To not forgive DH's family for NC with our children for 2 years

We are nc with my mother the last 4 years. My teens have no desire to see or speak too her again. They are 13, 15 and 17.

I am no contact with MIL the last 7 years. DH is low contact with her. Two youngest are not interested in visiting her. My eldest child had recently started to visit again and I hate it. My DD comes home every week in bad form and relays "stories" of what her grandmother has told her. All lies about me mostly and little passive aggressive comments about our life in general.

I really hate both grandmothers.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I know the above is from 12 steps programmes, but actually it’s a very sensible reminder and I find it useful. You can’t change your MIL, all you can control is your own reaction to it. There is no point worrying about when she will come back, you can’t control that. Just decide how you will respond, and go from there.

I also agree entirely with being (age appropriate) honest with your children.

Can you not contact the sil and ask what the problem is ? Really odd that she’s joining in despite not being part of the fall out ?

please just be honest with your children about all of this.
In a slightly different scenario I didn't see one of my grandmothers until I was in my early 20s, and my mother had never been honest with me about her. This was mainly because my mum just buried her head in the sand about it. Unfortunately she put me in a position where I was then subjected to this woman's narcissistic, manipulation and had to figure it out for myself. Luckily my partner at the time was a really good buffer against her, and I learned to stand up to her.

Ultimately your children can do what they want about this woman when they are adults, but if I had known about my Nan in advance I might have avoided some of the shit she put me through. I certainly would have seen through her much faster.

You’re doing exactly what your MIL wants you to do.
She wants you to be upset.
She wants you to carry this around every day.
She wants you to lose sleep night after night.
She wants this to affect your day to day life.
She wants your stomach in knots.

You’re carrying around your ML on your back every morning, every evening, every night that you lie in bed and hash this over and over in your mind.
And she weighs a ton, doesn’t she?
Put it - and her - down.
Stop caring about her and her daughters.
Let them go.
Breathe.
They’re their own problem. They aren’t your problem.
Just keep repeating to yourself “put it down,” while you’re lying in bed and doing the dishes and while you’re sorting the laundry or whatever tasks you do during the day.
Let it be your mantra and your promise to yourself: PUT IT DOWN.
And you can talk to your kids about their shitty granny someday. I suspect they already know.
Sending love from across the Atlantic ❤️

My Inlaw has only just restarted contact with my husband after 13 years. We have an amazing 16 year old DD he would not recognise. He is aware she exists. His loss, my only concern about getting into contact again is when they die, I dont want my husband to have any what ifs. I hope this will help him.

What have you said to them about it so far? Some of my parents’ family relationships were complicated but I’m so glad they explained what was happening to me so I could make my own decisions. One family member when he disappeared from my life I was told “we stopped passing on his presents to you because he didn’t want to actually see you kids he couldn’t be bothered”. At the time I was annoyed with my parents but as I got older I understood that they didn’t want him wandering in and out of our lives as he pleased and leaving us gutted each time.

I would probably say to my kids, once you’re over 16/18 it’s up to you if you want to see and keep in touch with your dad’s family. We find them very hard to deal with because some of them use the silent treatment as a means to try and exert power over us. That’s not cool and it’s an abusive behaviour. Ever since X we haven’t heard from MIL because she’s trying to punish your dad for disagreeing with her. We still love her and it’s ok if you love her too, you can love her and not like how she’s acting.

IMO you want to strike a balance between laying out what you see as the difficulties with DH’s family (so they can look out and be aware of it in future) and being positive about it being absolutely fine for them to maintain a relationship with their grandmother and cousins etc if that’s what they want.

How old are your DC?

@South1 you are the adults and your children are minors. delete and block the mil and sil numbers, emails, whatsapp, facebook, insta and anything else! then get them new numbers so the numbers wont be known to mil and sil. they will get on with their lives peacefully. you need to do this before mil and sil start to get into your childrens' minds and twist things so as to blame you and dh for the fall out!

If you’re children are old enough to have a mobile phone, I would suggest that they are old enough to be sat down and things explaining about this toxic relationship between mil and your dh. They are more resilient than you think.

after a couple of years no with my grandmother it was incredibly disconcerting to be put back in the middle of family events as if nothing had happened. I was also a teen and I recall those really awkward meetings at the beginning vividly. Unsurprisingly she behaved appallingly at my wedding and I went nc after and never saw her again.

its really important to acknowledge this and prepare them that she will get in touch. Personally I would absolutely not be happy with them having contact if things were not resolved with your dh. How can they ever get back to happy families with such hurt? What if she does it directly to your children.

im in two minds but I wouldn’t shut down the idea of you contacting her and being clear that her communication or lack thereof has created this hurt and she can’t readily come walking back as if nothing has happened. I bet when she does there will be gifts…

your poor children and DH. I think you need a conversation about whether you ever wish contact or if it’s time to say enough is enough and that if she continues with this cycle you will put a stop to it.

Honestly this is much easier than you think. DC aren’t daft. They understand people- they will have flaky friends and mean kids.

All you do is say,
it’s really sad but Granny isn’t great at relationships. She tends to fall out with people. She gets angry when people disagree with her or won’t do what she says. Sadly she’s fallen out with your dad at the moment. That’s why we haven’t seen her for ages.

They can understand that.
They can deal with it.
They can decide whether to answer when she gets back in touch.

As long as they know that she’s unreliable and flaky and - most importantly- if things go wrong it’s not them it’s her.

They are doing you a huge favour. It sounds like the absolute best thing for your children that there is no relationship there. Be grateful they have been protected from all this drama and continue to protect them in the future. I am NC with my family. My children had NC with them for several years before I fully went NC. This drama continues to roll through families until someone puts a stop to it.

Support your Dh in keeping them away from your children so they don’t carry on this shitty legacy. No child is going to care that they missed out on tenuous relationships with extended family. I have never looked back on my childhood and wished my parents had forced any of my bonkers aunts and uncles and grandad on me. I actually barely remember they ever existed as an adult. It sounds like your people pleasing tendencies are not going to help your dc in the long run.

Your dc rely on you to make important decisions on their behalf for their benefit... There is zero benefit having such batshit people in their lives...

This is so hurtful but you are living in anxiety that she might get back in touch. She sounds like a covert narcissist.

Take the power away from her. Set your own boundaries now on what you will or won't do if she does try to get in touch. Put in place what you need to. Get ahead of it happening. You cannot control her behaviour but you can control your reaction to it.

Get some good therapy to process the hurt and abandonment.

Are you me? I could have written this myself!

Delete and block them from dc's phones if they are under 18...
They will use /manipulate /abuse your dc via phone if they can't get to you or dh..protect your dc here op.