Husband won't work full time

The one working 4 days is solely responsible for cleaning the house and doing the laundry. Or other tasks equating 8h of work a week.
It could be either of you, he can choose first as you already had a chance if doing it before.
Fair?

Huh?! The op is being subsidised too and is also refusing to work full time, so surely all of these points are relevant and applicable to the OP as well as her DH.

They need to stop accepting money from her parents, adjust their costs and both work out how they are going to find themselves and what that will look like, ideally making it work that they can both stay 4 days a week perhaps looking at condensed hours to do so etc

Can you do the FT hours and he does less but with the understanding that he does more of the household organization?
and agree with PP - your parents have been generous enough

What an awful thing for you to endure as a family, I’m so glad that things are now looking up for your child!

I’m aghast that your DH would refuse to work full time when he knows that as a family you are being subsidised by your parents.

That said, his mental health should of course be taken seriously. If he cannot cope with full time hours in the job he’s in, can he look for a different job? Or perhaps one where he can compress his hours into 4 days?

Why does it need to be him who works full time rather than you?

Your parents need to stop plugging the gap in your finances though. That definitely shouldn't be an ongoing thing.

Sorry to hear about your daughter, I hope she's doing well xx

Call his bluff. Ok k will work FT, you continue on 4 days but you need to do the housework on the day off you have as I do now, that’s the ONLY way this will work and my parents will be making their last payment on 25th May so you have between now and then to make a decision.

I’ve done the doing everything and reach a point where you think I’m doing everything alone, I might as well just be alone

Glad to hear your daughter is in remission. Why does he have to work full time but not you though? This does seem rather hypocritical

He has no motivation to stop because he doesn’t see any of the issues as his problem. If your parents take away the finances and you hold him accountable for stepping up around the house, then perhaps he’ll find the motivation as they’ll both become his problem. Have your parents challenged him directly about the fact they are financing his choices? I’d like to think if they did and explained it won’t last forever he would be ashamed enough to reconsider his position.

Can you both look for work in sectors with four-day weeks? There are quite a few companies now with flexible working policies and four-day weeks, without losing pay. If you both worked opposite days “off”, that gives two whole weekdays for household stuff – your husband HAS to step up though – leaving weekends free for fun.

I don’t think your part-time, where you pull your weight in the home, is the same as his part-time. I also don’t think either of you has to work FT: but you both have to earn enough to fund your lives without parental support. Depending on your earning potential and outgoings, maybe that’s FT, maybe it’s a four-day week with no loss of pay, maybe it’s compressed hours. At the moment, though, you’re not quite there.

Yes but it’s seperate issue. She didn’t go part time to do house work. And the house work can be shared, she just need to force the issue. The reality is If she didn’t have the housework as a reason there would be no more argument about who needs to go full/part time.

they made the family together, they need to support it together. This includes working and managing the household duties. You cannot force someone to work more because you clean the house on your day off.

Hi going against the grain here but if op has chronic fatigue and doing everything in the house I absolutely think her DH should be the one to go back full time.
I would stop financial help as it will be damaging your relationship with your parents.
Re working I would give him the choice either he works fulltime or he takes over all the cooking and admin. If he opts for the latter you will have to stop doing anything and let things collapse which is very hard to do. I would also have an agreement in place to review after two months if hes taking over cooking and admin and if hes succeeding only then will you increase to 5 days. I have a strong suspician he will do nothing.

People saying you should both go back and things should be split is great in theory but we all know one partner (often but not always the woman) ends up doing all the organisation which keeps the family together. Dont do everything op.

Tell him you'll agree to him going part-time if that means he'll start doing all of the housework to allow you to work full time. And that he'll have to prove his willingness to do this by actually doing the housework on his own for 5 months before you'll agree to this arrangement.

If I was either of your parents I'd stop paying immediately. This is really taking the piss.
I paid my DS and DiLs mortgage for a while after they were both made redundant but they worked incredibly hard to get new jobs quickly and certainly didn't lounge around doing nothing. Your husband has a nerve.

“He helps with childcare at the weekend”

This is your problem, he’s not “adulting” or parenting, he’s just an observer. Kick him into touch.

I am so glad your child has recovered and can see how you both got into panic mode. But I agree you should both go full time as it sounds like your budget is too tight for your husband to solve alone. Your parents should stop giving you money today as that has gone on far too long. Sit down with your husband and look at your budget together. Then look at the things you need to do each week and work out what makes sense. Could you both do flexi hours to work full time in 4 days? My husband and I did that for years to save on childcare costs. Can someone work weekends? You might need to be a bit creative but you cannot keep taking money from your parents for an emergency once the emergency is over (and thank goodness it is over, it must have been a terrible time)

I can’t work full-time either but as you say, the difference is that I’m not relying on someone to pay my bills while I take a day off to do the housework.

OP can’t argue that the DH is the one being subsidised when she is also refusing to work full-time.

If you both want to work 4 days then you both need to figure out how to make it work without parental contribution.

I think you need to look at how you can change things to both work 4 days per week. 8 full days' income should sufficient to support everyone. I think it is sensible for all families with children.

Can you look at how expenses can be reduced? Car finance, moving to a cheaper house?

You need to let some things drop around the house. I think you need to negotiate with your DH that you will support him having a day in the week, but he needs to (at least) wash, dry and put away a load of washing that day and shop for and cook the evening meal. Plenty of time in between those tasks to have some time doing other things.

OP does work full time - 4 days at work and every waking hour by the sounds of things running the house. Plus she has CFS, which is very difficult to manage.

Again, nonsense. Plenty of people do for a variety of reasons including disability.

Speak for yourself. I need a full day off each week. Plenty of people can't work full time. Even 4 days is probably too much for me but I have to do it at the moment. I do agree that this shouldn't be at the parents' expense though so if no one is genuinely able to work full time income covers outgoings.

OP you need to stop taking handouts from your parents.

Then you both need to have a conversation about finances.

I don't think it is unreasonable for your partner to choose to work 4 days a week when you are doing it....

You might be able to cut down on spending instead or try to both get a better paid 4 day a week job. You could also discuss a better spilt of housework and life admin.

@Acornacorn
''Perhaps your daughter’s cancer has made your husband realise there’s more to life than work and he’d rather be more present for his family''

Completely agree. Working 4 days a week is perfectly reasonable I would say.

You need a very honest conversation about work and housework. Either he starts pulling his weight and sharing the housework in the family home or he becomes responsible for all of it in his own house/flat after you separate because this is unsustainable. Plus school drop offs and pick ups, half the school holidays etc.

You both need to be honest, either you stay at 4 days and live within the money you earn without the handout from your parent or one or both of you needs to work 5 days a week but he doesn't get to opt out of all the housework.

Time for a brutal conversation about what he brings to the table and what needs to change.

I think having a child with cancer completely changes you as a person and it sounds like it has changed both of you. I am glad they are in remission.

First of all I'm very sorry for everything you have been through with your child being ill. I can't even imagine how hard that must have been.

I think if neither of you feel able to work full time in the longer term, you will need to a) explore if there is any option for promotion or ways to boost your income so you each bring in more for your 4 days and/or b) look for ways to reduce your living costs in order to live within your means.

It's one thing for parents to help out in a crisis and quite another to expect them to continue indefinitely.

While I think some people do struggle to work full time and reducing to 4 days should be a choice a couple can make between them, this obviously needs to still cover outgoings.

The housework issue is a separate one and DH is in the wrong here. Perhaps you could look at division of tasks and responsibilities according to skills/least worst jobs for each of you? I also think it's fine for him to rest on his day off as long as he does fulfil his responsibilities throughout the week. Resting on his day off is only a problem when he isn't pulling his weight in general.

I work 4 days a week but have worked to increase earnings in order to do so. I need to rest on my day off due to disability but that rest day enables me to carry out my responsibilities the rest of the time.