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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to suggest DH should leave the house a bit later so we can travel to work together?

88 replies

BlackNGold · 04/05/2025 18:49

DH and I work for the same company. In two weeks, there’s a couple of days I am going to be working from his office. He likes to leave a little earlier to beat the rush hour traffic - by his own admission he doesn’t have any calls until 9 and spends the start of his day browsing the internet.
I start later than him so would arrive very earlier if I was to go in with him at his usual time. AIBU to ask him to leave a little earlier so he can take me in - we will both start on time but he says the journey will take him about 15 minutes longer due to traffic. This is his gripe, not that he needs to be in the office earlier to do anything. I would get the bus if he can’t take me in.

OP posts:

steff13 · 04/05/2025 20:37

Ddakji · 04/05/2025 20:32

God forbid a man might do something slightly different for just 2 days to help his wife out.

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He's the one doing her a favor. Why is the onus on him to do something different? Why shouldn't she do something different?

Indianajet · 04/05/2025 20:36

Reading Mumsnet makes me realise how fabulous my late husband was. So many couples don't seem to operate as a team, or even like each other.

NuffSaidSam · 04/05/2025 20:34

YABU

You're essentially asking him to swap 20 minutes of time to chill with 15 minutes sitting in traffic.

Get there early with him and use your hour to do something else or get the bus.

Sofiewoo · 04/05/2025 20:33

If you start work at a different time to him do you even finish at the same time? If not it’s sort of pointless to change schedules to drive in together surely?

Ddakji · 04/05/2025 20:32

DaisyChain505 · 04/05/2025 20:22

If you don’t like it, drive yourself.

Don’t expect him to change his routine and normal working day to fit what you want.

God forbid a man might do something slightly different for just 2 days to help his wife out.

Ddakji · 04/05/2025 20:31

God, are people really so set in their ways that they can’t do something different for TWO DAYS that might help their spouse out? And maybe enjoy travelling in together for a change??

Slightyamusedandsilly · 04/05/2025 20:30

BlackNGold · 04/05/2025 19:48

It means I would arrive an hour earlier than when I can officially start work

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So go have a coffee. And if nowhere near a coffee shop, sit in the car.

Itsjustgonenoonhalfpastmonsoon · 04/05/2025 20:29

What about the other end of the day? Do you both get to leave at the same time?

Ddakji · 04/05/2025 20:28

Meadowfinch · 04/05/2025 18:54

I'm always in the office early and hate being later. It would mean I start the day in a rush.

I get in early, make a coffee, read my overnight emails, check my schedule for the day, sort out any paperwork I need. That half hour earlier means my day is ordered and calm.

I can see why your DH isn't keen. Would it be a big financial saving?

For only 2 days?

Iceboy80 · 04/05/2025 20:24

You should go in earlier, it's your times which have changed, not his.

lunar1 · 04/05/2025 20:23

Just go earlier and have a drink. I wouldn’t want to sit in rush hour if I could easily avoid it.

DaisyChain505 · 04/05/2025 20:22

If you don’t like it, drive yourself.

Don’t expect him to change his routine and normal working day to fit what you want.

Createausername1970 · 04/05/2025 20:22

You want the lift, you have to fit in with the lift giver.

Or make your own way at a time that suits you.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 04/05/2025 20:21

BlackNGold · 04/05/2025 19:48

It means I would arrive an hour earlier than when I can officially start work

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So what, though? An hour earlier isn't really a big deal, why mess up his routine? If you really don't want to get up and leave earlier, just drive yourself.

BumbleBeegu · 04/05/2025 20:20

BlackNGold · 04/05/2025 19:48

It means I would arrive an hour earlier than when I can officially start work

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So? You’re the one needing a lift so you need to go in earlier. It won’t kill you

AppropriateAdult · 04/05/2025 20:20

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/05/2025 19:27

I can't see any benefits for him to do this at all. He's losing an easy drive, peace for his own thoughts, a controlled start to the working day and is beholden to your convenience.

You, of course, get the convenient transport door to door.

Leave with him at his preferred time and entertain yourself - or get the bus.

What a weirdly transactional approach to a marital relationship. People who love each other often put themselves out to a very mild degree like this just to make the other person happy. I know my husband would, anyway.

OP, if there’s a genuine reason why you can’t hang around for an hour before you start work - depending on the set-up of the office, this might not be possible or comfortable - then yes, I think he should slightly inconvenience himself so you can travel together and you don’t have to get the bus. He seems very rigid and curmudgeonly to be so against this.

CopperWhite · 04/05/2025 20:18

It’s you that wants the lift, so you go in earlier. There is no real reason why you can’t do that if you’d prefer to travel together, or just go separately and you can both suit yourselves with timings.

PonyPatter44 · 04/05/2025 20:17

I'm guessing you're both on shift patterns, if you say it's when you "can" start work. My DH and work for the same organisation and have on occasion worked in the same place and shared a lift. He has strict hours, I don't, so I had to work around him.

In your shoes I'd be glad to have a bit of time in the car with him.

curious79 · 04/05/2025 20:17

Just leave him be - you’ll upset his routine and he won’t look favourably upon it.

Liverpool52 · 04/05/2025 20:16

Are you my mother? Never learnt to drive - no other reason than she couldn't be bothered. But expects everybody else to adjust their timings to suit her requirements. "Oh I'll just hop in with you." OK I'm leaving at X time. "No I want to leave at this time." Nil shits given if that impacts my day. Tantrum ensues if you refuse to comply. Or she just gets spiteful.

Indyschoolq · 04/05/2025 20:13

I had put YANBU but I kind of see it both ways - you should both be happy to accommodate each other! But I suppose it would be nice for him to keep his usual routine and for you to have a stress-free early start?

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 04/05/2025 20:11

You're the one adding onto his normal routine on these days so I'd say if you want a lift you need to leave when he leaves. Why not go in earlier and treat yourself to coffee or go for a walk?

faerietales · 04/05/2025 20:11

If you want him to give you a lift, then you need to fit around his timings.

YABU.

terracelane23 · 04/05/2025 20:10

Just go in early with him. He has a routine which works for him.

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/05/2025 20:09

Why should he leave later. Get stuck in traffic and lose his chill time

sure if you take the bus it will take longer and have an hour travelling

just go with him. Get there early and read a book. Email. Play games

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