Page 4 | Husband won't work full time

Badger222 · 2025-05-04T20:28:30+00:00

Need some advice... Since having kids I have mainly been working 4 days a week and my husband 5 days a week. Since both children started school, I have always used my day off for housework, household admin etc. Sadly our youngest child was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago, and after that I temporary dropped my hours and my husband went down to 4 days to help with her care. My parents have kindly been funding the gap in our income. My daughter is now been in remission a long time and I have gone back to 4 days a week. However my husband refuses to go back to full-time hours as says he finds his job too stressful and doesn't think he will cope (despite my suggestion that he pick up a different type of work on the 5th day and work a shorter day). My parents in the meantime are continuing to fund him being part time but are getting rather fed up of this. My husband doesn't take any accountability for the household finances and can't see how much we would struggle if their help suddenly stopped. I should add that my husband does absolutely nothing on his day off (though he helps with childcare at the weekend). I do all the housework, cooking, washing up, financial/household/school admin, overseeing homework etc, as well as dealing with my daughter's ongoing medical issues (this has been a long term source of arguments). I also struggle with chronic fatigue. I have thought about going up to full-time hours myself to make ends meet but really don't think I could manage with everything else I do at home. AIBU?

TicTac80 · 05/05/2025 10:35

Is there a possibility for you both to do FT hours over 4 days? My DB and DSIL do this (and have different days off). It helped with childcare costs when their kids were of nursery age, but also meant that they each had a day at home to catch up on housework/life admin etc.

itsgettingweird · 05/05/2025 10:32

Both work FT, split the jobs 50/50 and use the extra 4 days pay a month to start compensating your parents for their generosity and if they won’t take it back out it in savings as you’ve seen what can happen unexpectedly.

im really pleased your DD is doing well though.

zeibesaffron · 05/05/2025 10:30

I am so pleased your DC is in remission- it must have been an awful time for you all.

I suggest a difficult conversation with your H - split the chores/ kids stuff 50/50
Say you will stop getting payments from your parents on a certain date and because of that you now both need to work full time

CoastalCalm · 05/05/2025 10:29

Parents stop funding
Get a cleaner
Both go back to full time

You say your parents are helping him but the reality is they are helping both of you

faerietales · 05/05/2025 10:29

throwawayforobviousreasonspleasedontdeleteme · 05/05/2025 10:06

This is nuts, what kind of man wouldn't go to work to help his child with cancer?

Equally, what kind of woman wouldn't go to work to help her child with cancer?

Neither of them work full-time and both are relying on handouts.

AlanShore · 05/05/2025 10:27

throwawayforobviousreasonspleasedontdeleteme · 05/05/2025 10:06

This is nuts, what kind of man wouldn't go to work to help his child with cancer?

What kind of person won't go to work to help their child with cancer.

Yes I know he doesn't do his share of housework, but there are 2 adults here and they need to stop sponging of her parents.

Dolphinnoises · 05/05/2025 10:23

beAsensible1 · 05/05/2025 08:59

Yes but it’s seperate issue. She didn’t go part time to do house work. And the house work can be shared, she just need to force the issue. The reality is If she didn’t have the housework as a reason there would be no more argument about who needs to go full/part time.

they made the family together, they need to support it together. This includes working and managing the household duties. You cannot force someone to work more because you clean the house on your day off.

Show quote history

You can’t force someone to do housework either. It’s the least forceable task in the world.

DancefloorAcrobatics · 05/05/2025 10:23

Just out of intrest, what's stopping you to work full time?

And stop talking money from your parents to finance your lifestyle!

Fridgemanageress · 05/05/2025 10:22

ragandbonewoman · 05/05/2025 10:14

”te next real “I’m a martyr” he does nothing around the house except childcare - perhaps he doesn’t give a toss that your house isn’t gleaming, but everyone is fed, alive and full of laughter, and perhaps if you just backed off one weekend and did a chickpea curry for £2, a huge caldron of vegetable soup reduced from the market, and a bag of porridge for 80p and let’s see if it’s fun or moaning and I don’t mean the moaning instigated by you”

@Fridgemanageress are you high? I can’t even work out what these random ramblings mean

Then I’m sure you’re a delight to live with too.

Why would a woman keep taking money off their parents and lapping up “my parents don’t want me to work at all cis of my health issues” and then denigrate her husband who claims he has health issues too.

if you can’t work out that £5 of food is needed for a weekend and laughter with your family, then I feel sorry for you and your family

Limprichteabiscuit · 05/05/2025 10:19

Sofiewoo · 05/05/2025 07:45

Neither of you are willing to work full time. How embarrassing for you as a couple to continue to take handouts from your parents when you are both unwilling to manage your family finances.

This in spades x 10000

Overthebow · 05/05/2025 10:16

Badger222 · 05/05/2025 09:37

Thanks everyone for your comments. It really helps to see both sides of it as I want to be more understanding of his perspective .
I did try working full-time with kids in the past but really struggled and it made me pretty ill, hence my drop to 4 days. My parents have actually said that they are completely against me going back to full-time as they also feel my health isn't good enough.
I have struggled to get my husband to do his fair share of the housework for years to no avail, and it has put an enormous strain on our marriage. Unfortunately I don't think that will ever change regardless of how many hours I work.

Edited

It sounds like he doesn’t think he can cope with full time either. You need to have a proper conversation and work out what to do. Either you both go full time or you cut your outgoings so you can both do 4 days. One being part time only works if the other is willing. I can’t believe that you’re still accepting your parents help, fair enough when you both needed to care for your child but surely you should stop it now.

Hekett · 05/05/2025 10:16

I get it, you’ve had a rough ride and working FT with children isn’t easy.

Ideally the highest earner should be doing FT. Currently that’s me so I do 5 days and DH does 2. But he does almost all the housework and cooking in return, and I did when it was the other way round.

WFH/hybrid really helps too with life balance.

Hdjdb42 · 05/05/2025 10:14

He won't step up until it affects him financially. You need to tell your parents to stop sending money. He'll soon work more hours. Cut off his safety net.

ragandbonewoman · 05/05/2025 10:14

”te next real “I’m a martyr” he does nothing around the house except childcare - perhaps he doesn’t give a toss that your house isn’t gleaming, but everyone is fed, alive and full of laughter, and perhaps if you just backed off one weekend and did a chickpea curry for £2, a huge caldron of vegetable soup reduced from the market, and a bag of porridge for 80p and let’s see if it’s fun or moaning and I don’t mean the moaning instigated by you”

@Fridgemanageress are you high? I can’t even work out what these random ramblings mean

faerietales · 05/05/2025 10:10

countingthedays945 · 05/05/2025 09:53

Both myself and husband work full time. We do chores in evening and weekends. It would be nice to have a day where we do chores but if you can’t afford it then you both need to stop putting on your parents and get back to work!

Exactly. Working a four day is a luxury and clearly neither OP or her husband can afford that luxury right now.

throwawayforobviousreasonspleasedontdeleteme · 05/05/2025 10:06

This is nuts, what kind of man wouldn't go to work to help his child with cancer?

Loveautumnhatewinter · 05/05/2025 10:01

Could you both work 4.5 days so it’s equal? Or look at your finances and agree that you both need to contribute X amount into the monthly pot - and then it’s up to you both individually how you do it? whether that’s doing full time hours over 4 days, or picking up some more work elsewhere. And you need to have a conversation about all the life admin and how that will be shared.

AlanShore · 05/05/2025 10:00

My parents have actually said that they are completely against me going back to full-time as they also feel my health isn't good enough.

So you don't work full time hours because of your health, and he doesn't work full time hours because of his health?

Are you always ruled by your parents?

despite my suggestion that he pick up a different type of work on the 5th day and work a shorter day).
Why don't you pick up a different type of work on the 5th day and work a shorter day?

What do you both do for work that your income if not enough.

What money do you have coming in and going out?

Moonnstars · 05/05/2025 09:58

Badger222 · 05/05/2025 09:37

Thanks everyone for your comments. It really helps to see both sides of it as I want to be more understanding of his perspective .
I did try working full-time with kids in the past but really struggled and it made me pretty ill, hence my drop to 4 days. My parents have actually said that they are completely against me going back to full-time as they also feel my health isn't good enough.
I have struggled to get my husband to do his fair share of the housework for years to no avail, and it has put an enormous strain on our marriage. Unfortunately I don't think that will ever change regardless of how many hours I work.

Edited

What does he actually bring to your relationship? Won't do housework, doesn't want to work more hours despite knowing you can't because of your health. What do you get from this relationship as he doesn't sound very supportive, emotionally or financially.

PinkyFlamingo · 05/05/2025 09:55

Badger222 · 05/05/2025 09:37

Thanks everyone for your comments. It really helps to see both sides of it as I want to be more understanding of his perspective .
I did try working full-time with kids in the past but really struggled and it made me pretty ill, hence my drop to 4 days. My parents have actually said that they are completely against me going back to full-time as they also feel my health isn't good enough.
I have struggled to get my husband to do his fair share of the housework for years to no avail, and it has put an enormous strain on our marriage. Unfortunately I don't think that will ever change regardless of how many hours I work.

Edited

You would be better off separating. Personally I couldn't be in a relationship with someone like him who's just ignoring you and not doing his fair share

QuickPeachPoet · 05/05/2025 09:54

countingthedays945 · 05/05/2025 09:53

Both myself and husband work full time. We do chores in evening and weekends. It would be nice to have a day where we do chores but if you can’t afford it then you both need to stop putting on your parents and get back to work!

This.
I don’t know many people who can afford to have a day for home admin. That’s what evenings and weekends are for.

countingthedays945 · 05/05/2025 09:53

Both myself and husband work full time. We do chores in evening and weekends. It would be nice to have a day where we do chores but if you can’t afford it then you both need to stop putting on your parents and get back to work!

Gettingbysomehow · 05/05/2025 09:52

AliBaliBee1234 · 05/05/2025 09:24

Why does it need to be him who works full time rather than you?

Your parents need to stop plugging the gap in your finances though. That definitely shouldn't be an ongoing thing.

Sorry to hear about your daughter, I hope she's doing well xx

Because he does nothing in the home!!!!

C8H10N4O2 · 05/05/2025 09:49

Mumsworkneverdone · 05/05/2025 08:57

Hi going against the grain here but if op has chronic fatigue and doing everything in the house I absolutely think her DH should be the one to go back full time.
I would stop financial help as it will be damaging your relationship with your parents.
Re working I would give him the choice either he works fulltime or he takes over all the cooking and admin. If he opts for the latter you will have to stop doing anything and let things collapse which is very hard to do. I would also have an agreement in place to review after two months if hes taking over cooking and admin and if hes succeeding only then will you increase to 5 days. I have a strong suspician he will do nothing.

People saying you should both go back and things should be split is great in theory but we all know one partner (often but not always the woman) ends up doing all the organisation which keeps the family together. Dont do everything op.

But this is MN where being responsible for all the housework, finances, child management etc is women's work and therefore dismissed as “only takes five minutes” and where men who have never done a thing around the house can magically be made to do so.

DH either gets back to full time paid work or pulls his weight around the house. Its clear from the OP that he has never pulled his weight around the house and the OP has done the double shift for years but here, on our lovely supportive woman centred forum its DH who is hard done by and shouldn’t have to do more paid work than the OP. 🙄

OP: why are you with him? He’s a slacker who isn’t even paying attention to the basic expenses and is happy to be subsidised by your parents. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Cooking, cleaning and grafting for someone who won’t pick up his share of the load?

MoominMai · 05/05/2025 09:47

@Badger222 YANBU!
Why aren’t people getting that OP has chronic fatigue and her parents who are the ones doing the additional funding don’t want her to go back FT because of this. OP has also even tried previously and was unable to make it work. Hence her asking her OH to now go back as he previously was.

Complete no brainer OP as the one who literally does everything to do with the house and kids, whilst managing your health condition, OH needs to step up also and go back FT.