it.

Hes said hes just being general....as in how would u grt someone out. But even that....its not a thought process i would expect from him if that makes sense.
I think hes scared of being trapped in an acrimonious situation. But hes saying it really crassly (its too early to swear) and im trying to remain objective and not let my own experience project onto it. But hes being a tool in how hes saying thinhs.

I dont know. Im a little thrown.

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DisappearingGirl · 05/05/2025 10:35

One thing you haven't mentioned, that comes up a lot on here, is that you'd be living with his teenagers (and possibly with his adult kids for a long time unless they all find full time homes of their own).

I've seen this as a source of stress a lot on here when the teen/adult kids are making loads of noise/mess and not pulling their weight, their parent (usually dad) doesn't enforce it, and the step parent (usually step mum) doesn't feel they can say anything and ends up feeling like everyone's unappreciated skivvy.

Might be another thing to consider when deciding whether to move in together. You can always stay together but keep your own places.

Original poster

Vibing · 05/05/2025 10:26

Besides an exit plan i.e length of stay after a split.

What else she be in an agreement to protect us both? Looking at it from both sides of the coin

OP posts:

SheldonandAmyFarahFowler · 05/05/2025 10:17

Do you really, really, really want to live with this man? If not, then keep living separately and have the good parts of the relationship without the domestic drudgery and arguments. I wish I’d done that and we own everything 50:50 so we don’t have the added complications of your proposed setup.

HeatedBlanketAllYear · 05/05/2025 10:16

Wow, he’d call the police to remove you and make you homeless? You really shouldn’t be moving in with someone who tells you they’d treat you like this. I’d actually reconsider the whole relationship after that.

Original poster

Vibing · 05/05/2025 10:13

Really appreciate your inputs.

Its such a tricky subject.

Ive a good solid career and raised my sons and very much used to making decisions about bills and furniture.

Is it possible to like financially be set up like a tenant and have a say over the goings on in a house. Im not sure what im asking there.

I definately want a place i live to be a home. I dont want to sleep with one eye open and as an independant adult wouldnt want the 'this is how it is, because i say it is' approach laid on me.

And im sure that isnt whats happening here. I think its a sensitive subject. I did what i thought was a 50/50 split with my exhusband but it turned out it wasnt. Hed worked things so i paid twice for car for example. I just hadnt seen it coming. Then him and his family turned the back on our sons which i never in a million years he was capable let alone his mum. Hed met someone within 3 months and she was pregnant. She wasnt happy with the contact i had with the family and i would get messages from her direct or she would have his phone snd message. It was crazy. The finsncial side of things i agreed to lots because the strain of it. I didnt think fighting was worth however much. I wanted peace.

Im quite scared of being in a position again where i feel so exposed and vulnerable.
I think the talk last night and a bit when we woke has brought some of thst back.

My DP used language like, 'if i need to get rid of you out the house, if u didnt go id call the police'. I know where hes coming from but it just feels a bit brutal. Ive never overstayed my welcome in fact ive been overtly cautious. Im mindful of where i even park the car.

Yea i think its just brought some things up for me.

I almost want to get an agreement in place, let the dust settle and see if in a years time maybe. I dont think hes ready yet. I dont think he'd be as brutal in language use.

But i feel like i want to look and know the whites of the guys eyes. Its not a side/thought process ive seen of him.

OP posts:

HeatedBlanketAllYear · 05/05/2025 10:06

I think having this conversation is sensible. Agreeing what happens if you separate is good planning especially if he owns the house you live in. A joint account for bills is a good idea so you both retain your own accounts and income.
Most of the conversation sounds mature. Except the bit about you moving out immediately if he says so. That’s not practical if you’ve rented your house out, you’d need time to give notice to move back. And depending on the type of person he is, he could hold this over you and leave you homeless on a whim. That’s not reasonable.
If this is your first conversation then go back and discuss it more when you’ve both had time to reflect on what you’ve said initially. And perhaps agree to get a legal agreement drawn up as well.

AnonWho23 · 05/05/2025 09:07

I think you both need to protect your assets.

I think it makes sense to have an agreement that if your relationship ends you will vacate his property with a month's notice. That way he can't just throw you out on the street. After all, you'll need to find alternative accommodation because your house will be rented out so if your relationship end you'll need to find somewhere to live.

I'd wouldn't be added to the bills. I wouldn't want to be liable for them or have to take meter readi gs in event of a separation. I'd just tell him yo take the readings and to tally up your share that month. Things like gas and electric you pay more in the summer to cover the winter but I'd think it'd unfair for you to build up credit on those accounts when you potentially might mot be there then.

I think your better to consider yourself a tenant rather than a partner.