I've looked after my mother full time for the last five years. She has a rare dementia, late stage. She's only 71. She's the most important person in the entire world to me.
She's always been a really peaceful sleeper. We'd put her to bed and when we got her up in the morning she'd not have moved an inch.
This morning (yesterday morning I suppose, technically) we found her face down on the floor. When we turned her over it was obvious she was dead. I would give ANYTHING to erase the image from my mind. Im lying here seeing it again and again and again. Wondering if she suffered. Wondering how she felt. Wondering what if. What we could have done differently. Whether we could have saved her.
The paramedics said it would have been very quick. Probably a seizure or a stroke. But how can they know? And her eyes were open. So was she awake? Aware? Desperate for us to come and help her?
I know she has been spared the worst parts of end of life with dementia. But I cannot bear the thought of her suffering in any way. I wish she'd had a more peaceful death. I wish I'd been with her.
And I wasn't ready to lose her. I wanted to keep her forever and look after her and wake her every morning with gentleness and love and music and make her smile.
I can't bear it.