To not forgive DH's family for NC with our children for 2 years

Maybe! Not nice though is it? Our amazing husbands and children being treated this way by their mother and grandmother! My side of the family are the complete opposite so it baffles me!

Don't count on it. Mine never did.

Me too! Maybe it's more common than we think?

This 100%, go NC and stay NC. Explain to your DC that they haven’t done anything wrong but MiL and the others are mentally unstable and they can’t see them again while they are in your care. I am LC with my parents and if I get even so much of a whiff that they are not treating my son in a good way I will be NC. They look after him about once a month and they have a lot of money. The possibility of a chunk of inheritance for my son is the only reason I haven’t cut all ties! Good luck and good riddance to the drama.

I'd be interested to hear the other side of this story

They have all the power, take it back by refusing to engage with it.

I don’t understand what you want. You don’t like how they are (which sound fair enough) but you’re devastated they aren’t in your children’s lives, but you don’t want them back in their lives but you want to tell them that they are hurting the children not being in their lives but you think they will come back and then you think you want to tell them to get lost?

I certainly wouldn't tell your children that you love MIL and SIL and that MIL and SIL love them. That would be untrue. You obviously don't love them because they are toxic and completely unloveable. Any declarations of love for your children from them are just manipulative and self-serving. Loving parents and grandparents do not behave in this way.

Go nc with her she’s obviously a narcissist . Block her number . For everyone’s mental health it’s the best thing to do. I know as I’m speaking from a lifetime of abuse from my narcissistic mother

You know that they are toxic people who would be a terrible influence on your children. You are the parent and you need to take the very reasonable decision to cut off any possibility of direct contact with your DCs but deleting/blocking their numbers.

I think children are quite resilient and also will have picked up on a lot of what was happening before the NC started. I would definitely change their phone numbers so they can’t be contacted. Because if down the line MIL decides she’s going to swan back in your life your dh needs to be free to decide what he wants to do at his own pace. If he doesn’t respond quickly enough the last thing your dc need is contact from their grandma trying to recruit them as flying monkeys.

my relationship with my mother broke down when Dd was about 12yo and we never saw each other again. I explained to Dd in an age appropriate manner what had happened and she was fine about it. We never saw her again and Dd didn’t seem to miss her at all.

You’re upset that they’re hurting your children but the best way to save your children from hurt is to not have people like this in their life. Why would you want any of this in any of their lives going forward?

Personally I would change all of your families phone numbers and block all SIL and MIL as a an extra precaution.

It’s a horrid situation and understandable that you’re upset but you need to let the whole thing go, find your gratitude that they’re not in your lives right now shit stirring and causing chaos, and take control of the situation by ensuring they can’t / don’t do it again.
You’re the parent, you and DH need to protect your kids from future exposure to this toxic mess.

I wouldn’t message first. Anything you do feeds the monster. The best revenge is living well. Release them and their messy entanglements and let them get on with their drama elsewhere.

You’ve had good advice from other posters on how to explain the situation to your children.
I agree that you need to be open with them so that they know how to deal with your MIL and SIL.

I’ve had to explain my Dad’s behavior to my children (now 19 and 16) too. He’s had lifelong MH problems and can be extremely unpleasant at times, plus he constantly plays the victim. My children understand not to take it personally and we all let it wash over us.

Ultimately, your MIL and SIL are the people who are missing out on time with your happy family. You don’t need their toxic behavior in your lives, but I bet they miss having all of you in theirs. 💐

I’d reply from their phone- hi, this is South. I’ve explained to the dc that obviously both love you and miss you are just lies, since you’ve not only made no effort to see them but also cut them off from wider family. I’ve told them as they get older they need to judge adults by their actions, and unfortunately your actions tell them you don’t care you’ve missed years of their childhood by your choice, and don’t really care if you never see them again. They are blocking you on their phone. You can contact us if you want to know about your grandchildren.

and block.

So many great comments on here already, especially love @DreamTheMoors

I do understand how you feel. We're NC with my DH's family. Our children have never met his parents. When our children asked if DH had any parents, we told them a basic version of the truth.

Your children are old enough to be told about toxic relationships and family division etc. You should tell them the truth. You should also suggest to the 18yr old if they want to keep receiving these birthday texts every year or if they'd prefer to block them.

Our children have never asked to see DH's family. They get all the love they need from my side fortunately.

If I were you, I'd block the noise. Honestly, I was like you, this was such a burden on my shoulders and it was destroying my MH. It was only when we went NC and I stopped giving a fuck that I finally got my life back.

Take the power back, you say enough is enough and decide you never want contact with them again. There's no room for toxic people in your lives.

You need to talk to your children, as others have said.

You can't influence MiL but you can be honest with your children. It's one of the very greatest gifts you can give them.

You can tell them what's going on. That MiL is angry although she won't tell you why and when she is angry she chooses to walk away. This is how Grandma 'ticks'. All you can do is let her, even though it hurts you. But you can also point out that there are much healthier and better ways of resolving conflict, by talking to the person you're upset with and working it out. All you can do is let her do her thing.

But it's also worth pointing out that nothing is stopping Grandma from coming back. At this point, what she says (loving the grandchildren) and what she does (walk away) don't match.

So you can love Grandma, but you have to be aware that she might walk away and that this is a 'her' problem, not anyone else's. We can't control her, we can only accept that this is what she does and it's a pattern that is repeated.

And honestly, as parents I'd try to keep as low contact as possible. This hot-cold manipulation is so very destructive.

She sounds like a total narcissist. If you let her re-establish even very infrequent contact with your DC, you are allowing her to control the situation and she is getting her way, just like she always does. It also makes it more likely she’ll worm her way back into your dh’s life. She needs to learn she can’t treat people like this and expect to be forgiven time and time again. And your family don’t need her toxic presence constantly hanging over you, and allowing her to play her pathetic games. I’d write her an email getting all your anger and frustration you’re carrying around out and dump it all on her. She deserves it. Then let her know not to bother trying to re-establish contact - you’ve been burnt one too many times and she’s done too much damage. Then block her from your dc’s phones and explain to them that she is no longer going to be part of their lives in whatever way is age-appropriate for them. You’ll feel like you’re taking control back. It will benefit them in the long run, as someone coming in and out of a child’s life, especially when the child never knows when they’re going to disappear again, and possibly blaming themselves for her behaviour- is not good for them. She may also start this behaviour with them when they’re older. My step mum was like this. The weight off my shoulders when i decided to cut her out and stopped caring about her opinions, was amazing

Even when she gets back in contact and you welcome her, it’s another ticking timebomb til she gets pissed off again and does the same thing to the dcs. They’ll be walking on eggshells around the family, wary of upsetting them again.
Block her from their phones to protect them from this.

We’ve been no contact with MIL for 10 years, ironically she walked away from us after realising my DH had become closer to my parents than her. She thought we’d go chasing after her, begging her to reconsider but she’d been toxic for years and it was a relief! She did write to my parents around 5 years ago saying she regretted walking away but followed it with 3 pages of what a terrible person DH is. The DC know she made a decision not to be in their lives, I wasn’t going to pretend or cover anything for her, they also know if they wanted to make contact we wouldn’t stop them. The older DC were old enough that she could have maintained contact with them separate to us, but she chose not to, there’s not been so much as a birthday card in 10 years.

I wouldn’t be protecting your older teens from her behaviour, they’re old enough to understand she’s not a good person, then if they choose to allow contact to restart, they have all the information to protect themselves.

YANBU.

You’re not wrong in how you’re viewing things. It is a choice ultimately for your MIL to not want to try and patch things up. It’s her choice to have stopped having contact with her grandchildren. I don’t think her sending messages to them saying, “miss you,” is right or fair. Like others have commented I think that’s an attempt to manipulate/hurt your DH in itself sending that.
A big issue is if she’s done it once she can do it again as far as your MIL goes.
There is a big risk letting someone like that back in.

Mindutopia was spot on in saying this drama continues to roll through families until someone puts a stop to it.

I didn’t see my paternal grandparents between the ages of 4-9. They chose to stop contact after falling out with my father for 5 years. My relationship with them was always strained after my father patched things up with them. This wasn’t helped by the fact he tried to pretend the 5 years without contact hadn’t happened! It’s preposterous when I look back he thought I could have ready-made relationships with them when they’d been absent for so long, were only prepared to make a minimal effort and knowing how they’d treated him over the years.

The cycle of toxic relationships continued until my 20s after I’d had some cognitive therapy and realised walking away was better.

How old are your children? If they're teenagers, then sit them down and explain the situation. It's far better to be honest with them. Let them make the decision to block their grandmother and aunts or not. By giving them information, you are allowing them to decide if they want contact with their grandmother if she contacts them. Or if she tries blaming you or your husband, then your children have already been forewarned. I know it's difficult, as you don't want to burden your children with an 'adult situation'. Your children aren't stupid, and as you have said are upset at being discarded by their grandmother, so give them the information, to make a confident, uniformed decision themselves.